If You Wish to Have Me - Chapter 110

She bent her stiffened neck and barely managed to nod her head.

“Yes, that’s all the Count said.”

Did she answer in her usual voice? Were the pauses between words appropriate? What about her expression? How about her gaze?

While several obsessive questions swirled through Kisa’s mind, Seyard’s face remained perfectly calm.

“I see.”

He took another sip of tea and answered in a leisurely tone.

“At least it’s fortunate that he didn’t trouble you any further than that.”

Only then could Kisa taste the black tea remaining on her tongue.

However, her heart wasn’t completely at ease enough to let out a sigh of relief.

Seyard could see right through her mind while perfectly concealing his own inner thoughts.

Therefore, Kisa could hardly read his heart except when he chose to reveal it himself.

Had Seyard Hillan truly believed and accepted the answer Kisa had just given?

Even after the conversation topic changed to other matters, Kisa remained troubled by this fact, but she couldn’t show any sign of it.

Someone with his keen observation skills would surely notice even the slightest change.

Because of this, Kisa had no choice but to desperately try to appear normal, carefully controlling each of her actions and gestures, which wore down her nerves.

A few hours later, when Kisa returned to Count Vansfelt’s estate and entered her bedroom, she immediately collapsed like a marionette with severed strings.

Drinking tea with Seyard, strolling through the garden, having dinner… it had been an utterly ordinary day, no different from any other.

Yet she was so exhausted. Since there wasn’t much physical fatigue, it was a mental issue.

Being by Seyard’s side was something that consumed far too much mental energy.

Even more than being in front of her difficult father.

“……”

Kisa’s arms, wrapped around her knees, began to tremble.

She had to acknowledge it now.

The fundamental source of the anxiety she had been feeling for quite some time was none other than her beloved lover, Seyard.

In truth, Kisa had been unconsciously detecting the strange atmosphere he occasionally emanated and the somehow suspicious aspects she couldn’t quite put her finger on.

But she didn’t want to acknowledge it. She was afraid to face the truth.

After all, Seyard had somehow come to occupy the largest part within Kisa.

Looking back, it had started from that moment.

[I love you.]

That day when he suddenly confessed his love, the day she returned from St. Pavela Monastery with indelible suspicions.

Kisa buried her doubts in the ground in exchange for receiving love from the man she had harbored feelings for.

She dismissed the sharp hatred written in his diary as merely a thing of the distant past.

She was truly blinded by love.

Being loved back with the same heart by someone you love was that sweet.

‘He was the first person to tell me he loved me since I lost my mother.’

Since it was a love that neither her father nor Daniel had given her, she didn’t want to let it go no matter what happened.

So she deliberately deceived herself, calling this anxiety rising in her chest pre-wedding blues, and craved Seyard.

At least while she was close to him, feeling his breath, the intense happiness painted over everything else.

“…But is that coming to an end now?”

About an hour ago, the two had shared lips as they usually did.

It was the same ecstatic kiss as always, but Kisa’s heart was surprisingly clearly divided.

There was the part of her that rejoiced in the unchanging love that shone down on her today, and the part that anxiously watched to see if she had hidden her secret well until the end.

Both were Kisa, and that drove Kisa even more mad.

“What should I do?”

Kisa buried her face in her knees and spoke the words she had muttered several times yesterday and today.

What on earth should she do from now on?

She had no intention of being swayed by Daniel, but it was difficult to completely ignore Brother Emil’s confession.

Wasn’t it true that there were various suspicious circumstances surrounding Seyard?

At the same time, she couldn’t rashly conclude that he was a murderer based on mere circumstances alone.

“Mother, what should I do?”

Then, as Kisa was agonizing while pulling at her hair, a whisper reached her ears.

It was words from a demon, not from the late Countess.

-What does it matter? Whether he’s a murderer or not, you can just pretend not to know.

Kisa’s hands began to tremble finely at that cruel suggestion, but the demon continued to speak.

-Even if Seyard really did commit murder, you just need to keep your mouth shut.

-Count Theodore and Daniel don’t have proper evidence anyway.

-If they did, they wouldn’t have said something as ridiculous as asking you to look for it yourself.

-The deceased Vischer Hillan? Of course it’s unfortunate, but he’s not an important person to you, is he?

-So continue to be happy by his side…

Good God. Kisa shuddered at the whispers of the formless demon—no, another self within her.

‘Was I this immoral?’

She never thought herself overflowing with a sense of justice, but she also didn’t think she was selfish enough to prioritize only her own happiness over everything else, whether it be murder or anything else.

Even if she didn’t have the courage to personally step forward and punish criminals, wanting such people to receive appropriate punishment was the basic attitude one should have as a human being.

Kisa closed her eyes and recited prayers to drive out the evil thoughts within her.

“Oh God.”

Though she usually wasn’t even devoutly religious, in situations like this she sought an absolute being.

Even after repeating the prayers several times, what settled in her heart wasn’t faith in God or pious repentance, but something entirely different.

A beautiful yet ugly future of turning away from the truth and becoming happy with Seyard.

The image of the two in her imagination looked so happy that a tear fell from her eye.

Hoping to savor this happy imagination just a little, just a little more, Kisa dozily went to bed.

However, as if mocking Kisa’s hope, the Seyard who appeared in her actual dream was a vicious criminal.

He calmly broke into the villa, strangled his brother’s neck, and then manipulated the incense to start a fire.

It was a terrifying dream.

****

“Kisa!”

At the loud voice, Kisa opened her eyes with a gasp.

The first thing she saw was a pair of eyes watching her.

Ominous bright red pupils. And a hand reaching out on its own.

“Are you alright? You’ve been having nightmares since earlier—”

Smack! The sound of flesh hitting flesh echoed through the dark room.

Only after reflexively swinging her arm could Kisa properly recognize the situation.

The pupils she had thought were creepily red were, upon second look, warm reddish-brown, and the being beside her was the one Kisa loved.

“…Kisa?”

Seyard carefully called Kisa’s name, his extended arm still not withdrawn.

His face was full of worry for his lover.

At that moment, Kisa felt her drowsiness fade as she recalled the previous night’s events.

Yesterday, despite having no particular plans, she had visited the Duke Hillan’s estate.

Two days had passed since her last visit, yet she still couldn’t make any decision.

Her mind was in complete chaos, and her feelings changed a dozen times a day.

In the midst of this, she somehow wanted to see Seyard.

She felt that if she looked at him once more—the source of all this confusion—she might gain some certainty.

No, perhaps she simply wanted to see him.

In any case, Kisa impulsively went to find Seyard.

Since the two often met face-to-face without appointments like this, he welcomed Kisa warmly without particular suspicion.

After that, they drank tea together, read books in the study, and even invited Gilliam and Lily to enjoy card games together.

…Whatever truth was hidden within, on the surface it was an extremely peaceful and leisurely time.

It was also a natural flow when Seyard suggested that Kisa stay at the duke’s estate for the night.

Kisa couldn’t find any particular excuse to refuse.

Or perhaps she hoped to forget everything in his strong arms.

Until drowsiness came after their intense and sweet lovemaking, her choice seemed like the right answer.

At least during that time, no worries or anguish could torment Kisa.

However…

“Kisa, are you really alright? You were sweating like rain while sleeping.”

Seyard gently embraced her slender shoulders.

“Did you have a nightmare? Shall I bring you a cup of warm tea?”

Not only his expression but also his voice asking after her was infinitely caring.

Yet Kisa’s body was trembling mercilessly.

His embrace, which until last night had seemed like an infinitely safe haven, was somehow frightening.

Ah, she had realized it.

Kisa could no longer treat Seyard as she had before, as if nothing had happened.

Even if she ignored Brother Emil’s confession and married him as planned to build a happy family, she would surely spend her lifetime suspecting her spouse, trembling with fear of not knowing when or how the happiness in her hands might be destroyed.

“…I’m fine, Seyard.”

After desperate effort, Kisa managed to form a smile on her lips and slowly shook her head.

“As you said, I had a nightmare and sleep paralysis. But I’m fine now. After all, you’re here by my side like this, Seyard.”

Leaning against Seyard, she thought to herself.

She needed to know the truth.

The truth would decide what would become of her relationship with him.

“I see. I don’t know what kind of nightmare it was, but if I can be of help, I’ll stay by your side as much as you need.”

Seyard gently stroked Kisa’s back and pressed his lips to her golden hair.

“I love you.”

Those words that had once made Kisa tremble with joy now approached her with a different temperature.

Kisa simply felt cold.