If You Wish to Have Me - Chapter 129

“…….”

Even at that passionate love confession, Kisa remained silent.

Unlike Seyard, who seemed more emotionally heightened than ever, there was no warmth in Kisa’s heart—if anything, it felt cold.

‘Is this his love?’

She had been trying to understand his words from earlier, but she simply couldn’t follow them.

Where had gone that overwhelming flutter and joy she had felt when she first heard his confession months ago?

Kisa was shocked by the fact that his words of love sounded so much like someone else’s story.

“Then why… why did you tell me such lies back then? It would have been better if you had just honestly told me from the beginning what you thought true love was.”

If he had, she might have found the courage to check the secret room much earlier.

“I can only apologize for that.”

A slight shadow crossed Seyard’s previously bright face.

“To tell you the truth, it was to stimulate your rebellious spirit.”

“Rebellious spirit?”

“People naturally want to do more of what they’re told not to do. Just like in that opera, when the heroine was told by the lord not to try to learn about him, she burned with even more curiosity than before.”

“……What did you say?”

Just for something like that? Kisa was about to argue, but in the next moment, she had to close her mouth.

“I’m truly sorry. In my desire for you to become curious about me as quickly as possible, I committed a discourtesy.”

Because Seyard had extended his arms toward her and instantly trapped Kisa in his embrace.

“But I promise you now. I will no longer deceive you.”

His voice, sounding earnest, rang out right beside her.

“Now that I’ve revealed everything, there’s no longer any reason to lie.”

“Seyard…….”

Naturally, his embrace was as solid and warm as always.

At that familiar sensation, not knowing what to do, Kisa stood still.

She couldn’t wrap her arms around his back as before, nor could she struggle to escape from his embrace.

‘Ah, I see.’

Then she suddenly realized why she couldn’t accept with her heart the love he spoke of.

‘There’s no me in this person’s love.’

He says he loves her, confesses passionately, yet has no hesitation in deceiving her and telling lies.

Even the countless apologies she had heard since earlier somehow didn’t reach Kisa’s heart.

Even though Seyard’s expression, attitude, and manner of speaking were nothing short of perfect.

‘No, rather it feels like the performance of a skilled actor.’

Moreover, by deceiving Kisa in this way, he had tried to induce certain behaviors from her, and most of them had probably actually succeeded.

A natural ruler. The impression Kisa sometimes felt when looking at him had proven exactly right.

The only part she hadn’t anticipated was that he was someone who sought to dominate even the person who would be his lover and future spouse.

‘Can this really be called love?’

Though she didn’t know much about love, it was far from the love Kisa knew.

But being intelligent, he confidently called this love.

She didn’t know. She didn’t know anything at all.

“I don’t know.”

In the confusion where she couldn’t see an inch ahead, Kisa spoke her feelings without reservation.

“Seyard, I can’t tell whether your love is true love.”

The man who heard those words tightened his arms around Kisa as if to give her certainty.

“It’s alright, Kisa. You must be troubled in many ways, having just learned the truth, but soon you too will feel it. My love.”

“……Will I really?”

“Of course. I will make an effort.”

Seyard patted Kisa’s back with his right hand as he spoke.

“For now, let’s just think about how I love you and you love me.”

Kisa neither particularly affirmed nor denied his words.

She only felt the terrible fatigue that even last night’s sleeping pills couldn’t erase.

****

That day, after the conversation in the study ended, Kisa hurried back to the Count Vansfelt estate.

Then, with the excuse of not wanting to disturb him while he was busy with family matters, she didn’t visit the Hillan mansion for several days.

She couldn’t figure out what face to show him, nor did she know whether she should treat him as Vischer or as Seyard.

While Kisa stayed holed up at home with such worries, the world continued to turn busily.

“My goodness, how frightening! Miss, look at this. A spy, they say. A spy!”

The nanny who spoke thus handed over a newspaper that prominently featured an article about someone who had recently been caught by the royal family while conducting espionage activities.

Though she wasn’t in the mood, thinking it wasn’t good to be absorbed in one thought all day, Kisa lightly skimmed the article.

The perpetrator had apparently been caught while attempting to infiltrate the royal administration under Jackeu’s orders, fortunately before any secrets could be passed to Jackeu.

Looking at it, while the nature of the incident was serious, this case had attracted public attention because of the perpetrator’s status.

“I just don’t understand! Why would someone who’s a noble do such a thing?”

Returning the newspaper to the nanny who was huffing with displeasure, Kisa answered in a lifeless voice.

“Well, there are many people in the world who act based on ideology and such. Social status isn’t really the issue.”

“Hmm… couldn’t it be something like this? Maybe it’s someone who’s only a noble in name because their family fell into ruin long ago. Then they’d be short of money, wouldn’t they?”

“That’s probably not it.”

“Why not?”

“Look at the article carefully. While it covers other things in detail, there’s not even a fingernail’s worth of information that could identify the perpetrator. Nine times out of ten, it’s to protect the honor of the family the perpetrator belongs to.”

There must have been a secret agreement between the royal family and the relevant family before this incident was made public.

“They probably negotiated something like this: keep the perpetrator’s identity confidential, and in return, the family cleanly abandons the perpetrator.”

After hearing Kisa’s words, the nanny almost buried her head in the newspaper and examined the article once more.

“Oh, it’s true! Just as you said, miss, strangely there’s no information about that spy except that they’re of noble birth. The amount of reward money the informant received is written out in detail though.”

Incidentally, the quick capture of the perpetrator was thanks to a tip from an acquaintance.

When the investigation net was closing in, the perpetrator had sought refuge with someone they usually knew, and that person immediately reported the perpetrator’s whereabouts to the authorities.

The article ended by praising the informant’s thorough patriotism and moral sense, and urging readers to report suspicious individuals without hesitation.

‘That’s quite something……’

If they went to this person in a moment of crisis, the informant must have been very close to the perpetrator.

Since there’s no mention of going to their own home, the informant must have been more than family to the perpetrator.

Yet with very swift judgment, they had cut off that connection and chosen their own safety.

Moreover, they had obtained a substantial reward that would be enough to start a second life even at middle-class level.

Perhaps concerned that revealing the informant would also reveal the perpetrator, the media kept the informant’s identity thoroughly secret, so there was no risk of getting involved in troublesome affairs unnecessarily because of money.

‘If I had such good judgment, maybe I wouldn’t be worrying like this now.’

The red-haired man came to mind in Kisa’s sighing thoughts.

This wouldn’t do. Though she had tried not to think about him, he kept reviving to dominate her thoughts.

Just as she was shaking her head and trying to shake him off, the nanny spoke to Kisa again.

“How smart you are, miss.”

“……What? What’s with the sudden compliment?”

Though it helped her turn her attention elsewhere, Kisa felt slightly awkward.

Smart? That was a compliment that had no connection to her.

She had never shown particular distinction in academics from before, and had lived following others’ will rather than thinking for herself.

Such a person couldn’t be smart.

However, the nanny smiled cheerfully and didn’t back down from her assertion.

“Just now you looked at the newspaper and grasped even the parts that weren’t revealed. I had no idea at all. It’s proof that your mind is very sharp.”

“Don’t go that far… it’s nothing special.”

“Oh, have confidence. What I’ve realized as I’ve gotten older is that people continue to discover new aspects of themselves even after they’re fully grown. Besides, miss, you’ve been diligently reading difficult books lately.”

That was just dabbling in a few philosophy books under Seyard’s influence.

Kisa was about to deny the nanny’s words again, but the sound of knocking interrupted her.

“Come in.”

Soon, the maid who entered the room with Kisa’s permission reported with a flushed face.

“Miss! Please come out quickly!”

“What’s the matter?”

“Duke Hillan has come to visit! With mountains of flowers! It’s so romantic. You’ll surely like it when you see it, miss. Please go to the first floor quickly.”

At the maid’s words, the nanny also smiled and said.

“He said he was busy, but he must have found time now.”

But unlike those two, Kisa’s face hardened.

Since she hadn’t been visiting the Hillan mansion, Seyard had come to her.