Saint's Prison - Chapter 130

Hidden Feelings

If I had been just an ordinary woman, what kind of life would I have led?

I think about such things.

As a village girl who never held a sword.

I would probably spend my days doing housework to support my family, spinning threads in my spare time, and living a life without any excitement. Then, when I come of age, I would participate in the village festival, marry the man I danced with there.

In time, children would be born between us, and even if sleepless nights continued, I would love my child, whom I brought into this world with my own pain. And, I would stay close to my husband, watching our children grow.

Time would pass, and in the end, I would quietly depart, surrounded by my family.

A life of an ordinary woman that can be found anywhere.

It might be uninteresting. It might be a poor and painful life. But that’s okay. That’s fine. Happiness is born from those days.

“…An ordinary life, huh?”

I open my palm.

My palm, which has been swinging a sword since childhood and has become stiff, appears in my view. A clumsy hand without a trace of femininity. Ah, this is reality. I am definitely leading a life far from ordinary.

Even in the end, I won’t be able to welcome it quietly.

“But, it’s okay to dream, right? Even more so if it’s my only consolation.”

If I had been just an ordinary woman―――

“―――I want to fall in love.”

A dream that will never come true.

“Innocently, purely, without looking away, like an ordinary village girl.”

A dream that I have no intention of fulfilling.

That’s why I’m allowed to dream.

“I’m satisfied with that. Yes… this is enough.”

I keep that single ego dream in my heart.

Until everything is over.

＊＊＊

I enter the monastery and let out a sigh of relief. After a beat, I send a glance to Johanna, who is standing next to me. Johanna notices my gaze and gives a soft smile.

“Kuro-dono, you must be tired, right? You should go back to your room early today.”

Her gentle voice. That voice resonates deep in my heart, which had almost lost its sanity. Johanna always helps me. That’s why I wonder.

“Why do you always help me, Johanna?”

“――――――――”

She freezes.

“Johanna?”

Even though she’s breathing, I’m worried. I lean in to look at her face and wave my hand in front of her.

“Hey, Johanna. Are you okay? Are you alive?”

The moment I say that, she grabs my hand. Scary!?

“Why would you suddenly ask that? I don’t understand the meaning of it without any strategy!”

“Hey, calm down! Please!”

“I am calm.”

People who aren’t calm always say that. I swallow those words and raise one hand lightly.

After a few minutes of silence, Johanna whispers softly.

“…Is a reason necessary?”

“It’s not, but I’m just curious. I’m always being helped by you.”

“It doesn’t matter! You don’t need to worry about it!”

“Uh, sorry.”

I was bluntly told and involuntarily hung my head.

“Ah, um, that’s not it. I’m not angry or anything like that…”

Perhaps misunderstanding that I was depressed because of her strong tone, Johanna became flustered.

“Really, you don’t need to worry about it… I think.”

From her trembling fingertips, I could tell she was still struggling with her thoughts.

“The reason I wanted to help you is my ego. So you don’t have to worry about it.”

“…Johanna’s ego?”

Johanna nods slightly. Then, once again, she mutters, “It’s my ego.” It sounded like she was trying to convince herself.

“Well, you should go back to your room now. I have some errands to run, so let’s part here.”

“Ah, yeah.”

She gently, sadly, smiles. I feel an unbearable unease in that smile. Please, stop. Don’t smile like that. Don’t smile with a face that looks like it’s about to cry.

“Johanna… you.”

“Kuro-dono.”

She interrupts my words, and gently strokes the rosary hanging from my neck.

“Kuro-dono, never take off this rosary. It’s the fortress that protects you. You have that person with you. But even that is not absolute. What happened earlier could still happen again. …That’s why I want you to cherish this rosary.”

“Fortress… Johanna, wait!”

“――Kuro-dono, I’m leaving now.”

“Johanna!”

My outstretched hand doesn’t reach Johanna. I stare blankly at her retreating back. …There was nothing I could do.