For Some Reason The Girl Who's Too Popular Only Drinks with Me - Volume 1 Chapter 5.9

“That’s why what! There are plenty of kind and warm people around! People who are kind, warm, and far more attractive than me!”

“People find different things attractive.”

Mai Hamasaki’s words were too correct, and I involuntarily looked down at the ground. I know. What she’s saying is right.

But even so, I can’t accept her words. In the end, I’ll just end up getting hurt.

“You’re just curious about me. Interested. I’m sick of it. I’m not some exotic animal at the zoo. Haven’t I said before, I don’t want deep relationships with anyone?”

“Then why did you take me away today?”

I couldn’t say anything back.

At Mai Hamasaki’s words, my mouth froze, and I hurriedly looked up.

She was looking at me with a pained expression.

“If it didn’t matter, you could’ve just left me alone. I was going to join you all after the drinking party anyway.”

“That’s because…”

I couldn’t say it. That she was targeted by men, that she was about to be drugged at the second party. That the guys had no intention of letting her leave after the first party.

Because saying that wouldn’t make any difference. If anything, it would only strengthen Mai Hamasaki’s argument.

“Besides, Kirishima-kun, you said you wanted to. You could’ve made up various reasons for doing it because Sugino-senpai told you to, but you didn’t, did you?”

Mai Hamasaki stepped closer.

I couldn’t say anything back. My field of vision gradually narrowed, and my gaze began to fall again.

Why did I say that at that time? Why did I prioritize my feelings?

(Because I thought Mai Hamasaki would follow?)

No, that’s not it. That can’t be it. That would mean I believe in Mai Hamasaki’s kindness towards me.

(Did I want her to respond to my feelings?)

Stop it, why would I say such a thing? That’s impossible. I’m not someone who can be liked by others. Someone who can respond to me, that’s just too convenient—

“You don’t have to be so scared.”

Before I knew it, Mai Hamasaki was in front of me.

Her slightly sweet, refined scent tickled my nose. She took off her gloves and touched my unbruised cheek. Soft and slightly cold fingers caressed my cheek, then traced my neck.

Did she see me as being frightened? Facing fear and becoming so paralyzed, all I could do was tremble?

My narrow field of vision gradually widened. The face of the person in front of me became clearer and clearer.

Mai Hamasaki was smiling. Not pitying, not sorrowing, but smiling at me.

Despite all the absurd things I’ve said, the way I’ve rejected her with the momentum to hurt, she was looking at me and smiling.

“It’s impossible. I’m afraid.”

The words I squeezed out were so miserably weak, full of self-pity. The moment I spoke, the accompanying emotions followed.

My vision distorted again. But this time, it wasn’t narrowing.

Her outline blurred, and my vision smeared.

“I’m scared of my feelings being conveyed to the other person. I’m afraid of both being accepted and rejected. It’s unbearably scary. Because I’m weak, miserable, and pathetic. Cowardly, evasive, a coward, pretending to be insensitive, just a foolish person. Most things I do don’t go well, and I’m not the type that people like. I tried, you know, because I envied everyone, I wanted to be like that, I tried. But it was no use. It was impossible. A person like that, incompetent, self-deprecating, gloomy, who would like them? You said you wanted to be by my side earlier, but that feeling is only for now. In a few days, you’ll probably hate even seeing me.”

“…Maybe.”

“It’s definite. No one could hold onto your kindness towards someone like me—”

“But it might not be that way.”

The words that reached my ear made me startle and shift my gaze.

Before I knew it, Mai Hamasaki and I were close, embraced by her.

Mai Hamasaki’s small face was right beside mine. Her hair brushed against my cheek, tickling slightly.

“The future is unknown to anyone. Just as you said, I might grow disillusioned and discard you, or you might find someone more wonderful than me and leave. That could happen next week, next month, in ten years, or even fifty years.”

“If you understand that much—”

“Even if I do, it doesn’t mean I’ll give up my feelings now. I don’t care about a past I don’t want to remember or a future I can’t see. That’s not what I want to know. None of that matters. More than anything, right now, I want to hold you, who cried in front of me.”

Mai Hamasaki whispered in my ear. Her gentle, smooth voice seemed to envelop my exposed heart, and for the first time, I realized I was crying.

For me, the future was always a dark place, and the past might as well not exist. The only thing that comes to mind is embarrassing, miserable moments that make me feel sick when recalled out of the blue at night.

The stronger the aversion, the more vividly it comes back. Each time, I would take scissors to the sceneries in my mind and tear them to shreds.

All I have is now. Not that I particularly cherished it, but if possible, I didn’t want to turn this present into a non-existent past like before, so I chose actions that wouldn’t hurt me—what I should do.

Under normal circumstances, I should push Mai Hamasaki away. Spitting out any transient kindness only leads to misery, and I should run away. It would end our relationship, but that’s okay. Our friendship was already mismatched from the start. It’s better to end it quickly. Then I could return to my usual gray days.

“I—”

Slowly, I began to speak. Pressed close to Mai Hamasaki, her warmth, her softness made pushing her away inconceivable, let alone moving a single finger.

It had been so long since anyone had held me that I had completely forgotten. No, more accurately, I hadn’t noticed.
The stronger the desire for the other person, the faster the loneliness accelerates.

To fill that loneliness, there’s no other way but to actually touch and embrace like this.

But strangely, even though I should feel fulfilled, my tears wouldn’t stop, and all I could think about was not wanting to let her go.

“I’m tired of cursing myself and living. I want to say I like you, straightforwardly.”