I Will Inspire Your Insipid Days - Volume 1 Chapter 4.3

Part 1 “Performing”

Life goes on unchanged, yet the days pass by. Unable to find a solution to the current situation, I glance at Natsume-san lying on the bed. It’s a familiar sight by now. She’s sprawled out like a starfish stuck to the seafloor, completely limp.

“…This feels oddly familiar.”

Wondering if she forgot to eat again, I gently tap her shoulder.

“Ugh…”

A muffled groan escapes her. Oh, just a small break then.

“…Where have you been?”

Responding to Natsume-san’s voice, barely shaping contours, I answer succinctly.

“Out for groceries.”

“What did you buy?”

“Tea and coffee.”

“Why those again? My brain’s not working right now.”

“You’ll see later.”

Looking around the room after placing my school bag down, I notice it’s more cluttered than this morning. There are more scraps from the sketchbook. Or rather, Komachi-san was supposed to have visited this room earlier, wasn’t she? Maybe she was welcomed into this mess? She must have been…

“Were you pushing yourself too hard drawing?”

“…Talking with Komachi tired me out.”

“Ah… your impression of her changed quite a bit, didn’t it?”

Looking at Natsume-san, utterly exhausted to the point that it almost feels contagious, gives me a pretty good idea of what kind of interaction they had. Well, I can’t know for sure. I can imagine what Komachi-san said, but not how Natsume-san responded.

“Komachi-san said she’s got rid of her worries. She was probably always the type to speak her mind. She said something along those lines herself.”

“…Really? I didn’t get that impression.”

“If your impression hasn’t changed, then even the last time you talked with Komachi-san you were tired… you realize that, right?”

“That’s what I’m saying. I’m tired. It’s tiring precisely because I can understand her. I need to match her logical talk with the same level of engagement. So yeah, it’s tiring… not that I dislike it, but it’s exhausting.”

How many times is she going to say “tiring”?

“So, by that logic, talking with me doesn’t tire Natsume-san out, which means I’m not a logical person…”

“Yonon, before logic or emotion, you don’t really listen seriously to what others are saying, do you?”

“Could you not hit me with a verbal hammer out of nowhere?”

What kind of assessment is that?

I mean, I thought I was seriously taking in Komachi-san’s consultation…

“It’s comfortable because you let everything slide.”

“Did you think I was a cold-hearted person?”

Natsume-san suddenly lifts her face, buried in the bed, to look at me.

“Not cold-hearted. At least, not to me.”

Without giving me room to interject, she continued speaking.

“Yonon doesn’t assert himself. Not asserting means not demanding anything from anyone, right? And I take people’s assertions head-on. That’s why I get tired of interpersonal relationships. I don’t understand the nuances of jokes, exaggerations, metaphors, and such. But in conversations with Yonon, I don’t need to worry about those finer details.”

“I do make metaphors, you know.”

“It’s a matter of degree. You know how sometimes people say “I don’t get it” using incomprehensible things as examples? Don’t you think it’s like, don’t explain something unclear with something else unclear?”

“I haven’t really encountered such situations… I grew up without much interaction with others.”

“Ah, that’s why. Goodnight.”

“Don’t just come to a conclusion and cover yourself with the blanket after leaving some profound statement!”

As I raise my voice, Natsume-san looks at me with half-open eyes.

“Just stay as you are, Yonon.”

…I don’t understand.

Unable to comprehend and about to ask back almost parrot-like,

“If not, I won’t be able to draw you.”

Stopping me in my tracks with such a statement, I couldn’t continue.

Unable to draw?

What does that mean?

There must be some significant trigger for her, but I doubt I’d get a satisfying answer even if I asked.

“Ah, right, there was something I wanted you to see.”

Pointing with just a finger from under the blanket, Natsume-san indicated her desk.

“I made what I could of the stage concept. Now, really, goodnight.”

What sat there was a pile of drawing papers. A pile… rather, a mountain of papers piled up like used tissues. Is she asking me to go through all of this?

Picking up one sheet, it seemed to depict symbols resembling humans placed on a rectangular form. Is this… a stage?

Grabbing another sheet, the same rectangular form and human-like symbols. No difference between the two drawings.

Really, what is this?

“…What am I supposed to check?”

No response.

I wasn’t asking for a detailed explanation. Just some kind of supplementary comment in her usual opaque way would have sufficed.

But—that was no longer possible.

“I’m… not the person Natsume-san thinks I am. I can’t meet her expectations…”

A dark emotion that sprouted in the corner of my mind began to erode my thoughts.

I couldn’t refuse. I’ve never refused anything in life.

Live for the sake of the family, become a substitute for my sister. Live a high school life in drag.

Despite feeling dissatisfaction and injustice, I ultimately accepted it.

Is this the consequence of such a life?

“Why?”

Rustling fabric.

Looking back, Natsume-san, who was supposed to be on the floor just before, was sitting up, looking at me.

With a puzzled expression, she asked again.

“Why?”

And continued,

“Why does it turn out like this?”

The stream of question marks doesn’t cease.

“Hey, why?”

“From the moment we can’t share the same view, Natsume-san, it’s impossible for me to act as you think.”

“Where did it go wrong?”

“If it went wrong, it was from the beginning. Probably everything was a mistake from the start when you expected something from me, who has nothing.”

“Me? Why?”

Natsume-san twisted her expression, scratching her head.

“Ugh… Ugh…!”

“Hey, what are you doing?”

Crouching and groaning, I try to reach out to her, but she shrugs me off.

“Ughhhhh!”

“Calm down, please!”

“Why! It doesn’t make sense! I thought I could make you into a paintbrush! I thought, with Yonon, I could do it! I thought I could draw with Yonon, but why can’t I?!”

“Calm down! Let’s sort this out and talk!”

“You could do it, Yonon!”

“What do you want from me?!”

“…Why? Yonon could do it, you could become a paintbrush, so why aren’t you becoming one? I don’t understand why not! If it’s possible, we should just do it!”

I soothe her back, trying to calm her down. Eventually, with precarious breathing, “Huu… huu…” she slumps onto the bed.

“…Natsume-san?”

No response.

“Natsume-san, let’s talk calmly?”

“Not now… can’t.”

“Okay.”

“What went wrong, I don’t know. I don’t understand what I don’t understand unless you tell me. Whether I can understand that or not, I don’t know.”

“…Sorry.”

Apologizing one last time.

After saying that, I quietly step away.

Looking back, wondering whether to speak up, and eventually leaving the room in silence.