Even If Your Regret Tries to Hold Me Back - Chapter 30

‘How did he know to come here? Damn it…….’

He looked down at the woman he had practically trapped in his arms.

Instead of being flustered by being pushed against him almost aggressively, Helena met his gaze. Perhaps due to déjà vu, she remained calm.

“I suppose some ill-mannered ruffians passed by again.”

“…….”

His mouth, which usually spat out answers immediately without reading between the lines, was unusually sealed shut. Though Helena looked at him questioningly, at this moment Ian’s attention was entirely focused outside the window.

Meanwhile, Eugene was pacing anxiously in front of the salon where Helena was.

Ian pressed his body even closer into the corner. He had to endure this position at least until Eugene passed by.

Ian covered Helena with his large frame as if he could swallow her whole. Fortunately, there was a pillar in the center of the shop, so from outside it would appear at this angle as if only a man was standing alone.

Ian let out a small breath with his arm against the wall Helena was leaning against. Helena blinked, feeling a familiar sense of pressure.

Through the slightly parted collar of his shirt, she could see his chest rising and falling. She wanted to turn her head away from the awkwardness, but he had pressed his body so firmly against hers that it wasn’t possible.

The previous situation even created the illusion of replaying before her eyes.

The scent of soap after a shower.

The heat rising from his rigid skin.

Water droplets flowing along the curves of his muscles.

It was difficult to convince herself why that scene came to mind at this moment.

‘Is it because it’s been a while since I left Eugene? ……How pathetic.’

The feeling of occasionally thinking about a man other than Eugene was strange. To an extent she didn’t want to admit.

Helena asked as if erasing her complicated feelings.

“You’re being pursued, aren’t you.”

It was actually something she had been curious about. This wasn’t the first or second time she had been cornered by him like this, and he always seemed accustomed to watching his surroundings.

Moreover, he only traveled through deserted alleyways and always wore his robe pulled deep over his head.

Considering it merely protective measures due to what happened at the fruit shop last time seemed rather suspicious.

As if his occupation wasn’t really a merchant but a thief.

“Did you steal money too?”

Helena stubbornly added. Ian’s gaze quickly went beyond the window and then returned to Helena.

Their closely pressed bodies separated again.

Ian turned around as if nothing had happened. Then he began looking around at the clothes.

Helena followed behind him as if chasing the disappeared warmth.

However, after taking just a few steps, Ian suddenly stopped, forcing her to quickly brake.

In the hands of the turned Ian was a naturally lustrous green dress. Ian held the dress up to Helena and answered.

“Half right, half wrong.”

He passed the clothes to the waiting clerk with a faint smile. The clerk received the clothes as if his visits were familiar.

Helena frowned slightly at the ambiguous answer. Meanwhile, another dress was held up to her.

“I only took back what was originally mine, so I don’t think there’s any problem.”

Even with the additional answer, Helena’s frown didn’t smooth out.

Ian handed this new dress to the clerk as well and this time picked up a dress decorated with flowers made of frills.

“Or are you perhaps worried about me?”

“Who would……!”

Helena was about to get angry at Ian’s innocent question but closed her mouth.

Her crumpled expression remained, but at least her suspicion toward him was withdrawn.

Helena didn’t want to be curious about him. She especially didn’t want to show such signs.

How long had it been since she left Eugene that she couldn’t let even a piece of herself be occupied by that man.

‘Get it together. If you know it’s pathetic, you should stop.’

She pushed away the dress Ian was holding up to her body. Along with it came a small sigh as a declaration of giving up on recovering even her investment.

“I don’t like flashy things.”

“It suits you well.”

“…….”

She smiles so beautifully…… so carefree.

Helena, momentarily speechless, kept her eyes fixed on that neat face.

But she eventually turned her head away.

“I still don’t like it. It stands out.”

Glamorous ballrooms, spinning lights, murmuring laughter.

Even in a single ordinary dress, the times that had eaten away at her were embedded.

The fairy tale of the fox who couldn’t reach the grapes on the high tree and eventually consoled itself by saying ‘those are sour grapes.’

Helena thought she was exactly those sour grapes.

Of course, if there was one difference from the fairy tale, it was that she really was sour grapes.

So it was natural that everywhere her feet touched became a thorny path. The feeling of having to jump into the thorny path even while knowing it was as familiar as it was always bitter.

‘Still, I endured looking only at you. I always hoped you would come.’

It was the day she attended a party for the first time in a long while, wearing the dress Eugene had given her as an anniversary gift.

Since nobles from Eugene’s paternal side were also attending, she had to be more careful than usual.

But from the moment she left the grand ducal residence, the long hem kept catching on her feet. When she felt somewhat uneasy, as if cursing her misfortune outright, she ended up falling right in the middle of the ballroom.

Before she could even register the pain in her wrist that had hit the floor, considerable murmuring poured down like rain from all directions.

[What do you expect when she wears something beyond her station. No matter how glamorously she dresses up and covers herself, what’s the point when she’s just a straw doll with an unsightly empty interior.]

[Tsk, how desperately she must have wanted to put on airs and maintain face…….]

[Go help her up, isn’t anyone there? Oh my, how pitiful. Where is Grand Duke Evergale right now?]

Here, there, everywhere – eyes all looking only at her.

Piercing eyes. Suffocating eyes.

A dark red monster that gradually grew and began devouring her alive.

The moment she began trembling helplessly in that suffocating terror, the floor shook once, then sucked her in like a whirlpool before settling down.

The murmuring subsided and ordinary noise took its place.

Helena swallowed dry saliva and pressed her fingernail firmly into the inside of her palm.

‘It hurts.’

It was reality.

She was relieved to have escaped from the fantasy of the past without much commotion. The fantasy didn’t approach as nastily as before.

When she slowly closed and opened her eyes, this time he was staring intently at her.

‘Am I imagining that those eyes look sad?’

While Helena let the idle thought pass, Ian returned the dress he was holding to its place.

Click – almost simultaneously with the metal parts of the hangers colliding, his voice dropped.

“I have no intention of forcing unsuitable tastes on you. But Helena.”

He carefully drew her hand to him. Then, gently rubbing the nail marks left on her palm, he said.

“It’s not that you stand out because your clothes are flashy, but because you’re you.”

“……I suppose so.”

Because I was a mismatched piece from the beginning.

Helena hung her head low. Ian’s grip on her hand tightened momentarily.

A woman who couldn’t hate others and ended up hating herself. He cupped that woman’s chin and gently lifted it.

The transparent blue eyes were too dazzling to simply hate.

“If there are people who can’t bear what naturally shines, there are also those who recognize it.”

Their meeting gazes trembled finely.

Ian pressed Helena’s lower lip gently with his thumb to prevent her from biting and injuring the tender flesh. The red flesh yielded with soft elasticity.

“I know that choosing what words to hear isn’t something that can be done at will…… but I wish you would only hear words that could make you smile.”

He swallowed the words asking her to keep him by her side. It would be cruel to give assurance when he couldn’t take responsibility for this woman’s entire life.

To her, and to himself.

He wasn’t in love with her. He simply wished for her happiness. So he shouldn’t cross the line.

He just needed to be faithful to the present. His role should end with faithfully doing his best for her.

Forcing affection on a woman who had already burned everything and had only ashes left would be the worst situation.

He hoped such a situation would never occur until the very last moment.

‘Don’t forget the purpose of coming here.’

Ian barely withdrew his hand while gently stroking down Helena’s lips. He was the one secretly gritting his teeth.

Helena stammered with her eyelashes lowered, hiding her pupils.

“I, that’s, that’s…….”

Words that could make her smile? Could she laugh from joy?

‘Would there even be anyone to say such words to me in the first place?’

She tried to say it was impossible, but the words wouldn’t come out easily as if stuck in her throat.

After rolling her eyes several more times, she changed her words.

“It’s difficult right now.”

Her slender shoulders sank slightly with her exhaled breath.

Ian, having composed his emotions in the meantime, moved on to the next rack without concern. Pretending to be calm seemed as easy for him as blinking.

He finally selected a dress with a black base and crimson accents and handed it to the staff. Then he casually picked something for himself and paid for everything together.

Ian lightly carried the large paper bag and led Helena back outside.

Removing his hand from the silver-carved door handle, his lips curved upward.

“Then I’ll smile for now.”

It was time to return to being a faithful anonymous knight.

Since he always wanted to be sincere in front of Helena without measuring anything, it was enough to pour out his sincerity.

“Because I’m quite enjoying myself right now.”

“……?”

“Since I’m smiling on your behalf, please be sure to repay me later. Is this acceptable?”

Due to the sunlight pouring onto his retina, Ian squinted and smiled.

However, unlike his bright face, displeasure rose over Helena’s face.

She was displeased with herself.

She had almost carelessly given away another piece of herself without knowing her place. She had almost mindlessly spilled what wasn’t even enough to embrace entirely alone.

‘If I hadn’t met Eugene…….’

The very request that what needed to be repaid wasn’t money but laughter was preposterous. Leaving all other easy paths, he always spoke only difficult words.

But Helena ended up nodding.

Because his transparent and white smile was a bit too dazzling to simply hate.