Even If Your Regret Tries to Hold Me Back - Chapter 22

Today, too, that man tore off the door and left the inn.

Helena had watched this bizarre behavior for several days now, and she was on the verge of forgetting how to open doors normally.

‘I’ve gotten used to it.’

She continued to stay with a man she didn’t like, feeling displeased about it.

Each day was monotonously similar. Eating, wandering around, eating, sightseeing.

As usual, they roamed the streets, but today they returned early because she was a bit tired.

For some reason, he had left the door handle intact.

Helena was about to say something but gave up. The afternoon sunlight was warm, and she easily became drowsy.

Eventually, she dozed off and opened her eyes when the surroundings had grown somewhat dim.

She was sure she had fallen asleep while sitting by the window watching outside. She could feel soft sheets and a pillow behind her head.

‘…It’s too quiet.’

Why? She closed her eyes and opened them again. Something felt strange.

Helena stirred and sat up, finally realizing the reason.

He wasn’t beside her.

Had he let his guard down because I was asleep, or had he finally given up on me this time?

She wiggled her toes while thinking, but couldn’t tell which it was. She couldn’t even tell which one she wanted.

The evening scent blowing through the open window broke her reverie. Helena dragged her feet to the table. There were a few coins that looked like they might truly be the last ones.

‘Did he finally leave because we ran out of money?’

Helena stood still for a moment.

Soon, when she heard faint bell sounds in the distance, she shouldered her bag, put on her cape, gathered the coins, and stood before the door.

The undamaged door handle turned smoothly. It felt somewhat strange, though she couldn’t say why. The sound of footsteps going down the stairs was only her own.

Even though she had lived her whole life as if alone, she felt oddly different after having someone stick to her for just a few days. Meanwhile, her stomach felt empty—perhaps because it had gotten used to it. That was why she had come out.

Since she was told she could use the kitchen in the inn, she planned to buy ingredients and cook for herself.

Just because he had disappeared didn’t mean she immediately wanted to die again. She could consider that after filling her stomach. Somehow, she felt it would be okay.

‘It’s been a while since I walked in the evening.’

The evening streets had a different kind of bustle than during the day.

Street lamps decorated with white seagulls, characteristic of port cities, lit up sparsely, and the voices of merchants trying to dispose of their remaining goods echoed even louder.

Helena found a grocery store, selected various items, paid for them, and came out. However, the moment she stepped into an alley looking for a shortcut, her body was suddenly pulled.

When she opened her eyes, which had reflexively closed, someone who had pressed her against the wall was standing in front of her. What emotion did she feel upon confirming that face?

Relief? Confusion? Gratitude? Anger?

Helena simply held the grocery bag tightly to her chest and looked up at him quietly.

After running his hands through his hair once, he grabbed both her arms below her shoulders.

“You disappeared, and I was so…!”

He opened his mouth as if he was going to shout, then just hung his head low with a deep breath. The skin that touched hers was hot.

The hands holding me are so firm, so why do I feel like he’s trembling?

Helena was annoyed by his rough breathing. She also didn’t like seeing him sweating from how much he had been running around.

She dropped the bag she had been holding to her chest to the ground. Then she placed her empty hands over his and brought them to her chest.

Thump, thump. A gentle pulse resonated.

“I’m alive.”

She felt it herself.

“I’m not dead.”

Her heart was beating.

“Isn’t that enough?”

It was an unpleasantly sticky sensation. So sticky that it felt like her two feet planted on the ground would never come off.

As if she was meant to stand on this ground.

All this time, Ian held Helena as if he could grasp her heart. Only after his breathing calmed did Helena slowly withdraw her hands.

Ian silently picked up the grocery bag that had fallen to the ground and took her hand with his other hand. Then he began walking through the noisy night streets.

Helena looked thoughtfully at her captured hand and pondered for a moment. But the night streets were chilly, her hands were a bit cold, and his hand was quite warm.

So she didn’t shake off the hand that held hers.

****

Eugene Hyde Evergale was a man who knew no lack. Because he knew no lack, he knew no longing either.

From the moment he was born and opened his eyes, everything was already within his grasp. With just the effort of lifting a finger, there was nothing he couldn’t have.

The greatest effort he had ever had to make was getting Helena to take the Evergale surname.

Even that became nothing special as time passed. She loved him as if he were everything to her.

So if there was one thing he couldn’t understand, it was losing what he already had.

He never even imagined that Helena would flee from his embrace of her own accord.

‘You were always someone who came back. So why aren’t you still by my side?’

Eugene struck the desk violently. His insides were turbulent. Countless voices searching for someone buzzed around.

[Madam earnestly begged us never to tell His Grace, but…she was in a very precarious mental state. It got worse over time. She always seemed to be carrying a bomb that could explode at any moment.]

[Is Lady Evergale well? It’s been quite a while since she’s appeared at any parties.]

[She usually had severe headaches….I wonder if she’s doing well…]

[I owe her a great debt from childhood and must repay it. I really want to see her.]

[No matter how harshly I treated her, she would stop crying and smile immediately at just one word from you. But now she has no expression at all.]

The physician, high society, the butler who had spent half his life with him, a stranger who suddenly appeared, and even his own mother who had mistreated Helena.

Everyone was looking for Helena. Everyone knew Helena.

Everywhere was full of talk about Helena, Helen, Madam. It became even more so after bringing Natasha into the mansion.

Even with orders to keep quiet, unsettling rumors about Helena’s absence were beginning to circulate.

Even the servants, while bowing their heads in front of him, were gossiping behind his back about how long the madam had been gone and how he had brought in a new wife.

However, even though he was disgusted, there was nothing he could do about it. His own mind was no different.

He thought he could forget by putting Natasha in Helena’s place. Instead, he thought of her even more. The cup he believed would be a solution turned out to be a poisoned chalice when he drank from it.

‘How did this happen…Damn it!’

Unable to concentrate on work at all, Eugene threw down his pen and lay down on the sofa.

As he covered his eyes with the back of his hand and rested briefly from fatigue, he heard the quiet sound of a door opening and closing.

Someone had entered the office. At the same time, there was a subtle tea fragrance.

Eugene lowered the hand that had been covering his vision and checked the identity of the uninvited guest who had suddenly appeared.

“…Helen?”

Helena, who had disappeared, was standing there with a tray holding a teapot, just like always.

Eugene involuntarily straightened his upper body. But only for a moment.

“Um….Your Grace?”

Looking closely, the woman’s identity was not Helena but Natasha.

‘Am I seeing hallucinations now?’

Eugene rubbed his eyes, which were worn from overwork, and turned his head.

“It’s nothing. Don’t mind it.”

Natasha didn’t seem flustered and set the tray on the table before approaching him closely. Then she embraced his shoulders and comforted him.

“Your Grace, please don’t overdo it. I’m also working hard to help, so you can rest a little now.”

There was a strange conviction in her voice. In fact, there wasn’t really anything to refute. It was the truth.

Contrary to concerns, Natasha had performed her given tasks excellently, beyond reproach. She was quick to understand the administrative system and was efficient and capable in handling affairs.

But mentally, she was far from sufficient to completely fill Helena’s void. Rather than covering her memory, she made Helena come to mind even more annoyingly.

Eugene got up and approached a shelf between the bookcases. He took out a bottle of vodka from a display case that had been kept decoratively and sat at his desk.

Without much effort, Eugene uncorked the bottle and asked while tilting it into a crystal-cut glass.

“Natasha. Have you ever had something that seemed unchangeable disappear?”

“Well… then it wouldn’t be unchangeable, would it?”

Eugene’s brow furrowed slightly at Natasha’s answer as he was about to drink.

“…I see.”

He nodded slightly and spoke again.

“I realized that once when I was young. There was a large zelkova tree behind the house, and when the sun set, its shadow would reach all the way to my room. Even when lightning struck, only a few branches would break.”

Eugene moistened his lips once with the amber liquid and continued.

“I would lie under that tree and read books every day. Until I entered the academy in the capital. Even then, I would come see that tree every vacation. It was always there. I thought it would be there until I died, until the Evergales continued to inherit for generations.”

The sound of refilling the glass filled the silence.

Suddenly, a bitter smile spread across Eugene’s lips.

“But one day when I went to see it, it had disappeared without a trace. They had cut it down to expand the mansion grounds, they said. Even though I rarely looked at it when I grew up, that empty space left me feeling quite hollow.”

Eugene drank about half in one gulp and gripped the glass as if covering it. His other hand, which had been rubbing his brow, pressed against his forehead.

“But… why am I feeling that way now?”

A dry sigh passed. It was a breath mixed with things that could have been regret or self-mockery.

Natasha just watched Eugene silently.

After a long while, Eugene muttered with his head still buried in his hands.

“Trees can be replanted, and people can be brought back.”

Thud. There was a dull sound of the heavy glass hitting the desk.

“She left on her own feet, so I too must go find her on my own feet.”