Even If Your Regret Tries to Hold Me Back - Chapter 38

Walter’s footsteps gradually grew distant. Eugene stood frozen in place until the sound could no longer be heard at all.

He merely exhaled smoke into the air several times, and when even that wore thin, he opened a new bottle of whiskey.

Cigarettes and alcohol—things he hadn’t touched because of Helena—went down easily now that she wasn’t by his side.

It was because thoughts he didn’t even want to entertain kept surfacing in his mind. He needed something to stir them up.

Basil’s death, her increasingly helpless appearance, and finally the divorce declaration she had burst out with.

The love he had believed to be pure affection all this time might have been his delusion alone.

For the sake of that beloved blood relative, she might have lived her life acting as if she loved him.

An unexpected fear overwhelmed him.

Eugene Evergale now had something he dared to fear.

‘Did you marry me for money from the beginning, Helena?’

When suspicion that even alcohol couldn’t overcome finally bloomed.

Crash!

Eugene hurled the glass he was holding at the wall before him.

Like the shattered glass fragments, his thoughts also scattered into pieces.

No. No.

‘That’s impossible.’

It wasn’t merely wishful thinking for the sake of rationalization.

She wasn’t cunning enough to harbor such schemes. She wasn’t a woman who used her head when it came to love.

If love was a game where the one who loves more loses, Helena was always the loser.

So if there was a reason, it would be…

It would be…

Eugene closed his eyes and leaned back against the sofa, unwilling to reach a conclusion.

He didn’t want to regret. He had done nothing wrong.

This worry should end with her standing in his daily life once again.

‘Tomorrow I’ll need to expand the search radius beyond the bridge.’

He had already gathered several testimonies about seeing a woman with striking red hair and beautiful features. Eugene soothed his dizzy mind by retracing the remaining routes.

But it didn’t last long before he sat up again and buried his forehead in his hands. A growling moan escaped through his clenched teeth.

He had tried to think only of urgent matters, but it wasn’t easy. Whether it was a person or idle thoughts, an existence that had already taken root couldn’t be pulled out in one go.

Instead, every time he tried to find Helena, he felt like he was losing her.

There was no point in turning away—he already knew the answer. That’s why.

‘I’m angry.’

At her for hiding everything.

At himself for not knowing everything.

For the first time, he was angry.

——

Not far away, the sound of trumpet performance rang out loudly.

A ceremony celebrating the succession of a new marquis title in the Firensha region, which bordered Evergale, was in full swing.

Eugene walked with uncharacteristically hurried steps to find Helena. Fortunately, the vivid red color was visible even from a distance.

Pushing through the crowd and finally standing beside Helena, Eugene wrapped one arm around her shoulder and whispered in her ear.

“Sorry I’m late.”

It was an apology that rendered his promise from a few days ago meaningless. He had been the one to first suggest attending the succession ceremony to enjoy the festival together.

If he had known it would turn out like this, he wouldn’t have gone to see Natasha in the first place.

At some point, Eugene found it increasingly difficult to cut off his visits to the villa. Even when he only intended to check if she was doing well.

Moreover, once there, time flew by as if he were under some spell. Today too, he had ended up being late because he couldn’t refuse Natasha’s request to stay by her side a little longer.

However, contrary to Eugene’s worries, Helena greeted him calmly.

“It’s fine. Being alone wasn’t bad either.”

She wasn’t angry, tired, or completely dry in tone. It was just a nuance as if she were distracted by something else and had casually chosen words to respond with.

Helena glanced briefly at Eugene and turned her head forward again.

“As you said, attending parties frequently is helpful. I get to see things like that.”

Eugene followed Helena’s gaze. There, a knights’ tournament was in full swing.

The inauguration ceremony for the newly organized knight order following the generational change in the Firensha family had ended early. This tournament seemed to be held as part of the festivities.

Befitting the event, there was also a space next to the tournament ground where swords were introduced and taught to beginners.

Eugene looked down at Helena thoughtfully, having identified what ‘that’ referred to.

‘…Is it interesting?’

She couldn’t take her eyes off the sword fighting, as if she wouldn’t miss a single small movement. She was even holding a training wooden sword she had gotten from somewhere.

Had she participated in some event while he was away? Her pale cheeks were flushed pink like peach blossoms. There was a subtle but noticeable vitality in her face, which had shown only one expression lately.

Helena spoke while still keeping her eyes fixed on the knights’ movements.

“Since I was young… I’ve thought about it sometimes. That I’d like to become a knight at least once. A wandering knight who travels freely without being tied to one place.”

Eugene chuckled softly at this.

“There are no women who wield swords while wearing dresses, Helena.”

Helena’s lips, which had been slightly upturned, returned to their original position.

She blinked slowly and looked up at Eugene.

“…Then what if I took off the dress?”

Another question flowed through her mind.

‘What if I stripped away Evergale from myself?’

Fortunately or unfortunately, Helena’s gaze didn’t meet Eugene’s. He had turned his head to give some instruction to a servant with gestures.

She didn’t know if he had read her hidden intentions.

However, he answered while receiving what the servant brought.

“People shine when they wear what suits them best.”

Eugene opened a cream-colored parasol densely designed with frills.

Before she knew it, Helena’s grip held the smooth, white handle of the parasol instead of the rough wood grain.

Eugene returned the wooden sword he had taken from her hands to the servant and said,

“The sun is hot, so let’s move indoors now. Your skin will get burned.”

“…….”

Eugene began to exit the crowd with his arm around Helena’s shoulder.

Helena followed him silently but stopped midway.

Worried that she might bump into passersby due to her sudden halt, Eugene pulled her closer.

Until then, no sound came from Helena. She only tilted the parasol back slightly so its end wouldn’t poke Eugene.

“Helena?”

Eugene looked at Helena with a puzzled expression.

She quietly spoke.

“Eugene. Do I look radiant to you right now?”

Under the brilliant afternoon sunlight, wearing a fresh light green silk dress, with her beautiful face covered by the parasol’s shade, the woman asked.

At that moment, Eugene’s body stiffened.

It was brief, but for a moment, someone else with a more fragile impression seemed to overlap over her.

[Grand Duke, please don’t go.]

The back of his retinas, where the afterimage remained, became parched.

Eugene rubbed his stiff eyes in considerable shock.

‘Why am I…?’

He couldn’t bring himself to face Helena immediately. Only after putting some distance between them did he move his lips.

“…You always have.”

He answered repeatedly as if confirming to himself.

“You’ve shone every moment you’ve been by my side.”

Despite hearing the answer, Helena didn’t move.

She didn’t know what expression she should make while looking at Eugene, who wouldn’t meet her eyes.

‘Then… why did you abandon me and go looking for that woman again?’

So she simply erased her expression.

She erased her eyes, nose, and mouth, swallowed the question that had risen to her throat, and instead overlaid a different question on her tongue tip before spitting it out.

“If I didn’t shine, would you still continue to love me? Even if I were a woman holding a sword while wearing a dress?”

This time she could hear his voice much faster.

“Even if you were a woman holding grain stalks while wearing rags.”

“…Even then?”

“I love you. Even then.”

Eugene cupped her small face with both hands, pulled her close, and kissed her round forehead. Then he hurried his steps again.

Helena walked maintaining some distance from him. The heat remaining on her skin felt strangely foreign.

Like his body temperature now spreading through her fingers intertwined with his.

Finally, she murmured quietly.

“Liar.”

It was a voice so faint it could be swept away by even a gentle breeze, but Eugene heard it.

However, he didn’t bother to turn around. He couldn’t see her expression anyway since her face was hidden by the parasol.

What expression did you have when you said that?

I should have turned around once, Eugene thought only now.

****

‘It’s huge.’

Helena craned her neck back as far as it would go. Still, the treetops didn’t come into view.

Though it was merely the edge of the forest, black trees rose so densely they seemed to pierce the sky.

She had chosen any nearby place colored green on the map and come here without much thought.

Whoosh— An ominous wind sound passed by once more. Ian grabbed her arm.

“The atmosphere isn’t good. It would be better to go back now.”

She hadn’t insisted they must go to the forest, but now that it was right before her eyes, she felt reluctant to turn back.

Helena resisted Ian’s grip trying to pull her out, standing firm with strength.

“We haven’t even properly gone inside yet.”

“Let’s look for another forest. Even if we pass through here, it’s questionable whether there’s a village beyond.”

“But clearly on the map…”

Helena was pulling away from Ian’s hand and rummaging through her bag to unfold the map when…

“Good heavens, what are you people doing there?”

Not far away, an old man waved his hands, his face pale with alarm.

“Come out of there quickly! Quickly!”

The two people just stared blankly at the old man, not understanding. Then the old man quickly looked around and came running hurriedly.

“From the looks of you not understanding, you must be from out of town. Anyway, if you value your lives, you shouldn’t be here like this.”

The old man grabbed Ian and Helena’s arms, one each, and led them out of the forest path.

Startled, Helena looked up at Ian. However, he didn’t stop the old man. Rather, he placed a large hand on her back and gently pushed so she wouldn’t resist and stand firm again.

The old man didn’t let go of their arms until they reached a place where the trees’ shadows no longer fell.

Only then did the old man catch his breath and point behind them to ask,

“How reckless of you. Didn’t you see the sign?”

“…?”

Helena carefully retraced the path they had taken. But there had been no sign. If there had been one, even if she had missed it, he would have seen it.

When the two people quietly exchanged glances, the old man pressed his forehead.

“Oh my. Cerberus must have torn it apart again.”

The old man clicked his tongue and warned in a cautionary tone,

“If you don’t want to be torn apart and devoured without a trace like that, don’t even come near this forest. This place is a den of magical beasts.”

“Magical beasts?”

“This forest itself is designated as a restricted area. It’s all a measure taken for safety’s sake. Originally, if you’re reported as trespassers, you have to pay a fine, but…”

The old man glanced at Helena and Ian and continued,

“I’ll let it slide this time, seeing as you’re a married couple.”

“Cough, cough!”

Just then, Ian, who had been drinking water, burst into choking coughs.