I Went Back to Being a High School Student Again, but I Was Rejected by My Childhood Friend, Whom I Thought Was In Love With Me, So I tried to Suicide With the Most Beautiful Girl In the School. - Chapter 38

No more regret

　An impact struck my whole body.

　Air from my lungs rushed out of my mouth.

　I’m writhing in pain… but my consciousness is still clear.

“Why… am I alive?”

　A weak, trembling voice reached my ears.

　Natsuki is alive.

　After feeling relieved, I remember coming all the way here with Iori and the others.

* * *

　At an observation deck that overlooks this rural town, I turned to Iori and said.

“Please help us.”

“Okay, leave it to me…uh, us?”

　Iori tilted her head at my words.

“Natsuki’s going to die.”

“…but why? “

　With an anxious expression, Iori asked me.

“It’s because of the bullying she experienced and… her family situation.”

“Is it because… Towa’s fault? “

“That’s part of it, Iori definitely pushed her over the edge, I did the same. Many people left her alone and cornered her.”

“Did Natsuki only tell Akki the reason about it?”

　Natsuki would never tell me. However, I know.

“It started when I was depressed after being rejected by Koyoi, I tried to die, but I couldn’t die alone. So, I made a promise to Natsuki, who seemed to want to die. When she decides to die, I’ll die with her.”

“So… Akki received a message from her that she wants to die?”

　I nodded.

“I have a reason I can’t die, and I want Natsuki to live too.”

　Once again, I said to Iori.

“That’s why, Iori, please help me and Natsuki.”

　She nodded firmly and looked straight at me.

“Okay, I understand… What should Towa do?”

* * *

　After I left Iori, I visited Natsuki’s house.

“Hello.”

“Oh, it’s you… Mirai’s boyfriend, right?”

　When I rang the doorbell, Natsuki’s mother, looking haggard, came out.

　I was surprised at her ageless beauty when I saw her before, but now she looks older.

“That child isn’t here. She seems to have gone out since morning.”

　Nonchalantly, she said.

　She, who drove Natsuki to the edge herself, spoke as if it were someone else’s problem… anger welled up inside me.

　But I suppressed that anger and forcefully maintained a calm attitude.

“I know. She asked me to bring something from her room. Can I go upstairs?”

　It was a nonsensical excuse, but even if she refused, I would forcefully enter her room.

“Sure… do as you please.”

　Natsuki’s mother let me into her room easily.

　I guess she doesn’t care about trivial things anymore.

　I open the desk drawer on Natsuki’s room. There was a suicide note in it.

　I opened the envelope and looked inside.

　It was almost the same as what I had read in my third life.

　I quickly left the room without even be bothered to return the opened drawer to its original position.

“Did you find what she asked for? “

　Natsuki’s mother looked at me and asked me if I had found what I had been looking for.

　I showed her, and she tilted her head and looked through the contents of the envelope.

“…What is this?”

　She murmured in astonishment.

“Natsuki intends to die today… Do you have any idea why?”

“No! It’s not my fault!”

　Upon hearing my words, she raised her voice.

　Then, she threw the suicide note she held onto the floor.

“I was a good wife and a caring mother! But when Mirai was bullied, we had to move to the countryside, and everything went wrong from there! I endured it for that child’s sake, I did my best, and I just wanted her to do the same, endure it and do her best for me! What’s wrong with that?!”

　Without even being asked anything, this woman kept defending herself endlessly.

　…if I killed her here, would Natsuki be saved?

　I seriously considered it, but unfortunately, it was too late now.

　Natsuki blamed herself for breaking her mother this far.

　That’s why she couldn’t bear it anymore.

　――Still, I wanted to kill her if I could.

　Natsuki chose to die because of her.

　Because of her, I couldn’t save Natsuki, and I had to repeat this life over and over…

“I’ve never seen someone as trashy as you before… “

　But now, my pity outweighed my hatred.

　Even if I killed her now, it’d only make her feel better.

“What you did was disgusting beyond words. The trigger was undoubtedly moving to this town and being rejected by the people around you. Maybe the people in this town are to blame. Maybe the scum of a man who took advantage of your weakness is the main culprit…”

“That’s right. It’s not my fault, I’m just a victim. Why can’t that child understand――”

“…But what pushed Natsuki to the edge was undoubtedly you.”

　Upon hearing my words, the woman in front of me squatted down, scratching her hair, and muttered, [No…wrong…].

“No matter what you do, you can never go back to being her mother.”

　Even if my words didn’t reach her, I continued.

“If there is even a tiny bit of humanity left in you――help me save Natsuki.”

　After saying this, I pick up Natsuki’s will and stand up.

　Anyway, she probably had no intention of saving Natsuki.

　Thinking that, I was about to leave the room when I heard the following words――

“What should I do….? “

　She said, clinging to me with a deeply exhausted expression.

* * *

　When I arrive at the school, I call the person whom I have registered as my contact.

　After a few rings, he picked up the phone.

[Hello, this is Atsuta.]

“Sorry for calling on a holiday, it’s Gen’no.”

[Ah, Gen’no… What’s wrong? Did something happen?]

　Upon hearing my name, Atsuta-sensei asked me with an anxious tone.

　He must have thought it was a big deal since a student suddenly called him on holiday.

“Yes. There’s something I find difficult to discuss over the phone. Can you come to the school so we can talk in person?”

[Okay, should I go there now?]

　Hearing my words, Atsuta-sensei responded immediately without hesitation.

　My lips unintentionally formed a smile.

“Yes, please. Thank you.”

　After I hung up the call, I waited for Atsuta-sensei’s arrival.

* * *

　There were four of us in the student guidance room: Atsuta-sensei, Izumi, Natsuki’s mother, and I

　I handed Atsuta-sensei the letter Natsuki had written and explained the situation.

“――What is written here, is it true?”

　Atsuta-sensei muttered, unable to hide his agitation without asking anyone in particular.

“Towa was bullying her.”

　Iori said, and Natsuki’s mother nodded silently.

“What a situation…”

　Atsuta-sensei said and then directed a contemptuous gaze at Natsuki’s mother.

　Then, Natsuki sent me two e-mails in quick succession.

“Natsuki is about to jump off the rooftop of this school.”

　After saying so, I showed the received e-mails to the three of them.

　Iori’s face turns pale.

　Natsuki’s mother sobbed and crouched down without saying a word while Atsuta-sensei held his head in his hands.

“Natsuki no longer trusts anyone except me. In order not to provoke her unnecessarily, I will persuade her alone. In the meantime, the three of you, please lay out whatever cushions you can at the places I tell you to lay out, just in case. If she jumps…I’ll aim for that spot.”

　After hearing my words, Atsuta-sensei pondered for a moment before speaking.

“Three people are not enough. Can I call for backup? “

　Upon hearing Atsuta-sensei’s words, I shook my head and replied.

“She seriously wants to die. If we prepare with a large group and she realizes it, she’ll jump right away. That’s why I want only those who are willing to desperately help her for her sake to take action.”

” …I get it. I don’t want to think about what will happen if Gen’no fails, but let’s bring the mats from the equipment storage room and lay them out.”

　After nodding to Atsuta-sensei’s words, I explained to him where we should put the mats.

“I’m sorry for causing trouble.”

　If I fail here… Atsuta-sensei may face some consequences as well.

　Taking advantage of his goodwill, I got him involved.

“Gen’no, if you really jump… I will definitely catch you.”

　With a serious expression on his face, Atsuta-sensei said.

“Please don’t jinx it, because it’s scary… but I’ll accept that sentiment.”

* * *

“Why… am I alive?”

　Natsuki, whom I had held in my arms since we jumped, was now alive and well.

　I felt relieved.

　――At the same time, I genuinely felt sorry that I couldn’t let her die.

　Natsuki got up and looked around with an expression that seemed to express she didn’t understand what had happened.

　At that moment, a girl clung to Natsuki.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”

　While crying, Iori continued to apologize, and Natsuki just stared at her in a daze.

　Then she looks around.

　In the distance, Natsuki’s mother repeatedly muttered, [Please forgive me.].

　Atsuta-sensei was surprised that Natsuki had really jumped off the roof. Relieved to confirm her safety, he stood there in a daze.

　Even though I failed to persuade her and she jumped, both Natsuki and I were still alive. I should be more happy.

　I couldn’t help but laugh at the irony of the situation.

　Even though we survived this――this place where we fell from the rooftop feels like hell for her.

“Natsuki is still alive because of the bully who tormented you, the teacher who couldn’t realize the bullying happened and did nothing, the mother who made you decide to commit suicide, and me, the one who encouraged you to commit suicide. I didn’t want you to die. That’s why I worked so hard to make sure you survive.”

　Natsuki looked confused, and I said to her,

“Your beloved father is preparing for tomorrow’s work in Tokyo and is peacefully asleep. And as usual, the rest of your classmates and teachers ignore you because they don’t care whether you die or not.”

　Natsuki showed a blank expression as she listened to my words.

“It’s so bad to the point that all you can do is laugh.”

“It’s not funny…”

　I honestly couldn’t understand what Natsuki was feeling right now.

　That’s why I…

　I selfishly vent my emotions towards her.

“I want you to get angry. Spit at your worthless excuse for a mother who always defends herself, your useless father who just works without noticing anything, flip off everything in this world that you don’t like, and scream [Everyone except me, die.].”

　I can’t contain my frustration.　

　No one tried to help Natsuki in this shitty world.

　To Natsuki, who chose to die in such a shitty world, without asking for help.

“――I’m sorry, Natsuki, but after all this time, I still can’t save you.”

　And most of all, to the useless me, who can’t even save a single girl.

“Even if there is nothing good in your life, even if you are struggling with your daily unfulfilled feelings, suffering, despairing to the point of death, and don’t know the meaning of your life anymore. Because you’re a good person, I don’t want you to be saved by dying――I want you to live for me.”

　My mind is a mess, and I don’t know if my words are reaching her properly.

　Nevertheless, I told Natsuki all my thoughts.

“You want me to live for you… Then, Akira, what are you going to do for me while I struggle to live in pain?”

　Natsuki asked me with a blank expression on her face.

“There’s not much I can do for you. The most I can do is lend you a hand and help you get back up when you stumble and fall.

　Natsuki covered her ears with both hands after hearing my words.

“Shut up… stop talking nonsense! “

　Natsuki shakes Iori off and glares at me.

“Even with that, my despair won’t change…! It’s not fair that you still want me to live. That won’t make me feel rewarded, it would be much better if I died!”

　Natsuki pushes me down and straddles me as I lie on the ground.

“Even though it’s better… If the person I love does something like this and then asks me to live. How can I die… “

　Tears overflow from the corners of Natsuki’s eyes and wet my cheeks.

“If Akira doesn’t give me any salvation, then at least――Say that you love me.”

　She pleaded to me as if seeking salvation.

　At this point, I have no intention of whispering empty and hollow words.

“Ten years is too long, you silly girl.”

　After saying that, I wiped away the single tear trailing down her cheek with my fingertip.

　――Ah, yes. That’s right.

　I had forgotten.

　I simply wanted to wipe away her tears like this.

　The moment I realized that… my consciousness began to fade.

　I somehow understood.

　I guess this is the end of my role.

　It’s certainly regrettable that I couldn’t completely save her until the end of this hellish repetition.

　But I have no more regrets.

　Natsuki will live, and I am sure that she will overcome the difficulties that lie ahead in the future.

　Because now, there are people who are trying hard to keep her alive, even if there are only a few of them.

[When you decide to die, I’ll die with you.]

　In the end, I couldn’t keep that promise. I’m sorry.

　But deep down, I genuinely believe that this is for the best.

“Goodbye――”

　Even though I had just wiped away her tears.

　Facing Natsuki, whose face was already soaked in tears, I uttered only one last word.

　――Soon after that, I lost consciousness.

TN: Not sure about the ten years thing, １０年はえーよ、バカ女. Maybe implying after spending ten years repeating his life, she finally decided to stop dying.