Saint's Prison - Chapter 101

Depending on someone, being depended on

Every time you smiled at me, my heart was filled with blessings. The sunlight dozed tenderly, and the sky was clear as far as the eye could see.

Surrounded by white flowers, I dreamed of a promised future.

But eventually, the flowers scattered, and you left this place.

Despair summoned the darkness, and I could see nothing more.

The nightmare of your absence arrived.

I hummed a song of grief, yearning for the arrival of spring.

Here, I keep the withered flower crown and your last words.

Until you return once more.

Until you smile at me again.

…I will always be waiting for you.

***

“Hey, Johanna. What kind of dreams have you had lately?”

As we walked together on the path leading to the monastery, I casually asked Johanna. She stopped, staring at me with a puzzled look.

“…Why do you ask, all of a sudden?”

“No reason.”

I see, Johanna said, placing her hand on her chin and narrowing her eyes.

It was a gesture that seemed somewhat hesitant. After a brief silence, I heard her let out a small sigh.

“…I had a nightmare.”

“A nightmare?”

“Blazing flames. Smoke obstructing the view. The voices of people calling for help. And then—”

She stopped there, closing her mouth. After a pause, she smiled vaguely. It was an unnaturally forced smile, but I didn’t have the leeway to point it out. Because that dream was unmistakably similar to a nightmare I had before. A chill ran down my spine.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

I pressed my right hand over my heart as it pulsed, as if yearning for something, trying to calm it.

“Even if it was a nightmare, it’s just a dream, so there’s no problem.”

“Yeah, if that’s the case… then it’s fine.”

“Yes. I’m alright.”

Johanna answered nonchalantly.

I must have looked pitiful. She looked at me and chuckled wryly, repeating that she was alright.

(…Pathetic, me.)

Because, I’m always being worried over and comforted by Johanna.

I want to be of help to her; that’s all I want. Yet, I’m unable to do even just that. I felt sick with my own incompetence.

“…Haha, that’s very like you.”

Johanna murmured as if savoring the words, then nodded with a smile.

“What do you mean?”

“You don’t look after yourself, worrying over others, suffering for others, struggling for others. It’s so awkward and clumsy that it’s laughable… But, it’s very like you.”

“Is that supposed to be a compliment?”

I was silently patted on the head.

A gentle touch, as if comforting a child.

“Johanna, you’re definitely treating me like a child. I’m, after all, a little older than you.”

“Yes, of course I’m aware of that. That’s exactly why I’m doing this. Adults can’t always honestly ask for pampering, can they?”

Hearing those words, I felt an inexplicable urge to cry.

“…You’re being kind today.”

“Such days should naturally occur.”

“If it were like this every day, I’d have no complaints.”

“Unlike God’s love, my kindness is finite.”

“Johanna’s kindness is finite…?”

“Yes, no matter how much humans struggle, they can’t become infinite. It’s because we are finite that we can truly be human.”

“Then, try to conserve it as much as possible.”

“If that is what you wish.”

Johanna’s kindness might be finite, but it’s deeper than anyone else’s. Ah, we’re both equally awkward and clumsy. A smile spontaneously spread across my face.

(No, this is no time to smile. I need to act more like an elder, to be firm. Johanna, Amal, and even though Vector is different, they always try to coddle me.)

I slapped my cheeks lightly, straightening out my weak spirit. I put on a serious face, fitting for an older person. It’s important to maintain dignity when dealing with others.

“Johanna, you can rely on me more. Rather, please do rely on me.”

“I believe I rely on you plenty…”

“That’s a lie, isn’t it? Is this enough for you? You’re used to being relied on, but not to relying on others, right?”

Johanna’s eyes widened in surprise, and she froze for a few seconds. Then, with a light sigh, she looked up at me with uncertainty. I felt like this was the first time I’d seen her so unsure of herself.

“…That might be the case. Because… you’re the first person to ever step into my life so much, perhaps?”

“No, why are you asking me like it’s a question? I wouldn’t know… Well, but if that’s the case, I’d be happy, I guess.”

With a relaxed expression, Johanna stopped in her tracks.

“Johanna?”

“You… are unfair.”

“No way, there was nothing unfair in our conversation just now!”

“Hmph, that’s exactly the point, you fool.”

“Why?!”

My pained cry was swallowed by the blue sky and vanished.