If You Wish to Have Me - Chapter 139

At that moment, dozens of thoughts flashed through Kisa’s mind as she stood frozen in place.

Why is the nanny here, in this place, at this time?

If the person she had encountered here had been another servant, she wouldn’t have been as shocked as she was now.

‘She should definitely be sleeping by now.’

Having spent so many years together, she knew the nanny’s lifestyle habits inside and out.

For nearly twenty years, it had been her routine to check on Kisa’s bedtime and then return to her own room to fall asleep immediately.

Moreover, the nanny would fall asleep as soon as she lay down in bed, and being a heavy sleeper, once she fell asleep, she wouldn’t wake up easily.

Kisa knew this well, having often sought out the nanny in terror after having nightmares as a child.

Most importantly, Kisa had definitely given the nanny cookies as well.

About two hours ago, the cookies that Kisa had handed out to the servants, one bundle each, claiming they were farewell gifts.

They contained a small amount of sleeping powder that she had purchased through Manoa’s trading group.

The amount was minimal, so she couldn’t expect dramatic effects, but at least it was enough to make whoever ate them sleepier than usual in the evening and ensure sound sleep.

If it had been anyone else, she might not be sure, but the nanny, who loved sweets, would have tasted the cookies as soon as she received them and felt the wave of drowsiness…

‘But why?’

Such questions continued to swirl in her head, but Kisa quickly faced the current situation.

Now was the time to resolve the immediate problem rather than dwell on the unknowable past.

“Nanny.”

The conclusion was reached quickly, and Kisa’s mouth opened.

“I want to leave.”

An extremely simple sentence. But it contained more genuine sincerity than any other words.

‘Trivial excuses won’t work.’

No matter how gullible the nanny was and how much she tended to believe Kisa’s words, she wasn’t someone who could be fooled by excuses thought up on the spot.

At the point of leaving the house with luggage, saying she was just going out for a brief walk would be an all-too-obvious lie, wouldn’t it?

But ignoring the nanny and running toward the front door wasn’t a good option either.

If the nanny just raised her voice right now, several people would wake up and notice something was wrong.

Even if Kisa ran at full speed, she wasn’t confident she could shake them off and reach the location Manoa had told her about.

So persuading the nanny was the best option for now. Even if it was close to a threat.

“If I get married, I’ll surely become unhappy. If that happens, I don’t even know what I might do. That’s why I have to leave now, Nanny.”

Standing on the stairs, Kisa looked up and appealed calmly.

“Please. Pretend you didn’t see me.”

At those words, a sad expression appeared on the nanny’s previously expressionless face.

Or perhaps it was the faint shadows created by the weak light of the lantern she held that made the nanny appear that way.

“I don’t understand why you’re doing this, Miss.”

Those were the words the nanny spoke in a choked voice after staring blankly at Kisa for a moment.

“You were so happy when meeting Duke Hillan. I’ve been watching you from the side all this time, so I can tell. You cherished and loved him even more than young master Daniel.”

At that moment, a small rustling sound came from somewhere, so Kisa couldn’t concentrate on the nanny’s words and glanced back.

For an instant, she thought her heart would drop, but there were no further sounds or signs of people.

Instead, seeing a small, black figure quickly scurrying away, she let out a sigh of relief.

Thank goodness it was a mouse, not a human. If another person appeared after the nanny, Kisa’s plan would undoubtedly end here.

“Just a little longer and even greater happiness awaits you, Miss. So why are you trying to leave like this without a word?”

While Kisa was going back and forth between hell and heaven like this, the nanny’s words continued.

“Where are you planning to go? You intend to leave forever, don’t you? Do you know how harsh the outside world is? How do you plan to live without the Count’s protection?”

The longer her story went on, the more Kisa’s heart was seized by anxiety with each passing moment.

There was no more time to delay. The appointment with Manoa’s people was one thing, but she didn’t know when someone might discover the two of them.

The maid who managed the fireplace regularly walked around the mansion, and though less frequently, there were also guards who patrolled to check if anything was amiss.

Moreover, she couldn’t rule out the possibility that there might be people leaving their bedrooms to use the bathroom or because they couldn’t sleep.

She needed to leave this house quickly, but the nanny’s words showed no sign of ending and were even getting on Kisa’s nerves.

“Did some strange fellow perhaps entice you, Miss? Telling you to run away with him?”

“No, no. It’s not like that.”

A somewhat irritated voice burst out.

Kisa consciously lowered her voice again and then spoke rapidly like a machine gun.

“Duke Hillan is a frightening person. If I marry him, I can’t be happy. This is purely my own judgment, and no one influenced me. I’m going alone.”

“Miss, but—”

“Stop it. Do you want me to be unhappy, Nanny? Then go ahead and shout right now to call people. Then watch me get married and become unhappy. If you want to see me ruined, go ahead and do whatever you want.”

The expression the nanny made immediately after hearing those words…

Even after saying it herself, Kisa regretted the words she had just spoken.

She thought she couldn’t resolve things with kind words alone, but she hadn’t intended to speak so harshly.

The urgency of having no time and her current situation had pressured her that much.

“Nanny, I’m sorry.”

An apology poured out like a sigh, followed by excuse-like words.

“But you don’t know, Nanny. What happened between me and that person. What my heart is like. It’s natural that you can’t understand my current choice.”

“…You never told me.”

It was a very small answer. Kisa reflexively asked “What?” and saw the nanny’s face, which looked both sad and hurt.

“You were so close to me, yet you never once told me. What happened to you, Miss, what you were worrying about so much that you couldn’t sleep well at night.”

The nanny came down the stairs one step at a time.

“Of course I don’t know since you didn’t tell me. When you broke off your engagement with young master Daniel, and when you suddenly got engaged to Duke Hillan, I always wanted to know, but I waited for you to tell me first, Miss.”

Kisa stared blankly at the nanny approaching her. The person who had been like a mother to her ever since Countess Vansfelt’s death, and who in some ways had been closer than a mother.

She used to have to look up at her a long time ago, but now she looked down. Kisa’s height had long since caught up to the nanny’s.

“You’ve grown up to be an adult before I knew it.”

The nanny touched both shoulders she faced with hands that felt quite careful.

“Yes. So this is what becoming an adult means. You used to tell me everything in detail, Miss, but you’ve grown up like this before I knew it.”

“Nanny…”

“I’m sorry for what I said earlier. When I think about it, Miss, you’ve become much smarter than I thought, so there’s no way you’d be enchanted by some fellow. I misspoke.”

Kisa tried to open her mouth to respond to her words.

She had more to say. For instance, that she was also sorry for saying strange things, or that she hadn’t told the nanny anything all this time not because she disliked her.

But before Kisa could say anything, the nanny put strength in her hands and turned Kisa around.

To face the front door, not herself.

“Now, go.”

A familiar and warm voice was heard in her ear.

It was the voice that had sung lullabies to Kisa for many years.

“I was taught that obeying fathers and husbands is the only right path, so I don’t know well, but you have a path you chose for yourself, Miss.”

Before someone else comes, quickly.

Those words pushed Kisa’s back, and she unconsciously took a step forward.

Then she came down the stairs looking only straight ahead and stood in front of the entrance.

Before opening the door and going out, she turned back one last time to see the nanny still standing in that spot, gazing at Kisa endlessly.

Kisa captured her image in her eyes for just a brief moment before stepping outside the mansion.

In the spring dawn, the outside air was still cold.

So cold that tears flowed down Kisa’s cheeks as she walked through the darkness, cutting through it.

Would the situation have been different if she had said something to the nanny a little earlier?

Instead of giving up, thinking she was the father’s person anyway, would there have been something different now if she had at least tried to make her understand her intentions?

Kisa couldn’t know. All she could do was move forward without hesitation.

Before long, Kisa arrived at the main road and discovered the carriage sent by Manoa.

The carriage that safely picked her up headed toward its destination.

Now it was time to leave this dear place.