Even If Your Regret Tries to Hold Me Back - Chapter 27

Ian’s hand left, leaving behind a faint warmth.

Helena bit down hard on her lower lip. What was it about a single word telling her to live that made her mind stir so restlessly? She felt as confused as a lost child.

Do I want to live?

No.

Then do I want to die?

……No.

The urge to die no longer struck her as strongly as before. But that didn’t mean a desire to live had emerged either.

‘Just, just……’

Somewhere, a regular pulse like a clock’s second hand echoed. Helena quietly placed her hand over her heart.

The sensation she had felt on the street before spread through her fingertips again. That sensation that had been so sticky and unpleasant.

But now it was a little different. She no longer felt repulsion. That was all.

Ian, too, didn’t press for an answer as if that was enough. So she didn’t bother to answer either.

‘Will there come a day when I can answer even after parting with you?’

Will I be able to choose definitively either way then? Will I be able to be certain of myself?

The circular thoughts didn’t last long. For someone who didn’t even include tomorrow in the future, it was quite a luxury.

Instead, Helena gazed at Ian for a long time, as if caressing him with her eyes.

His strong-featured face was as upright as ever, but there was a flaw. A wound she had unconsciously created while resisting him due to the aftermath of her nightmare.

“……I’m sorry.”

Helena slowly brought her hand to Ian’s lips.

As she carefully examined the split part, brushing over it, his upper body stiffened. Since he only had a towel draped over his shoulders, she could see his muscles tense up.

‘Did I brush too hard and hurt him?’

Helena hurriedly rummaged through the nightstand drawer. Since there wasn’t much inside, she quickly found what she was looking for. It was the ointment Ian had bought for Helena’s neck wound.

Helena applied the ointment to his wounded lips just as he had done for her. She thought she was being careful, but as soon as her finger touched him, he tensed his upper body even more.

“It must sting a lot.”

“……No, it doesn’t.”

Ian averted his eyes. Helena spread the ointment even more carefully, worried he might be in pain. When she finally closed the ointment cap and pulled back, he let out a small breath he had been holding.

Helena looked over his body carefully, wondering if there were any other injuries. It was convenient to examine him since he wasn’t wearing clothes.

As she focused mainly on his nape and sides, she noticed a long mark below his ribcage. Following the naturally thick thorn-like shape, it extended to his back.

Ian tried to hide it, saying that was enough, but her hand removing the towel was faster.

‘……!’

Helena couldn’t help but gasp when she saw that broad back.

The back that had always felt like a thick iron wall was covered with all kinds of scars. It seemed as if every weapon in the world had left at least one mark.

She traced those trajectories with her fingers. Not just as simple scar tracks, but as if they were a single path.

‘Even this person who seems to lack nothing… perhaps every moment…….’

Helena found herself thinking about the life of a different man, not Eugene, for the first time.

It was the first time. So the feeling was strange. Somehow, when it came to this man, she kept experiencing more and more firsts.

Meanwhile, Ian flinched a little, then soon let out a sigh mixed with resignation. Then he put on his usual brazen mask and responded.

“Are you finally taking an interest in me?”

“What can I do when it’s right in front of my eyes?”

“It would be more comfortable to pretend not to see even what’s visible.”

“That’s more… uncomfortable for me. Pretending about anything is exhausting.”

“Then by all means, do as you’re comfortable.”

After finishing those words, Ian got up from the bed and approached the door. As soon as he opened it, the innkeeper who was about to knock jumped in surprise.

After giving her a tip and receiving the laundry, he finally dressed properly. Then he lay down on the floor as if it were a bed. He looked as comfortable as if he were mistaking it for a soft mattress.

Ian began reading the newspaper that the innkeeper had placed on top of the laundry, with one ankle crossed over his bent knee.

Helena stared intently at the floor where he was lying, then bluntly spoke up.

“Come up and sleep here. I’m going to wash up now.”

Then Ian lowered his newspaper slightly and met Helena’s eyes over it.

“Are you serious? Once I get up there, I won’t move.”

“Just for tonight.”

“I’m quite grateful to the bugs.”

He folded the newspaper and got up with a small smile.

The bed, originally for two people, sank deeply again.

****

[I saw her in Futuo. I met her while strolling by the seaside, but I don’t know about now. Still, try going there. Since sister liked the sea, she might still be there.]

Eugene rode his horse frantically, recalling the boy’s words. Though rough breaths rose to his chin, he didn’t stop.

Finally arriving at Futuo’s beach, he entered the shop closest to the shore.

At his ominous presence, all the people in the store turned their attention to him.

Eugene didn’t care and asked about her whereabouts, describing her appearance. However, everyone just shook their heads, and no one answered.

Eugene had no choice but to come outside. Just then, the knights who had been scattered for the search returned, but the information they brought was no different.

Had she already left, or was it the opposite shore?

He needed to organize his impatient thoughts to readjust the search positions. Eugene took out a cigar from his chest, bit it, and brought a cutter to the end.

Just as he was about to move his fingers to cut the tip, a man sprawled in a corner of the street slowly got up.

“There, my lord, it seems you’re looking for someone. If you give this poor soul just one coin, I’ll help you.”

The man, who kept hiccupping, reeked of strong alcohol. Eugene’s brow furrowed deeply.

“I’m not desperate enough to need help from a beggar.”

However, the man didn’t back down and gave a meaningful smile.

“Hehe, you need it precisely because I’m a beggar. I’m the kind of person whose home is wherever I lie down, so I sometimes spend a day using that rocky reef overlooking the sea as my bed. Watching people all day is my job.”

Eugene, who was about to ignore the man and pass by, stiffened and stopped. He pointed toward the sea with his chin and asked.

“Are you saying you saw everything that happened on that sea?”

“Well, at least during the hours I was awake…”

The man who had been acting boldly licked his lips and trailed off. His eyes suggested that there had to be something coming before something could go.

At this transparent behavior, Eugene silently approached. The man’s lips curled up at the thought of the gold coin that would soon fall into his hands.

But his sweet dream was short-lived.

Crack.

Suddenly, something sharp grazed the man’s cheek and embedded itself in the wall he was leaning against. It was a blade drawn from the cigar cutter.

Though it was only as long as a pinky finger joint, its power was comparable to any decent long sword due to the sword energy surrounding it.

“Hueop…!”

The man who experienced it firsthand couldn’t even let out a short scream and swallowed his breath.

A gaze filled with murderous intent fell upon him.

“Choose. Whether I should gouge out those eyes that fail to see properly despite being perfectly attached, or cut that three-inch tongue that makes light of everything.”

Under the suffocating pressure, he hurriedly prostrated himself and bowed his head first.

“Wha, what kind of person are you looking for? I’ll tell you anything I know.”

“A woman with neatly tied… no, long curly red hair and blue eyes. Her height reaches about my shoulder—”

“Ah, that woman.”

Before the words were even finished, the man pretended to know. When Eugene glared at him fiercely, the man flinched for a moment but then quickly kowtowed.

“Her clothes were ordinary, but she was quite a beauty, so I remember her. Though I only saw her briefly because she had her hat pulled down so low.”

“When and where did you see her?”

“Since I was drunk at the time, I don’t remember exactly, but… about ten days ago, she ran into the sea as if possessed by something.”

“What do you mean by that? Running into the sea?”

“Exactly as I said. Whether she intended to die or not, she walked in by herself.”

“Must I really pull out that wretched tongue of yours to hear the truth!”

Eugene grabbed the man’s nape roughly while shouting. The man who was forcibly lifted up barely managed to speak while clutching his strangled neck.

“Kehek, kek! It’s true! What would I gain by lying!”

“Then are you saying Helena is dead!”

“No, no! The woman didn’t die! I saw some man who happened to be passing by save her. I fell asleep after that, so I don’t know much more, but she definitely lived. I swear!”

Only then did Eugene release the man’s collar. As soon as his hand dropped, the man tumbled to the ground.

Leaving behind the man who was rubbing his hands together, begging to be spared, Eugene walked away heavily.

He was extremely confused about what he had just heard. He felt dazed as if he had been hit hard on the head with a blunt object.

‘Helena, Helen… tried to take her own life?’

She who left so easily and departed so easily, now wanted to die. Nonsense. Eugene couldn’t accept it.

‘What is it that makes everything so easy for you? You left me like a whim, and now even your life is a whim?’

He stopped walking aimlessly when he reached the fountain in the town square.

Watching the regularly falling streams of water, a fragment of past memory suddenly crossed his heavy mind.

[Eugene. I hate this day.]

Along with it, a thin sense of guilt also arose. Though he was shocked, it wasn’t because he was completely unaware of the reality. There was always a reason behind whims.

‘Come to think of it, it’s Basil’s death anniversary……’

She had always been someone who, even while laughing happily, would sometimes say with her whole body that she didn’t want to live.