I Went Back to Being a High School Student Again, but I Was Rejected by My Childhood Friend, Whom I Thought Was In Love With Me, So I tried to Suicide With the Most Beautiful Girl In the School. - Chapter 37

Salvation

　Gen’no Akira.

　Even though I hardly talked to him, I knew that he was the captain of the boys’ volleyball club, well-liked, good-looking, smart, and popular among the girls.

　However, he suddenly confessed his feelings to his childhood friend, Komae Koyoi, in class, and of course, he was rejected. A boy with a loose screw on his head. (TN: Behave in a strange way and seem slightly mentally ill.)

　He didn’t directly harass me, but he ignored me as if it were natural――

　I did not like him.

　But on that day, something felt different, the atmosphere was somehow strange.

　And while talking, I felt a strange sense of relief.

　After a while, I realized that it was because he was speaking in standard Japanese to suit me.

　That’s when I began to think that I might get along with this guy.

“When you decide to die, I’ll die with you.”

　I realized he was a crazy guy when he said that.

　I immediately ran away from that place.

　But from then until summer vacation.

　The daily escalation of bullying from those stupid gals stopped.

　There was only one possibility.

　I realized that he had made them stop for my sake.

　So I called him to the rooftop and made a promise.

“When I decide to die――you’ll die with me.”

　The guy who had been rejected by his childhood friend might be suffering only now.

　To me, he was the only good person I met in this high school… I didn’t really want him to die.

　If I think that way, maybe I won’t have selfish thoughts of wanting to die.

* * *

“I’m sorry, Mirai, I couldn’t make you go to the summer camp at the prep school.”

　Without seeming very apologetic, my mother said that to me.

“No, it’s okay, really.”

　She told me that she couldn’t afford the summer camp because our family’s finances were tight.

　Even though she was wearing brand-name clothes and bags, and expensive cosmetics, maybe it was because she needed the money for the drinks she was consuming at night——or some other expense.

　Either way, it was obvious that her affair had something to do with our family’s financial difficulties.

　If I had told my father, maybe it would have been resolved.

　That means I couldn’t resolve it on my own.

“If I studied on my own, that would have been enough.”

“Thank you, Mirai.”

　Mother dresses beautifully, wears beautiful makeup and smiles.

　With all my heart… I truly felt that my beautiful mother’s smile was ugly.

　The day we watched fireworks together.

“Natsuki’s mother. She is a beautiful woman.”

　He said those words when he saw my mother.

　I couldn’t possibly accept those words.

“Don’t say such disgusting things.”

　My mother was a promiscuous woman, far from being a beautiful person.

　But I couldn’t say it like that.

　I didn’t want him to think of her daughter, me, as being promiscuous too.

* * *

　The bullying at school had calmed down considerably.

　My relationship with him was also good, and I spent peaceful times.

　On the other hand, my mother gradually became more depressed.

　But I didn’t ask about it.

　I didn’t even want to hear it.

* * *

　I ended up spending Christmas with him.

　It was the first time I gave a present to someone other than my parents.

　I agonized over it a lot because I didn’t want to give something too expensive.

　Ideally, I wanted it to be something he could use regularly every day.

　But giving gloves or a scarf would be too obvious a declaration of my feelings and embarrassing.

　…But still, since I had the opportunity.

　I want him to be happy with my gift.

　Pass the entrance exam and leave this countryside together for Tokyo.

　I gave him a cell phone cleaner strap in the shape of an ema (votive tablet) with the words [Pass] written on it, hoping that he would understand my feelings.

　…Seeing his delighted face made me really happy.

　I didn’t have any expectations, but he gave me a really wonderful gift.

　A herbarium of gentian plant specimens.

　After returning home, I looked up the language of flowers.

　Besides the meaning of [Victory] that he told me, there were several other meanings.

　One of them caught my attention.

[ To love you in your sadness. ]

(TN: 悲しんでいるあなたを愛する, It implies offering support, care, and affection to someone when they are going through a difficult or sad time.)
　

　My face heated up, and my heart was filled with happiness.

　――As long as I’m with him, no matter what happens from now on, everything will be alright.

　I believed that.

*

“I’m sorry, Mirai. Give up on college.”

“…Huh? What do you mean?”

　On the day after finishing the entrance exams and approaching the graduation ceremony, my mother told me.

　I didn’t understand the meaning of those words.

“Mom, my friend was in financial trouble, I lent them money. I used up my savings and even took out a loan in my name… but I can’t contact that person anymore.”

“Why would you do something like that…?”

“When Mom was feeling down… it wasn’t your father or Mirai who helped me. It was only that friend. I was willing to do anything for him.”

　My mother said that in a reproachful tone, blaming me.

“You were supporting an affair partner, right?”

“An affair? Supporting?… Don’t phrase it like that. I was just helping a friend in need.”

　She said this without hiding her annoyance as she ruffled her bangs.

　I was dumbfounded… and all the emotions I had been holding back until now overflowed at once.

“I don’t know…! Why are you saying such things to me?! It’s all your fault! It has nothing to do with me. It’s your fault, so you should fix it Mom! I’m going to Tokyo University alone!”

“Ahh, shut up!”

　My mother shouted and slapped my cheek.

“All of this, it’s partly your fault! You were bullied in middle school, and even though you managed to get into a good high school, you were bullied again. Because of that, you had to transfer schools! I accompanied you because I thought it was for your sake. But I didn’t know there were so many malicious people in this countryside. If I had known, I wouldn’t have come here… No, in the first place, it would have been better if you hadn’t been bullied!”

　I had never seen such an angry expression on my mother before.

　Although I couldn’t understand what she was saying with her incoherent words… I could sense that my mother hated me.

　My mother took a deep breath and then smiled faintly as she said to me,

“But it’s okay. If you endure not going to university for one year and work with Mom, we can surely repay the money.”

“I’ve never worked before…”

“It’ll be fine because we’ll work together… I’m sorry, Mirai. Maybe I burdened too much on your future because you couldn’t go to college.”

　My mother said that and hugged me.

　No, at first, I did study because I wanted to be praised by my mother.

　But now, I want to pursue my own ambitions…

“You don’t have to try so hard to be a good child anymore.”

　She said.

　My mother gently denied all the efforts I had made.

“A friend of mine, who used to be my boss, offered to help with the debt issue. He said they could introduce a highly-paid job. And if it’s Mom and you, they’ll pay much better than the market rate.”

” …What kind of job?”

　I’m not a child who doesn’t know anything.

　Somehow――I had a sense of what kind of job it was.

“――Err――you know, how do I say it――he said that he would introduce me to any job that I liked. He said it’s good because Mirai is beautiful, just like Mother.”

　Mom’s words reached my ears firmly, but my mind refused to understand.

“…I… I don’t want that.”

　Upon hearing those words, Mom slapped my cheek again.

“Don’t be selfish! Please, make me think that giving birth to you was worth it… Don’t make Mom suffer anymore…”

　――I see.

　I won’t be able to meet the beautiful and kind mom I loved ever again.

　Once Dad knows about this, he won’t be able to love Mom the same way as before.

　Not only that, I’m sure――

　――He won’t be able to forgive me for not telling him about her affair.

“I understand.”

　That’s all I could say.

“Thank you. He said as soon as you graduate high school. How about we go greet him together right after the graduation ceremony the day after tomorrow?”

　The words of the joyful woman in front of me didn’t register in my mind at all.

“Thank you, Mirai… Mom love you.”

　I don’t care anymore. ――Let’s die.

　That day, I wrote a suicide note.

　Once I decided to die, my mind became clear. I no longer felt any anxiety or unpleasantness, and I slept soundly that night.

　From then on, I went to school early in the morning and kept looking up at the sky from the rooftop.

　I recalled the day when I first talked to him on this rooftop.

[ When you decide to die, I’ll die with you. ]

　I know he will keep his promise.

　I thought this promise would be a brake on my suicidal thoughts.

　But I was wrong.

　The man I love, he would die with me while I could still be beautiful.

　Considering all the pain I had endured――it would be the last reward.

　With such a wonderful reward, I won’t be hit by the whip, right?

(tn: Punishment)

* * *

“That’s why I didn’t want you to know… I didn’t want you to think I was a terrible woman! But it’s terrible. Why did you have to see that…?”

　Natsuki said, her face soaked in tears.

　I already knew the content of her monologue to some extent from the suicide note I held in my hand.

　But hearing the story directly from her mouth made me realize that I didn’t fully understand her well enough.

“Natsuki did nothing wrong. I don’t think you’re a terrible woman.”

“Don’t lie! If I were a better girl, I wouldn’t have been bullied and transferred schools! If I had immediately told Dad when I found out about Mom’s affair, things wouldn’t have turned out like this!”

　Natsuki immediately denied my words.

“Even though that happened… Because I met you, I thought it was good that I transferred here. Even though it was my fault that Dad and Mom became unhappy… even so, I thought it was good that I met you here…”

　Natsuki stared at me and murmured with anguish.

“Surely, I’m a terrible woman who can’t make anyone happy… “

　Despair, resignation, and derision appeared on Natsuki’s face.

　The accumulated pain and agony so far…irreparably shattered Natsuki’s heart.

“Hey, please. Will you die with me here? Otherwise, for me――”

　――Otherwise, there is no salvation for her.

　Her desperate whisper reached my ears.

　I hugged her tightly with both arms and told her.

“I think I was still too pretentious about myself.”

　Iori encouraged me, and I realized that not everything I did was wrong.

　Unconsciously, I seemed to have misunderstood.

“I came here boasting inside myself that I could save Natsuki’s heart. But in the end, I didn’t really understand Natsuki, and the salvation you were seeking was different from the salvation I wanted to give you.”

　Saying that one should live no matter how difficult it is, it’s easy to speak beautiful-empty words.

　But will Natsuki be saved by that? No, her heart won’t be saved by such things.

　She believes that the only salvation is to die here with me.

　And I cannot give her any further salvation.

　I don’t have the financial means to repay the debt created by her mother right now.

　Restoring her family relationships is something no one can do.

　What I can do now is not to push her forward so she can walk ahead.

　All I can do is to fall into the abyss together with her, that’s all.

“It’s a promise, right?”

　Natsuki stopped crying at my words.

　At that moment, while still holding her, I stood up.

“You’ll only be scared if you look down. So, at least for the last time, look only at me.”

　I said to Natsuki.

　She seemed a little embarrassed and murmured, [Okay.] nodding her head.

　I’m sorry――I couldn’t save Natsuki as amazing as the protagonist of a story.

Thank you… Akira. I have been saved enough.”

　Saying so, she gave me a gentle kiss on the cheek.

　From that moment on, I tightly embraced her, never letting go――

　――Then we jumped off the roof together.