Even If Your Regret Tries to Hold Me Back - Chapter 36

After that, Walter often encountered her from afar or while serving as her escort, but he never again saw the laughter that had once painted everything around with flower-like colors.

It was the year when four seasons had passed since she came to the Grand Duke’s residence.

She had always seemed precarious somehow, but never more so than during this time.

She was like a fish thrown out of water, barely surviving on thread-like breaths.

For some reason, she rarely ventured outside the mansion. So Walter, hoping she might find some joy even indoors, took two swords and went to find her without any particular plan.

“Madam.”

Helena was standing idly in a corridor where sunlight barely reached. She no longer startled at his sudden appearance.

With her gaze fixed on the stained glass window, she said:

“…You’ve come again, haven’t you.”

Her tone carried a note of regret. Walter couldn’t understand why she spoke in such a voice, with such words.

‘Again? Have I visited Madam before?’

Not since the wedding day. And that wasn’t recent enough to warrant “again,” was it?

The question flashed through his mind momentarily but was soon dismissed. The moment he met her faint smile directed at him, the sense of déjà vu disappeared, leaving only urgency.

Without even asking about his business, she was trying to avoid him.

Despite the years that had passed, they hadn’t even had a brief conversation yet, largely because she had never allowed herself to be alone with him in the first place.

As if there were some taboo against it, she had always avoided him.

‘Whatever the reason, we can’t continue like this.’

She seemed like someone who might fly away at any moment if not held down. To keep such a person grounded, something had to bind them.

He hurriedly stepped in front of Helena as she tried to leave.

Instead, he placed a sword hilt on her white hand, curving her delicate fingers to cover the grip.

“If you would give me the opportunity to relieve your boredom, even briefly,”

Walter lowered his hand that had been supporting hers so she could feel the heavy weight of the steel, and asked:

“How about trying to hold a sword?”

But, perhaps as expected:

“Sir. I appreciate your kindness, but this isn’t necessary.”

She declined.

However, Walter made Helena’s hand, which was about to release the sword, curve back over the hilt.

Helena let out a small sigh. Then she said quietly:

“…I happened to hear your story. Losing someone you love is truly painful. But if you’re seeing me as overlapping with your late daughter—”

“That’s not it.”

Walter answered hastily, risking rudeness. As if her completing that thought would make it a foregone conclusion.

“I may be just a worthless knight who has become an old man relegated to the back rooms, but I am still a knight. Knowing propriety, how could I dare entrust a sword by projecting someone else onto you?”

His throat stung from voicing the true feelings he had secretly harbored since their first meeting, having been caught.

Perhaps he was indeed projecting. Perhaps he was indeed substituting.

But even if it was deception, it couldn’t be helped.

Because someone had to continue living, because somehow at least one breathing hole had to be left open.

Walter selfishly dug Helena as that hole. He hoped his selfish, clumsy affection could keep her bound to the earth.

Perhaps sensing that he wouldn’t give up until she accepted his proposal, she eventually surrendered.

“You’re probably the only one who refers to yourself as an old man in the back rooms, Sir.”

In truth, she seemed like someone who had known from the beginning that it would come to this.

Her resignation was so swift that the times she had intentionally avoided him felt like a misunderstanding.

Walter felt that strange sense of déjà vu again and asked for confirmation:

“Then you’ll allow it?”

Even though Walter had removed his hand from the hilt, she didn’t put down the sword.

She simply ran her hand over the scabbard, examining it carefully like someone receiving a long-awaited gift.

Surely these were hands that had never held even a dagger, hands without a single callus. Yet the sight seemed strangely familiar.

Only after she had examined the entire blade did she answer:

“…I’ll try harder. I’ll become strong enough that you won’t need to worry about me.”

Then she drew the sword skillfully. After the sound of metal scraping against metal passed, the sharp blade tip left elegant curves in the air.

Like a knight on leave trying to regain forgotten sensations, she lightly wielded the sword.

After several sounds of cutting through the air, the sword was sheathed again.

Before Walter could even hide his surprised expression, her gaze reached him first.

“I will strive until you no longer feel the need to be by my side.”

Her small but firm voice gripped Walter. It sounded somehow more like a confession than a resolution.

“So promise me just one thing.”

Before her reverent voice, Walter’s Adam’s apple bobbed greatly.

Though her gaze fixed on him was clear, its weight couldn’t be felt. Her endlessly sunken eyes seemed like empty shells.

Then her dry voice demanded a promise close to an oath:

“That no matter what happens, you won’t throw away your life trying to protect me.”

And yet, why did he think she was crying?

Even now, after she had left, Walter still couldn’t understand the reason.

****

Ian stopped in front of an exchange post on the outskirts of Futuo to change horses. Helena, who ultimately couldn’t shake him off, also stood beside him, waiting silently.

He hadn’t told her their destination, and she hadn’t asked him. So she didn’t know where they were going. But Helena could tell he was trying to leave Futuo.

Given their route, it was now certain they were being pursued by someone. However, she had almost completely dismissed her suspicion that he was a thief.

He couldn’t pass by a hungry child and woman without helping, immediately supported a man who seemed to have trouble moving, and often carried bags for passing elderly women.

At least none of the thieves she knew behaved like that.

Especially when she saw him like this, it became an even more useless suspicion.

“Aren’t you going to catch him?”

Helena looked up at Ian thoughtfully.

He just stood still even after seeing a pickpocket snatch a money pouch and run away.

Far from chasing after him, there wasn’t even the slightest movement. It seemed he was extending mercy even to pickpockets now.

When Helena finally tried to step forward, Ian grabbed her wrist.

“It’s fine. I only put a small amount in that pouch, and the rest is in my luggage.”

“That’s not the problem right now.”

“Oh, did the pickpocket hit you? Are you hurt?”

Worry and concern appeared on Ian’s face. He suddenly grabbed Helena’s right arm and turned it this way and that.

Helena let out a displeased sigh and grasped his hand to remove it.

“I’m fine. It’s not me that’s hurt, but your generous kindness that seems painful, so I’m speaking up.”

Only then did Ian, showing a relieved expression, add an excuse:

“There’s no need to go after him since I have plenty, and there’s no point in making a fuss and wasting energy. If we had a chase scene and drew attention, that would be more troublesome.”

“Someone who avoids trouble this much has been dragging me around all this time?”

“Being with you isn’t troublesome, it’s enjoyable. I’ve been living quite breathlessly until now, but thanks to you, I can rest like this for the first time in a while, which is good for me.”

“I’m sure.”

Helena replied dryly, casting her lowered gaze straight ahead. The robbery that had taken place right in front of them was getting farther away.

When the pickpocket saw that Ian wasn’t chasing him, he even turned around to wave the money pouch mockingly.

“How absent-minded do you have to be to not even know you’ve been robbed? How stupid! I’ve given you a lesson to keep your wits about you from now on, so live gratefully! Hahaha!”

Listening to the frivolous laughter, Helena thought quietly.

Should I catch him, or not?

She glanced at Ian fleetingly. His face was peaceful even after having his gold coins taken and being insulted. Seeing him made up her mind.

“Let me borrow this for a moment.”

Helena reached toward Ian’s side. Without hesitation, she drew his sword and threw it with the same momentum.

Thwack!

The sword flew in a long arc and stuck precisely in front of the pickpocket.

“Aaaahhh!”

The pickpocket, who had been running leisurely, collapsed on the spot.

The sharp sword stood proudly between his legs, asserting its presence.

Seeing him, Helena’s stern expression finally relaxed. For something partly left to chance, it was quite a satisfactory result.

[You’re the only one who uses a sword like a bow, Madam.]

The laughter of a middle-aged man briefly flowed past her ears. She also recalled the scar around his eyes that wrinkled gently whenever he laughed.

Helena quickly organized her thoughts before that laughter could turn into a desperate scream.

‘In this life, since I’m not there, you’ll be safe too, Sir.’

That was enough.

Helena deliberately moved at a quick pace to focus on the present again.

The pickpocket remained motionless until she reached him. Whether from fear of nearly losing something precious, he just trembled in all his limbs.

Helena pulled the sword from the ground and looked down at him.

Without saying a word, the pickpocket held out the money pouch with shaking hands.

“I-I’ll give it back!”

Helena silently took it and returned to Ian. He had the most surprised expression she had seen from him.

She took Ian’s hand, pulled him over, and placed the recovered money pouch on it.

“Consider this as partial repayment for the expenses you’ve spent on me.”

“This really wasn’t necessary.”

“I had to do this to ease some of my guilt. That way… even when I part ways with you, I won’t feel awkward about it.”

Helena, who had tried to trail off vaguely but ended up answering, raised her head. Ian’s expression had returned to a bitter face as if he had chewed on some bitter medicinal root.

With a furrowed brow, he tucked the money pouch into his clothes and told her:

“You keep preparing for separation on your own, so let me tell you—I have absolutely no intention of parting ways with you anytime soon.”