Kill That Transmigrator Woman - Chapter 39

Chapter 39: She Doesn’t Want To

After accompanying the Empress Dowager for breakfast, Cui Wanwan touched her now round and full belly and let out a faint sigh.

From the looks of it, days like this were probably going to continue from now on.

The Empress Dowager no longer allowed her to call her “Empress Dowager,” insisting she address her as “Grandmother,” just as she did the day before.

Since it was the elder’s wish, Cui Wanwan naturally wouldn’t refuse.

The Empress Dowager had always liked sunbathing, and now she still did.

Only now, there was a young girl lying across her lap.

Cui Wanwan’s head rested lightly on the Empress Dowager’s knees, her nose filled with the faint fragrance of plum blossoms, and her ears listening to the Empress Dowager’s gentle, flowing voice.

Once people grow old, they tend to enjoy reminiscing about the past.

The Empress Dowager was no exception.

She gently patted Cui Wanwan’s back, one pat after another, like tapping a soft rhythm, slowly recounting her own memories of life as a young lady.

She spoke of how, as a child, she disliked studying and would sneak out to play, only to be dragged home by her father by the ear and thoroughly beaten.

“Back then, I was even younger than you, tough as nails. No matter how hard my father beat me, I’d still hold my neck up in defiance,” the Empress Dowager lightly stroked the girl’s soft, rosy cheek, and continued slowly, “At that time, I didn’t understand. I always thought reading was the most painful thing in the world, even worse than death. But looking back now, I regret it. If I had read more books, had more knowledge in my head, then when the inner palace was full of scheming and conflict, I wouldn’t have foolishly taken the insults from my enemies as praise. Wanwan, you don’t know, but when I was young, I suffered many losses due to my ignorance. People would insult me, and I thought they were complimenting me in clever ways. I lost face more times than I can count.”

“There were no sisters in my family, only two older brothers. My parents loved me, but compared to honor and power, that bit of affection and care was nothing at all. My maiden family, seeking influence and favor from the royal court, sent me into the palace.”

The Empress Dowager’s thoughts drifted far, far away, even to a figure in her memory, an extremely blurry memory, an extremely blurry face. She could no longer even remember what he looked like, but she still remembered his voice.

“Before entering the palace, I thought I’d grow old with someone, spend a lifetime never separated. But in the end, I couldn’t withstand the pressure from my family. The day before I entered the palace, I… said farewell to him, a dear old friend. We gave each other our blessings, hoping for peace and smooth paths in the future. That was the last time I saw him.”

At this point, the Empress Dowager paused.

Cui Wanwan, somewhat engrossed in the story, shifted her head slightly and took the initiative to ask, “And after that? Did Grandmother and your childhood friend both live well?”

The Empress Dowager smiled with serene acceptance. “After that, I never saw him again. I only heard by chance that he got married, established a household, moved away from the capital, had several children with his wife, and lived in harmony with mutual understanding.”

Later, his children had children of their own, and he had a house full of descendants.

Just a few years ago, he quietly closed his eyes in his sleep and never woke again.

When news reached the capital, she had only calmly nodded her head.

“Then was he someone Grandma liked when she was a young girl?” Such words, only now that the late emperor was gone did Cui Wanwan dare to speak so brazenly.

The Empress Dowager didn’t blame her for her lack of propriety, and answered every question: “The budding affection of youth—Wanwan will experience it one day too.”

Of course she had liked him, otherwise she wouldn’t have cried so bitterly the day she learned she was to enter the palace.

Only, time always scatters everything.

“I do not regret entering the palace. If I had to live it all over again, I would still choose to enter the palace.” The Empress Dowager held her hand, looked into Cui Wanwan’s eyes, and said earnestly, “Wanwan, you too must never do things you’ll regret. Follow your heart, no matter what the outcome, no matter what consequences, this life is meant to be lived wholeheartedly.”

She had once liked that boy from her youth, but the one who truly occupied her heart later was the late emperor, and the man who hurt her most deeply was also the late emperor.

“Wanwan, don’t fall in love with the Son of Heaven. People change, especially a man’s vows of eternal love. No matter how sweet the promises, they can’t withstand the erosion of time. A man’s mouth is full of lies.” As she spoke, the Empress Dowager slowly brought the conversation back to Cui Wanwan.

She gently patted the back of Wanwan’s hand and continued, “When a man says he loves you, don’t just listen to his words, watch what he does. If you don’t want to be deceived, don’t rely on your ears; rely on your eyes, rely on your heart to feel it.”

The late emperor did love her, otherwise he wouldn’t have made her empress, or established her son as the crown prince.

But hadn’t he also wronged her deeply?
Hadn’t he let her suffer countless grievances?

On the seventh day after her child’s death, the late emperor was still lying on the favored consort’s bed, gently coaxing that venomous woman with sweet words.

And yet only a few years later, that very consort was personally given a cup of poisoned wine by his own hand.

That consort’s father and brothers died in vain, with no one left to appeal their case.

What is love?

Love is weighing pros and cons. Love is the coexistence of sincerity and selfishness. In short, the human heart is complicated.

The Empress Dowager had lived most of her life already. She had long since seen through much of the world. Her heart had withered like an old tree. It was only after meeting this little girl that it began to sprout a trace of life again.

“Wanwan, do you want to marry into the royal family?” the Empress Dowager asked.

Cui Wanwan thought for a moment. Her brows furrowed slightly and she shook her head. “I don’t know. They say I was born carrying the honor and mission of my family.”

She had been told from a young age that she must study palace etiquette, the classics, the Four Arts—qin, chess, calligraphy, and painting, better than anyone, because she was destined to marry into the royal family.

In both her past life and this one, she had never forgotten that.

“That’s different, Wanwan. What I’m asking is: do you want to? Not whether you must.”

This was the first time anyone had ever asked her what she actually wanted.

She was silent for a long time.

The Empress Dowager softly said, “If Wanwan wishes to enter the palace, I promise you will be the future Empress of Northern Lin. And if Wanwan doesn’t wish to, I will prepare for you the best path there is.”

It was clear, what the Empress Dowager was asking her, was this: if you desire wealth and splendor, I will grant you the most exalted position a woman can have in this world.

If she did not want to, the Empress Dowager could also keep her from entering the royal family, freeing her from the fate of being a royal consort.

At last, after a long silence, Cui Wanwan lifted her head, looked into the Empress Dowager’s eyes, and said word by word: “I don’t want to.”

“I want freedom. I want a life that’s not controlled by others. It’s not necessary to have a good man by my side, even if I live alone, I still want to live well.”