After Breaking Off the Engagement, I Started Pursuing My Master - Chapter 232

Chapter 232: Despicable Me

The moon quietly climbed up from outside the window.

Through the repeated touches of lips and tongues, Jiang Huai suddenly realized something: nothing is immune to weariness, not even kissing. If at first both hearts beat fast with passion, over time, as lips grow numb and the hazy fantasies and desires are satisfied, the heart too will gradually become numb.

He suddenly remembered what Luo Yueguan had said earlier, ‘It’s just because you don’t like me enough.’ At first, he really couldn’t find any words to refute her, and it did seem reasonable. After all, it boiled down to not liking her enough. Would he have cared less if he liked her enough?

But if proving one’s affection required doing something, Jiang Huai didn’t want to be the one who needed to prove anything. The moment doubt crept in, the accusation was already established, and the tiny cracks that formed would take a great deal of effort to mend.

Besides, he knew he really didn’t like her that much.

Affection can’t be proven. If he did something with Luo Yueguan and then just walked away, would that also be because he didn’t like her enough? When he turned his head to look at Luo Yueguan’s cheek, the moonlight from the window fell into her eyes, revealing deep confusion and aimlessness.

“Have you had enough?”

A sudden sense of shame and annoyance spread from Luo Yueguan’s chest to the top of her head. She felt an inexplicable anger, as if Jiang Huai’s question had turned her into a lowly begging dog, even though she had always played a superior role.

But after the embarrassment, there was emptiness and helplessness.

“I’ve had enough.”

Her lips moved slightly, no longer arguing or resisting, just quietly answering.

“Then let’s sleep well.”

“I can’t sleep anymore.”

“Why?”

“You’re mocking me.”

“Mocking?”

“I feel it… you’re mocking me… mocking my sadness and ridicule, mocking my shamelessness, mocking my mood swings, not at all like an adult.”

“What if I say I’m not?” Jiang Huai asked softly.

“You are!”

“It’s not like that.”

Jiang Huai looked into her eyes seriously, “If saying I’m not doesn’t represent me, then who can represent me? Because you always put yourself too low, always think too poorly of yourself, you feel I’m mocking you… but I’m not.”

“I asked if you had enough kisses? It was just to ask if you had enough kisses. If not, we can kiss a bit more, if yes, then sleep well. Where did you read any hint of mockery in that sentence?”

“I heard… you don’t like me… you don’t love me…”

“If you loved yourself enough, why would you be obsessed with whether I like you or love you?”

“That’s mocking me… mocking me for not loving myself, mocking me…”

Jiang Huai sighed softly, still looking into Luo Yueguan’s eyes seriously, waiting for her to finish her next words, but Luo Yueguan was speechless, just looking at him, her eyes becoming moist.

For a long time, Luo Yueguan didn’t speak. She was trying hard, thinking seriously, but it seemed she had fallen into a loop and couldn’t find an answer for herself.

“What do you really want? Is it kisses, hugs, forgetting everything in a desperate embrace to satisfy physical desires, or is it security, peace, satisfaction, dependence? If you can’t even figure out what you really want, and you ask me for it… what should I give you?”

“I want everything.”

“Everything?”

“Everything of everything!”

“Is it useful?”

Jiang Huai suddenly reached out and gently touched her cheek, “Even if we put everything aside, what would it be like if I gave you everything I could? Even if I just cultivated with you, so what? Even if I said I loved you, so what? You might be happy for a short time? Then you would continue to be unhappy. Do you really believe that you can rely on me forever? With your proud character… would you accept becoming a woman who lives by depending on others?”

“It’s all lies, all excuses. You’re just afraid that after we do something, your master will be furious, and from then on, you’ll never have a chance with Chu Xianning again!”

“Then let’s cultivate together? What position do you like?” Jiang Huai’s fingertips gently pinched her earlobe.

Luo Yueguan stared into his eyes.

“I’ve given you the choice and told you the consequences. Maybe we can just get by for a long time like this. Would that make you happy? To let a man you’ve never truly loved from the bottom of your heart play with your body, and then you have to worry day and night whether one day he will get tired of you. So you start to live in constant anxiety, or maybe you’ll feel empty and bored first in this process, and then regret starts to fill your heart.”

“Many of Qingyu’s ideas seem to be learned from you. That time in the bathhouse when she and I argued, she felt that if I was willing to take her body, it could prove that I loved her. But I always feel that if love has to be proven by someone to someone, it’s really sad.”

“Why don’t you speak?”

Jiang Huai’s fingertips gently caressed her smooth earlobe, “Just now you said I refused you because I didn’t like you enough. Now I’ve agreed to you. Does that mean I like you enough?”

“You’re betting that after you say all this, I will refuse. What if I insist?”

“So what position do you like?” Jiang Huai innocently blinked at her.

Luo Yueguan stared at him for a long time, then suddenly sneered.

“You make yourself out to be so clean, you despicable guy. I won’t cultivate with you. What do you take me for? You think I’m begging you. There will come a day when you will beg me to cultivate with you… Jiang Huai!”

“Alright, alright, I look forward to that day too.”

Jiang Huai answered innocently, but Luo Yueguan moved closer to him, and Jiang Huai quickly understood her intention, gently wrapping his arms around her slender waist and bowing his head, “Can we sleep now?”

Luo Yueguan closed her eyes, but her forehead moved slightly closer to him.

Jiang Huai gently kissed her forehead, Luo Yueguan’s eyelashes trembled lightly, and she finally stopped talking, only lifting her leg again to hook around Jiang Huai’s waist, sticking to him tightly.

The atmosphere of the summer night was actually a bit sticky and humid, but Luo Yueguan’s body was slightly cold, as if Jiang Huai was holding a cool piece of jade that also emitted a pleasant fragrance.

Jiang Huai fell asleep quickly, even earlier than Luo Yueguan in his arms.

…

When Luo Yueguan woke up, Jiang Huai was not by her side.

She sat up from the bed all at once, not even bothering to straighten her fallen clothes, and walked down from the bed, calling out Jiang Huai’s name loudly in the courtyard. After shouting several times, Jiang Huai finally poked his head out from the kitchen.

Luo Yueguan’s suspended heart fell heavily, and she suddenly laughed, looking at Jiang Huai, “I thought you had left on your own.”

“Deserting before the battle is cowardly behavior. I won’t run. I want to win back.”

“Isn’t it said that not betting is winning?” Luo Yueguan sat down at the stone table in the courtyard.

Jiang Huai didn’t immediately respond to her words but went back to the kitchen. After a while, he brought out two bowls of fresh shrimp and fish fillet porridge, gently placed them on the table, and sat opposite Luo Yueguan. He scooped up a small spoonful, blew on it to cool it down, thought for a moment, and then brought it to Luo Yueguan’s mouth first. Luo Yueguan moved closer and took a sip from his spoon, like a little cat being fed.

Jiang Huai pulled the spoon out and said, “You know? I’ve always thought that in the end, the only thing people can rely on is themselves. Everyone is selfish and indifferent. No matter who you call out to for help, no one can save you. Maybe someone will want to reach out and pull you up, but that’s just because they find some self-satisfaction and smug happiness in the so-called process of saving you.”

“And now?”

“Now I still think the same.” Jiang Huai shrugged, watching Luo Yueguan pick up the soup spoon and bring the cooled porridge to his mouth.

He hesitated for a moment before eating it, then mumbled unclearly, “Now I am the latter that I just mentioned, finding a trace of smug happiness from being by your side, watching you seemingly make some positive changes because I’ve entered your life.”

“You really are such a despicable guy.”

Luo Yueguan nodded in agreement, then took another sip of the porridge Jiang Huai fed her.

“I’ve never said I was some noble and upright guy, never was.”

Jiang Huai looked at the porridge Luo Yueguan fed him with a disgusted face, “I blow on it for you, and you don’t even bother to blow on it. I won’t drink it.”

“Your skin is so thick it won’t scald you to death.”

Luo Yueguan rolled her eyes at him but still moved closer to blow on the porridge and fed it to him again.

So Jiang Huai fed her another spoonful.

And she fed Jiang Huai another spoonful.

This breakfast took a very long time. After putting down the bowls and chopsticks, Jiang Huai looked into Luo Yueguan’s eyes, “Alright, should we set off now?”

“Oh.” Luo Yueguan nodded.

“Go change your clothes.”

Jiang Huai pointed to her shoulder where her clothes had slipped down. She had been in this disheveled state all along, with a large expanse of soft flesh on her chest exposed. Luo Yueguan stood up and walked back into the room.

But when she came out of the room again, Jiang Huai looked at the new dress she had put on and was slightly stunned for a moment, then a smile that he couldn’t suppress appeared at the corner of his eyes.

“What are you laughing at?”

“It’s fine, you look quite good in that outfit.”

“Qingyu looked good in it, so I bought one in a different style.”

Luo Yueguan slightly lifted the hem of her dress and twirled around.

The smile at the corner of Jiang Huai’s eyes never faded, a small joy that perhaps only he could feel. At this moment, Luo Yueguan’s black and white long dress reminded him of a maid’s outfit from his memory. The skirt was very long, falling all the way to her ankles, and Jiang Huai also noticed her ankles wrapped in delicate white stockings, her fair feet tucked into black high heels.

If he remembered correctly, the dress came with a pair of white lace thin silk gloves. Luo Yueguan was carefully putting them on at the moment, and Jiang Huai couldn’t help but laugh so hard he could barely stand straight. Luo Yueguan, however, grew more puzzled.

“What exactly are you laughing at?”

“It’s nothing, just… that dress, it’s really cute.”

Jiang Huai tried to contain his laughter, looking at the white lace decoration on her chest. Luo Yueguan pouted slightly; she looked down, the skirt was clearly very long, and her chest was properly covered, a very appropriate dress. What was he laughing at?

“Did Qingyu do something bad with you in that outfit?”

“No, no, it’s nothing. Let’s get going.” Jiang Huai stood up and came to her side.