Pretend to be crazy - Chapter 79

Ruan Zhixian didn’t think Shen Yan liked him.

But now Shen Yan was lying next to him, looking relaxed with soft features, which made him uncertain.

Everything had happened too fast.

After he said that one word, Shen Yan kissed him again as a reward. After the kiss, he asked if they should do it.

He wanted to refuse. It was a trap. Stepping in meant being led around by the nose.

But…

Shen Yan touched him and whispered in his ear that he liked him, wanted to do it, wanted him to leave marks all over him, to go deep inside, to come in him, to have his baby.

Shen Yan wasn’t confused about his gender, nor did he actually believe he could get pregnant. He just remembered the twisted fetish Ruan Zhixian had once shared with him, so he said it.

Shen Yan remembered.

Ruan Zhixian was someone who thought constantly, his mind full of logic and analysis. He’d already listed out the reasons for liking Shen Yan in a one-two-three-four-five-six kind of way. He could’ve written a hundred-thousand-word thesis on it.

But in that moment, his mind went blank. He couldn’t resist at all. He was seduced like some primitive animal in heat, knowing only how to mate.

Only after Shen Yan had fallen asleep did some of his rationality return.

There weren’t many things in his life that he feared. Shen Yan was one of them.

To the point that now, he didn’t dare get too close. There was a person’s width of space between them on the bed.

Only his arm was stretched out, and his fingertips accidentally touched a strand of his hair scattered on the pillow.

Even just that tiny bit of contact was enough.

Ruan Zhixian pulled his gaze off Shen Yan’s face with difficulty.

Shen Yan didn’t love him—and by all accounts, shouldn’t.

A week ago, he almost strangled him to death; two weeks ago, he’d brought people who harbored deep malice toward Shen Yan to Red Star, shattered his peaceful life, and locked him up. A year and a half ago, he contacted Red Star’s labs and had them make a bionic replica of Zhou Hui, placing it beside Shen Yan just to remind him he hadn’t truly escaped.

What happened on Black Star didn’t even need mentioning. In the beginning, he treated Shen Yan as just an interesting observation subject, a toy. As soon as he didn’t meet his expectations, killing intent would arise.

Even when he later genuinely developed feelings, he never intended for Shen Yan to live comfortably.

He believed he was most interesting and most attractive when in danger.

So when he decided to bring Shen Yan back to Zone One, he prepared a lot of little “surprises” for him.

He thought Shen Yan would like them.

The old him thought so.

But later, watching Shen Yan on Red Star, protected by law and order, living safely and peacefully every day…

That seemed good too.

Yet he felt… dissatisfied.

That kind of Shen Yan and himself were people from two entirely different worlds.

When Shen Yan was watering flowers, going for walks, or gaming with friends—he was fighting in blood-soaked chaos on Black Star.

Every action he took could cost tens of thousands of lives. One mistake, and he’d fall from ten thousand meters up, shattered and beyond salvation.

Shen Yan started it.

He was supposed to be with him.

But he ran away.

And because of that, all those things that should’ve been thrilling became strange, empty, and meaningless.

Everything he did after was just chasing that dangling carrot in front of him.

Getting to Red Star wasn’t hard. But if he wanted real power there—enough to control Shen Yan—he had to work harder.

Shen Yan lied to him, so he had to give him a little punishment.

He wanted to see the real Shen Yan—wanted to make him angry, in pain, wanted him gnashing his teeth, sleepless at night, scheming desperately to win his freedom—even if it meant killing him.

Or escaping again. As long as Shen Yan was alive, he would always find him.

That’s how they were.

He wanted to pull him back into the chaos, to stay entangled for a lifetime.

He didn’t succeed.

Ruan Zhixian turned to look at him.

At some point, Shen Yan had woken up. Just like him, he was lying there with his eyes open, staring at the ceiling.

Sensing that Ruan Zhixian had come out of his thoughts, he moved—rolled over, held the hand near his head, and kissed his knuckles.

Ruan Zhixian said, “I was thinking about you.”

“What were you thinking?”

“You don’t love me. Confessing to me was just your calculated decision. You think that by calling me your lover, I’ll play by your rules and live a calm life like you.”

His expression was cold. “You don’t love me. Your feelings can’t withstand any test. You’ll regret this.”

Shen Yan sighed, scooted over, rested his head on Ruan Zhixian’s shoulder, and hugged his stiff body like a cuddle pillow.

“Then are you going to break up with me?”

Ruan Zhixian’s heart skipped a beat. He narrowed his eyes dangerously. “Break up?”

Shen Yan didn’t answer right away. His eyelashes lowered slightly, gaze empty.

One second, two, three…

By the fifth second, Ruan Zhixian couldn’t take it anymore. He flipped over and pinned him underneath him, grabbed his head so he had to look at him. His eyes were deep and slightly vicious—maybe even he didn’t realize it himself.

“You already regret it?”

In the darkness, Ruan Zhixian looked intimidating. His cold face was enough to scare anyone. But Shen Yan wasn’t afraid at all.

He hooked an arm around his neck, looked at him seriously, and said calmly:

“Ruan Zhixian, I might not love you that much. But I also don’t think I’ll love anyone else more.”

Ruan Zhixian stayed hard-faced. “Not necessarily.”

Shen Yan leaned up for a kiss. Before he could go for a second, Ruan Zhixian held his jaw and pressed him back into the pillow. He warned expressionlessly, “Don’t kiss me right now.”

Shen Yan chuckled. Warm air passed through Ruan Zhixian’s fingers. It tickled.

He easily pried Ruan Zhixian’s hand away and teased, “You’re so difficult. Before we got together, you were always kissing me, made my lips swell up. Now we’re dating, and I’m not allowed?”

Ruan Zhixian stared at him for a moment—then gave in and kissed him hard.

They kissed quickly, twice. Then Ruan Zhixian stopped, stared into Shen Yan’s eyes.

Shen Yan didn’t push more. He sighed, closed his eyes briefly, then opened them again and said seriously:

“Yeah, I had all those reasons when I chose to be with you. I won’t regret it. I’m very satisfied with my decision.”

“Before you get tired of me and dump me, I’ll be a good boyfriend. I’ll maintain our relationship in my own way. And maybe… I really will fall in love with you.”

He looked at Ruan Zhixian. His eyes glowed soft and warm.

“This is the best ending I can imagine.”

“What do you think?”

Ruan Zhixian said nothing, just pressed down over him, resting his forehead in his neck. Then suddenly, like a maniac, he bit into Shen Yan’s shoulder—hard.

Shen Yan thought he drew blood. He clicked his tongue, grabbed Ruan Zhixian’s hair to pull him off, but couldn’t move him.

Eventually, the wound was covered by Ruan Zhixian’s damp lips. Only then did Shen Yan let go.

He patted his head. “Hey, you still haven’t said if it’s okay.”

Ruan Zhixian: “You’re not allowed to kiss anyone else. Not allowed to flirt. You have to report where you go, who you see, what you say. Can’t be away from me for more than fifteen days. Every year, you have to spend three to five months with me on Black Star.”

Shen Yan: “If you’re okay with it, I’m okay with it.”

Ruan Zhixian: “Okay.”

Shen Yan repeated: “Okay.”

Then he suddenly felt embarrassed. He’d never been in a relationship before, never said such mushy stuff. The embarrassment hit late but hard.

Good thing it was dark.

He awkwardly shoved Ruan Zhixian to the side, pulled the blanket over them sloppily, and mumbled, “Sleep. I’m exhausted.”

He didn’t really sleep. His mind was hyperactive, full of flashing images. His eyes were closed, but his brain wouldn’t shut off.

The other person wasn’t planning to sleep either.

He slipped into Shen Yan’s blanket and whispered gently, “bro, are you asleep?”

Shen Yan: “Yeah.”

Ruan Zhixian slid down under the covers.

Little Shen Yan, who hadn’t had much rest at home yet, was once again dragged out by force.

Little Shen Yan and Little Ruan played for a long time. No strength left. Sluggish, low energy.

Ruan Zhixian kissed Little Shen Yan.

Shen Yan: “We’re not doing it.”

Ruan Zhixian blew softly on him and laughed lightly.

“Talking in your sleep. Not listening.”