If You Wish to Have Me - Chapter 71-80

Chap 71

Daniel, the One Who Doesn’t Know How to Give Up

Shocked, Kisa stood up abruptly and shouted at Daniel.

“You! What are you doing? Don’t tell me you’re the person who jumped in front of the carriage?”

Daniel answered by pulling up one corner of his mouth even more.

“Are you crazy? What if you had died? Do you know how dangerous that was?”

“Wow, Kisa. Are you worried about a man who’s not even your fiancé? Nice, it’s been a while since I’ve received your concern.”

“No, is that what you should be saying right now?”

“Is there any reason I shouldn’t? I’m perfectly fine now anyway. That’s all that matters.”

With those words, Daniel leaned back comfortably against the backrest.

It was truly an absurd act.

Despite knowing full well that a significant number of people get injured and die in carriage accidents every year, he was acting as if he had multiple lives.

Kisa looked at the man who had become even more shameless and said firmly.

“Get out of my carriage right now.”

“I refuse.”

“Don’t you know this is clearly a crime? Should I call the police right now?”

“Go ahead and call them. But while the capital’s notoriously slow police are on their way here, you’ll have to listen to what I have to say.”

“You jumped in front of a carriage just to have a conversation?”

“Yes, what other choice did I have? You won’t meet me and you don’t reply to my letters.”

“Then stop meddling in my affairs. I’m someone else’s fiancée now. I have no obligation to deal with you.”

“…….”

Daniel stared at Kisa with a gaze that somehow seemed more subdued than before.

“Well said. This is about your fiancé. There, doesn’t that suddenly make you want to hear what I have to say?”

“If you’re planning to slander Seyard again like last time, don’t bother. I’ve already decided to trust him.”

“What makes you trust him so much?”

“The time I’ve spent with him so far.”

“How laughable. You’ve only known him for barely four months.”

With a snicker and a contemptuous smile, he narrowed his eyes.

“Just sit down first. This is different from last time. I’ve found another suspicious circumstance regarding your fiancé.”

“……Forget it. I don’t believe you.”

“Hmm? What’s with that subtle pause before your answer?”

“What are you talking about? There was no such thing.”

Seemingly ignoring Kisa’s words, Daniel’s eyes curved into an arc.

“I understand. You must have felt something odd while being with that guy all this time. See? What did I tell you?”

“Don’t jump to conclusions! To begin with, you don’t know anything about him-“

Just as Kisa was about to snap back, a third person’s voice was heard from a short distance away.

“Um, miss.”

The coachman, who was now standing at the carriage door, looked back and forth between Kisa and Daniel with anxious eyes.

“What….what should I do? Should I call the police? Or will you be leaving with Young Master Daniel?”

The servant, who had worked for the Vansfelt family for many years, seemed confused about whether to regard Daniel, who had frequently visited the mansion, as an intruder or as Kisa’s guest.

“And we can’t keep stopping in the middle of the road like this. I need you to decide whether we should continue or park the carriage somewhere else.”

Even though the question wasn’t directed at him, Daniel promptly answered the coachman’s query.

“Then just park it somewhere nearby. I don’t mind talking inside here.”

“You, really……”

“Come on, Kisa. You can decide whether to report me or not after hearing what I have to say first. Be honest. Don’t you want to know more about your fiancé?”

Kisa fell into a moment of contemplation.

Today, she had simply left home because she was bored and wanted to visit the Duke of Hillan’s mansion for fun.

In other words, since she had no appointment with Seyard, he wouldn’t be waiting for her even if she arrived a bit late.

‘I don’t believe a word Daniel says.’

Seyard was the person she trusted.

However, she needed to understand Daniel’s intentions.

If the information he claimed to have found was negative gossip about Seyard, like last time, Kisa could hear it first and give Seyard a heads-up.

If so, it might be possible to prevent anything that could harm his future.

Telling herself that this was for Seyard’s sake, Kisa convinced herself and sat down.

“I’ll hold off on calling the police for now. And park the carriage anywhere suitable.”

Seeing Kisa giving instructions to the coachman, Daniel’s lips twitched.

“Don’t misunderstand. I’m only listening because you’d keep bothering me if I refused.”

“Yes, yes, how could it be otherwise?”

While Kisa frowned at her former fiancé’s deliberately casual attitude, the coachman returned to his seat and set the carriage in motion again.

Daniel stretched as if his body was stiff, then rubbed his shoulder.

“I heard your engagement ceremony at the Duke of Hillan’s mansion was quite splendid. That must have been nice?”

It was a question that seemed casually thrown out but had a sharp barb clearly felt in it.

“I don’t think you stopped the carriage just to talk about my engagement ceremony?”

“Why are you so uptight with me? I heard you disappeared alone with him before the engagement reception even ended? Was that so good?”

Kisa was momentarily speechless from the sheer absurdity.

“So where did you two go alone? What exactly did you do?”

“Daniel Lowens, get a grip. Why are you making such a fuss as if I’ve been having an affair? You were the one who maintained such an intimate relationship with another woman that it caused misunderstandings while we were still engaged.”

She couldn’t understand why he was looking at her with hurt eyes as if he had been betrayed.

“Yes, I admit that I wronged you. But cutting off ten years of our time together all at once was too harsh. Think about how long we’ve known each other.”

Kisa’s eyes filled with contempt as she looked at the man who was whining like a child.

“Enough. I was a fool to believe you. So your story was all lies. Coachman! Stop the carriage and call the police-“

“Okay, okay! I’ll get straight to the point!”

Daniel barely managed to stop Kisa as she was about to stick her head out the window and give new instructions to the coachman.

He gave Kisa a dissatisfied glance and finally brought up the main point.

“The witness has disappeared.”

“Witness?”

“The guy I kept sending you letters about, asking you to meet him, but you consistently ignored.”

“Ah, the man from Bonzmos?”

Daniel had rushed to Kisa and rambled on about how Seyard had been a thug who habitually frequented gambling dens in the past and had a woman, based on that person’s story.

“After confirming with him directly, he said that was a malicious exaggeration. It’s true that he visited gambling dens a few times, but he didn’t do anything else that would label him a thug, and he certainly didn’t date any woman.”

“What? You believe that? No, more importantly, did you tell him everything I told you?”

Daniel asked with a grimace, and Kisa frankly admitted.

“Yes, I told him.”

“Damn it… So that’s what happened. That’s why that man disappeared.”

“Why did he disappear?”

“Why do you think? Because you told on him, and that guy took care of it.”

“Seyard? Don’t accuse an innocent person without evidence.”

“If it wasn’t him, why would someone who went to work perfectly fine every day suddenly vanish overnight? Not a single person around him heard even a simple word about his departure.”

And, he continued.

“I’ve also checked with the police headquarters, and as far as they know, he doesn’t seem to have been involved in any incident.”

“Then it’s probably nothing. Maybe he just suddenly wanted to travel and left on a whim?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. How many people travel like that? Besides, I had promised him a large sum of money. On the condition that he would tell you the same story he told me.”

“……You really went to great lengths.”

“That’s how desperate I was to save you from that guy’s clutches. Anyway, would he just take off on a trip when he didn’t even know when I would arrange a meeting with you? Abandoning a fortune that would take a lifetime for an ordinary working-class citizen to save up?”

After a moment of silence, Kisa soon spoke up.

“So is that all you wanted to tell me?”

She was thinking that if that was everything, she would tell him she understood and ask him to get off now, but Daniel shook his head.

“This is just the introduction. The introduction explaining why I went to Bonzmos.”

“You went to Bonzmos yourself?”

“Yes, and because of that, I had to leave the capital for quite some time.”

Come to think of it, around the time of Kisa’s engagement, Daniel hadn’t tried to approach her for quite a while, and his letters had suddenly stopped.

Kisa had been happy thinking that the leech-like man had finally given up, but now it seemed she had been completely wrong.

“I wanted to find a new witness and investigate your fiancé’s past myself.”

“I don’t understand why you’re so obsessed with Seyard. Why don’t you just live your own life? That’s what your family would want too.”

“Enough of that, just listen. I encountered a rather interesting situation in Bonzmos.”

With a sardonic smile on his lips, Daniel lowered his voice and said.

“Bonzmos, that town. The entire town has completely taken Seyard Hillan’s side.”

“What?”

“I went around asking at gambling dens and everywhere else, but everyone only had good things to say about him, as if they were all following a script. When I asked if Seyard Hillan used to frequent gambling dens, they would noticeably panic and claim that never happened?”

His voice dropped even lower.

“Doesn’t that seem suspicious no matter how you look at it? According to you, he did actually visit gambling dens.”

 

Chap 72

Cracks in Peace

Kisa didn’t know how to respond and kept her mouth shut.

If what Daniel was saying was true, it was difficult to deny that it was quite suspicious.

But there was something bothering Kisa in the back of her mind.

Separate from her faith in Seyard, for some reason she was vaguely recalling something she had heard before.

‘What was it? What was it again?’

It seemed like something that had happened relatively recently.

As Kisa closed her eyes and tried to trace back her memories, she suddenly recalled something from a few days ago.

“Wait, could it be…”

Opening her eyes, Kisa carefully voiced her suspicion.

“Isn’t it because Duke Hillan recently donated a huge amount of development funds to Bonzmos?”

She had once accidentally overheard Seyard talking with Gilliam, and at that time, words like Bonzmos and development funds were mentioned.

Since she had only caught it in passing, it quickly faded from her mind, but as she thought about it now, the memory came back.

Yes, the two of them were definitely discussing how to support the Bonzmos region.

In response to Kisa’s question, Daniel answered sourly.

“Well, that’s what they say.”

“Then of course they’d only say good things! When a neighborhood develops, it benefits the residents in many ways, so why would they speak ill of someone who’s giving money? If the investment decision gets withdrawn, only the people of Bonzmos would suffer.”

Moreover, even without the development fund issue, most people were reluctant to gossip about high-status individuals.

“Especially in a small town, they would have noticed at a glance that you were an outsider, so it’s surprising they wouldn’t tell you about Duke Hillan’s past.”

Daniel clicked his tongue. “Tsk.”

“Do you have to be so critical? You’ve changed. You used to believe what others said at face value.”

He seemed to have detected Kisa’s subtle change. Kisa didn’t try to deny it.

“Yes, I’ve changed. I’m not the same person who used to just nod along to whatever you said.”

He implied that the past Kisa was more sincere and better, but in reality, he just meant she was easier to deceive and therefore more convenient.

He apparently didn’t realize that Kisa wasn’t actually without suspicion, but that she had chosen not to question him because she wanted to believe her fiancé’s words as much as possible.

“So it’s useless to try to cleverly hide the truth and elicit the response you want. How can you portray someone who is working in many ways to develop a town as a villain who’s covering up his corrupt past?”

“Do you really think Duke Hillan poured a massive amount of money into that remote town for purely altruistic purposes? It’s obviously a ploy to use money as bait to prevent people from talking about his past.”

Daniel snapped irritably, as if he couldn’t understand why she didn’t grasp this simple logic.

“How do you know that? He reportedly spent a lot of time in Bonzmos in the past. Is it so strange to want to develop a town full of memories?”

“Fine, let’s say that’s true. Then how do you explain the witness who suddenly disappeared?”

“I obviously don’t know. You seem to want to claim that Seyard did something to that person, but would he even need to?”

Unlike before, Kisa didn’t back down and voiced her thoughts.

“Of course he would. That person could testify about his past.”

“Really? From what you told me before, that person’s testimony wouldn’t be anything special. At most, it would just be rumors that circulated in Bonzmos and that he saw Seyard at a gambling house.”

While Daniel was too flustered to respond, Kisa expressed the doubt she had felt since first hearing about the person’s disappearance.

“Would he be the only one in Bonzmos who heard that rumor? Or would he be the only one who saw Seyard at the gambling house? Anyone could find plenty of people who could testify to that. Why would he go through the trouble of removing one person when it wouldn’t make much difference?”

“Kisa.”

“Above all, the man doesn’t have clear evidence, nor is the information he has damaging enough to Seyard to warrant Seyard secretly—”

“Alright, alright! That’s enough!”

Daniel snapped angrily and glared at Kisa.

“I see clearly now. How deeply you’ve fallen for that man, with your eyes and ears blocked, determined to believe him.”

“Aren’t you the one who blindly assumes Seyard is a bad person, which is why everything looks suspicious to you?”

“He is bad. If stealing another man’s fiancée doesn’t make someone bad, what does?”

“…So that’s why you’re so obsessed with Seyard and me.”

“What?”

“Daniel, your pride is hurt. Well, you’ve probably never faced a greater humiliation in your life. You always thought you were better than others, but now in society’s eyes, you’re the pitiful and inferior man who lost his fiancée to Duke Hillan.”

“Shut up.”

Though he bristled as if to deny it, he couldn’t hide his true feelings from Kisa.

It had been well over ten years. Years that Kisa had spent studying his expressions, listening to his words, and understanding his inner thoughts.

Daniel, who had never shown much interest in his fiancée, seemed not to know much about Kisa, but Kisa knew him all too well.

In some ways, she probably knew him better than the Marquis and Marchioness Lowens who had brought him into this world.

“Since we’ve known each other for a while, let me give you one piece of advice.”

Kisa spoke in a calm voice.

“Stop digging into Seyard’s past with the flimsy excuse of saving me, and live your own life, Daniel Lowens.”

“I told you to shut up.”

“There’s someone who genuinely cares about you. I mean Hazel Turdy.”

“Stop! Stop!”

Indeed, Hazel seemed to still be a sore spot for him, as Daniel showed the most agitated reaction he had displayed all day.

After taking a moment to breathe deeply and calm down, the man looked at Kisa and said quietly.

“It seems pointless to continue this conversation. I’ll visit again, and we can talk then.”

“Don’t come back. Even if you bring new information next time, I won’t listen.”

Daniel let out a soft sigh.

“Fine, let’s say you won’t listen to me. Well, you probably wouldn’t believe me anyway since I have no credibility with you. But what about someone you can trust?”

“Someone I can trust?”

As Kisa looked at him with puzzled eyes, he said triumphantly.

“The monks. Surely people who have devoted their entire lives to God wouldn’t lie?”

“Monks…”

“Yes, ask the monks at the monastery where he supposedly stayed. Find out what kind of person your fiancé really was.”

Kisa’s eyes widened at this unexpected suggestion.

After Daniel left, the carriage headed toward its original destination, the Duke of Hillan’s residence.

Kisa gazed at the setting sun outside the window, recalling what had happened recently.

It was about the day she learned that Seyard had donated development funds to Bonzmos.

That day, she had visited the Duke of Hillan’s residence for a dinner appointment with Seyard.

But even after finishing dinner and taking a walk with him, she somehow didn’t want to go straight home.

In truth, whenever she encountered Count Vansfelt while he was staying at the townhouse, he would subtly nag his daughter, making it uncomfortable for Kisa to be there.

Moreover, strangely enough, these days she found the Duke of Hillan’s residence more interesting than the place she had lived for half her life.

Perhaps it was because it was spacious and fun to explore.

Anyway, sensing Kisa’s reluctance to leave, Seyard invited her to have a cup of tea in his study before going home.

The reason for the location being his study, of all places, was because he had urgent work to attend to.

Thinking it would be an inconvenience to someone so busy, Kisa said she would just go home, but Seyard stopped her and asked.

[I’m getting bored just wrestling with these documents. Would you keep me company?]

In conclusion, it was a consideration to make Kisa feel more comfortable.

Watching him engage in complicated conversations with Gilliam while sipping her tea, Kisa began to doze off after only a few sips.

The satisfaction after a meal and the warm early summer weather naturally brought on a sweet drowsiness.

In the end, she failed to be a proper conversation partner for Seyard and fell into a deep sleep.

[Kisa, Kisa? It’s time for you to go.]

When he woke her up, Kisa, who had been sitting until she closed her eyes, was comfortably lying on the sofa.

Also, it was quite dark outside the window, so it seemed like that was the first time she had fallen so deeply asleep in someone else’s home.

As Kisa felt embarrassed about why he hadn’t woken her earlier, Seyard said this:

[You were sleeping so soundly that I couldn’t bring myself to wake you.]

[But I stayed here to keep Seyard company…]

[It’s fine. There was quite a bit of enjoyment in watching Kisa’s sleeping face.]

It was a moment when she realized once again that he was truly a good person.

And now, that same Seyard was looking at his fiancée who had appeared at his mansion and said:

“Kisa, you’ve come.”

“Yes, I was bored so I came to visit. Is that improper?”

“Of course not. You’re always welcome.”

He smiled brightly but then tilted his head.

“But you came later than usual today. Did something happen?”

After a moment’s silence, Kisa found herself shaking her head.

“No. Nothing happened. I just took a nap and left late.”

Strange. She had definitely intended to tell him all about meeting Daniel again, like last time…

Why couldn’t she speak about it?

 

Chap 73

I Want to Believe, But…

That day, after having dinner with Seyard and taking a light stroll in the garden, she returned to the Vansfelt mansion.

During those few hours, Kisa had opened and closed her lips meaninglessly dozens of times.

The news that Daniel had come looking for her earlier that day, even blocking her carriage, rose to her throat but retreated back down.

It hadn’t been like this when Daniel had impulsively visited the Count Vansfelt’s residence and first mentioned Seyard’s past.

After that incident, Kisa had told Seyard everything Daniel had said during their very next meeting.

Though she had some reservations, she believed Seyard deserved to know.

This time too, Kisa thought he should know that Daniel was investigating his background.

Even if it posed only a mosquito-like annoyance to him, it wouldn’t hurt for him to be aware in advance.

But contrary to that rational judgment, her mouth couldn’t even utter the first syllable of Daniel’s name.

The conversation they had right before Daniel left the carriage haunted her mind.

After receiving his suggestion to meet and talk with a monk, Kisa asked in surprise:

[You! You even bothered the monks? Even if you couldn’t get the answers you wanted from the people of Bonzmos, to disturb those who are in spiritual practice…]

[I only asked one person I happened to meet. It wasn’t easy to approach them. They’re quite wary.]

[Then how am I supposed to ask?]

[You’re different from me. You’re none other than the fiancée of Duke Hillan. It’s not just Bonzmos that he’s poured vast donations into. That monastery too. Moreover, unlike me who appears suspicious, it wouldn’t be strange at all for you to ask about Duke Hillan. It’s perfectly natural to be concerned about the reputation of the man you’re going to marry, isn’t it?]

Kisa fell silent.

[Kisa, don’t you think you should hear from those who have spent the most time with him? He might not reveal his true nature in the villages he occasionally visits, but at the monastery where he always stays, he probably lived showing his true self.]

[…]

[You say I’m obsessing over this out of pride, and yes, perhaps what you’re saying is true. But one thing is certain.]

His tone was truly confident.

[Seyard Hillan definitely has something fishy about him. So investigating him will be saving you. You shouldn’t marry him.]

After declaring this, Daniel opened the carriage door and went outside.

Left alone, Kisa had to ponder over his words during the carriage ride to Duke Hillan’s mansion.

She wanted to dismiss it as nonsense, but somehow she couldn’t.

Because of this, she couldn’t fully concentrate on her dinner and walk with Seyard after arriving at her destination.

She couldn’t understand why.

“…”

No, actually she did know.

Late at night, sitting at her desk for a long time unable to sleep, Kisa finally acknowledged her honest feelings.

She already knew. The reason she couldn’t dismiss Daniel’s words as nonsense, and why she chose to listen to Daniel who had climbed into her carriage uninvited instead of chasing him away.

It was because of the suspicion toward Seyard that had taken root in a corner of Kisa’s heart.

This suspicion, which had grown considerably compared to Daniel’s previous visit, prevented Kisa from being completely honest with Seyard.

But she was confused because this didn’t mean she distrusted Seyard.

If she had distrusted him, she wouldn’t have visited Duke Hillan’s mansion today nor spent time with him.

Yet she felt uncomfortable with the fact that when asked if she completely trusted him, she couldn’t answer confidently.

Over his gentle face, which had told her he couldn’t wake the sleeping Kisa, other faces overlapped.

Him, who revealed he had gifted her a bracelet because it was a jewelry Kisa disliked.

Him, who asked why he should save Gabriel who was being assaulted by Princess Arta.

Him, who showed an expression she had never seen before when the princess mentioned his dead brother.

All those versions of Seyard gave off a feeling that was different from the one she had known, arousing a subtle fear in Kisa’s heart.

Moreover, the words that Princess had left for Kisa after forcibly visiting the Duke’s mansion to find Gabriel:

[Be careful of your fiancé. He might be a wolf in sheep’s clothing, or perhaps something even worse.]

[And what else is there? Oh, that it was a coincidence that he recruited him? Let me ask just one thing. Was it Kisa’s own will to attend the Darion Duchy’s concert? Did someone suggest it to her first?]

[Anyone who cares to look can find out that your hobby is playing the violin. How likely is it that someone like you wouldn’t appreciate the performance of Gabriel, who has such natural talent?]

To be honest, Kisa still thought this was the princess’s far-fetched speculation.

It didn’t seem likely that Seyard would go to such lengths to take revenge on the princess for her.

Yet, strangely, those words persistently remained in Kisa’s mind, fueling her doubts.

As the princess said, Seyard was the one who first invited Kisa to attend the concert at Darion Duchy.

And while it was true that Kisa had taken note of Gabriel’s performance, she hadn’t asked Seyard to invite him to their engagement ceremony.

She had simply been touched when she later learned that Seyard had recruited him, assuming he had done it for her.

She wanted to trust Seyard. She trusted him about seventy percent. But these few facts had planted a thirty percent “what if?” in her mind.

“Seyard…”

Kisa’s benevolent benefactor, currently the only person she could call a friend, a companion with whom she had agreed to walk the same path for at least the next two years.

At the same time, a man who seemed to be hiding something from her.

Sigh, thinking about him made her chest tighten, and Kisa let out a deep breath.

Of course, this didn’t solve her worries, so her frustration only increased.

In the quiet surroundings, Kisa quietly mumbled to herself.

“It’s only natural to have secrets.”

Everyone has their own secrets.

Even Kisa, who was relatively frank about her feelings with Seyard, had several things she chose not to mention.

That wasn’t particularly bad behavior.

Therefore, even if suspicions arose about Seyard, even if there were points that didn’t make sense, simply leaving them alone might be the polite and wise choice.

Even between real lovers or spouses, secrets existed. Kisa and Seyard were a fake couple bound by contract.

It might be absurd to dig into something hidden from the other.

Besides, strictly speaking, none of the suspicions about Seyard so far suggested the possibility that he could be a terrible villain as Daniel’s delusion suggested.

If that was the case, it might be best to put aside unnecessary suspicions and quietly continue their current friendly relationship.

In any case, as long as he wasn’t a serious criminal, Kisa couldn’t hastily break up with him.

Count Vansfelt wouldn’t allow a second broken engagement, and even if he did, Kisa would likely end up paired with Daniel again.

Considering all these circumstances, it would be the right choice to put aside needless thoughts and leave Seyard’s secrets as secrets.

“But…”

Strangely, Kisa couldn’t come to such a simple conclusion.

In her heart, there existed a hope to completely trust Seyard and a curiosity to know what his secrets were.

Both stemmed from a desire for a more genuine relationship with Seyard than what they currently had.

‘What should I really do?’

The night of contemplation deepened.

Kisa’s worry was not a matter of just a day or two.

Only after secretly agonizing for more than a week did she reach a conclusion.

And now, to fasten the first button of her plan, she was at Duke Hillan’s mansion.

“By the way, I have something to tell you.”

“Yes, please go ahead.”

Sitting across from Seyard at the table, visiting the Duke’s mansion as usual, Kisa tried to appear as natural as possible as she spoke.

“How about we visit St. Pavela Monastery together sometime soon?”

Feeling Seyard’s gaze, she forced a bright smile.

“I’ve been curious about what kind of place it is, and I’d like to visit before we get busy with wedding preparations.”

This was the conclusion Kisa had finally reached.

She did want to meet the people who had spent the most time with Seyard. But she didn’t want to meet them behind his back.

The remaining option was to visit the place with Seyard.

“Moreover, I found out that St. Pavela Monastery is open to the public only for a few days each year, and that happens to be in a few days. I wondered when we’d have such an opportunity again, so I wanted to mention it.”

There was no change in Seyard’s expression. Yet strangely, Kisa’s heart was pounding.

“What do you think, Seyard? Could we go together?”

In response to that cautious question, Seyard was silent for a moment, seemingly considering.

Exactly how long it was, she didn’t know, but to Kisa, it felt like an endless amount of time.

After a while, with a faint smile, he answered.

“I think that would be difficult, Kisa.”

 

Chap 74

Counter-Proposal

“…Oh, I see.”

At Kisa’s dejected voice, the smile on Seyard’s face changed to one of embarrassment.

“I’m sorry. I have quite a few matters to handle, and I should be heading down to my territory soon. I don’t think I’ll be able to make it during the monastery’s open week.”

“No! It’s fine. It’s because of work, after all. I completely understand.”

In truth, as a lord, he should have been spending much more time in his territory.

Moreover, the territory belonging to the Hillan family was the most extensive in the Sorbi Kingdom, except for the royal family’s.

Ordinarily, after finalizing his succession to the title, he should have made appropriate appearances in the capital to maintain relationships with other families, and then immediately gone to his territory to focus on its administration.

However, due to the unexpected contract marriage with Kisa, he had to extend his stay in the capital.

This was because important family events like engagement and wedding ceremonies couldn’t be held in a remote location, and it was customary to hold them in the capital so that as many people as possible from various families, including the royal family, could attend as guests.

Of course, that didn’t mean Seyard had completely neglected the management of his territory during this time.

He had been busy dealing with issues coming from his territory every day, and whenever he had free time, he made brief visits there.

‘But it seems I’ve reached my limit trying to manage things this way.’

It appeared that Seyard was planning to go down to his territory soon and stay there for an extended period.

Kisa, bringing a piece of beef to her mouth with her fork, honestly felt disappointed.

Even apart from this particular occasion, she had always wanted to visit the monastery where Seyard grew up, together with him.

[One of the monks I know often used to discern people’s lies in this manner. I don’t know if it was truly because the heart beats faster when one lies, or if he had other methods, but he was someone who could see through the human heart. Once, a young monk who had recently entered the monastery, bearing a grudge after being scolded by him..]

Ever since that day in the back garden of the Vansfelt mansion when she heard Seyard’s reminiscences, Kisa had been curious about what kind of place it was where he had grown up.

She had thought that someday she would like to actually go there and hear more of the small memories he had shared.

And then imagine his ordinary daily life there—eating, sleeping, studying, chatting.

‘But.’

Currently, Kisa’s primary purpose was not such a lukewarm desire but to find out what kind of person he was through the monks.

For that purpose, it was actually better that Seyard couldn’t make time due to his territorial affairs.

“Um, then would it be alright if I go alone?”

She could steer the conversation this way.

“Kisa, by yourself?”

Seyard’s eyes widened as if he had heard something unexpected.

“It’s a shame we can’t go together, but I still want to see it. Because it’s where you grew up.”

Kisa spoke, once again making a great effort to appear natural.

“Besides, if I miss this opportunity, I’ll only be able to visit a year later, and by then, I might be in Yomos.”

Yomos was a city located in the center of the Hillan duchy’s territory.

Though she had never been there, she had heard it was a much more prosperous place than the quiet Vansfelt family territory, and the Hillan family castle was also located there.

Barring any unforeseen circumstances, after marrying Seyard and becoming the Duchess of Hillan, Kisa would also spend most of her time there.

And Yomos was farther from Bonzmos, where St. Pavela Monastery was located, than the capital was.

‘So it’s not strange for me to insist on going alone.’

Kisa anxiously awaited Seyard’s answer.

For her part, she really wanted to visit the monastery alone this time.

It’s only in the absence of the person concerned that genuine stories come out.

Even if the monks tried to speak as favorably as possible about Seyard, their major benefactor, there was a clear difference between him being present and absent.

Unaware of Kisa’s true intentions, Seyard leisurely tilted his wine glass.

“Indeed, it would be better to visit that place while staying in the capital.”

Just as relief was about to bloom in Kisa’s heart at hearing what seemed to be her desired response, he continued.

“Still, I would prefer that we go together.”

“What?”

“I’d like to personally introduce that place to you, rather than someone else doing it. Let’s go when we both have more free time.”

Kisa momentarily wanted to object with a “But,” but closed her mouth.

If she continued to insist on going alone at this point, it might seem suspicious.

‘What should I do?’

Should she aim for next year’s open week?

But that was still in the distant future, and by then they would already be married.

Kisa’s honest feeling was that she wanted to rid herself of the unsettling emotions regarding Seyard before their marriage.

‘Then, without Seyard knowing…?’

No, that was out of the question.

Seyard seemed to have a close relationship with St. Pavela Monastery.

If someone presumed to be Kisa appeared there, the news would certainly reach his ears.

Moreover, going there without informing him was tantamount to openly saying, “I don’t trust you.”

Additionally, considering that Daniel had returned without much information, sending someone else to investigate on her behalf also seemed ineffective.

So, should she give up on visiting the monastery?

However, as Kisa’s heart was sinking, Seyard made an unexpected proposal.

“In that sense, after I return from Yomos—so about two months from now—let’s depart for Bonzmos together.”

“Two months from now? But that’s not during the open week, is it?”

“Didn’t I mention it before? Since I owe them a great deal, and actually, I recently made a substantial donation to St. Pavela Monastery. It’s not a cloistered monastery or anything, and if I explain properly, they’ll welcome my visit anytime.”

“I-I see. I didn’t know.”

While Kisa was internally flustered by a possibility she hadn’t considered, Seyard said with a smile:

“I’m looking forward to two months from now for many reasons. Not only will I be able to see familiar faces after quite some time, but you’ll be with me as well. They might even say I’ve found a match too good for me.”

“Oh come on, that’s too much praise.”

Watching him speak with seemingly genuine joy, Kisa was filled with a strange emotion.

If Seyard truly had a past he wanted to hide, could he speak so unhesitatingly about taking her there?

She felt uneasy, wondering if all her suspicions were simply her misjudgment, having fallen for Daniel’s instigation.

‘Seyard always shows me kindness, while I…’

However, regardless of such guilt, she was purely happy about eventually going to St. Pavela Monastery.

It was both disappointing and not disappointing that she would be going with Seyard instead of alone.

A contradictory sentiment, but that’s how it was.

As she was thinking that she wished the two months would pass quickly, Seyard changed the subject.

“By the way, Kisa, do you have anything troubling you these days?”

Since she did have a concern, but one she couldn’t share with him, Kisa shook her head.

“No, nothing in particular. Why?”

“That’s a relief then. Actually, about a week ago? Anyway, on that day when you visited here later than usual because of your afternoon nap.”

For a moment, Kisa’s heart sank. It was about the day when Daniel had jumped into her carriage.

“I’m not sure if it’s just my imagination, but since that day, your demeanor seems different from usual. I wondered if you had some concern you couldn’t talk about.”

“Well… nothing happened… Ah, perhaps it’s due to fatigue. Actually, I’ve been feeling inexplicably lethargic lately.”

“Oh dear, it might be because you exerted yourself during the engagement ceremony. I should tell Gilliam to send you some medicine good for restoring vitality.”

“There’s no need to go that far. A good rest is all I need.”

Kisa said this despite already having minimized her social activities and been resting well at home.

She felt a chill at her fingertips, wondering if Seyard would fully believe what she had just said.

It wasn’t the first time Seyard had seen through Kisa’s heart with his extraordinary perceptiveness, and strangely, this time she felt particularly fearful.

He was only concerned about Kisa, after all.

Afterwards, the meal continued in a seemingly pleasant atmosphere, but her inner feelings were not aligned with it.

She couldn’t let her guard down for even a moment, fearing that Seyard might fully comprehend her real reason for wanting to visit the monastery if she showed any vulnerability.

And the more anxious Kisa became, the more Seyard looked at her with concerned eyes, saying he would send medicine as soon as possible.

The two months passed somehow amid Kisa’s anticipation, and the day arrived when she was to depart for Bonzmos with him.

However, when Kisa arrived at the Hillan mansion early in the morning, having prepared for the journey, she was confronted with an unexpected situation.

“What did you say?”

Faced with Kisa’s question, Seyard wore a truly apologetic expression.

“I’m deeply sorry. I received an urgent message from Yomos last night, and I need to go down there.”

It was like a bolt from the blue.

 

Chap 75

Emptiness Without Him

“So that’s how it is…”

Kisa couldn’t hide her disappointment.

She had been counting down the days to visit St. Pavela Monastery for almost two months.

Half of her heart genuinely wanted to know about Seyard’s past, while the other half hoped to dispel all suspicions and feel at ease again.

No, perhaps the latter had grown much stronger by now.

For the past two months, Kisa had suffered from the guilt of suspecting someone as kind as Seyard, along with the anxiety that his perceptive nature might detect her ulterior motives at any moment.

That’s why she wanted to go to the monastery as soon as possible to end this painful time.

She wanted to meet the monks together with Seyard and see them conversing amicably without any hint of tension.

If that happened, Kisa was confident she wouldn’t be swayed by Daniel’s words anymore.

She also felt certain she would never harbor uncomfortable suspicions about Seyard again.

But now, on the day of their planned trip, Seyard suddenly couldn’t go due to unexpected circumstances.

“I’m truly sorry, Kisa.”

But it wasn’t his fault. Seyard wasn’t deliberately refusing to go, and if urgent matters arose in his territory, prioritizing them was the proper attitude for a lord.

Kisa tried to collect her emotions and replied in her usual tone.

“It’s alright. It’s disappointing, but it can’t be helped. Has something serious happened in your territory?”

“I’m told the river has flooded due to heavier rainfall than usual in some areas. There’s concern about additional damage, so I should go there quickly.”

“Oh my, please be careful on your journey.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t keep our promise, Kisa.”

“This isn’t something for you to apologize about, Seyard. I’m really fine.”

“Thank you for understanding.”

“Not at all. We can visit St. Pavela Monastery after you’ve finished handling the affairs in your territory.”

Kisa was trying to console herself with the fact that, thanks to him being a major patron, they wouldn’t have to wait a full year for the next open period, when Seyard asked a surprising question.

“Why wait until next time?”

“Well, because you need to go to your territory right away…”

“Just because I can’t go to the monastery doesn’t mean you can’t go either. It’s unfortunate, but please go by yourself this time.”

“What? Is that really alright?”

“Of course. I’ve already made you wait for two months; I can’t make you wait longer because of my stubbornness. Besides, you’ve already completed all your preparations for the trip.”

Seyard gently gripped Kisa’s shoulder.

“This isn’t the only opportunity, so I can postpone showing you around personally until later. Please, go and enjoy yourself without worry.”

“Seyard…”

While warmed by his consideration, Kisa couldn’t help but think that he truly must have nothing to hide in his past.

Otherwise, she doubted he would so readily encourage her to go alone.

In any case, despite her disappointment, Seyard’s absence presented an opportunity for Kisa to act more freely.

“Thank you. I’ll gratefully accept your offer.”

Embracing this unexpected stroke of luck, Kisa bid him farewell.

“We’ll be apart for quite some time again, it seems.”

Seyard twirled his index finger in Kisa’s hair, seemingly sad about their separation.

In truth, they hadn’t seen each other for about half of the past two months because he had to attend to matters in his territory.

“It won’t be that long this time.”

Bonzmos was relatively close to the capital, taking at most a week for the round trip.

Since she planned to stay in Bonzmos for three days, she would be able to return to the capital in about ten days.

Despite Kisa’s reassurance, the man’s expression remained serious, and he suddenly made an unexpected move.

He grabbed Kisa’s arm and pulled her into his embrace.

The fresh citrus scent unique to Seyard filled her nostrils.

“Ah, um…”

Kisa’s body stiffened at the sudden embrace.

Even with her former fiancé Daniel, she had never experienced such close physical contact since she grew up.

They had shared something resembling an embrace only once when they were children, when Kisa, following Daniel, had tripped on a stone and he’d reflexively caught her.

The situation was similar with her family. Count Vansfelt wasn’t an affectionate father who would embrace his daughter, and her younger brother, who took after him, was no different.

So this was essentially Kisa’s first proper embrace with a man in her life.

As embarrassment surged through her, she instinctively tried to pull away, but then noticed the duke’s servants waiting nearby.

She finally understood Seyard’s intention.

According to what was known to the public, they were lovers who couldn’t live without each other.

For such lovers to be separated again for an extended period after just a few days together, it would seem awkward if they parted with just a verbal farewell.

In other words, this was an act.

“I’ll miss you, Kisa.”

As if confirming her suspicion, Seyard buried his face in the nape of her neck and murmured in a deeply emotional tone.

It was such a convincing plea that even Kisa, knowing it was an act, felt her heart drop.

As she had thought before, he seemed to have the qualities of an actor.

“…I’ll miss you too, Seyard.”

Kisa managed to respond as if speaking to a real lover and wrapped her arms around Seyard’s back.

Although neither of them said anything more, the embrace continued for some time.

It was only when Kisa began seriously wondering how long a normal embrace between actual lovers would last in such a situation that Seyard finally released her from his arms.

“I’d like to hold you longer, but I should be leaving soon. I’m sorry I’ll miss the breakfast we were supposed to have together.”

Originally, they had planned to have breakfast together at the duke’s residence before departing, which was why Kisa had left the Vansfelt residence early in the morning.

“Haven’t you eaten, Seyard?”

“I had a light meal before you arrived.”

He looked at Kisa intently before speaking.

“By the way, Kisa, I have something important to tell you when we meet again.”

“If it’s urgent, you can tell me now.”

“No, it’s something I should convey in a more relaxed setting.”

What could it be that required such a preface?

Suppressing the strange speculations rising in a corner of her mind, Kisa nodded.

“Alright, I’ll be waiting.”

“I’ll most likely return to the capital later than you, but if my return seems too delayed, I’ll send word. Goodbye for now.”

“Take care on your journey.”

Seyard responded to Kisa’s farewell, which was identical to her earlier one, and headed toward his carriage.

Kisa watched from the entrance until the carriage carrying him disappeared beyond the gate, then turned to enter the mansion.

The servants guided her to the dining room where breakfast was already prepared.

All the dishes were excellent, befitting the status of the Hillan family.

‘Hmm?’

However, after taking a few bites, Kisa noticed a strange sense of dissatisfaction.

The food was delicious, but somehow it seemed less tasty than usual.

It was strange. She had dined here several times, but this was the first time she’d felt this way.

She had always enjoyed the food here and often praised the duke’s chef, whom she had never even seen.

‘The taste doesn’t seem to have changed…’

While pondering this throughout the meal, Kisa happened to glance at the seat opposite her and finally found the answer.

The person who had consistently dined with her at that seat, whether busy or not, was now absent.

It was a moment of realization that the presence of a dining companion unknowingly plays an important role in the act of eating.

She only realized this now because she had never eaten at the duke’s residence without Seyard.

‘It feels somehow empty.’

Chewing on the meat that was delicious yet somehow lacking, that’s what Kisa thought.

****

“Hello, miss! Once again, I’ll be serving you diligently for the next few days.”

For this journey to Bonzmos, Lily, the maid who had assisted Kisa during the engagement ceremony, accompanied her.

To be honest, Kisa found Lily more comfortable to be around than those who had served her for a long time at the Vansfelt residence, so this was fortunate.

They weren’t bad people, but her nanny tended to nag a lot, and Marsha had a somewhat sullen side.

As expected of the Hillans. Even the kindness of their servants was on another level.

Besides Lily, there was a coachman to drive the carriage and security personnel to guard them during their not-so-short journey. Notably, they were all Hillan’s people.

On a late summer day, a carriage bearing the Hillan family crest set off toward Bonzmos.

The heat had already subsided, so they didn’t have to sweat profusely inside the carriage.

Kisa could enjoy the carriage journey, which she hadn’t experienced for quite some time, feeling the gentle breeze coming through the open window.

Lily, sitting opposite her, was a good companion, but since they couldn’t chat continuously, Kisa spent much of her time in quiet contemplation.

Various miscellaneous thoughts came and went in her mind.

Daniel had not shown himself since their meeting two months ago.

However, he sent unwelcome letters just when she was about to forget about him, and recently he seemed to be meddling with the collateral branch of the Hillan family that was at odds with Seyard.

He was diligent only in unnecessary areas.

As for Gabriel, Seyard had informed her that he was working hard to adapt to his new settlement.

On the other hand, Princess Arta seemed to be struggling, as rumors circulated in social circles that the youngest princess’s nerves were on edge recently.

‘I wonder how things will turn out…’

Anyway, with such thoughts filling her head, time passed more quickly than expected.

Before she knew it, they had arrived in Bonzmos.

 

Chap 76

St. Pavela Monastery

By the time Kisa’s party reached Bonzmos after a two-and-a-half-day carriage journey, the western sky was dyed red with the evening sunset.

They first headed to their designated lodging.

At the Pavela Hotel, named after the nearby monastery and boasting the best facilities in the area, Kisa received a grand welcome.

Local dignitaries of Bonzmos were waiting for her there.

“Oh my, Lady Vansfelt! Welcome! We’ve been waiting for you!”

“Was your journey very tiring? We hope you get plenty of rest during your stay.”

“We heard that Duke Hillan couldn’t come due to sudden circumstances. How disappointing! Though it can’t be helped this time, we sincerely wish he would accompany you next time.”

“Indeed. Our Bonzmos may not be very developed, but it’s such a wonderful place. The Duke must miss it considerably.”

“The Duke has been doing such great things for Bonzmos lately. Though we haven’t had the opportunity to connect until now, we’d like to participate in his good work from now on.”

“By the way, you truly are as beautiful as we’ve heard! I completely understand why the Duke fell for you at first sight. Ah, the romantic tale of your courtship is quite famous in this region.”

“Oh, you must be hungry? We specifically instructed the hotel to prepare a banquet featuring local herbs, a specialty of Bonzmos.”

They spoke so rapidly, clutching at Kisa, that it made her ears ring.

It was obvious they were desperately trying to establish connections with the Duke of Hillan.

When they even expressed their desire to join Kisa for dinner, she firmly declined, saying she was tired and wanted to be alone.

She truly was exhausted, and moreover, their behavior was quite displeasing to her.

‘Now they’re trying to flatter and curry favor.’

Having heard the past stories from Seyard, Kisa knew that most nobles in Bonzmos had previously disregarded him.

Of course, from their position, it made sense to completely ignore Seyard rather than risk incurring the displeasure of the Hillan ducal family by associating with him.

She wasn’t unable to understand. Even Kisa couldn’t confidently say she would have acted differently had she been in their position.

However, that didn’t mean she wanted to help them establish connections with the Duke of Hillan.

Seyard was already contributing to Bonzmos’s revival, so what more did they want?

‘Greedy people.’

Vowing not to meet them again no matter how many times they came, Kisa entered her room.

The best suite in the hotel clearly showed efforts made to satisfy important guests.

It was cleaner and more luxurious than expected, with a soft bed.

After changing into indoor clothes with Lily’s help, dinner was delivered on a trolley.

The pork dish with herbs to remove any gamey taste was quite palatable.

She suddenly wondered if Seyard had eaten such food often when he lived here.

Thinking she should ask him later, she finished her meal, and Lily inquired about tomorrow’s schedule.

In truth, Kisa’s answer was predetermined without need for questioning.

“I’ll visit St. Pavela Monastery. I’ve already informed them that I’d be coming tomorrow.”

That was the purpose of coming to Bonzmos in the first place.

She wanted to visit there as soon as they arrived, but since a monastery’s day typically begins early in the morning and ends early in the evening, she had to wait until tomorrow.

‘Finally, it’s right in front of me.’

After Lily withdrew and night fell, Kisa lay on the unfamiliar bed and stared at the ceiling.

She only hoped that tomorrow all her doubts would be resolved and peace would return to her heart.

Only then could she face Seyard without any concerns.

Hopefully.

The next morning, Kisa entered St. Pavela Monastery.

“Welcome, Lady Vansfelt.”

The abbot, who had come to greet her at the main gate, welcomed Kisa warmly.

“We are grateful that Duke Hillan has not forgotten this place and has provided valuable assistance. Although he couldn’t come, we hope you’ll stay as long as you wish.”

The abbot, with his benevolent appearance, introduced a young monk standing beside him to Kisa.

“This is Brother Vishius. Though still a novice, he is a friend with excellent faith and diligence. He’s also quite talkative, so you won’t be bored.”

The young monk with distinctive freckles greeted her cheerfully.

“Nice to meet you, my lady! I’m Vishius. Please ask me anything you’re curious about.”

“I’m pleased to meet you too, Brother Vishius.”

After the greetings, the abbot asked Kisa to visit his office before leaving and then withdrew.

Kisa walked alongside Brother Vishius along the brick path that traversed the entire monastery, with Lily following a few steps behind.

Built with red brick, St. Pavela Monastery was a place that exuded a pastoral charm.

Brother Vishius, perhaps to ease Kisa’s awkwardness, mentioned Seyard.

“Actually, I was quite close with Brother Hillan, or rather, Duke Hillan. I suppose young people tend to get along well.”

Brother Hillan. Though she knew his nominal identity at the monastery had been that of a monk, hearing such a title gave her a fresh feeling.

Suddenly, related curiosity arose.

“Brother Vishius, did the Duke wear monastic robes like other monks when he was here?”

“Yes, of course. Though he changed when going out to town, saying it drew unnecessary attention.”

I see. So Seyard also wore this black, plain robe with a white waistband.

To be honest, she didn’t think it was a stylish outfit at all, but for some reason, imagining him wearing it made her think he might look handsome.

‘Perhaps the ascetic atmosphere of the monastic robes might strangely suit Seyard?’

Wondering if it was an irreverent thought, Kisa asked Brother Vishius another question.

“Did the Duke pray like other monks?”

“That too, of course. Although he did miss quite a few times, he generally attended the liturgies reasonably well.”

Kisa tried to picture him in monk’s robes, absorbed in prayer, but stopped midway. It still felt irreverent.

Brother Vishius guided Kisa through various places within the monastery.

They toured places like the main building and assembly hall, as well as the vegetable garden, stable, and smithy, listening to Brother Vishius’s humorous yet surprisingly informative explanations.

Of course, when they might disturb people using those places, they only briefly observed the exterior before moving on.

Since it was her first time entering a monastery, Kisa continued her tour with considerable interest.

However, she hadn’t forgotten the original purpose of her visit.

Kisa periodically asked questions about Seyard in relation to the monastery’s facilities, and Brother Vishius answered earnestly without suspicion.

He probably thought her questions stemmed from sweet curiosity about her lover, and perhaps he also felt obligated to provide information in Seyard’s absence.

“What kind of person was Duke Hillan?”

The young monk answered without hesitation.

“He was a good person, of course. He had a cheerful and straightforward personality, and he knew so much about outside news that it was enjoyable to talk with him. And this is a secret, but I also learned to play cards from him. Sometimes we young ones would gather secretly and play a round.”

The talkative young monk was an excellent source of information.

“Once, we were caught by the strict Brother Besano, but only I got severely scolded. He grabbed my wrist like this, checking if I was lying about betting money or not. I was so scared that my heart beat too fast, making him suspect I was lying. We had only wagered alcohol, not money.”

Listening to his story, a memory suddenly came to mind.

Several months ago, in the garden of the Vansfelt mansion, Seyard had told her an anecdote about someone similar to the Brother Besano that Vishius mentioned.

[One of the monks I knew would often discern lies from people this way. Whether he could really tell if someone was lying by their heartbeat or if he had some other method, he was someone who could see through human hearts. Once, a young monk who had recently joined the monastery harbored resentment after being scolded by him and…]

“Ah,” Kisa exclaimed, looking at Brother Vishius. “Are you perhaps the young monk who, resenting being scolded by Brother Besano, hid all his shoes?”

Brother Vishius affirmed Kisa’s question by turning his face as red as a radish.

“What, did Brother Hillan tell you that too? That’s really too much! It was already unfair enough that he escaped when we got caught playing cards together!”

“Haha, let’s just say I happened to hear about it.”

Concerned she might have said something inappropriate, Kisa scratched her cheek.

Brother Vishius grumbled for a moment but quickly cheered up and cheerfully recounted memories of when Seyard lived there.

Listening to him, warmth gradually spread through Kisa’s heart.

The Seyard in these stories was, contrary to Daniel’s suspicions, simply a good person.

Meanwhile, Kisa recalled part of a conversation she had with him about the monastery.

[On days when I didn’t feel like drinking or thought it inappropriate to drink during the day, after following Cobi for the first time, I would spend time at the gambling house.]

Curious about who this Cobi was, whom Seyard had frequented gambling houses with, Kisa asked Brother Vishius if she could meet him.

“Ah, Cobi.”

But the young monk gave an unexpected answer.

“That would be difficult. He is currently missing.”

 

Chap 77

Monks

Kisa blinked in surprise.

“…Missing, you say?”

It was unexpected news.

“Yes, his whereabouts have been unknown for some time now.”

After saying this, Brother Vishius soon noticed Kisa’s serious expression and waved his hands frantically.

“You don’t need to worry too much! It’s not like he got involved in something dangerous or anything like that—he just ran away because he was afraid of being punished!”

“Punished for what?”

“Ah, well. That is…”

“I suppose I have no choice,” the monk muttered before sighing deeply and revealing the truth.

“It appears Cobi stole several medicines from the pharmacy here and sold them for personal profit. He had stolen quite a lot over time.”

“So he ran away after being caught?”

“Yes. Given the extent of his actions, the monastery decided to give Cobi a chance to turn himself in rather than reporting him immediately, but he disappeared right after that.”

“I see. I didn’t know about this.”

“It’s not exactly pleasant news, so I imagine Brother Hillan chose not to mention it.”

“Oh, does Seyard know about this too?”

Kisa’s eyes widened as she realized she had started using a casual form of address for Seyard, following Brother Vishius’s example.

“Yes, he does. It happened while Brother Hillan was still here—a little over half a year ago. At the time, Brother Emil asked Brother Hillan if he knew where Cobi might have gone, but he didn’t know either.”

He said “Ah” and then explained who Brother Emil was.

“He’s the one who manages the monastery’s pharmacy. He’s very knowledgeable about pharmacology. Almost all the medicines from the pharmacy are made by him.”

“I see. Seyard must have been quite disappointed. I heard he was close enough with this Cobi person that they often went to Bonzmos together.”

“How could he not be? I think his mood became much more subdued around that time. Although he didn’t show it much outwardly, he must have been deeply hurt. My goodness, Brother Emil didn’t understand this and even accused Brother Hillan of knowing Cobi’s whereabouts but hiding it…”

Seeming to realize he had said too much, Brother Vishius abruptly stopped speaking.

“It’s nothing. Please don’t worry about it.”

But how could one not be concerned after hearing such a thing? Kisa immediately pressed further.

“Was there conflict between Brother Emil and Seyard because of this incident?”

Brother Vishius looked troubled, but finding it difficult to take back what he had already brought up, he eventually spoke.

“I wouldn’t particularly call it conflict. It’s just that he was someone who didn’t particularly care for Brother Hillan to begin with, and upset about having medicines stolen, he probably said it in the heat of the moment.”

“So Brother Emil didn’t think highly of Seyard.”

“Ugh, there wasn’t any specific conflict, so really, don’t worry about it. The truth is, Brother Hillan wasn’t very monk-like in many ways, so quite a few of the more conservative people here didn’t view him favorably. But that was all, and Brother Hillan spent his time at the monastery without any particular problems.”

Indeed, Seyard appeared to have merely stayed at the monastery without particularly considering himself a monk.

Besides, he had even frequented gambling establishments—something the other monks would have found difficult to approve of.

This young monk standing before her must be somewhat unusual.

“But you seem to like Seyard, Brother Vishius.”

“Well, he didn’t come here of his own volition in the first place. How could we force him to adopt a monk’s attitude?”

After scratching his head at Kisa’s comment, he resumed walking, offering to guide her to the next location.

The next place the two people—or rather three, counting Lily who followed quietly in line with her role as an attendant—headed to was the pharmacy that had just been mentioned in their conversation.

“It’s a shame. Brother Emil, who is in charge of the pharmacy, is currently away, so we can’t go inside. The pharmacy contains dangerous medicines, so he’s very strict about keeping it locked. Still, we can see a bit of the interior through the window.”

As he had said, peering through the glass window revealed a glimpse of the dark pharmacy interior.

While examining the medicine bottles filling the shelves, herbs drying by the window, and various equipment apparently used for producing medicines, Kisa asked:

“Where has Brother Emil gone?”

“Every year around this time, he visits small villages in the surrounding area. He distributes medicine to places without proper physicians, and even treats minor illnesses or wounds himself.”

“Wow, he sounds like an admirable person.”

“Yes, despite being somewhat timid, he’s a person worth emulating. Although, he completely lacks flexibility, which is why he was always complaining about Brother Hillan.”

Since they couldn’t enter anyway, and the pharmacy was merely an intermediate stop on the way to the dormitory, the three people left relatively quickly.

However, given that herbs were a local specialty, Brother Vishius seemed to take pride in the pharmacy and couldn’t hide his disappointment.

“If you had come during our open week, you could have seen inside.”

“If I have reason to visit again, I’ll try to time it accordingly.”

Exchanging such conversation with the young monk, Kisa continued walking toward the dormitory where the monks ate, slept, and lived.

When the three arrived, the dormitory was completely empty.

According to Brother Vishius, monks typically carried out their assigned roles in various places when it wasn’t time for meals or sleep.

But exceptions seemed to exist everywhere—when they entered the dormitory, someone called out to Brother Vishius.

“Hey, how’s the tour going?”

He was a middle-aged monk with a stout build and sun-tanned, bronze skin.

“Ah, Brother Besano.”

Thanks to Brother Vishius, Kisa realized this new figure was that unusual monk who determined whether people were lying by grabbing their wrists.

If nothing else, the fact that he approached Brother Vishius first was already unusual.

She had encountered several monks so far, but they had merely glanced at her without making any effort to acknowledge her presence.

The cause was undoubtedly Kisa, who as an outsider and a woman, had stepped into a prohibited area for females.

Strictly speaking, the unusual one was Brother Vishius, who had been sociable with Kisa from the beginning, not them.

Ah, add one more to the list. Brother Besano, who smiled at Kisa, also seemed to be an unusual person.

“I’ve heard about this, but it seems Hillan has captured the heart of a truly beautiful woman. I am Besano.”

Brother Vishius, standing next to her, added:

“This is the monk I mentioned who once had all of his shoes hidden.”

“What? You even told her about that?”

“It wasn’t me. She already knew from Brother Hillan.”

“Really? I’m surprised that Hillan would share such stories.”

“Why is that surprising?”

Before she knew it, Kisa had joined the conversation, only to realize she hadn’t even introduced herself yet.

“Pleased to meet you, Brother Besano. I am Kisa Vansfelt, Duke Hillan’s fiancée. I apologize for my sudden question.”

Brother Besano waved off Kisa’s apology.

“No, it’s fine. You were asking why I found it surprising, correct?”

“Yes, I was curious.”

“To be honest, I didn’t expect Hillan, who dislikes me, to mention me to his beloved fiancée.”

Before Kisa could respond, Brother Vishius objected as if the statement was absurd.

“When did Brother Hillan ever dislike you, Brother Besano?”

“He never showed it openly, but whenever I approached him, he would quietly slip away.”

“That wasn’t unique to Brother Hillan. You frequently grab people’s wrists and interrogate them like some inquisitor—who would want to be around that? Not to mention how meddlesome you can be.”

“My, Brother Vishius. You’ve gained some seniority and now you say whatever you please?”

Watching the two monks argue back and forth, Kisa’s lips unconsciously relaxed into a smile.

“This is just my opinion, but I don’t think the Duke disliked you, Brother Besano. When he introduced your story to me, he spoke as if recalling pleasant memories.”

Brother Besano seemed embarrassed by Kisa’s words and gave an awkward smile.

“I’m glad to hear that. It seems Hillan has become much calmer without my knowing. In the past, how should I put it, he seemed like he was going through adolescence.”

“Adolescence?”

“Yes, although outwardly he was composed in everything, I felt that inside he seemed somehow unstable.”

Come to think of it, Seyard had also described his past self as rebellious. He had mentioned causing a lot of trouble.

Just as Kisa was considering asking them specifically what kind of trouble he had caused, Brother Besano’s words caught her attention.

“If you’re curious about what Hillan was like here, you should ask Brother Makkio. He was Hillan’s mentor at one time.”

“Is that so? I’m hearing this for the first time.”

“Well, it makes sense that Hillan wouldn’t have mentioned it. Unlike with me, where the relationship was merely uncomfortable, he and Brother Makkio really didn’t get along. Eventually, they stopped acknowledging each other altogether.”

This, too, was information Kisa was hearing for the first time.

 

Chap 78

What Others Say About Seyard Hillan

At those words, Brother Vishius defended Seyard to Brother Besano.

“It’s understandable they didn’t get along. Brother Makkio is a learned man with excellent character, but he’s… excessively strict, both with himself and others.”

Brother Besano nodded in agreement.

“That’s true. Hillan was already disinclined to actually serve as a brother, and their personalities simply didn’t match. Makkio was responsible for his education since his adolescence, so it would be stranger if they had gotten along.”

But, he continued.

“Given how much they clashed, he probably knows Hillan better than any of us. Certainly he’d judge him more objectively than you, who has received so many favors from him.”

The young brother flared up.

“What do you mean by ‘favors’? That’s unfair!”

“You’ve enjoyed plenty of snacks paid for from Hillan’s pocket.”

“It was just sharing some treats, come on.”

“And didn’t the abbot instruct you to only say good things about Hillan?”

“He did no such thing! Stop making things up!”

“I’m sure the abbot, who was thrilled with the donation from the Hillan ducal family, did nothing of the sort.”

“Honestly, if you keep saying these strange things, I’ll report everything to the abbot.”

“Well, well, look who’s grown up now.”

Listening to the two monks’ argument with one ear while letting it go out the other, Kisa fell into deep thought.

Honestly, she was a bit surprised. She hadn’t imagined that Seyard, who had always appeared so mature in front of her, had such a past.

It seemed Seyard hadn’t been exaggerating when he referred to his past self as a rebel.

‘Seyard’s master.’

Based on what she’d just heard, he sounded like a frightening person, but she still wanted to meet him.

If, as Brother Besano said, he truly knew Seyard best within the monastery, then he was likely the person who knew him best in the world.

In fact, even Gilliam, who currently served Seyard more closely than anyone, had only begun working as his secretary a few months ago.

Of course, Gilliam had worked for the Hillan ducal family for many years, so he would have seen Seyard as a child, but they had spent far more years apart.

In other words, Brother Makkio was the perfect person to provide answers to Kisa, who harbored suspicions about Seyard.

‘Good. Let’s meet him.’

Having made up her mind, Kisa asked the two brothers if she could meet Brother Makkio.

But their reactions were somewhat peculiar.

“After speaking about him like that, it feels awkward to say this, but…”

Brother Besano scratched his cheek with an embarrassed expression, and Brother Vishius explained in his place.

“The truth is, Brother Makkio is devoted entirely to his practice within the monastery and rarely leaves his cell. He hardly even speaks with us, let alone outsiders.”

Leaning casually against the wall beside him, Brother Besano muttered.

“He wasn’t that extreme when he was teaching Hillan, but he’s increasingly seeking a life of seclusion.”

“…I see.”

Perhaps because Kisa showed visible disappointment, Brother Besano patted Brother Vishius on the back.

“Still, try asking him. If you tell him that the woman who will marry his disciple has come, he might change his mind.”

“I’m not sure about that.”

“Just try asking.”

“Well, if it’s just asking…”

Almost pushed by Brother Besano, Brother Vishius finally led Kisa toward the private cell where Brother Makkio was staying.

“Farewell. If it’s alright, please give my regards to Brother Hillan as well.”

“Yes, of course. Take care, Brother.”

Kisa bid a friendly farewell to the middle-aged brother and followed the younger one.

“Please wait here for a moment.”

Upon reaching a certain room, Brother Vishius asked for Kisa’s understanding and carefully knocked on the door.

After a few seconds, when an identical response came from inside, Brother Vishius quietly opened the door and went in.

And more than ten minutes passed.

Just as Kisa was beginning to hope that not being immediately rejected might be a good sign, Brother Vishius walked out of the room.

Then he apologized with an ashamed expression.

“I’m sorry. I asked, but he doesn’t want to meet you.”

“Is there no way?”

“It’s impossible. I’ve never seen Brother Makkio reverse a decision once he’s made it.”

It was quite disappointing, but there was nothing to be done if the other party refused.

If Kisa insisted on meeting him, it would only seem suspicious, and she herself questioned whether it was really necessary to go that far.

Objectively speaking, Kisa’s suspicions about Seyard had no concrete basis.

She didn’t want to disturb a devout monk’s spiritual practice just to satisfy her curiosity.

“Well then, let’s proceed to the next place.”

Afterward, Brother Vishius led the way with a deliberately cheerful attitude, perhaps to lift Kisa’s spirits.

Soon they arrived at an empty room in the same dormitory building.

In fact, this was the fundamental reason they had come to the dormitory.

It was Seyard’s former room.

Entering the room, Kisa slowly looked around the fairly spacious interior.

Considering Seyard’s circumstances in various ways, the monastery had allowed him to use this room alone since he was young.

Brother Vishius, standing at the doorway, said:

“After Brother Hillan became a duke, people from the ducal household came and took all his personal belongings, so the room feels rather empty.”

As he said, all that remained in the room were a few pieces of furniture that appeared to have originally belonged to the monastery.

A desk, a chair, and a bed. But those were enough.

Sitting gently on the bed, Kisa imagined Seyard living here.

A vision of his ordinary daily routine formed and vanished in her mind’s eye: waking early at dawn, washing, changing clothes, eating, praying, occasionally going out to Bonzmos, then returning here to sleep.

Kisa ran her hand over the bedding, which had likely been washed clean after his departure.

Seyard. What did you think about, lying here?

She couldn’t help but wonder.

Brother Vishius’s tour of the monastery ended with Seyard’s room.

However, as requested by the abbot when she first arrived, Kisa headed to the abbot’s office in the main building to meet with him.

“Did you enjoy your tour of the monastery?”

“Yes, it was an informative experience.”

“It would have been wonderful if the Duke of Hillan had come too.”

The abbot’s reason for summoning Kisa didn’t seem to be for any particular business.

He simply asked her to convey his gratitude to Seyard, along with his assurance that the ducal family’s donations were being used appropriately.

Afterward, they engaged in miscellaneous conversation for the sake of socialization.

His intention to establish a friendly relationship with the future Duchess of Hillan was evident.

This was exactly what she had hoped for.

Kisa responded sincerely to his words while guiding the flow of conversation in the direction she wanted.

“By the way, in your opinion, what kind of person was the Duke during his time here?”

This was precisely the question she had been waiting to ask.

“Hmm, let me think.”

The abbot, who was favorably disposed toward Kisa, fell into thought while stroking his chin, showing no particular suspicion.

“To be honest, I focused more on external affairs than internal monastery matters, so I left matters concerning the Duke to other brothers.”

He seemed to be referring to Brother Makkio.

“Because of that, I didn’t have the leisure to interact with the Duke personally. I’m afraid I can’t give Lady Vansfelt a satisfactory answer.”

Just as Kisa was about to be disappointed, the abbot continued.

“But I can tell you this much. I had anticipated that he would someday leave this place, one way or another. He wasn’t suited to serve God in a monastery for his entire life.”

Having said that, he gazed at the distant mountains outside the window, as if recalling the past.

“Because his eyes were always looking toward some far-off place, not here.”

****

“You’re welcome anytime, please visit again! Next time, I hope Brother Hillan can come with you. Please tell him I would like to see his face after such a long time.”

With Brother Vishius seeing her off, Kisa left St. Pavela Monastery and returned directly to her hotel.

After spending all day walking around the monastery, her body was tired.

While eating dinner delivered to her room again, Kisa quietly considered today’s achievements.

How should she put it? She had learned quite a lot of new information about Seyard, but strangely, she felt more confused than before.

With testimonies from various people mixed together, she felt like she understood even less about what kind of person he was.

At that moment, Lily, who was attending to Kisa’s meal, asked:

“Miss, what are your plans for tomorrow?”

“Well, perhaps I’ll take a look around Bonzmos.”

Though the possibility of gaining information about Seyard seemed slim, having come this far, it seemed a waste to return without trying.

However, the next morning, as Kisa was preparing to go out, a completely unexpected visitor came to see her at the hotel.

“I am Makkio.”

It was Brother Makkio.

 

Chap 79

Old Diary

Kisa was flustered by her unexpected visitor.

When Lily came to tell her that a monk wanted to see her, Kisa thought it might be Brother Vishius on an errand from the abbot.

But Lily shook her head and said it was an elderly monk whom she had never seen before.

Though puzzled, Kisa couldn’t leave her guest waiting outside, so she showed him into the small reception room attached to her quarters.

To her surprise, the monk she’d never met before introduced himself as Brother Makkio.

The very man who was Seyard’s mentor and who had refused Kisa’s request for a meeting just yesterday.

“Ah, I see. Please, have a seat.”

After a moment of confusion, Kisa recovered and offered the elderly monk a comfortable chair.

“Thank you.”

“Would you like some tea?” Lily asked, looking at Kisa.

But before Kisa could ask Brother Makkio if he had any preferences, he spoke up.

“I’d like some lemonade from the general store next to the mill, if that’s all right. Would you mind fetching some for me?”

Lily’s eyes widened momentarily at this specific request, but being an exemplary servant, she didn’t question it.

“Yes, I’ll bring it right away.”

After Lily left, only Kisa and Brother Makkio remained in the room.

Kisa took a moment to study the wrinkled face of the man.

‘So this is Brother Makkio.’

He looked quite different from what she had imagined after hearing about him from the two monks yesterday.

Rather than looking strict and intimidating, he simply appeared to be a somewhat stubborn old man.

In any case, now that he had introduced himself, it was Kisa’s turn to do the same.

“Hello, I’m Kisa Vansfelt. I recently became engaged to Duke Hillan.”

Brother Makkio bowed his head slightly at her words.

“I see. So you are Seyard’s…”

The other monks she had met yesterday had all referred to him as Brother Hillan or the Duke, but Brother Makkio was different.

Perhaps having been his mentor created a closer emotional connection.

Encouraged, Kisa asked the question on her mind.

“You declined my request yesterday. May I ask what changed your mind overnight?”

“I apologize for the inconvenience. I needed some time to think. And I wanted to speak with you privately, if possible.”

Kisa realized that there was more to the monk’s difficult request to Lily than met the eye.

His goal wasn’t the lemonade but to send Lily away.

The general store he mentioned was probably quite far from the hotel.

Her curiosity about why Brother Makkio had sought her out deepened.

“If I may ask, do you have something important to tell me?”

The monk remained silent for a while in response to Kisa’s question.

It was a heavy silence, weighted with the years he had lived.

After a moment, he moved his rough lips.

“I have a favor to ask of you. But before I tell you what it is, I would like to confess one of my past wrongdoings.”

And so began his confession of sin.

“When I first met Seyard Hillan, he was just a small boy. Though he pretended otherwise, he was a poor child wounded by being abandoned by his family and the world.”

An image of his childhood, which Kisa had never seen, naturally formed in her mind.

“I thought I needed to guide the boy onto the right path. That’s where the problem arose. I believed that faith would be the thing to guide Seyard. So even when others told me to leave him be, I forced religion upon him. At the time, I was consumed by self-righteous sense of mission. I believed that although there might be some resistance, it would be for Seyard’s own good.”

He continued in a calm voice.

“Naturally, Seyard became more rebellious as time went on, and because I didn’t want to admit that my beliefs were wrong, I committed an unforgivable sin.”

Brother Makkio suddenly stopped speaking and searched within his robes.

What he placed on the table was an old leather notebook.

“This is Seyard’s diary.”

Kisa’s gaze fixed on the worn notebook.

“I thought there must be some small issue with my teaching that was causing Seyard to go astray. I believed that if I could just identify what it was, I could bring him back to the right path.”

“…So you stole a peek at his diary?”

The old monk nodded weakly.

“To be more precise, I didn’t just peek at it, but confronted Seyard with the contents. Of course, he flew into a rage and condemned me. After that, he completely ignored me. When the abbot realized our discord was not trivial, he assigned Seyard’s education to another monk.”

And then, he said, something remarkable happened.

“Seyard’s transgressions decreased noticeably. Compared to before, he began to follow the monastery’s rules well and even started getting along with the other young monks his age. People said that Seyard, who didn’t fit with my teaching methods, had finally found a suitable mentor. But…”

Kisa found herself asking, “But?”

“To me, it seemed different. Seyard had decided to hide his true self. He had remarkable talent for acting and social maneuvering.”

Brother Makkio’s hand pointed at the table.

“When he was still an immature boy, he at least vented his inner feelings in notebooks like this, but as he grew up, even that seemed unnecessary. Not long after, many in the monastery considered Seyard to be honest and interesting, if not always proper in his conduct.”

“…”

“By the time I realized my mistake, my relationship with Seyard was already completely severed. I tried to talk to him in my own way, but he firmly refused. I thought about returning this notebook, but in the end, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Even when people from the duke’s family came to collect Seyard’s personal belongings, I couldn’t bear to hand it over.”

After pausing briefly, he spoke with difficulty.

“Because this was also evidence of my sin.”

****

“Oh my?”

Returning to Kisa’s room, Lily tilted her head in confusion when she saw Kisa sitting alone in the reception room.

“Miss, where is Brother Makkio?”

On her tray were a glass of lemonade and a cup of tea.

“…He finished his business and left.”

“What? I went all the way to get this lemonade!”

“I think he remembered an urgent matter. He asked me to tell you he was sorry.”

“Well, it can’t be helped. But Miss, why did he suddenly come today?”

“Hm?”

“I mean, he refused your request yesterday, didn’t he?”

“Well, I’m not sure either. Perhaps he changed his mind overnight. After thinking it over, he probably wanted to meet his disciple’s fiancée and hear about his disciple after all.”

“I see. Did you have a good conversation?”

“Yes, we did.”

Kisa recalled the face of the old monk who only revealed his request just before they parted.

[Please, return this notebook to Seyard. I believe I can entrust it to you, the one he has chosen.]

When Kisa asked if he had any other message, he silently shook his head.

As if he felt he had no right to leave one.

Kisa stared at the handbag beside her.

Inside that bag was the evidence of sin left by Brother Makkio.

“…”

As Kisa glared at her handbag with complicated emotions that were difficult to express, Lily, who had approached without her noticing, spoke up.

“So are you postponing your outing?”

“What?”

“You were planning to explore Bonzmos today. I was wondering if you’re changing your schedule.”

Oh dear, she had completely forgotten due to Brother Makkio’s sudden appearance.

Kisa had intended to say she would change her plans.

She wanted more time to think about Seyard’s past that Brother Makkio had revealed and the notebook now in her handbag.

But for some reason, the moment she saw Lily’s clear eyes, she couldn’t bring herself to say it.

“Miss?”

Brother Makkio had gone to the trouble of sending Lily out of the room with the lemonade errand.

Lily was Seyard’s person.

“No, we’ll go as planned.”

The words flowed from Kisa’s mouth before she realized it.

“There’s no point in staying here now that our visitor has left. Let’s go out and look around town.”

“Yes, I’ll get ready right away!”

Lily responded with a bright face.

After touring various parts of Bonzmos, Kisa returned to the hotel even before sunset.

This was because Bonzmos was such a small and ordinary town that there wasn’t much to see.

Still, thanks to Seyard’s donations, the town was vibrant, and there were quite a few people who appeared to be outsiders.

However, Kisa, with her splendid appearance, attracted attention wherever she went.

After an early dinner, she sent Lily away, saying she would go to bed early.

Then she took out the old notebook from the handbag she had been carrying all day.

Swallowing hard, Kisa contemplated the question that had dominated her thoughts all day.

Should she check the contents of this notebook?

Considering the reason she had come all this way, she certainly should.

But remembering the old monk who had confessed that stealing a look at this was his sin made her hesitate.

Common sense dictated that reading someone else’s diary without permission was clearly wrong.

‘Let me think about it some more.’

In the end, Kisa put the notebook down on the table without choosing either option.

Or rather, she tried to put it down.

But her hands trembled so much that she dropped it on the floor.

Thud!

The impact caused the notebook to fall open.

Kisa, as if entranced, read the words revealed on the white page:

-[Since coming here, there hasn’t been a single day when I haven’t thought about death.]

 

Chap 80

A Frightening Yet Pitiful Man

Death. At that ominous word, Kisa sharply drew in her breath.

She should have simply picked up the notebook, but without realizing why, she knelt on the floor and covered it with her hands.

Death. Mother’s death. The cat’s death.

The deaths of those who had been close to Kisa throughout her life flashed through her mind in succession.

Fear overwhelmed her—the fear of having seen something she shouldn’t have.

How foolish! Just hours after hearing a monk’s confession, she was about to make the same mistake.

‘No, it’s not too late yet.’

Let’s pretend I didn’t see it.

Close the notebook, erase that sentence from memory, and return to the capital.

Then, when she meets Seyard, she would return this, saying it was something Brother Makkio had asked her to deliver to him.

That would be the end of it. She made a slight mistake, but she could still end this in a relatively innocent state.

That surely must be the right answer.

Brother Makkio must have confessed his sins in detail and entrusted the notebook to Kisa as a lesson not to pry into others’ secrets.

Mentally repeating that this was the right thing to do, Kisa tried to put her plan into action.

But strangely, her hands wouldn’t move.

Her hands remained firmly attached to the notebook, refusing to let go.

A doubt suddenly arose.

‘Is that really true?’

Why had Brother Makkio specifically entrusted this notebook to Kisa?

To Kisa, who had been asking around about Seyard.

As if throwing her an answer.

If he had wanted to, couldn’t he have found many ways to return the diary to his former disciple without going through Kisa?

For example, couldn’t he simply leave the monastery, go to the capital, visit the Duke of Hillan’s residence, meet Seyard, and hand it over?

If Seyard refused to meet him, couldn’t he ask Gilliam to deliver it?

Though it would still involve a third party, wouldn’t a servant who had devoted his entire life to the ducal family be more trustworthy than the fiancée of a disciple he had only known for a few months?

‘Perhaps…’

What Brother Makkio intended to convey to Kisa through this notebook might not be a lesson but something else.

Perhaps the actual answer.

Something that would reveal who Seyard really was.

But Kisa soon shook her head.

That was too sensitive a thought.

If he truly wanted to give Kisa the answer, couldn’t he just have told her honestly?

Let’s understand the facts as they are.

Brother Makkio had simply confessed his sin and entrusted the notebook to Kisa.

But just as her heart began to lean one way, something else sprang up on the opposite side.

‘Would Brother Makkio have trusted my conscience?’

Even he, whom all the monastery monks unanimously praised as excellent, couldn’t resist temptation and had read someone else’s diary.

Wouldn’t he have anticipated that someone like Kisa would naturally succumb to temptation and handed over the notebook?

Ah, I really don’t know!

Kisa struggled intensely for a while, trying to determine what the answer was, but soon realized this wasn’t a matter of finding the right answer.

She wasn’t looking for the correct answer but was conflicted between her desire to read Seyard’s diary and her desire to remain innocent.

Brother Makkio’s true intentions were merely an excuse to rationalize her own desires.

So Kisa deliberated on which of the two desires she should choose.

After a long while, one side finally won.

Curiosity was the victor.

Very slowly, Kisa moved her hands away from the notebook.

[Since coming here, there hadn’t been a single day when I hadn’t thought about death.]

That sentence remained exactly as she had first seen it, without a single change.

She wanted to apologize to Seyard, but that would be nothing more than deception.

With a burning thirst, Kisa lowered her gaze. Several more sentences followed.

[It was also my own death, but mostly the deaths of others.

The death of Brother Makkio, who imposed his distorted faith.

The death of the abbot, obsessed only with the money from the Hillan family.

The death of the arrogant and stupid Cobi.

Death upon death…

But even those are minor compared to the deaths of those who threw me into this filthy place.

The deaths of parents who, as parents, abandoned their child, fooled by worthless superstitions.

The deaths of relatives who don’t know their place and cause trouble.

The deaths of servants who forcibly dragged a child out of his room yet looked sympathetic.

And the death of my brother, Vischer.]

With trembling hands, Kisa turned the page.

Though it didn’t seem to continue directly, similar sentiments followed.

[I think about you every day, Vischer.

We have the same face, the same build, the same abilities.

Why do you have everything while I have nothing?

Just because you were born a few minutes earlier than me?

Because I’m the seed of misfortune according to that ridiculous superstition?

While I’m locked up here suffering, you’ll naturally be the proud son of our parents.

Naturally receiving the service of servants.

Naturally going wherever you want.

Naturally eating quality food.

Naturally receiving education as the heir.

Naturally inheriting the position of duke.

Naturally owning vast wealth.

Naturally marrying and forming a family.

Naturally not feeling particularly grateful for all that you have.

Because you’ve had those rights from the beginning and will continue to have them.]

Kisa turned one more page.

[I will never accept this.

So I’ll take it all away.

Everything you have.

No, even the things you don’t have.]

There were a few more sentences, but most were heavily crossed out with black ink, making the content unreadable.

Only two sentences remained legible.

[The things you wanted but couldn’t have.

I’ll have them all.]

After staring blankly at these two sentences for a moment, Kisa quickly turned the page.

However, almost all the remaining pages were blank, or only had simple curses or a few names that had appeared earlier.

After checking the contents several times,

Kisa closed Seyard’s diary.

She was simply exhausted.

****

The next day, Kisa woke up, tossed in bed for a while, then reluctantly got up.

There was no reason to stay here any longer.

She told Lily to prepare for their return to the capital.

Since they had already fulfilled the purpose of coming here—visiting the monastery—Lily followed Kisa’s orders without any particular response.

The return journey passed more quickly than expected.

Already they were back in the capital.

The Hillan ducal carriage dropped Kisa off at the Vansfelt mansion.

Returning home after a long time, Kisa collapsed into bed and fell asleep.

She slept for almost two straight days.

Half-asleep, she heard her nanny murmuring that she must have accumulated fatigue from traveling.

Even after waking up, she still felt drained of energy.

Using rest as an excuse, Kisa wasted time idling in her room.

Then one day, someone came from the Hillan ducal residence.

Seyard, who had gone down to the estate, was due to return to the capital.

Reading his brief letter inviting her to dinner on the day of his return, Kisa fell into thought.

Time passed quickly, and the day of his arrival in the capital came.

The Hillan ducal carriage arrived to pick her up at the appointed time, and she boarded it, heading toward the now familiar place.

The servants of the ducal residence guided her not to the dining room or reception room, but to the duke’s bedroom.

It was the first time this had happened, but Kisa followed them quietly without expressing any doubt.

When she finally opened the door and entered Seyard’s bedroom.

“Welcome, Kisa.”

Seyard, wearing comfortable indoor clothes with his hair still slightly damp as if he had just washed it, greeted her.

“This is your first time here, isn’t it? I had been thinking I should invite you sometime.”

Upon seeing him, Kisa came to a sudden halt.

The anxiety that had been dormant within her for the past few days began to surge.

Since reading his diary, she had been struggling with how to process it.

In one sense, it seemed like a terrifying record filled with long-held grudges and murderous intent, but in another sense, it seemed like the screams of an adolescent boy who had endured trials too difficult to bear on his own.

Seyard seemed both frightening and pitiful.

“Is something wrong?”

Looking at the man who was worriedly examining her strange reaction, Kisa became desperately curious.

Did he still harbor those feelings from that day?

Or, as he had said before, had he resolved the past and was living a new life?

She barely moved her lips.

“Um, Seyard.”

“Yes, go on.”

But no words would come out.

She had no idea how to begin the conversation.

Seyard wrapped his hands around her trembling shoulders as if to comfort her.

“Oh dear, I had something important to tell you today, but it seems I’ll have to postpone it.”

“What?”

Only after reflexively asking did Kisa remember what had happened before she left for Bonzmos.

[Kisa, I have something important to tell you the next time we meet.]

Ah, that’s right. That had happened.

She had completely erased it from her memory.

Feeling sorry about that fact, Kisa shook her head.

“No, tell me now.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I want to hear it now.”

In truth, she wanted to calm her racing emotions by listening to his composed voice.

If she could do that, Kisa thought she might naturally be able to confess about the diary and ask him honestly.

Are you still trapped in the past?

“What is this important thing you need to tell me?”

“Kisa.”

His reddish-brown eyes gazed directly at her.

His well-shaped lips parted.

“I love you.”

Before Kisa could comprehend the meaning of those words, the face before her slowly approached.

And something soft touched her lips.

Only after some time passed did Kisa realize that she was kissing him.