Saint's Prison - Chapter 83

The First Time I Knew

Prayer seeks forgiveness.

Yet, forgiveness does not seek prayer.

It only seeks atonement.

***

I left the priest’s room and continued walking.

What did Father Benedict mean by his words earlier?

I felt a vague chill in his expression and actions.

Is it just my overthinking? Moreover, it’s troubling that he allowed me to stay so quickly without fully explaining my background and situation.

It’s amazing that he would accept someone whose identity is unknown with just that much conversation.

I pondered for a few minutes.

But nothing came to mind. In the first place, there was not enough information. There was no firm basis for judgment.

(…There’s no use thinking about it anymore.)

I threw it away in my heart as if to deceive myself. If there’s no answer, then worrying is a waste of time. More than anything, I don’t want to doubt people’s kindness. I shook my head and changed my mind.

(Should I take a stroll and pass the time…?)

I was told not to approach the chapel, so I’ll look at other places. I muttered so. But I felt a snag in my heart. …The reason is clear.

I had promised Amal.

I told her that after talking to the priest, I would come back.

But Father Benedict, the head of this monastery, told me not to go near the chapel. So it can’t be helped. I’ll tell Amal the reason why I couldn’t see her later.

(…Is that really okay?)

Somehow.

I really just thought so.

Amal’s smiling face flashed through my mind. Her hands clasped together as if in prayer. The voice that prayed for my forgiveness.

I roughly scratched my head.

It was decided. From the beginning, I knew what I wanted to do. That feeling couldn’t be changed by anyone. So, I should follow it.

More than anything, I felt that I had to go see Amal here. If I didn’t, I felt like I would lose something important.

“…It’s just a little visit.”

I muttered, making excuses.

No one was listening. Only I knew what I was doing. So, there was no one to condemn me. Taking advantage of that, I walked towards the chapel.

***

I opened the door to the chapel, and there was Amal, kneeling on the stone floor, offering her prayers. Not knowing if it was alright to call out to her, I just stared at her.

After a while, she seemed to sense my presence and turned her head back. And when our eyes met, her eyes wavered in confusion.

Amal opened and closed her mouth, trying to form words. Seeing her desperate appearance, I couldn’t help but soften my gaze. I decided to quietly wait for her to speak.

After a few dozen seconds, Amal spoke in a frightened manner.

“…You really…”

“Hm, what’s up?”

She tilted her head.

Amal saw that and narrowed her eyes.

“You really came.”

“I told you, didn’t I? After I went to see the priest, I’d come back. …Besides, if Amal hadn’t told me the way to the priest’s room, I would have definitely gotten lost. …So, thank you. I wanted to tell you that too.”

Was it wrong? I smiled gently.

“…Andy-sama.”

Amal called my name. Then, as if to check her heartbeat, she pressed her hand against her chest.

“…Andy-sama.”

“Hey, Amal. What’s wrong?”

“…It hurts.”

She gasped for air, taking shallow breaths. This is not normal. I hurriedly ran to Amal.

“Amal, are you alright?!”

“No, it’s not that…”

Amal shook her head weakly. What’s wrong then? I asked gently.

“I don’t know this feeling. My chest is trembling, and it hurts. Even though it’s so painful, strangely, I don’t hate it.”

Amal muttered as if questioning herself. Seeing her desperate appearance, I couldn’t help but stare at her while waiting for her to continue speaking.

Amal was smiling.

Her smile was as beautiful and pure as a blooming flower. I couldn’t help but be captivated by it.

This pain was not a physical one, but rather an issue of the heart. And it wasn’t coming from sadness or suffering, but from another cause entirely.

“Hey, Amal. Correct me if I’m wrong, but… are you happy?”

“…Happy? Am I, happy? …Ah. Ah, that’s right. That’s how it was. Hehe. We… no, I, Amal, am happy. Very, very, very, very happy. That’s why it hurts. That’s why it’s so painful.”

“…Amal?”

“Surely, ah, this is――”

――What they call happiness.

She spoke in a tone that suggested she was experiencing it for the first time.

Those words were so sad that all I could do was gaze at Amal.

Why did my simple words make Amal feel happiness? What kind of life had she led so far?

I hardly know the person named Amal. After all, I only met her for the first time today, so it can’t be helped.

Yet, I couldn’t leave her alone. Even now, I felt that I wanted to protect her.