If You Wish to Have Me - Chapter 109

She believes in Seyard.

……No, she wants to believe.

In other words, she wasn’t completely believing.

While listening to the confession of the man called Brother Emil, Kisa gradually came to realize this fact.

“No, I must believe.”

She muttered as if scolding herself.

Like the words that came from her mouth, his story was nothing but baseless slander without a single piece of evidence.

There was no way that such a gentle Seyard could have killed his own brother.

“Let’s believe. I’m believing.”

However, unfortunately, somewhere in her heart lay an intuitive judgment that at least the man hadn’t told complete lies.

The young monk had been upright and full of sincerity throughout.

He seemed to genuinely lament his own fault for not being able to prevent Seyard’s crime and appeared to worry about Kisa.

If that was acting, then Daniel and Count Theodore had recruited a genius actor.

“…….”

Inside the running carriage, Kisa remained silent for a while, biting her lips.

The thought that she wanted to conclude with ‘I believe in Seyard’ continued to move forward against her will.

The points that had been bothering her mind but that she had tried not to pay attention to came back to life one by one.

The extreme hatred toward his brother. Kisa had once glimpsed it before.

‘In his diary.’

And among the names written in that notebook, there was one person she had recently met face to face.

“Cobi.”

The man who had suddenly appeared before the two of them one day and disappeared not long after.

Seyard had said he had entrusted him with managing a villa in a distant region…

Was that really the case? An ominous question clearly arose.

Speaking of it now, honestly, that series of events had felt somewhat hasty.

Seyard had reunited with Cobi in just two days, caught up with him, then appointed him as the villa manager and sent him off to another region.

In fact, having watched him handle business from the side, Seyard was the type to handle work carefully.

Of course, he showed amazing drive when necessary, but was entrusting Cobi with the villa management position really a matter of such importance?

Most of all, the look in Seyard’s eyes the moment he recognized Cobi’s presence that day.

It was only for an instant, but that look, which unusually revealed his inner thoughts completely, remained impressively in Kisa’s memory.

To call it joy from reuniting with a close friend whose life or death was unknown seemed to have some strange emotion mixed in. Something like a sense of victory.

No, to describe it more accurately, it was similar to a predator who had found prey…

Startled by her own thoughts, Kisa shook her head.

“It’s, it’s just a feeling.”

She should objectively assess the situation at that time without relying on such subjective elements.

She should recall it. What happened then? What kind of conversation did Seyard and Cobi, who met after a long time, have? How did they react to each other?

She closed her eyes and relied on her memory.

Certainly, Cobi had desperately begged Seyard for forgiveness that day.

[I’m, I’m sorry! When you really needed me, I wasn’t by your side, and now I’ve shamelessly come looking for you—I’ll apologize a hundred times! I can even kneel! If you want, you can spit on me!]

Because Cobi, who had been caught stealing medicine and fled alone, had caused Seyard, who was close to him, to receive glares meant for Cobi as well.

Looking at it that way, there was nothing particularly suspicious about their conversation… Wait.

Kisa tilted her head. Was that really the case?

No matter how much she recalled, she couldn’t remember a scene where Cobi directly stated the reason for his apology.

[Re, really? You really weren’t angry?]

[That’s right.]

[I, I left you behind—.]

[Yes, you left me behind and departed from St. Pavela Monastery. Honestly, I can’t say I wasn’t disappointed about you stealing medicine and running away. It was outright theft, after all.]

[Huh? Oh, right.]

At that moment, the bewilderment that crossed Cobi’s face was unexpected, so Kisa could remember that day’s situation in relatively good detail.

‘At the time, I thought he was just flustered by Seyard’s attitude of saying he wasn’t angry while strictly drawing the line that it was still a crime.’

Perhaps there were other circumstances.

According to Brother Emil’s story, he was an accomplice who conspired with Seyard in crime.

The words about leaving Seyard behind might have meant withdrawing from criminal activities…

“No.”

Kisa shook her head again at the imagination that kept making her suspect her lover, but once the thought had stretched out, it wouldn’t stop at all.

After that, Seyard had said that one of the reasons he hurriedly removed Cobi from the capital was Kisa. He said he didn’t like how Cobi looked at her with lewd eyes.

Because of that, Kisa had secretly wanted to meet Cobi once, but couldn’t bring herself to say it out loud.

Had her nerves become too sensitive? Now that other things began to seem suspicious, even Seyard’s jealousy, which had once only made her happy, seemed to have other intentions.

Her head aching, she pressed her forehead.

Where exactly had Seyard sent Cobi?

“……Where did he send him, I wonder.”

If, really if, he was the culprit who murdered his brother. And if the speculation Kisa had just thought of was correct.

Then Cobi was not only a betrayer of Seyard but also an enormous risk factor who knew about his weakness of murder.

There would be no reason to keep him alive with high probability.

So Cobi wouldn’t have come looking for Seyard for a while either. In the end, unable to endure the cold and hunger, he had tried betting on a small hope.

Kisa chewed her fingernails.

This wouldn’t do. Her thoughts were increasingly leaning toward Seyard being the culprit.

But she couldn’t help it. When she assumed that, all the doubts she had felt so far were resolved at once.

Not just about his diary or things related to Cobi.

The unauthorized departure from the monastery, which was quite impulsive behavior for Seyard, and his choice to associate closely with someone of poor character like Cobi.

Would Seyard, who was always systematic and calm in everything, really have committed such misconduct because he couldn’t endure the hostility of other monks?

Had he really gotten along with Cobi because they genuinely clicked?

As questions piled up, her heart also sank heavily.

Kisa wanted to believe him.

At the same time, she couldn’t believe him.

Her conflicting heart and mind tormented Kisa.

Arriving at her home, Kisa skipped dinner and returned to her bedroom, opening the bottom drawer of her vanity table.

The diary that Seyard had supposedly written as a child was still sleeping peacefully in the jewelry box.

Along with the vivid hatred written there.

Cobi’s death. Vischer’s death. And the terrible ambition to steal everything from his brother.

No matter how many times she read it, the unchanging letters looked down at her, making her feel nauseous even though she had eaten almost nothing for half a day.

“Seyard…….”

The face of the man who might have really killed his brother and stolen everything that belonged to him came to mind.

Ah, yet despite all this, how lovable he was.

Kisa lay down on the bed, feeling the strange emotion of love accompanied by fear.

That night, Seyard appeared in her dreams.

In the dim evening, his back as he headed toward a pastel-colored villa with some key in his hand.

****

The next day, Kisa barely managed a meal with thin soup and then headed to the Duke of Hillan’s residence.

In her heart, she didn’t want to see Seyard for a while, appointment or not.

She had no idea what face and heart she should approach him with, and if she let her guard down even a little, she felt like he would see through her inner thoughts.

However, if she broke the appointment without any particular reason, Seyard would surely find this suspicious… no, he would definitely worry.

Making an excuse about not feeling well and then being caught in the lie of feigning illness would be the worst possible scenario.

In the end, Kisa put on makeup as brightly as possible and then practiced arranging her expression in the carriage.

To appear as normal as possible in his eyes.

“Welcome, Kisa.”

Whether such efforts were effective, Seyard greeted Kisa with the same attitude as always.

The two of them had warm tea in a glass greenhouse that even the winter cold dared not invade.

Seyard, holding his teacup, asked Kisa.

“Did you buy the item you wanted well?”

Since she had mentioned it in passing before, he also knew that Kisa had stopped by the shopping district yesterday.

“Unfortunately, something came up so I couldn’t. I’m planning to go again later.”

“I see. Count Theodore must have taken up a lot of your time.”

Her heart skipped a beat momentarily, but it wasn’t an unexpected remark.

He was the one who had assigned the guards who escorted Kisa yesterday to her.

It wouldn’t be strange for news that Kisa had met the count to reach his ears.

Resting her chin on the table, she answered in a slightly sulky voice.

“That’s right. He really was such a persistent person. Seyard must have had a hard time dealing with him too.”

Was that natural? Seyard made a somewhat apologetic expression and comforted his lover.

“I understand. The count is a bit like that. So what did he say to you?”

“He asked me to speak well of him to Seyard? How shameless. After slandering you all that time, now he’s trying to use me.”

“That’s quite typical of the count. He’s someone whose cunning mind works quite well.”

Seyard took a sip of his tea and continued speaking.

“And then?”

Reddish-brown eyes that showed no sign of suspicion gazed at Kisa.

Kisa swallowed her dry saliva while answering nonchalantly.

“Then he brought out all the bribes he had brought along! Even when I tried to get up and leave, he kept pleading and introducing what each item was, so I was terribly bored.”

Hearing that, he shrugged his shoulders with an “Oh my.”

“I’m quite embarrassed on his behalf. But… was that all he said?”

Cold sweat formed in Kisa’s palms.