I Went Back to Being a High School Student Again, but I Was Rejected by My Childhood Friend, Whom I Thought Was In Love With Me, So I tried to Suicide With the Most Beautiful Girl In the School. - Chapter 14

Double Suicide

　The seasons go on and on.

　Autumn leaves fall, dead trees are decorated with illuminations, and the gates of people’s houses are decorated with kadomatsu (gate pines)――So the days go by, and before I know it, the entrance examinations are over.

　I took the entrance examination for the university that I had passed in my first life.

　I probably passed the entrance exam again.

　Thanks to the days when Natsuki taught me how to study.

　The last time I had a conversation with Natsuki was on that day, the first day of the festival.

　Since then, Natsuki has not helped me with my study anymore.

　She never said hello to me again.

　For better or worse, I don’t miss her.

　It’s only natural since I never tried to stay close to her.

　I look at the date on the display of my cell phone.

　Today is the day before the graduation ceremony.

　It is the day that Natsuki Mirai took her own life in my first life.

　I am waiting for an incoming call from her.

　I remember her words under the clear sky after the rainy season.

[ When I decide to die――you’ll die with me. ]

　I certainly exchanged a promise with her.

　If she remembers that promise, I should hear from her soon.

　――That’s what I thought, but no matter how long I waited, there was no contact from her.

　When I looked out of the window, it was already dark and night had fallen.

　I half realized that Natsuki would probably never contact me.

　I put the will addressed to my parents on the desk――and left the room.

* * *

　It was colder than I had expected at school at night.

　I adjust the collar of my coat and go up the stairs.

　Then I arrived at the rooftop door. Naturally, the door’s padlock was unlocked.

　I open the door.

　There she is. Under the twinkling stars was Natsuki Mirai, whose presence was as vague as an apparition.

　She noticed the door to the rooftop open and turned around.

“Why are you…here? “

　Natsuki asked me with surprise and a hint of delight.

“We promised each other.”

　Hearing my words, Natsuki’s face turned calm as if she had understood.

“I see. “

　She muttered.

　I’m coming here must have been suspicious, but it might have been a trivial matter for her, who had made up her mind to die.

　I climb over the railing and stand next to her.

　Looking up, I see a beautiful night sky with twinkling stars.

　Looking down, I saw the endless darkness of the abyss open its mouth.

“Why didn’t you contact me? “

　I asked with a hint of frustration in my tone.

“…well. Because, unlike me, you actually have someone who needs you. That’s why I felt bad about letting you die with me.”

　I thought Natsuki’s words were sincere.

　As she said, even the situation is painful to the point of death.

　I guess she doesn’t have the crazy sensibility to take someone else along with her to death.

“Why do you want to die with me? ――Komae Koyoi and Iori Towa, and I’m sure the people in our class feel the same way. There are so many people who need you.”

　Listening to Natsuki’s words, I realized that she still had illusions about me.

　However, it is impossible for me to live up to her expectation.

“…that kind of thing, it doesn’t matter.”

　The despair I had been holding back in my heart leaked out from my mouth.

“I thought I was capable of loving someone.”

　The memory of my former life moves my 18-year-old body.

　Without paying attention to Natsuki, who stares at me dumbfoundedly, I continue.

“I have been in love with Koyoi for the longest time, I have worked hard for her, but I still couldn’t take the last step, and I have regretted it. I thought that even with someone other than Koyoi, I could look forward to growing new love and be happy.”

　――Recalling the anguish that I should have never experienced, I clenched my fists tighter.

“But I couldn’t.”

　No matter how beautiful.

　No matter how intelligent.

　No matter how sincere.

　No matter how passionate――

“Even if she’s the perfect girl that makes everyone envies me. The words of love I whispered were ridiculously empty.

――My whole life, I thought that the regret of not being able to tell Koyoi how I felt had left a huge hole in my heart, and no one could fill it.”

　To Natsuki, who didn’t know that I was repeating my life all over again, these words would have made no sense.

“So I was happy to have the chance to start over again. Even if she rejected me, I didn’t care. I had no regrets, and I was ready to die anytime.”

[ Do you like me? I don’t get it. Why would I date you? ]

　I was rejected by Koyoi, but I was still satisfied.

　I have no regrets. And I have no hope for the future. I thought I could die anytime.

　So I told Natsuki on that rainy rooftop that [When you decide to die, I’ll die with you.]

　However――

“But, looking at Koyoi’s smile when she told me how she really felt for me, despite my pounding heart, I realized that my heart was not trapped by her. That’s when I became aware of it.”

　On the first day of summer vacation.

[ Akira, if it’s you. I like… I like you. ]

　Despite the fact that Koyoi, whom I had been in love with for so long, told me how she felt about me.

　Even though I think her shyness is adorable and my 18-year-old body beats with excitement――

　My memory and my heart of 28 years old…

　…never loved her.

　It’s also true for Iori Towa.

　And the same goes for Natsuki Mirai.

　With all the words I said to them, I couldn’t think of the future with anyone.

　They were the same deceptive and empty words I once whispered to the one I tried to love.

“In the end, I… I didn’t want to admit that I had always been an empty person who couldn’t love anyone, so I just kept looking away, blaming it on my regrets for not telling Koyoi how I felt.”

　I scratch my chest through my clothes.

　There was definitely a big hole, invisible to the eye, on the border between the mind and the body.

“Even if I study hard, get into a good university, get a job in a good company, and am called a winner socially and economically.

Even if I get a dazzling amount of money and have a lot of beautiful women in my life that everyone envies… my heart will never be satisfied, and I will only dry up from my hunger for love.”

　The more time passes, the more the memory of 28 years old fits into this adolescent’s body.

　But my body cannot keep up with the memories.

　Every time, my heart, forced into this unfinished vessel, screams.

　My attachment to life fades, and I crave death.

“Such a life is worthless.”

　I look at Natsuki, and she looks at me silently.

　Her gaze was filled with clear contempt.

“That’s why, everything doesn’t matter. Even if someone needs me, I can’t give anything back to anyone. My heart is fundamentally lacking something.

I can’t be happy, and I’m not going to make anyone happy. I can’t stand to face this ugliness in myself any longer. And yet ――I don’t have the guts to die on my own.”

　I’m sure I’m wearing an ironically distorted, very ugly expression on my face.

“I won’t ask why Natsuki wants to die….. I don’t even want to hear it. Even if I felt sorry for you and I didn’t want you to die. Still, for myself, I want you to die with me.”

　Hearing my words, Natsuki gives me a sneer and looks down at me from the bottom of her heart.

“On the last night of my life, I was told a sickening, demented poem. Am I perhaps the most unhappy person in the world right now? “

　Her voice trembles with anger.

　She seemed to be deeply disappointed by my speech, which was beyond her expectations.

“I’m sorry.”

　Natsuki then says, her discomfort evident in her words.

“I thought I liked you. But I guess I was just mistaken――I just wanted to feel comfortable with someone lower than me.”

　I take her words straight to the heart.

　My relationship with Natsuki is good.

　Maybe we felt the possibility of touching each other’s hearts, getting close to each other, and forgiving each other.

　But―

　There was no such future――I told myself.

“Natsuki!”

　She replies sadly, [What?].

“I need you.”

　I hold out my hand to her.

　Even if no one else needs Natsuki.

　Now, I, not anyone else――

　Natsuki Mirai, I want Mirai to die together with me.

　[ Natsuki Mirai, I wanted a future where we would die together. ]

( Mirai means future, it can be both sentences. )

“The worst (Saitei).”

　She spits out one word.

　Still, her expression is calm.

　Her hand gently squeezes mine as I offer it to her.

　Natsuki and I looked at each other.

　We smiled at each other silently, just a little, and then we naturally took a step forward.

　The feeling of floating came over me.

　For a moment, I felt as if I were flying.

　As we were falling under the weight of gravity, my heart was filled with joy at the prospect of everything coming to an end.

　But it was only for a moment.

　The moment I hit the ground.

　I regretted it when I saw Natsuki.

　A single tear rolled down her cheek.

　I was made aware once again, at the moment of my death, of the scum of the earth I am.

　A guy who did not think of saving the innocent girl but only hunted her down, just like the people around her.

　Why didn’t anyone wipe her tears?

　Maybe, there might have been a future where I had stopped her tears.

　I realized at the last moment of my life that there was nothing I could do right now――

　Seeing her like this, I regretted it very deeply.

　My thoughts were interrupted by the shock.

　I felt an unbearable pain that tore my whole body into pieces.

　Without being able to raise my voice in despair――

　My consciousness ceased to exist.

* * *

――That is?――

　In my foggy consciousness, I could see [something.]

　What is this?

“It’s reserved for us.”

　I said.

[ There are no students coming――they can do it at home or at a prep school――students who are involved in gymnastic clubs also don’t come to the library at all. ]

　Natsuki answered.

　My body seems to be moving with a clear will, though I’m not sure if I’m conscious or not.

　Is this… that?

　I wonder if I am seeing the real revolving lantern of memories this time.

　I recalled my memories.

　The summer vacation, the day I watched fireworks on the rooftop after she helped me study.

　She took me to the rooftop.

　And then the bright fireworks we saw.

[ My plan has gone awry――I don’t think I can repay you――lousy fireworks.]

　My consciousness gradually becomes clearer.

　I feel the night breeze caressing my cheek, and I can feel Natsuki breathing on the floor next to me…

　The noise in my head clears up at once.

　Oh, I see.

“You’re probably right.”

“…if you get into a university in Tokyo, I’ll show you around.”

　I’m going through the same thing all over again――

“…are you listening? “

　Natsuki slapped my despairing cheek without hesitation.

　The force was weak, but I felt a definite sensation.

　This pain sensation, as if it were a final blow, made me realize that this was reality.

　Even though she was dissatisfied, Natsuki looked at me with a somewhat worried expression on her face――

　Then my body lost its strength, and I helplessly collapsed to the ground.