If You Wish to Have Me - Chapter 128

Kisa, who had been standing there blankly, caught her breath.

The emotions the man had poured out were so immense and deep that she needed some time to accept them.

From their first meeting over ten years ago?

Was Seyard saying that he had loved Kisa for such a long time?

It was a much more distant time than she had initially speculated.

“To be honest, I cannot logically explain even to myself what process my emotions went through to become what they are.”

Meanwhile, Seyard’s words continued.

“At first, I simply thought I wanted to understand your tears, which were incomprehensible to me. Perhaps it was the first time in my life that my attempt to show kindness to another person had ended in such spectacular failure, and I couldn’t accept it emotionally.”

“…….”

“Of course, unlike you, everyone I had encountered before knew well that I was the heir to the House of Hillan. Whether they liked it or not, they had no choice but to smile and be grateful for my kindness.”

A somewhat self-deprecating smile appeared at the corner of his lips.

“Even then, my head understood that fact, but my heart did not. After all, I was just a cocky little brat living off my own arrogance at the time.”

Kisa simply listened to his words in silence, recalling the red-haired boy from her memories.

“For me, I couldn’t help but think about that day’s incident and about you from time to time, and as time gradually passed and my knowledge and experience accumulated, I came to clearly understand why my actions had made you cry.”

According to Seyard’s story, as a boy, his understanding and perception of the concept of death were somewhat different from others.

“I knew that most people grieve the death of precious beings, but perhaps because I had never experienced it directly, I underestimated the intensity of that grief.”

He apologized to Kisa once again.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know that Mustache Jack’s death would be such a sad and shocking event for you. I only thought I should let you say goodbye as you had wished.”

As the man gently wrapped her cold hands in his own, her trembling stopped for a moment.

“Now that I love you, I know for certain. How painful it is to lose someone precious.”

Kisa looked down at their joined hands and recalled that day’s events.

‘A farewell.’

Certainly, young Kisa had heard from an old woman who fed cats and had hoped to say goodbye to Jack one last time.

Thinking about it now, the story about Jack possibly having gone on a distant journey was the old woman’s consideration.

Street cats have short lifespans.

From experience, she had intuitively known that Jack was already dead or would die soon, so she had told a well-intentioned lie.

To protect an innocent child’s heart.

‘This clever person probably noticed the lie from the beginning.’

But for a boy who was insensitive to human emotions, a distant journey and death might have been the same thing in that they meant never meeting again.

So he had thoughtlessly presented the cat’s corpse to Kisa, bringing about such a result.

After a moment, Kisa opened her mouth weakly.

“I understand what you’re saying. So you don’t need to apologize. It happened a long time ago, and now I fully understand that there was no malice in your actions. Rather, you were trying to help me, weren’t you?”

However.

“……Separately from that, I still cannot understand your love.”

Kisa pulled her hands free from his grasp as if fleeing.

“It was just a story from when we were children. We only spent about half a day together.”

There hadn’t been any proper interaction between the two of them since then either.

Kisa had lived her own life, and he had lived as Vischer Hillan.

“But Kisa, I really do love you—”

“Please listen to my story first.”

She cut off his attempt to argue and sighed.

“Yes, well, that some bitter memory of failure somehow developed into love… I don’t deeply feel it right now, but I won’t deny it. They say love comes in various forms.”

Kisa continued speaking, slowly organizing her thoughts with her sluggish mind.

“But is it really love directed at me?”

After a moment of silence, Seyard answered.

“I don’t understand the precise meaning of what you’re saying.”

Even the great him doesn’t know everything.

Thinking something quite removed from the current situation, Kisa avoided his gaze.

“Is the person you love really Kisa Vansfelt? The real, existing Kisa Vansfelt, not the Kisa that exists in your head?”

The man’s eyes narrowed.

“Are you saying that I love a version of you created by my imagination?”

“Yes, honestly, that’s what I think. Otherwise, I can’t understand how you could love a woman you haven’t had a proper conversation with since your first meeting.”

“Kisa, certainly the time we spent together was extremely short, but that doesn’t pose a significant problem for love to exist.”

As if to prove his love, he placed his hand over his broad chest.

“The person I love is definitely you. Kisa Vansfelt, who stands before my eyes.”

However, Kisa, with her eyebrows drooping downward, shook her head.

“I don’t know. You keep saying you love me, but strangely, I don’t feel loved.”

Then, before the man could object, she quickly continued.

“Why did you hide your identity from me all this time? Even giving you the benefit of the doubt that you couldn’t tell me at first because I disliked ‘Vischer,’ there were opportunities after we became somewhat close, weren’t there?”

“That’s—”

“And why did you test me with that secret room nonsense? That room was made for me to see from the beginning, wasn’t it? You wanted me to enter the room? If you wanted me to recall that day’s memory, you could have just shown me mother’s scarf from the start and told me about it. Isn’t that right?”

Kisa’s expression gradually crumbled as she fired off multiple questions like a machine gun.

“Is it your love to even act like you’re leaving the capital to draw me out? Can you really call it love to have someone watch whether I enter the room?”

Moisture began to gather in her reddened eyes.

“Answer me. Please?”

The man with a regretful expression stood silently for a moment, looking at Kisa.

Eventually, he stepped back a pace or two from her, as if to reassure the wary Kisa.

“Kisa, actually, besides what I told you yesterday and today, there’s one more lie I told you.”

What Kisa heard, who had been tense wondering what bombshell statement would come next, was an unexpected story.

“Once, when we went to see an opera together and were returning, we had a conversation related to the play’s content.”

There was a memory that came to mind.

The female protagonist in the opera ‘The Lord’s Castle’—she was a character who couldn’t trust her lover who hid his identity, became suspicious, and faced the crisis of being abandoned.

Kisa thought her suspicion was inevitable, so she felt resistance to the play’s portrayal of her as a foolish character, but Seyard’s opinion was different.

[I believe that love should not be accompanied by suspicion.]

What he had said at the time had somehow remained in Kisa’s heart and had come back to her mind even last night, at the moment she opened the box containing the scarf in the secret room.

Perhaps it was because she subconsciously felt that her situation resembled her own.

“Those words that love and suspicion cannot coexist.”

Seward, with his gaze lowered, quietly confessed.

“That was not my true feeling at all. Rather than blindly believing without knowing much about the other person, wouldn’t acting with suspicion be a more active expression of love?”

“…….”

“To believe, to wait until the other person tells you. It sounds quite plausible and nice, but honestly, it can only be interpreted as meaning you’re too scared to take direct action.”

At first, Kisa wondered what this sudden remark was about, but she soon realized it was his answer to the question she had just posed.

“After all, it’s easier to avoid responsibility even if bad results come later when you follow rather than go against another person’s wishes.”

“……What are you trying to say?”

“Oh my, was my story too long-winded? I’m embarrassed. I got too excited while talking.”

He smiled awkwardly and concluded by moving his lips, saying, “I believe—”

“I believe that true love means acting actively for the other person without yielding to petty constraints, even if it means abandoning existing rules, customs, or others’ trust.”

Was it Kisa’s imagination that she could feel deep rapture in his strangely restless voice?

“Just like how Kisa long ago committed the transgression of running away from home to find Mustache Jack.”

Although Kisa had encountered several unfamiliar aspects of Seyard since last night, this was another first.

“Kisa, because you grew up obediently under a strict father, I know well how tremendous a decision that was and what an active expression of love it represented.”

Though she wasn’t sure if this expression was appropriate, to Kisa’s eyes, he seemed both ecstatic and shy.

“I wanted to receive that kind of love too.”

He whispered tenderly, looking at Kisa who couldn’t even let out a groan.

“And gratefully, my dream came true last night. Entering the secret room was a choice that risked losing my trust along with much of yourself. Yet you didn’t yield to that and ultimately chose to know about me.”

Even when Kisa called out “Seyard,” he didn’t stop speaking.

“Thanks to you, I am now the happiest person in this world. I love you, Kisa.”