Even If Your Regret Tries to Hold Me Back - Chapter 18

As they stepped out of the shop, the midday sun poured down. The streets, washed clean by rain, seemed even more vibrant.

Helena walked along the orderly stone path, counting on her fingers one by one.

“So your name is Kamel, you lead a small trading company and live a wandering life, you have a younger sister, and when you were young…”

“Approximately 13 years, 3 months, and 17 days ago.”

Helena narrowed her eyes at Ian’s sudden interruption.

“…Anyway, you received a favor from me back then and came to repay it?”

“Actually, it was you who asked me to find you first, even if you didn’t remember. So for the sake of this poor man who faithfully kept his promise—”

“I don’t want to see it.”

“Then just feel it. That I’m by your side.”

“Everything is easy for you, isn’t it?”

“They say if something looks easy, you’re good at it. I suppose I’m approaching you well right now.”

His seamless responses came back immediately. Helena let out an irritated sigh.

“In that case, you’ve already found me, and the meal we just had was enough to repay the favor. I’d like to think there’s no reason for us to be further entangled.”

“That can’t be. The me at the lowest point of my life made you care for me. So you’re worthy enough to receive the me who has reached the peak now.”

Ian kicked aside a stone in Helena’s path as he walked and spoke.

Though his smiling face wasn’t looking at her, Helena still watched him with suspicious eyes.

“You don’t think I’ll believe everything you say at face value, do you? Just how many truths are there in what you’re saying? It seems too disadvantageous for me to allow a stalker based on a few words that might be fake.”

“Well, the sooner you recover your memories, the more advantageous it would be.”

“Whether I have memories or not, would I want to travel with someone who’s seen my rock bottom?”

“…”

The conversation suddenly stopped. Ian’s gaze, which had been surveying the shopping district, wavered for a moment.

Finding this strange, Helena looked ahead, but there was nothing particularly noticeable.

“What exactly are you looking at…”

Just as Helena was about to follow his gaze, Ian grabbed her hand first.

As if trying to block her view, he blocked the front with his large frame and pulled her along.

Just then, an alley between empty shops came into view. Ian moved without hesitation.

As soon as they entered the deepest corner of the alley, he pressed Helena against the wall and bent his upper body down.

“If that’s the reason you won’t allow me by your side… then you can see my rock bottom too.”

His breathing was slightly labored from their hurried walk. Ian’s shadow fell over Helena’s face. Even in broad daylight, the corner of the alley was dark. The clean silver hair looked gray in the shade.

The moisture retained by the stones and earth from yesterday’s rain was thick. That must be why his words seemed to cling unusually to her earlobes.

“I don’t know what you’re trying to do.”

Helena looked up with a cold gaze. Ian didn’t mind and tilted his head obliquely. He came so close their lips might touch at any moment.

Close. Too close.

She could even see the shadows cast by his long eyelashes under his eyes. If a passerby saw them, they might mistake it for a passionate romantic scene.

“May I?”

Ian asked, slowly meeting her gaze.

His tone didn’t match the current situation or the content. It was as dry as the sound of wind brushing through withered grass. Unlike their stuffily mixed breaths.

That incongruity brought a faint anger to Helena’s face.

“…Hypocrite. Didn’t you say that my survival was the only thing you wanted?”

“I didn’t say it was the only thing. That’s why I’m showing you my rock bottom now.”

“What rock bottom, your patience?”

Ian showed a slightly surprised expression, like someone whose true feelings hidden behind a false mask had been discovered.

However, he soon closed his mouth, exhaled lightly through his nose, and confirmed it.

“You know how to read people.”

This time it was unclear whether he was laughing or being self-deprecating. Helena’s anger deepened a little more. His words always seemed to convey multiple meanings in a single sentence.

It was irritating that she couldn’t read him no matter how intently she stared.

It was even more so because that man could read her so easily while she couldn’t do the same.

Helena turned her head away as if what she couldn’t see didn’t exist.

“It’s fortunate your profession isn’t acting. If you’re going to act, at least make it believable.”

“I’ll try harder next time.”

“…So what exactly is it?”

“It’s actually nothing much. Just some low-quality scoundrels passing by.”

While she had turned her gaze away, Helena looked beyond Ian’s shoulder toward the outside of the alley.

A man who looked like he might collapse from exhaustion and several ordinary knights with swords were moving away.

They were all big enough to invite prejudice, but they weren’t the kind of people you’d call scoundrels without thinking.

What kind of scoundrel would apologize to a pedestrian they bumped into while walking down the street?

At a glance, they were far from fitting the definition of “low-quality.”

Helena turned her head back to glare at Ian.

“Then what about the person right in front of me?”

He straightened his bent upper body.

“Hmm… let’s say I’m a high-quality scoundrel.”

“You shouldn’t make jokes either.”

Helena stepped away from the wall. Ian’s words caught her as she tried to leave the alley.

“Actually, I have something to give you. Check carefully if you’ve lost anything.”

After looking at Ian for a moment, she began rummaging through her bag. Her initially leisurely movements grew faster and faster.

When Helena finally looked up with a flustered face, a palm-sized picture was thrust in front of her eyes.

“How, how do you have this…”

The thick paper, like a puzzle piece, contained the image of two people. Though somewhat disheveled from being patched together like rags, it couldn’t fragment the siblings’ bright smiles.

[You’re leaving today, right? Look at this when you miss me. Congratulations on your marriage, sister.]

A voice mixed with coughing circled around her ears.

Helena took the picture with trembling hands and looked up at Ian. He shrugged his shoulders as usual.

“I had quite a time fishing it out. Fortunately, it was painted with oil paint so it didn’t smudge. However, I didn’t know the proper drying method, so it got a bit warped. And the cracks…”

“I know. It was originally torn.”

Helena just stared blankly at the picture for a while, like someone who had forgotten how to speak.

Ian waited silently. Only after a long while did Helena murmur softly.

“…Thank you.”

Her fingers touching the worn corners of the paper trembled.

The unforgettable man’s voice penetrated Helena like a lingering trace.

***

It was a day with much thunder.

“Is there anything left to report?”

Helena stopped abruptly in front of the long beam of light stretching through the crack in the door.

Following Eugene’s urging, Butler Gordon’s voice continued, as if hesitating before speaking with difficulty.

“Well….the Owen family has requested payment again. Even though it’s an unreasonable amount to simply call medicine costs, Madam willingly sent the money. Unable to tell Your Grace, she seems to have disposed of some jewelry to handle it alone.”

Eugene let out a long breath. It was a distorted sigh that could be felt even outside the door.

Since no more conversation followed, he was probably running his hand through his hair or holding his forehead. And he would be thinking this:

Still a foolish woman.

Hearing approaching footsteps, Helena quickly hid in the darkness.

Soon Gordon came out, and the door closed tightly without leaving even a thin beam of light. Gordon’s neat white hair gradually disappeared from view.

Lightning flashed intermittently. The dark corridor was dyed white as if blinking. Helena worried that the continuing storm might further disturb Eugene’s mood.

When the third flash finally passed, Helena pressed down her racing heart and knocked on the door. It was a sound small enough to be buried in the rain.

“…Come in.”

Did he know that in this mansion, there was only one person who would knock on his office door like that?

It was the tone Eugene used only when calling her. Helena knew the subtle difference from when he called Gordon, Sir Agyle, or the knights.

When she carefully opened the door and entered, Eugene lowered the hand that had been holding his forehead and looked up. Though he had an expression of expectation, he asked about her business.

“What is it, Helen?”

“Well… it’s nothing serious…”

The storm hadn’t been this severe until the last regression. Since she had never visited about Basil-related matters during this period, Helena struggled to speak despite having practiced dozens of times in her mind.

“I was wondering if I could visit my family home for just a few days. I’m worried about Basil because of the storm. If it’s this bad in Evergale, then there…”

“Do you still have something left to sacrifice?”

Eugene suddenly stood up from his seat. Helena hesitated slightly and stopped speaking.

Eugene opened a drawer and took out a thick bundle of letters, throwing them onto the desk one by one.

“These are what the Owen family has sent to me separately.”

Thud, thud, thud. Dry sounds fell regularly. Each time, Helena felt her chest tighten sharply.

“It was just a week ago that I sent money because your brother’s condition had worsened slightly. Just how long do I have to keep up with this charade?”

Normally, she would have apologized and withdrawn. But what Eugene had said was something she absolutely couldn’t let pass.

“Basil is sick again? How, how much, I need to go right now…!”

“Helena! Get a grip! How long are you going to let yourself be used!”

Finally, Eugene came around the desk and grabbed Helena’s arms. Red marks appeared on her thin wrists, but Helena didn’t stop.

“I don’t care how much they use me. It’s fine if they use me for life. I just need Basil to be alive. So I have to go…!”

Her lips, swollen from biting, trembled violently. Words poured out as if she were possessed by something.

Eugene looked at her as if he couldn’t understand her at all.

His gaze suddenly moved to her hand. It was the hand holding Basil’s picture.

Eugene let out a bitter laugh.

“You say you just need Basil to be ‘alive.’ Then what about me?”