As I Know Anything About You, I'll Be The One To Your Girlfriend, Aren't I? - Volume 1 Chapter 4.4

Just Like You Did for Me 4

“Suika, it’s okay, really, Suika.”

“No, there’s always a possibility.”

After school. I’m walking home with Suika. Our house is just around the corner.

There’s nothing wrong with my head that hit the ball (the school nurse came by around the end of lunch break and confirmed it was fine), so I went on drawing today as well.

Suika had waited for me, and now we’re walking home together.

“There’s nothing flying around in the middle of the town.”

“You never know what might happen…!”

Suika seems quite concerned about me being sent to the infirmary after being hit by a soccer ball.

She’s been on alert the whole way home.

“I’ll stop whatever comes our way, I swear on the name of Ado.”

“With Suika, it feels like even arrows or guns.”

“Guns would be tough after they’re fired… Good thing we’re in Japan.”

“…What about arrows?”

“I can catch those.”

I didn’t verify the truth or falsehood. I knew without asking; it wasn’t a lie.

Eventually, we reached my house. Thankfully, there were no flying objects on the way.

“Then, Suika. See you tomorrow… Oh, wait, tomorrow is Saturday.”

I really wanted to escort Suika to her house, as a man should, but unfortunately, doing so would result in Suika escorting me back to my house, creating an infinite loop.

When I consulted Daisuke-san about it, he advised, “I struggled with the same issue in the past, but with the level of weapons available in modern Japan, they can’t even scratch those people…” I can’t forget his distant gaze, he must have experienced a lot.

“…Um, Kuuya!”

“Hm, what?”

As I was about to open the front door, Suika called out to me with a serious tone.

“…Don’t push yourself today, just take a nice bath, have a good meal, and get a good night’s sleep.”

“What’s with you all of a sudden?”

“Because, …you’ve been looking troubled… ever since you were in the infirmary bed.”

“…”

I thought I was acting normally. But, it seems I can’t fool Suika’s eyes.

“It’s nothing like that. But, thanks.”

“Please remember two things. You don’t have to push yourself anymore. And no matter who turns against you, I will always be on your side… Never forget that.”

Suika’s eyes shone even amidst the dim darkness.

“…Yeah, thanks.”

After thanking her once more, Suika, though seemingly hesitant, nodded. I watched her back as she headed home, then entered my house.

“…”

An empty house.

“That’s right.”

I worried her so much, I should do as she said.

It’s summer, so I usually make do with showers, but today I filled the tub and took a bath. Then, I ate the awkwardly made dinner I prepared myself.

And without staying up late, I went straight to bed.

For tomorrow.

The next day.

I woke up and immediately changed out of my pajamas into my work clothes. The same overalls I use at home. Just like I do at school, for painting.

I opened the door to the first-floor studio.

Stepping in, I placed a new canvas on the easel.

I hadn’t primed it, but it’s okay. Today isn’t about finishing a perfect painting.

“…Huuuuh.”

I exhale and prepare the palette. And the tubes of paint that should go on it.

I pick up a tube labeled Cadmium Red.

Instantly, I felt a chill at my fingertips. That sad coldness seeps into my body.

Still, I slowly pinched the cap.

“…”

I think of Yuuji. My friend who said he was “protected” by my paintings.

Hey, but Yuuji. If I could use the color red, I could paint a better picture… A picture that protects more firmly.

So, that’s why.

Today, I am going to do it.

“…!!”

With all my heart, I motivate myself, warming up my chilling body.

Then, there was a click. The cap was open.

It was anticlimactic. There was no intense heartbeat or nausea.

“…”

I place the color on the palette. The red color. How many years has it been?

Mixing it with oil using a paintbrush, I then apply that color to the canvas.

“Ha.”

Pat, pat, pat. I paint. Following my heart’s direction, I keep painting.

“Ha Ha.”

Ah, how, how.

“Ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha… ha, ha.”

──How utterly empty this color is.

Red.

Vivid, flashy, eye-catching.

Yet, to me, it was just a cold, empty color. That’s how I felt, no matter what.

Nothing has changed.

“Ah, ah…”

I couldn’t stop.

“U, ah, ah…”

Tears shamefully started to fall.

“Uuuuuuuhhhhhhh…! …─Damn it, damn it, …f*ck!!”

My vision blurred, tears spilled over.

I knew it, even before trying. Such a color, I really can’t use it.

If it’s a beautiful color, I’m motivated. If it’s an ugly color, all the more reason.

But what about an empty color? How do I use a color that feels empty to me?

There are things I can’t paint without using it, and things I can paint if I use it, but my senses just perceive the color red as empty.

“U, uuuuuaaaaaahhhh…! …Sorry, sorry, sorry Yuuji…!”

I’m still a coward. Not the “amazing guy” you think I am.

“Ah, aaaaahhhhhh!!! F*ck! F*ck! …F*ck it!!!”

Mother.

Hey, mother.

“…Why did you!!”

Why did you, why did you.

Why did you leave us. Why did you leave dad.

Why.

──After curling up in the chair for a while, I eventually stood up and left the room.

And then, I decided to leave the house. There was one reason.

“…It’s cold.”

As I opened the front door, the high sun scorched my body. Without wearing a hat or anything, the exposure felt sharp.

That’s what I wanted, I wanted the heat.

“…It’s cold.”

But still, I felt terribly cold. The heat and warmth were utterly unfelt.

Ever since I touched the red paint, that coldness that seeped into my fingertips hasn’t left my body.

I stagger through the streets.

I don’t know where I’m heading. Along the way, my phone in my pocket vibrated. I tried to pick it up, but my chilled fingertips dropped it.

“…”

I have to pick it up.

Continuing to stagger, did I pick it up? …Did I? I can’t remember.

“…”

It’s cold. Cold, cold.

Cold.