After Breaking Off the Engagement, I Started Pursuing My Master - Chapter 228

Chapter 228: About to cry

Jiang Huai produced a soft ruler in his hand.

He gently placed the ruler between Luo Yueguan’s legs and whispered in her ear.

“Hold the ruler tight.”

“And then?”

“If the ruler doesn’t fall for the duration of an incense stick, I’ll agree to your request.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

Luo Yueguan squeezed her legs together tightly, holding the ruler firmly in place. But soon, there was a snapping sound in the pavilion.

“Does it hurt?”

“No,” Luo Yueguan’s voice trembled slightly.

Then the next sound was louder, and Jiang Huai asked again,

“Does it hurt?”

“No… it hurts,” Luo Yueguan hesitated.

“Hurts?”

“Mm… it hurts.”

Jiang Huai lit an incense stick and quietly watched, waiting for it to burn out. At this moment, Luo Yueguan looked at him with a mix of embarrassment and allure.

It was strange how both expressions could coexist in one pair of eyes. Jiang Huai suddenly had an idea and took out a white gauze, gently tying it around Luo Yueguan’s head, covering her eyes.

…

“Do you know?” Jiang Huai’s tone was neither stern nor cold but rather gentle, as if chatting casually with Luo Yueguan.

“What?”

“People are strange creatures. When desires can’t be satisfied, they become unbearably pained, but once desires are fulfilled and they experience brief peace, they become numb like walking corpses. Although we, as cultivators, have stepped onto the path of immortality and transcended the mundane, in my view, we are just like mortals with some magical abilities and longer lifespans, but our hearts are the same.”

A snap.

Jiang Huai continued at a measured pace.

“Living is a human instinct, and normally, people don’t need to think about why they live. Once they start pondering this question, it’s easy to become obsessively fixated. Qingyu used to like cutting her hands with a knife. The first time I discovered it, I was terrified. I didn’t understand why she would do such a thing, why she would torture herself when it clearly hurt so much.”

“Later, I thought it over and over again, and during her good moods, I talked to her seriously, gradually understanding… it wasn’t because she liked it, but because of the survival instinct.”

“It sounds strange at first, doesn’t it? If you want to live, why hurt yourself? The logic is this: because of numbness, the desire to live is lost, so there’s a need to rely on pain to awaken oneself, to feel alive through pain. It’s a means of seeking help.”

“The pressure you put on her in the past made her feel suffocated, and she became numb and stiff all day. That’s why she explained to me that if her hand hurt, it seemed like her chest didn’t hurt as much. I suddenly realized that you chose to educate Qingyu this way because you used to live in an environment that left you breathless, so I guess… did you also like to cut your hands for no reason, like Qingyu?”

Another snap.

Tears moistened Luo Yueguan’s eyelashes.

“Yes.”

“That’s not good,” Jiang Huai said softly.

“I know,” Luo Yueguan replied stubbornly.

“I’ve been thinking a lot lately,” Jiang Huai said as he snapped again.

“I had many things I wanted to say to you, but then I realized that whether I say them or not, you understand the reasoning. Everything in the past is gone, and now you are the sect master of Qingxuan with a lovely and well-behaved daughter. In theory, you shouldn’t have any reason to be sad anymore… but do you often feel down?”

“Yes.”

“I’m not you, and often I can’t fully guess what you’re thinking, but I have a question for you. Have you ever had any wishes?”

“To become the Qingxuan Sect Master…” Luo Yueguan answered coldly.

“What I mean is, what is the purpose of your wish to become the Qingxuan Sect Master? Is it to feel safe?” Jiang Huai continued, asking softly.

“Yes…”

“Do you feel safe now?”

“I… I feel it… but…” Luo Yueguan didn’t know how to express herself.

Jiang Huai understood what she was going through. She had worked so hard in the past to become the Qingxuan Sect Master, all to stand above everyone else one day, no longer as insignificant as dust, no longer someone anyone could bully or insult. But after she became the Qingxuan Sect Master, her happiness was short-lived before she became gloomy again.

“Perhaps this means that safety isn’t your only wish; you have other desires.”

“What are they?” Luo Yueguan murmured.

But Jiang Huai just gave a bitter smile.

“I’m not you, how could I guess what your wishes are? I can only guess, just guess, that maybe… you also wanted to be loved?”

“I don’t need that!” Luo Yueguan suddenly replied coldly.

But after she answered, Jiang Huai slapped her hard.

Her body trembled, and the ruler on her leg slid down a bit, which she clumsily clamped between her legs.

“Let’s look at it from another angle. If, and I mean if, your mother had always loved you dearly, had sent you to the Qingxuan Sect, and after that, your Senior Brothers and Senior Sisters doted on you, and when you returned to the secular world in glory, you gave your mother a life of wealth and honor, and all along your path to becoming Qingxuan Sect Master Luo Yueguan, would you still be as sad as you are now?”

Luo Yueguan pursed her lips tightly and did not answer Jiang Huai’s question, and then Jiang Huai slapped her again.

“Yes… I wouldn’t be… but, but there’s no such thing as love without reason in this world. Just because I admit I crave affection, should others love me? Everyone is despicable, selfish, just like me, people only need to love themselves… as long as you love yourself enough…” Luo Yueguan’s eyes were red, and her voice became increasingly fierce.

“I acknowledge what you said,” Jiang Huai hesitated for a moment.

“but I always feel that you don’t love yourself.”

Luo Yueguan was taken aback.

“Take, for example, how you stood up just now and deliberately let your dress fall in front of me. It seems that whenever you start to feel anxious or uneasy, you do this in front of me because you subconsciously think I’m nice to you only because you’re beautiful. Even you think your temper won’t make you likable, so you always try to prove to me that you’re good-looking, to feel that everything is under control again.”

“How strange, right? You and the Master are very good friends, but from what I’ve seen over the past decade, most of the time when you come to my courtyard to talk to the Master, you take advantage of her good temper and deliberately make her angry. You do the same to me, as if you always like to push me away by driving me crazy, to test whether I would ignore you because of your bad temper.”

“Do you know what this is like?” Jiang Huai asked softly.

“What?”

“It’s like a little girl who always likes to get your attention through pranks. She knows it will make you sad, but she can’t help wanting to do it. Because she wants to be loved unconditionally, even though she knows there’s no such thing as love without reason in the world. When she senses someone loves her, she subconsciously wants to push them away by tormenting them to test whether they will leave. When she tortures herself in this self-destructive way, as if feeling the pain of illusion at that moment, the familiar pain makes her curl up again, but it also makes her feel safe.”

“The Master has always considered you a very good friend because she sees through this. She knows your unreasonable behavior is just because you also want to be loved, not out of pure malice, so the Master has always been patient with you. Every time you come to the courtyard, she lets me make your favorite meals. Although she’ll still tell you to leave if you make her angry, the Master doesn’t hold grudges. When you come next time, she will still treat you well.”

“You don’t love yourself, nor do you love the world, but deep down there’s a vague longing to be safe, to be loved… but you suppress the latter, deceiving yourself over and over… maybe that’s why? Of course, all I’m saying is just a guess, everything can only be verified according to your own thoughts, based on your own perception.”

Luo Yueguan’s lips trembled slightly, and her voice began to shake,

“Even so… what does it matter?”

“My suggestion is to love yourself a little more?” Jiang Huai scratched his head.

“Many things are because of overthinking that we keep dwelling on them, but now that you realize this, it’s clearly not too late.”

“You don’t understand… I’m used to it… used to being this way… I just have a bad temper… I’m just unreasonable… I’m just not likable!”

Another slap.

“Have you heard this saying?” Jiang Huai thought for a moment.

“The best time to plant a tree was ten years ago. Do you know when the next best time is?”

“When?”

“Now.”

Jiang Huai saw the tears on Luo Yueguan’s cheeks, and his tone became very gentle.

“Now Luo Yueguan is a Mahayana fifth-level, Qingxuan Sect Master, with a noble status, revered by thousands, envied by countless female disciples. What else can make you suffer? I will find a way to deal with your inner demons, haven’t they been quieter than before? You’re never alone, Qingyu and I have always been by your side. If you feel lonely and bored, why not accompany Qingyu to the Tianxuan Sect tomorrow? Maybe when you interact with the Master in a different way, you’ll see another side of her. You always say the Master is proud and looks down on you… but that’s just the fantasy of self-loathing in your heart. The Master has never really looked down on you; she has always considered you her best friend.”

Luo Yueguan didn’t respond to Jiang Huai’s words for a long time. Jiang Huai scratched his head, seeing that the incense stick was almost burned out. No, he had already said all the motivational speeches he could think of, and he needed to get that ruler down first.

He didn’t slap Luo Yueguan’s buttocks hard for no reason, just to take advantage of her. He was thinking that with Luo Yueguan’s pride, she definitely wouldn’t listen to him under normal circumstances.

But maybe if she was in such a shameful posture, with her pride shattered, she might be a little better?

He couldn’t do anything practical for Luo Yueguan, he could only give her advice, guide her to let go of her pride, rather than repeatedly deceive herself. Escaping from the mire isn’t something that happens in an instant; it requires years of positive change, encouraging her with positive feedback, helping her to gradually let go of the past.

If you think that a few words can pull someone out of the mire and cause a complete change, it’s like a fool’s dream.

But now, he had to think of a way to pull out the ruler.

Jiang Huai raised his hand and slapped hard again.

The ruler was about to slide off just now, but now Luo Yueguan clamped it even tighter. Jiang Huai widened his eyes, wanting to reach out and take the ruler, but Luo Yueguan turned her head back. Although it was dark in front of her, her voice was slightly hoarse, but it carried a familiar teasing tone,

“Has the time of one incense stick passed?”

Jiang Huai looked at the nearly burned-out incense,

“Not yet…”

Jiang Huai reached out to try to pull out the ruler, but Luo Yueguan clamped it even tighter, and he couldn’t get it out no matter what.

Now it was Jiang Huai Jr.’s turn to be anxious.

Qingyu never won when they played this game!