Even If Your Regret Tries to Hold Me Back - Chapter 26

“That’s right, what should I do……!”

Though it was a voice filled with desperate anxiety, Heidi burst into a snicker.

“Well, looking at your expression, I can tell exactly what’s going on. You lost track of brother, didn’t you?”

“H-how did you……!”

“Whenever you make that crying face, it’s always about our unpredictable His Imperial Majesty.”

She spoke as if it were no big deal. As if it were a simple problem that could be solved by giving candy to a crying child.

Because of this, Dion asked with some hope.

“So…… I was wondering, where do you think he might have run off to this time……?”

“What a strange question. I wouldn’t know that either.”

“……What?”

Making his momentary hope seem foolish, Heidi answered matter-of-factly. She just chewed on a freshly peeled banana and added indifferently.

“Just leave it be. When he disappears like that, have we ever actually found him?”

“Your Majesty has never even tried to look for him once!”

“That’s because I know we won’t find him anyway. Life’s short enough as it is, so live wisely, Dion.”

Despite Dion’s continued protests, Heidi remained nonchalant. She even giggled cheerfully.

Here he was, going crazy and jumping around in frustration, ready to die from stress, and she found this amusing?

Finally, Dion cried out in indignation.

“Why…… why do you keep laughing? Do you find it so entertaining to watch me struggle desperately?”

“Well, it’s not entirely unentertaining, but I’m just thinking that brother did find what he was looking for. Otherwise, there’s no way he would have gone crazy and disappeared like that.”

“You mean that first love?”

“He insists it’s not, but still.”

“I agree with you.”

Dion nodded vigorously, forgetting his anger for a moment. Thinking back on the recent forced marches, the current situation wasn’t entirely incomprehensible.

But understanding and acceptance were completely different territories. He just wanted to escape this situation as soon as possible.

That’s why he had contacted her, grasping at straws. What Dion had overlooked was that Ian and Heidi shared the same blood.

She was already preparing to cut off the communication screen, having been connected for only a short while.

“Anyway, I’ll assume you’re giving up and be on my way, Dion.”

“W-wait a moment! His Majesty even left Helios behind when he disappeared!”

At Dion’s trump card, even Heidi hesitated this time. But she soon came up with a wise solution.

“Then leave it to Sakin. I saw last time that Helios listens to him somewhat. Besides, even horses need to be smart to reduce headaches. Now we’re really done, right?”

“No! I still have a lot to say—”

“Sorry, I’m a bit busy right now.”

“Don’t lie! You just find me annoying!”

“I do like that you’re quick-witted. But I can’t let precious magic stones be worn down by your complaints. You know we have to conserve them since magic stone mining has decreased lately, right? The royal family has to set an example. So, farewell.”

“N-no! Don’t……!”

Click.

The screen suddenly went black. The space in front of him became desolate in an instant. Silence filled the empty space.

Dion stared blankly into the void, then suddenly began laughing like a madman.

“Haha, heh…… hahaha! Haha! Hahahaha!”

The crazed aide’s strange behavior didn’t last long. Soon, only a desperate scream echoed through the room.

“I want to go hoooome!”

****

The wallpaper he had been staring at for days now filled his vision.

How long had it been since she fell asleep again? Whether it was a few hours, a day, or two days, she couldn’t tell, but Helena felt strangely light.

Refreshed, perhaps. Clear-headed.

It felt like she had finally shaken off something that had been heavily pressing down on her lower abdomen. The monster that had been constantly trying to devour her from within seemed to have shrunk a little too.

‘Strange.’

As she lay there just blinking in this peculiar mood, she heard the sound of water. It was coming from the shower room right next door.

Seeing that the person who was usually always in her line of sight wasn’t in the room, he seemed to be washing up.

Helena first sat up on the bed, as if there were stages to follow. Then she stayed like that for quite a while. The monotonous sound of water stopped and resumed intermittently.

It was about five more minutes before she actually lifted herself off the bed. Helena scanned the floor with her eyes, looking for her slippers.

At that moment, something brushed against her foot as it passed by.

At first, she thought it was a black bottle that had rolled out of her bag, but thinking about it, she didn’t remember buying anything like that.

Meanwhile, the bottle rolled forward again. Unless the ground had suddenly tilted, a bottle that had gone backward couldn’t come forward again.

So it wasn’t a bottle at all. It was something quite heinous to mistake for a bottle.

A spider. Something with about eight legs, covered in bushy fur, quite large. The sensation of it crawling up under her skirt in childhood was still vivid.

Helena involuntarily let out a scream. And almost simultaneously, the door burst open.

“What’s wrong!”

Startled, she had been stumbling backward. Ian caught her up in his arms in the confusion.

Helena clung to his shoulders like climbing a mountain, using them as support. Strong arms supported her bottom, but she felt anxious. She felt like she would die if her feet touched the ground.

Ian, understanding the situation, moved.

“A bug appeared.”

At those words, Helena groaned in complaint. He had called that thing, which was too horrifying to even look at, merely a “bug.”

Then, as if swatting away an annoying fly, he disposed of it far too simply and threw the carcass out the window.

She didn’t dare look, but from the sound, it seemed he had dealt with it by stabbing it to the floor with a jam knife.

Helena was finally able to come to her senses when she heard a low chuckle. She had been hugging his neck almost to the point of strangling him.

How had she ended up showing such a pathetic sight? She would rather be thrown down.

“……Put me down.”

As Helena slowly loosened her tightly gripped arms, Ian adjusted his posture slightly. However, he didn’t put her down.

“Since you hugged me first, I thought you liked it.”

“Who would like something like this?”

“Well…… I wish you would.”

I wish you would complain and depend on me, lean on me even when you’re just a little hurt or scared. The quiet voice added.

Instead of answering, Helena glared at Ian and urged him once more. Of course, he remained unmoved.

Having no choice, as a final warning, she pinched his nape. It was so firm that she had to use considerable force with her fingers.

Finally, Ian bent his waist so Helena could touch the ground. He was even thoughtful enough to find her slippers and bring them in front of her feet.

Only after slipping her feet into the soft slippers did Helena realize her clothes were slightly wet. Looking up, she saw the man’s torso, still exposed as he hadn’t had time to dress properly.

Water droplets clung to muscles as taut as well-woven fabric, flowing along the contours. His pants, similarly disheveled from rushing out, hung precariously on his hip bones.

“You should dress properly too.”

Helena turned around abruptly. Behind her, she heard the sounds of him moving and opening a shelf.

While she went to sit on the bed, Ian spoke while toweling his hair.

“The innkeeper said they would do the laundry, so I left our clothes with them. They should bring them back soon, so we’ll have to stay like this until then. Is that alright?”

“……It doesn’t matter.”

“Then why do you keep turning your back?”

Suddenly, the edge of the bed sank deeply. Helena could feel his large presence even without turning around. She could smell the distinctive scent of someone fresh from a shower.

The sound of him toweling his hair continued. Helena still kept her back to him as she answered.

“Because it’s embarrassing. So I’d appreciate it if you’d stop being so oblivious.”

“What’s embarrassing?”

Whether he was genuinely asking or pretending not to know.

Helena suppressed her annoyed feelings and spoke in a self-deprecating tone.

“It’s just ridiculous. I was ready to jump into the sea and die without a care, but here I am making such a fuss over one bug.”

At this, Ian stopped moving. He seemed to be thinking for a moment, then spoke in an amused tone.

“If that’s the case, there’s someone else who’s really ridiculous. I have a coward under my command, and whenever even an ant bites his toe, he makes such a fuss. I can’t count how many times I thought he’d been struck by lightning from a clear sky.”

Helena almost giggled despite herself. But the breath she was about to exhale was swallowed and she froze.

Her face was reflected in the closed window in front of her. The corners of her mouth had started to rise as if to smile, then stopped.

As if she weren’t allowed to do so, as if all the muscles around her mouth had been severed, she lost her expression again.

“…….”

The cheerful atmosphere that had lasted until just moments ago was overshadowed as silence devoured the space.

Ian waited without concern. It was a wait that comforted her.

Helena stared at her corpse-like face reflected in the glass window, then laboriously exhaled the breath that had been stuck.

“……You probably don’t understand me. You can think I’m crazy if you want. But…….I don’t really understand myself either.”

Helena hung her head low. The tightly pulled sheet wrinkled. She was gripping it with all her strength, as if strangling someone’s neck.

“I make desperate resolutions to live somehow, then the next day I want to disappear without a trace. Even when I’m getting along reasonably well with you, the moment I turn around, I feel like I’m alone in the world.”

She squeezed out words like squeezing pus from a wound.

“Nothing goes according to my will. Even my own emotions don’t obey me. What’s so important about those damn dreams that I’m tormented even when I sleep?”

Ian just silently listened to her confession. Helena rubbed her heated eyes unnecessarily.

For whatever reason, being near this man always made her feel like crying. That’s why she was always annoyed and angry.

As if he sensed these feelings, familiar warmth spread over her hand that was gripping the sheet.

“All living, breathing beings are like that. We’re not gods, after all. Being unswayed doesn’t make someone strong either.”

“……Then what makes a strong person?”

Helena finally turned around to face him. The gaze visible between his wet hair was as warm as the heat covering her left hand.

“I think it’s someone who rises again as much as they’re broken.”

“That’s not as easy as it sounds—”

“Because it’s not easy, I’m here beside you. From now on, I’ll catch you every time you fall.”

He gently rubbed the joints of Helena’s bent fingers with his thumb. As if confirming that it was he who was holding her hand.

Helena watched this repetitive motion for a few seconds before speaking.

“I don’t need help without a price.”

“That goes for me too.”

“Then what do you want? Besides simply living, does it look like I have anything more to give?”

When she looked up with a displeased gaze, he gently closed his eyes.

“You can catch me too.”

“……I can catch you?”

Unlike her, who barely managed to ask back, Ian readily agreed.

“I’m human too, so I fall. I fall often. When that happens, you can extend your hand to me. Isn’t that why people live together? We live like that even knowing we’ll fall.”

“…….”

“It’s okay to be swayed, so live, Helena.”