The Correct Japanese Terms of Homestay Seems to Be Marriage - Chapter 13

Regret

Before I knew it, I had started calling her “Master.” She told me to call her that, but I wonder if that was right.

Master started playing basketball in high school, influenced by manga, and her passion for it was tremendous.

Fun, love—those feelings are the most important, Master made me realize.

No matter how slow her progress, Master never gave up and continued forward. She didn’t feel any pain in the process, just tirelessly and joyfully put in the effort.

It was a dazzling way to live. It seemed similar to mine, yet it was completely different. My efforts were devoid of emotion. They had disappeared without me noticing.

The reason for my efforts, which I can no longer recall, was just functioning like a curse within me.

No matter how much everyone despised me, and no matter how loudly my heart screamed in sadness, there was a reason I had sworn to keep trying, and I was doing my best to fulfill it back then.

I understood that the effort Master was making was the true meaning of trying hard.

I felt envious. I wanted to try hard in the same carefree way.

Unlike studying or other sports, basketball with Master was the only thing where I could try hard innocently like her.

It was truly, truly… fun. I could be myself.

About two months after Master and I started playing basketball together at the dilapidated court under the overpass,

“Rejoice, boy!”

Master puffed out her chest and declared,

“Tomorrow! I will participate in a practice match!”

She proclaimed it heroically, full of confidence, and with a majestic presence.

I was happy. At the same time, I wondered if she would be okay.

Master had improved a lot compared to when I first saw her, but she was still considered below average.

Since the results of the match would become data, I was really worried. I feared what would happen if Master lost her confidence.

“So! To boost our spirits, let’s end today with a 1-on-1! Come at me, boy!”

Master confidently prepared the ball and faced me.

Then, the one-on-one battle with Master began.

“…Gah! As expected, the boy is tough! Worthy of being my disciple!”

As usual, I scored all the points, blocked everything, and it was a complete victory for me.

One more point, and I would win. Today’s practice would end, and Master would head into tomorrow’s practice match.

—Is it okay? To win like this and end it.

Wouldn’t it be better to let Master score at least one point and send her home with some confidence? That’s what I thought. I ended up thinking that.

Even now, I regret it.

“Uooo! I won’t lose, boy! No holding back! I won’t let you!”

In the final showdown, in a situation where I would normally easily slip past her, I knew Master’s defensive habits well enough to make it seem like she naturally blocked me, skillfully making it look like Master knocked the ball away.

I thought it was a perfect act. Absolutely, perfectly executed.

“…Boy…”

While I was picking up the ball that had flown to the corner of the court, Master called me, so I turned around to see her making a face I had never seen before.

“You just… lost on purpose, didn’t you?”

Her voice, usually light and refreshing like a bird singing in the early morning, was for that moment only dark and heavy.

I stood there with the ball, unable to say anything. Couldn’t say yes or no.

“Why would you do that!? I, I… even if you do that… it doesn’t…!!”

I had messed up. I had done it.

Master’s anguished voice, as if her heart was tearing apart, told me the weight of the sin I had committed.

I should have known, that Master hated this kind of act the most. Yet, I did it.

This wasn’t kindness. It was just self-satisfaction. No, it wasn’t even that.

For the first time, I had inflicted humiliation on someone I admired.

Unable to apologize, I ran away.

Regret filled my heart. I felt like throwing up.

I couldn’t swallow my dinner. I couldn’t sleep a wink.

I couldn’t eat breakfast, and at school, I couldn’t hear the sounds around me.

I had to apologize to Master. I had to apologize quickly.

As soon as school ended, I headed to the underpass.

No one was at the court.

Even after the usual time passed, Master didn’t show up.

Maybe if I waited a bit longer, she would come, so I stood in the middle of the court for a long time.

Even as night fell, Master didn’t come, and instead, my mother, with an unusual expression, came to pick me up.

Held by my mother, the tears overflowed, and I couldn’t stop them. The surging regret was unbearable.

Since then, my after-school hours became just standing under the overpass. Even after autumn ended and winter came, Master didn’t show up. On sunny days, cloudy days, rainy days, and snowy days, Master didn’t come.

Master might have quit basketball.

I wanted to kill myself. I had cruelly taken away the joy of someone who was trying so hard and enjoying it.

If I hadn’t come here, if I hadn’t taken an interest, Master would still be happily playing basketball.

Then, from now on, I shouldn’t be interested in anything. I shouldn’t try hard at anything.

I, who took away something important from Master, don’t have the right to do that.

I will kill the me up to today.

The genius, Ayasaka Keitaro, will end.

And I will start being the unmotivated, no, even more foolish Ayasaka Keitaro than before.

…Ah, I see. That’s it. I must have tried hard to forget the reason I had to try hard at that time.

So as not to keep trying hard single-mindedly, I desperately forgot. To avoid hurting anyone else further.

This isn’t a faded memory but a sealed memory. No wonder, even with my brain, I couldn’t recall it at all.

Thus, forcefully resetting my way of life, I decided that changing my surroundings was the top priority.

As a fundamental premise, I needed to go to a school where no one knew my past.

Then, I had no choice but to go to Eihou Academy, a new but already top-ranked school in the prefecture, where no one from my elementary school had ever entered.

To hide a tree, hide it in the forest. If I entered Eihou Academy, the level around me would rise significantly.

I thought maybe even I could blend in there.

But in reality, nothing changed, even after entering Eihou.

The difference between ten and one just changed to ten and three.

Still, at least there were no people who knew me at Eihou.

After enrolling at Eihou, I always kept my grades at the bottom.

Retests and supplementary lessons were just a waste of time, so I scored just enough to avoid failing, living quietly in the corner.

Being a poor student felt comfortable. There was no envy. Although there was pity, that too was fresh and welcome.

Eihou prioritized academic performance. From the senior division, classes were divided every year based on grades.

Aiming for the top meant having to knock down others aiming for the higher classes. Being at the bottom meant not hurting others.

That’s right. Finally, finally. I had finally obtained a life where I wouldn’t hurt anyone. A life where no one gets hurt.

The four years since entering Eihou were peaceful, and even someone like me made friends. I shouldn’t wish for more, there’s nothing more I should wish for… not for someone like me.