Even If Your Regret Tries to Hold Me Back - Chapter 45

Just then, Gelda entered and scolded him.

Flam pulled back his body and grumbled.

“Gossiping? What gossiping. I just asked how the sleeping arrangements were.”

“Uncle was badmouthing the captain!”

However, at Lily’s loud tattling, Gelda frowned.

“What? You did that last time too, and you still haven’t broken that bad habit.”

“Oh come on, Captain, you’re not actually believing this scheming little brat’s words… ugh.”

Gelda’s firm hand caused his dark brown hair to flop forward.

Lily, sitting on Flam’s thigh, kicked her feet and giggled. Her feet and Flam’s large movements caused the dishes to clatter noisily against the table.

It was a noisy and chaotic scene. But strangely, it wasn’t unpleasant to watch. Helena continued eating slowly amidst it all.

She could even taste the food properly. In the past, no matter how precious a meal she was served, it would taste bland and watery as if she were chewing water.

Her sense of taste, which had been slowly returning since Futuo, was now completely restored.

Finding this fascinating, Helena forced more tomatoes into her mouth.

Ian watched her closely. Then, before Helena could bring another piece to her mouth, he speared a tomato with his fork and held it out in front of her.

As if he were a caring lover feeding his beloved.

“…What is this?”

“You seemed to like it.”

“I have hands too.”

“I have them too, so I just wanted to show you.”

Ian lightly shook the fork as if telling her to open her mouth.

At this unexpected exchange, Helena stopped eating. Then Ian withdrew the tomato and instead handed her a glass of water.

Helena’s face reflected in the water glass looked puzzled. Though she found him a bit suspicious for still watching her, she drank the water.

And a few seconds after putting down the water cup, she understood his intention.

From the beginning, he intended to…

A fullness she hadn’t noticed suddenly hit her. If she had eaten more, she might have gotten indigestion.

He seemed to have already figured out her meal portions. He noticed she was forcing herself to eat before she did. Just as he always had until now.

Helena ran her gaze over the man in front of her, looking him up and down. From his finely drawn silver hair to his pale purple eyes, slowly.

“I’ll wait in front of your room every breakfast time.”

Ian, meeting her eyes, smiled. It was a gentle smile like morning air holding the sun.

Helena felt like she was suffocating from the quiet tenderness.

But the breath that rose from within, tickling her throat, was warm.

So she thought again.

This wasn’t an unpleasant choking sensation. Rather, rather…

Helena took a long breath. As if there might be an answer in her heart, as if she could extract that tickling warmth mixed with her exhaled breath.

Ian silently reached out his hand while watching her.

And he wiped the oil from Helena’s red lips with his finger. Helena unconsciously held her breath.

The moment his firm skin passed over each wrinkle of her lower lip as if caressing it.

“Phew, is it still possible to eat?”

Sakin appeared suddenly, wiping sweat from his forehead. Helena felt grateful to him for some reason.

It was difficult to gather and define unclear sensations or emotions.

She temporarily buried what Ian had left with her, grateful for Sakin’s interruption.

“Sit here, Sakin.”

“Ah, thank you.”

Helena pulled out the chair that had been empty since Flam and Lily left first. Sakin quickly sat down on it.

His tied-up blue hair brushed against Helena’s hand that was gripping the chair back. It was cool, as if it had absorbed the outside air for a long time.

“You must have had a lot to do from early morning.”

“No, it’s just that the dining hall is too far away.”

Sakin swept his bangs back from his forehead and smacked his lips. Having shown up near the end of meal time, he looked quite hungry.

As soon as he finished greeting the chef, he bit into his sandwich with his mouth full.

Helena placed the fresh glass of milk Ian had given her in front of Sakin and asked.

“But Sakin… isn’t the dormitory building you’re staying in in Section 3?”

Sakin, who had emptied his bulging cheeks with one swallow, opened his eyes wide.

“Oh, you have a good memory. Section 3-C, that’s right.”

Then he concentrated on his meal again. Helena heard Ian’s small sigh beside her.

She also pushed the large salad plate and soup bowl in front of Sakin.

“…Eat a lot.”

You’ll get hungry again soon if you’re going to wander around again.

As far as she knew, it was only a 3-minute walk from Sakin’s room to the dining hall.

****

The following days were a repetition of similar routines.

Once Helena got up, she started her morning with Ian’s greeting as he had declared.

The clear morning air, the plane tree walking path leading to the dining hall, the man walking beside her, matching her pace.

These were things that were gradually beginning to seep into her daily life. The sensation that had been warmly continuing from before and Ian’s traces.

‘I shouldn’t take it for granted.’

She resolved again and again, but it wasn’t as easy as she thought. There were too many things he had fixed for her to do that. Even her seat for eating in the dining hall was like that.

Helena sat between Ian and Lily, but unlike the first day, Lily sat on the left and Ian sat on the right. Helena no longer bumped arms with Lily.

‘But you’re the one making it seem natural.’

Helena felt like she was melting from the silent consideration. It wasn’t even poison, but she kept melting away. It was such a strange feeling that she sometimes wanted to freeze instead.

After morning passed like this, she would walk around various parts of the guild. Meeting new people and learning small tasks. At the end of the day, she would finish by having dinner again with Ian, Sakin, and Lily.

However, unlike in Futuo, there was now time when she was apart from Ian. Because of this, Helena had to think about what to do when she was alone.

[What? What do you do in your free time? Well, you just do what you want to do. Did you think I was some evil boss who regulated even that?]

[What a stupid question! Where in the world is there someone who worries about such things? I want to eat gâteau au chocolat until my stomach bursts all day, ride on a rhinoceros’s back and run, wear the prettiest dress in the world and dance at a ball! There are so many things I want to do!]

The expressions of Gelda and Lily, who had acted as if they’d received all kinds of strange questions before, flashed through her mind.

‘Things I want to do…’

Helena sat at the desk in her room, rested her head on her arm, and blankly looked out the window.

The coniferous trees that jutted sharply through the forest mist looked exactly like the spires of Evergale.

‘What did I want to do there…?’

She must have done something. Her days were always so busy that twenty-four hours weren’t enough.

She was constantly engaged in either work or social activities, and she faithfully attended the social gatherings hosted by her mother-in-law and Evergale’s nobles to satisfy them.

When Eugene was too busy to properly inspect the territory, she would sometimes secretly go around and check on it herself.

‘Because I didn’t want to let anything harm him in any way.’

She finished everything she could with her own hands as much as possible.

When her thoughts reached that point, Helena suddenly realized.

Even what she thought she had wanted to do and had done because she wanted to was ultimately all for someone else.

Even the swordsmanship she had taken an interest in was something she started because Sir Agyle recommended it, not because she had picked up a sword herself.

So she had to find it now.

‘If I stay like this, I’ll probably keep thinking of you… of the past whenever I have free time.’

Helena straightened her upper body that had been resting on her arm and took out paper and writing tools from the desk drawer.

The ink bottle that had been provided was almost dried up, so she scraped together the ink and barely managed to slide the pen tip across the top of the blank paper.

<Things I Want to Do>

<1.>

Building a log house next to Basil’s grave and living there would be too lonely now. She was someone who disliked being alone more than dying. Having learned that about herself, there was no need to deliberately choose solitude.

Just as she had dotted next to the number, the ink completely ran out. She tried scraping the pen tip on the paper, but only scratched marks remained.

Helena stared blankly down at it, then blamed the ink for no reason and put the paper back. Her mind was as blank as white paper.

Maybe she’d think of something next time.

****

It was earlier than usual when she opened her eyes.

The sky was still bluish, but Helena got up diligently and prepared for the start of the day.

She put on a white tunic dress that had been dried in the clear weather, and over it wore a blue twill dress in apron style.

Before putting it on, she buried her face in the fabric and smelled the bright sunlight. She liked it.

The woman standing in front of the mirror was still nearly expressionless, but inside she felt good.

Helena then rubbed the ends of her red hair and tied it with a blue string the same color as her clothes. Not because she wanted to look neat, but simply because it was convenient for activities.

‘…There’s no one to look good for anymore anyway.’

Her neckline without hair felt empty for the first time in a long while. The feeling of air directly touching her skin was awkward.

But considering that in the past she had always braided or pinned it up, perhaps feeling this way now was actually more awkward.

Having finished dressing herself, Helena was about to leave her room immediately but stopped in front of the side table. The holly brooch caught her eye.

After brief consideration, Helena pinned on the brooch and went outside.

The sky had grown a bit brighter in the meantime. The clouds soaked in morning glow looked like watercolors with lots of water spread on them.

‘While I was walking looking only at the ground, was the sky this beautiful?’

Helena walked while staring only at the clouds in fascination. Then her foot caught on something and she stumbled.

“Careful.”

At that moment, someone caught her body as it tilted forward.

Helena instinctively grabbed onto the arm wrapped around her waist like a support. She could feel the temporarily tensed muscles under her palm from the effort of supporting her.

It was someone she could now recognize even by shadow alone.

TN

“호랑가시나무” literally means “tiger thorn tree”, but it’s the Korean name for the holly tree, specifically Ilex species. 

I previously only mentioned “thorny” or “thorn” brooch

호랑가시나무 브로치 → holly brooch

(i.e., a brooch shaped like or made from holly leaves/berries)