Even If Your Regret Tries to Hold Me Back - Chapter 19

“You say you just need Basil to be ‘alive.’ Then what about me?”

“Eugene, I didn’t mean it like that—”

“Then what about you, who wants me to live?”

Her voice fell like a stain on the pristine white sheets. Eugene clenched his molars tightly.

“No matter how much I try to be considerate of you…!”

Helena knew. Eugene loved her. More precisely, he loved ‘only’ her.

He wanted to take only her from the Owen family and cut away everything else. He often showed signs of hoping never to see the rest again.

But she couldn’t cut herself away. However, Eugene loved that foolish woman too, which was why he had been sending money all this time.

If she could turn her eyes away from that house and focus more time on Evergale, then to him, throwing such small change like charity wouldn’t matter.

But today didn’t seem to be the right time.

As if something had touched a nerve, all expression disappeared from Eugene’s face in a terrifying way.

He swallowed the words he couldn’t bring himself to finish along with his trembling breath and produced a perfectly calm voice.

“Do you know what people say about you?”

“…….”

“They call you a parasite clinging to Evergale. I can’t understand why you have to hear such things while bearing the Evergale name.”

Helena’s face turned pale at Eugene’s harsh words.

So it had reached his ears too. Though those words had pierced her heart dozens of times already, hearing them from Eugene’s mouth was by far the most painful.

Helena looked around anxiously and stammered as she opened her mouth.

“I’m sorry. But Basil—”

“That damn Basil, Basil. Aren’t you tired of it?”

“Eugene…!”

“I’d rather you weren’t tied down to that house at all!”

CRASH! BANG!

Fierce lightning and thunder struck simultaneously with Eugene’s roar. As if it had cut off her breath, Helena stopped breathing for a moment.

Now she was so pale even to her fingertips that she didn’t look like a living person. Moisture began to slowly gather in her large eyes.

“What did you just… How, how could you say that? You know what Basil means to me, so how could you say such things…!”

“Do you even know what you mean to me? It’s harder for me to watch you being talked about like that by people!”

Eugene let go of Helena’s arm and snatched the picture away. Helena let out a piercing scream, but his angry voice came first.

“You are the mistress of Evergale. Not some street woman who lived being pointed at in Hyer!”

Rip, tear, rip.

Helena’s wide eyes grew even larger, and the tears that had finally gathered fell in drops.

Outside, thunderous roars shook the earth, yet why did the sound of that small paper tearing hurt her ears so much?

“Please don’t, please, stop, stop it…!”

Helena clung to Eugene, scattering tears. The randomly torn pieces fell to the floor one by one, and Helena collapsed over them.

She frantically gathered the pieces together. Following her repetitive motions, long scratches were left on the soft carpet by her fingernails. Just like her heart that was being torn apart right now.

Eugene stood before her, watching what Helena was doing, then turned away.

After taking a few steps, he stopped in front of the door, turned his head to see her at the edge of his vision, and said:

“Forget everything else. Just remember this, Helena.”

Thud. The door closed and Eugene left the room.

Lightning struck several more times. Helena couldn’t tell if the vibration that wouldn’t stop was from the thunder or from her own crying.

After that day, Eugene and Helena didn’t speak to each other. It was only on the evening of the fifth day at dinner that the ice finally began to break.

Eugene spoke first.

“…A ship sank due to bad weather, causing significant losses in the trading business. My nerves were on edge, and I think I unfairly took it out on you. I’m sorry.”

“…….”

Helena said nothing. She kept her eyes down on her plate, quietly mashing potatoes with her fork.

Eugene seemed to be studying her expression, then filled the silence again with his own voice.

“Just in case, I sent additional money yesterday. Still, if something like this happens next time, just tell me. Don’t try to handle it alone. I can do at least this much.”

“…Thank you.”

Only then did Helena slowly move her lips. Her voice after five days was calmer than expected.

Eugene resumed moving his knife back and forth, which had been stuck in the middle of the roasted lamb.

“Still, it would be better to refrain from setting foot in Hyer for a while. At least until the rumors die down. I understand your feelings, but Helena.”

“I know what you mean. I was short-sighted. I’m sorry for being stubborn without thinking. I’ll be careful.”

Eugene’s brow relaxed at her obedient response. He continued cutting while admonishing:

“There’s going to be a birthday celebration for the princess at the imperial palace next week. Stay at the townhouse and focus on social activities. Even if it’s difficult to adapt right away, you need to gradually expand your position or it’ll be harder later. I don’t know when I might have to be away again.”

“I’ll do that.”

“I’ll also make it clear to Mother to stop prying into your background.”

“Thank you for thinking of that.”

Helena’s gaze remained fixed only on her mashed potatoes. Her mechanical responses had no intonation whatsoever, sounding like a broken toy.

Then, a few minutes later, she slowly gripped her knife and opened her lips again.

“But you know, Eugene. No matter how pathetic it is, no matter if I’m called a parasite, I can’t cut ties.”

The sound of Eugene’s knife stopped at her quiet voice. She could feel his sharp gaze, but Helena didn’t look at him.

Basil was at the Owen house. Her only blood relative was there.

So to save that red-haired child who resembled her, she couldn’t let go.

“When everything I could hold onto was severed,”

Helena put down her fork without even glancing at Eugene until the end. Instead, her grip tightened on the knife.

“It’s the only thing I have left.”

….

And today, Helena finally mocked her past selves.

After holding on and protecting it all, all that remained was just these worn picture fragments.

Helena embraced Basil’s only trace as if carving it into her heart and followed Ian’s steps.

*****

People here, people there.

The midday streets were crowded. Dion stopped right in the middle of it all.

‘Master?’

There were so many people he couldn’t be sure, but he thought he glimpsed Ian for a moment.

He frantically pushed through the crowd. Behind him, the knights that Ian had carelessly left behind followed with light footsteps.

“What, did I see wrong?”

Even after entering the main street, Ian was nowhere to be found, as if it had been a mistake. Chasing after traces he had already lost only made his pitiful situation feel more real.

He gradually slowed down and walked wearily. The knights also stopped running. Dion’s gaze briefly turned to them.

Instead of the elite troops shining in silver armor, he saw five shabby brothers no different from himself.

They too must have been objects of envy in the imperial palace, each skilled in their own way. How did they end up on the wrong side and become like dogs chasing chickens? He felt sorry for them.

On such a fine day, watching lovebirds carrying on in secluded alleys.

‘Passionate from broad daylight. What a good time.’

For some reason, Dion felt embarrassed and turned his head away. Whether the lovers were pressing their lips together or rubbing against each other, now wasn’t the time to leisurely watch.

He unfolded a map purchased from a shop to determine the next search route. Of course, checking directions in the crowd wasn’t easy.

“Ah, sorry about that.”

Despite being careful, he was distracted and bumped into a passerby. While hurriedly apologizing, one of the knights broke away from the group.

Dion shouted in alarm.

“Sakin! I told you no solo actions! And that’s to the right! Do you want to go back the way we came?”

At Dion’s shout, a man with blue hair tied up quickly put on the brakes. He stood in front of a directional sign, tilting his head in confusion.

Then, as if he finally understood, he hit his palm with his fist once and turned left. It was indeed the wrong direction.

Dion squeezed his eyes shut as if he couldn’t bear to watch anymore.

How did someone who can’t distinguish left from right get selected for the elite troops? Sixth sense? Amazing swordsmanship? Outstanding stamina?

Dion stopped thinking about it. It only gave him a headache. He vented his frustration on another blonde knight beside him who was chuckling with amusement for some reason.

“What are you doing, Elai! Go catch him instead of just standing there!”

It seemed his master was definitely trying to give him a short life.

*****

Ian led Helena to the opposite side of the main street. The agonized male voice gradually faded away.

An aide who would just whine during time that should be spent with Helena… wasn’t needed. A momentary feeling of guilt delayed his thoughts briefly, but that was his conclusion anyway.

‘Fortunately, Sakin seems to be unintentionally buying time well.’

He hoped he would continue to do so just as he had been. It wasn’t his fault that he was hopelessly directionally challenged.

Satisfied with leaving the main street, Ian was looking for an inn further from the center when he stopped walking. His side felt empty.

“Helen?”

When he immediately turned around, Helena was standing still. She had been holding the picture in both hands, staring at it intently, then looked up with a troubled expression.

“Is there some problem?”

When Ian approached and asked, Helena put the picture in her bag and spoke.

“Let me ask you one thing.”

“Several are fine too.”

“Are you sent by Eugene?”

“…….”

Despite his generous promise, Ian was speechless. It wasn’t just that he couldn’t find words to answer immediately, but actually there was a bigger reason.

Hearing that man’s name in Helena’s voice felt strange. So strange that he didn’t want to hear it again.

Just as Helena was about to speak again in the lengthening silence, Ian asked back:

“Who is Eugene?”

“…You seem to know.”

“I don’t know.”

“Then why do you dislike him so much?”

“I’ve never disliked him.”

“You frowned just when I mentioned his name.”

“The sunlight was too bright.”

Though he tried to make excuses, he couldn’t escape the suspicious look. The street behind the shop where they were currently standing was in the shade.

“…Or maybe you were too dazzling. So please stop staring at me like that.”