If You Wish to Have Me - Chapter 127

A tense silence filled the study, heavy with the unique scent of books.

Kisa carefully mulled over the words spoken by the man standing before her.

That he had needed to become ‘Seyard Hillan’ because of her, of all people?

‘Because I was averse to Vischer?’

Only then did Kisa realize why she had felt an inexplicable sense of unease toward Vischer Hillan from long ago.

As he said, it was due to her memories of meeting the boy ‘Vischer’ in her childhood.

The boy who had casually handed over Mustache Jack’s corpse to young Kisa.

Now, she wouldn’t have suffered such a great shock as to lose her memory over such a thing, and she might have taught the boy that such behavior was insensitive.

But Kisa at that time was different.

The child who had treasured the tabby cat so dearly, the child who had feared death—the existence that had taken her mother from her—more than necessary, chose to forget rather than accept reality.

‘I remember it clearly now…’

To that immature Kisa of that time, the red-haired boy seemed no different from the evil that had taken the cat’s life.

She hadn’t been composed enough to judge the given situation objectively.

The negative emotions once vividly carved into her heart continued to greatly influence her subconscious even after her memories had faded.

‘He wasn’t Mother’s attending physician.’

This man was the fundamental cause that made Kisa unwelcoming toward red hair.

Thinking this way, it made sense why among the several red-haired people she had met, Vischer Hillan had elicited the strongest rejection.

And now this man was saying that because Kisa had been that way, he had become a dead brother.

“I… I don’t…”

Kisa let out a trembling voice with a soft sound.

“I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

She didn’t mean she couldn’t understand the meaning or the thought process.

“Are you saying that for such a trivial reason, you’ve been impersonating your brother who died by your hand all this time? Making your original self into someone who died instead of your brother?”

Upon hearing the second reason, she could be certain.

The fact that if she traced back to find the source of the first reason he had given, Kisa would be at the end of that trail as well.

The broken engagement with the princess—wasn’t that also ultimately for the purpose of being with Kisa?

That is to say, even though he had deliberately divided it into two reasons, ultimately there was only one reason why he had chosen such an absurd life.

Kisa. Kisa Vansfelt. Herself.

Kisa rubbed her temples, feeling her mind becoming confused.

“Is it really because of me? You’re not using me as an excuse when you have some other purpose, are you? What am I to you….What on earth am I to you?”

Kisa simply couldn’t understand whether she truly had the value to make a person abandon the life they had lived thus far.

No one she had met throughout her life had assigned such meaning to her.

Not her blood-related father or younger brother, nor even her former fiancé whom she had known for over ten years.

However, the man who had lived as Vischer Hillan in the past and now lived as Seyard Hillan answered without a moment’s hesitation.

“Because I love you.”

His attitude was as if he were stating an immutable and self-evident truth of this world, like the sun rising again and life eventually ending.

A shock similar to being struck hard on the head overwhelmed Kisa.

“Because of… love?”

“That’s right.”

“Why do you love me? No, there’s no reason for you to love me.”

“Does love require a logical reason?”

“That’s…”

She was at a loss for words at his response, which was uncharacteristically emotional yet somehow perfectly natural.

Without realizing it, Kisa pressed herself closer against the wall behind her and mumbled as if making excuses.

“But it’s strange. I don’t know what could have made you love me to that extent.”

The first meeting when they were children? The beginning and middle weren’t bad, but the ending was the worst.

That day’s incident must have been an unpleasant memory for him as well, not just for Kisa.

From his perspective, he had kindly gone out of his way to find the cat for her, but what he got in return was her crying and pushing him away in rejection.

Even after that, the two had encountered each other a few times in passing, but Kisa couldn’t remember the past and avoided Vischer Hillan whenever they met.

Such blatant rejection must have reached him as well, and it ultimately led to the worst outcome at the banquet hosted by Princess Arta a few years ago.

“You spilled wine on my dress, didn’t you? You said it was an accident, but it was clearly intentional.”

Vischer Hillan was evaluated as sharp and cold, but she had never heard rumors of him committing such rudeness at social gatherings.

He who maintained aristocratic courtesy even toward political enemies had made an exception only for Kisa.

“Well, I wasn’t particularly courteous to you either, so I have no intention of blaming you for that incident now. But didn’t you terribly dislike me up until that point?”

“That’s not true. I’m sorry about that day, Kisa.”

But the person in question shook his head, denying her words.

“I regretted it somewhat afterward, having startled you more than I expected. But what bothered me wasn’t you—it was the dress.”

“The dress?”

“Whose gift was the dress you wore that day?”

“A gift…”

Kisa’s face hardened as she blinked, searching through her past memories.

“Don’t tell me it was because Daniel gave it to me? So you deliberately ruined it?”

Instead of immediately answering that question, Seyard raised his hand and gently traced Kisa’s lips.

It was a careful and tender touch. But…

“I couldn’t even properly speak a word to you for nearly ten years, yet you were happily showing off and smiling with joy over a gift from someone who was neglecting his duties as a fiancé.”

In contrast to his touch, the blatant displeasure and murderous hostility emanating from his low voice made Kisa draw in a small breath.

This was the first time since that day that she had glimpsed such raw negative emotions from him.

[Who would have thought they weren’t just twins—but both brothers even have the same taste in women, what a mess.]

A casual remark the Princess had made a few months ago when she had barged into the Hillan mansion looking for Gabriel.

The expression he had made at that moment was still etched in Kisa’s mind.

As that memory resurfaced, Kisa came to a realization.

‘Ah, that’s how it was.’

Thinking about it now, though she hadn’t consciously recognized it at the time, Princess Arta had essentially touched upon the essence of the matter.

That the Seyard she knew was the same person as Vischer Hillan, and that he loved Kisa.

Looking back, there had been clues everywhere, but Kisa had naively failed to notice them.

And this man had been watching her from afar all along.

Harboring emotions—whether love or obsession—intense enough to spill wine on her dress in front of many people.

A sudden chill that swept through her entire body made her hands tremble slightly.

Perhaps noticing Kisa’s condition, Seyard instantly changed the atmosphere and spoke gently.

“Look at me, Kisa.”

Not having the courage to refuse, Kisa had no choice but to lift her head and meet his gaze.

“Anyway, I’m sorry. Even I thought it was incredibly childish at the time. Still, I was very happy when you wore the red dress I had given you recently. You know, when we went to the villa not long ago.”

The man whispered with the gentle smile that Kisa knew well.

“I love you. I love you.”

The words that had once made Kisa’s heart flutter with indescribable happiness now made her heart tremble with a completely different feeling.

“…I don’t understand.”

She murmured, biting her lip.

“How did you come to love me like that? When exactly did it start? Was there some trigger for it?”

At that question, Seyard’s eyes widened slightly before he smiled faintly and said.

“Regarding that, I believe I’ve told you before.”

“…Before? When was that?”

He paused for a beat before opening his mouth.

“When we first met, you cried in front of me. From then on, I became curious at various moments.”

Kisa frowned at first, not understanding, but soon realized when he was referring to.

It was then. The day when Kisa, harboring suspicions about him, had traveled far to visit St. Pavela Monastery alone and returned.

Rather than resolving her suspicions, she had come back with an even bigger problem—his childhood diary. To such a Kisa, Seyard had suddenly kissed her and confessed his love.

Even then, Kisa had asked for the reason, not understanding why such a perfect person would say he loved her, and Seyard had given a similar answer.

“What you were crying about, whether you had stopped those tears by now, whether you were still suffering from the same thing, whether your eyes had become sore from crying too much.”

A soft sound escaped from Kisa’s lips.

“Then I found you again and wanted to keep watching over you from beside you.”

No. The time he had spoken of that day wasn’t the day they had reunited at the Royal Library.

It was much earlier, the day they had first met.

The story of that day when young Kisa, who had snuck out of the house to look for Mustache Jack, had ultimately returned home crying.

“I finally realized that the emotion that made me this way was love.”