If You Wish to Have Me - Chapter 91-100

Chap 91

Cobi Brown

Cobi? With wide-open eyes, Kisa carefully examined the unfamiliar man again.

If her memory was correct, that was certainly the name of the person who Seyard had been close with during his time at Pavela Monastery.

The one who worked as an errand boy there and then fled after being caught stealing medicine from the pharmacy for personal profit.

“Oh, long time no see, Seyard.”

The man with sunken eyes answered Seyard’s question with a somewhat awkward expression.

It really was Cobi.

“What on earth happened to you all this time?”

Seyard looked Cobi over with concerned eyes.

“Why do you look like this? I couldn’t recognize you at first.”

“Haha, I’m in quite a state, aren’t I?”

The hand that embarrassedly touched his greasy hair was skeletal.

“After parting ways with you like that, I had some troubles. Naturally, I couldn’t return to my hometown, and having nowhere to go, I wandered from place to place until…”

As he spoke, emotions seemed to overwhelm him, and Cobi began to sniffle.

“I’ve had nothing but a dirty piece of bread to eat for days. Because of other guys’ territorial attitudes, I couldn’t even rest properly in one place.”

Stumbling over his words, he suddenly clasped his hands together and looked at Seyard with desperate eyes.

“But when I thought it was truly the end for me, I remembered you. You’ve become really famous, haven’t you? Everyone on the streets talks about you.”

“Cobi.”

“I’m sorry! I wasn’t by your side when you needed me, and now I shamelessly come looking for you! I’ll apologize a hundred times! I can get on my knees! You can even spit on me if you want!”

“Calm down, Cobi.”

Seyard patted the shoulder of his visibly anxious friend with a steady hand.

“I’m not asking for any of that from you. I’m not particularly angry with you either.”

At that gentle voice, Cobi’s eyes wavered greatly.

“Re-really? You’re really not angry?”

“Yes.”

“But I left you and—”

“Yes, you left me and Pavela Monastery. Honestly, I can’t say I wasn’t disappointed about you stealing medicine and running away. It was outright theft after all.”

“Huh? Oh, right.”

“Of course, I think you should properly pay for your crimes. But separately from that, as a friend, I’ve been worried about you all this time. And if you’re currently in trouble, I’m willing to help.”

“Seyard…”

Cobi grabbed Seyard’s hand on his shoulder tightly and sobbed repeatedly, saying thank you.

“How can I ever repay this kindness? Even historical saints wouldn’t be as merciful as you.”

“Don’t mention it between us. Anyway, it’s a bit awkward to continue our conversation here. Shall we move somewhere else?”

Seyard looked around as he said this.

Being on a main street adjacent to the department store, there were many onlookers watching and whispering about them.

Indeed, it was a shocking sight to see the famous Duke of Hillan not only warmly greeting a beggar but also touching him without hesitation.

Seyard turned to Kisa and apologized.

“Kisa, I’m sorry, but would you mind taking the carriage back to the residence first?”

“Pardon?”

“I’d like to talk more with this friend. Ah, I forgot to introduce you. This is Cobi, whom I mentioned before. We often spent time together at Pavela Monastery.”

Kisa hurriedly greeted Cobi.

“Hello, I’m Kisa Vansfelt. I’m Seyard’s fiancée, and we’re getting married soon.”

It was the first time she was meeting someone who could be called his friend, so she felt a bit shy, and having barely interacted with people of Cobi’s social class before, she was also nervous.

“Oh, so you’re the one I’ve heard about in rumors…”

Looking at Kisa, Cobi narrowed his eyes and licked his lips.

“You’re as beautiful as they say. Seyard really has good taste. Compared to the women in Bonzmos, you’re not even in the same—”

“Cobi.”

Seeing Kisa’s expression darken, Seyard quickly cut off his words.

“Kisa needs to go now. I’ll listen to the rest of your story all you want.”

“Huh? Um, okay.”

“Kisa, please go to the carriage now. I’m sorry I can’t escort you.”

“That’s fine. But if I take the carriage, what will you two do?”

Since Seyard and Kisa had come to the department store together, there was naturally only one carriage.

“It’s alright. We can take a hired carriage.”

Soon, at Seyard’s instruction, the attendants who had been accompanying them split into two groups.

Kisa headed toward the Hillan family carriage they had arrived in, escorted by one group.

“Then I’ll see you next time, my Kisa.”

Before parting, Seyard gave his customary polite and sweet farewell, and Cobi standing beside him looked at him with curious eyes.

“How should I put it? You’ve changed your vibe? Is this what they mean by ‘position makes the man’? Why, in the past…”

As the carriage departed, Cobi’s amused voice scattered in the wind.

What was he like in the past?

Kisa gazed out the window wistfully, but the two men were already too far away.

Come to think of it, the Seyard described by the monks at Pavela Monastery did seem to have a more free-spirited impression compared to now.

Perhaps that’s what it meant for the position of Duke to be such a heavy burden.

“I’m curious too.”

Kisa wanted to know more about Seyard Hillan, the man she loved.

What he was like at the monastery, how he spent his time, what games he enjoyed as a child, and even if he had foods he disliked in the past, unlike now.

She wanted to know everything, even the mundane details that might make one yawn.

But she didn’t want to be considered a nuisance to him.

She couldn’t interfere with Seyard’s reunion with a friend he hadn’t seen in a long time.

‘Cobi.’

To be honest, even from their brief encounter, he left an unpleasant impression.

There was something unsettling about his gaze, and she didn’t appreciate him putting down the women of Bonzmos while complimenting her.

“Well, he is Seyard’s friend after all…”

As Seyard had explained before, he might have various flaws, but he probably wasn’t fundamentally evil.

And if given the opportunity, she would like to hear stories about Seyard later.

Since Cobi had apparently frequented places like gambling dens with him, there was a high probability he knew aspects of Seyard that the monks were unaware of.

‘But is that too much to ask?’

After all, Cobi was a thief.

If Seyard advised him to turn himself in and face the consequences for his crime, he wouldn’t have the leisure to leisurely tell Kisa stories from the past.

“Maybe things will work out smoothly?”

In fact, for simple theft, there were numerous cases where perpetrators weren’t punished if the victim was willing to let it go.

From what she had heard, the monks at Pavela Monastery had been quite resentful of Cobi, but he had Seyard by his side now.

If the Duke of Hillan mediated, there was a high chance the monastery would view Cobi’s crime more leniently.

Seyard had said earlier that Cobi should formally pay for his crimes, so even if he didn’t make it disappear entirely, he might arrange for him to receive only a light punishment.

Above all…

“Seyard looked genuinely happy.”

Kisa had clearly seen the expression he wore the moment he recognized Cobi.

Seyard had been smiling with great satisfaction, as if he had finally found something he had been searching for a long time.

Considering his personality of rarely showing his emotions beyond a certain level, it was a notable reaction.

It was immediately apparent how special a friend Cobi was to Seyard.

So it was highly likely that he would do his utmost to improve Cobi’s situation.

‘But.’

Reflecting on what had just happened, a memory came to mind.

“I’m sorry for breaking my promise and running away back then…”

What exactly did those words that Cobi said to Seyard mean?

“By running away, he meant leaving the monastery after his theft was discovered, right?”

Wasn’t it because he fled alone that only Seyard, who had been close to Cobi, received negative attention from others?

“Then what does breaking a promise mean?”

Kisa tilted her head briefly, then clapped her hands as it dawned on her.

“That’s right, he had arranged to meet but didn’t show up at the meeting place.”

Because of that, Seyard had left the monastery without permission to go to another region, and by an incredible coincidence, was even suspected of murdering his own brother.

“Hmm.”

While Cobi probably didn’t know these intimate details, he had plenty of reasons to feel apologetic toward Seyard.

Kisa sighed deeply, as she still found Cobi to be quite disagreeable.

Even so, she had no intention of interfering in Seyard’s friendships, and she still wanted to have a conversation with Cobi at some point.

Kisa really wanted to know more about Seyard.

How about the three of them having a meal together sometime?

Thinking that she should suggest this to Seyard, Kisa lifted the corners of her mouth.

The thought of possibly learning about different aspects of him made her feel excited.

However, two days later, when Kisa visited the Duke of Hillan’s residence, she had to face a result contrary to her expectations.

“I’m sorry, Kisa. That won’t be possible.”

Seyard said with a troubled face.

“Cobi left the capital. Just yesterday.”

 

Chap 92

The Happiness of This Moment

It was quite sudden news. Cobi, whom I had met just the day before yesterday, was now no longer in the capital.

“May I ask why he left this place?”

To Kisa’s question, Seyard replied nonchalantly.

“I recommended it.”

“You did, Seyard?”

A few seconds later, Kisa made an “ah” sound as if she understood.

“Did you send him to Bonzmos? You persuaded him to go to the Pavela Monastery and turn himself in, right?”

“Unfortunately, that’s not the case.”

He shrugged his shoulders.

“That was my greatest hope, but the person in question was too resistant. Cobi, in fact, had many complaints about the monastery.”

“Really?”

“From the perspective of the monks there, they believe they’ve shown him great kindness, but he seems to have felt differently. Well, the same situation can be perceived quite differently by different parties.”

This was something Kisa had never considered before.

Come to think of it, even Seyard, a member of the prestigious Duke Hillan’s family, had been frowned upon during his time at the monastery for his supposedly improper conduct.

With Cobi lacking proper social standing and associating with Seyard, it seemed unlikely that he would have been treated well.

The monks who had welcomed Kisa several months ago were generally kind, but they were only a few, and it would be premature to assume they maintained the same attitude toward Cobi.

There was a clear difference in circumstances between her—a noblewoman and Duke Hillan’s fiancée who visited with a certain level of hospitality—and Cobi, who occupied the bottom rung of the monastery hierarchy, tasked with all manner of errands.

Kisa slowly nodded her head.

“Indeed, that makes sense.”

“Of course, I intend to eventually persuade Cobi to properly face the crimes he committed. But as his friend, I don’t want to force him when he’s so firmly against it.”

“I understand that feeling.”

Seyard was indeed a warm-hearted person. Upon seeing Kisa, he gave a faint smile.

“Thank you for saying that. Anyway, I want to give Cobi some time for now. He’s in such a devastated state that it’s hard to recognize his former self. Both physically and mentally.”

Seyard, having judged that recovery was the priority, had sent him to a region quite far from the capital.

“He’s at one of the Hillan family’s vacation homes. I asked him to take on the position of caretaker there.”

“Caretaker?”

“Yes, partly for recuperative purposes, and in my view, it would be good for Cobi to learn the value of honest labor. From what I observed at the monastery, merely serving others doesn’t seem to suit his temperament at all.”

“So you gave him a position and assigned him specific duties?”

“That’s right. There aren’t many people there either, so the possibility of conflict with others is minimal.”

“That’s true. But…”

Kisa found herself trailing off. She couldn’t help but wonder if it might have been better to keep Cobi here and give him work to do.

Seyard would surely want to see his friend frequently after their reunion, and keeping him close would make it easier to monitor how well Cobi was adapting to his new life.

Although she understood there were other purposes like recuperation, the image of Seyard’s joyful face after reuniting with Cobi the other day kept appearing in her mind.

“I did consider having Cobi stay in this mansion.”

The perceptive Seyard seemed to have read Kisa’s thoughts at a glance.

“But before being his friend, I am the head of the Hillan family. I couldn’t make the choice to bring a criminal into the household, not knowing what kind of trouble he might cause again.”

Upon reflection, Kisa realized Seyard was right.

Her cheeks reddened slightly at the thought that she had viewed the problem with too narrow a perspective.

The more Kisa learned about Seyard, the more she liked him.

Not only did he genuinely care for his friend, but he also clearly distinguished between public and private matters.

As she was thinking this, Seyard opened his mouth after a brief silence.

“And to be frank, I wanted to keep Cobi far away from you.”

This was completely unexpected.

“From me? Why?”

“Kisa might have noticed, but Cobi has a fondness for women. And he certainly cannot be called a moral person.”

“Ah.”

“In fact, when he was talking with you the other day, I felt quite uncomfortable inside.”

His voice suddenly dropped lower.

“I don’t like another man looking at you that way.”

His reddish-brown eyes momentarily filled with distinct animosity before quickly returning to normal.

“It’s strange. This is the first time I’ve felt this way while being with Cobi.”

“Seyard…”

“I suppose it means how deeply I care for you.”

Embarrassed, Kisa fidgeted with the handle of the teacup in front of her.

He had a tendency to come out with such unexpected declarations, and each time, Kisa found herself at a loss for words.

However, having been officially in a relationship with him for quite some time, things had changed from before.

“I feel the same way.”

Kisa belatedly expressed her honest feelings in a small voice.

“I love you.”

At that, a smile spread across Seyard’s face.

Looking at him, Kisa felt a great sense of happiness and just a slight sense of dismay.

‘Oh dear, I can’t bring myself to say it.’

In fact, she had been about to suggest that they visit Cobi together sometime.

Since the place Cobi was managing was a Hillan family vacation home, it wouldn’t seem strange for Seyard and Kisa to visit for leisurely purposes.

But Kisa wasn’t insensitive enough to make such a suggestion to Seyard, who had just expressed jealousy toward Cobi.

Although she wanted to hear stories about her lover’s past, it would be putting the cart before the horse if it upset him.

‘And to be honest…’

It might sound strange, but there was something pleasing about seeing him, who was always gentle and affectionate, display such overt jealousy regarding her.

Suddenly, a thought occurred to her. Perhaps what mattered most wasn’t who Seyard was before meeting Kisa, but who he was now, right in front of her.

With that thought, she wasn’t entirely disappointed about missing out on hearing Cobi’s stories.

“Kisa?”

Seyard looked up at Kisa, who had suddenly risen from her seat.

Without giving any particular answer, Kisa moved a few steps and plopped down beside him on the sofa.

Right beside him. Leaning against Seyard’s sturdy body, Kisa whispered quietly.

“I just feel like being a little spoiled.”

Goodness, to say “spoiled” aloud. It was a surprising word even coming from her own lips.

The strict Count Vansfelt hadn’t tolerated even the slightest hint of spoiled behavior from Kisa even when she was young.

“Is that so?”

But Seyard was not the Count.

Chuckling, he shifted his position and easily enclosed Kisa within his embrace.

“I find myself in the mood to indulge you.”

His voice tickled the nape of her neck, and Kisa squirmed a little but didn’t try to leave his arms.

The two remained silent for a moment, sharing each other’s warmth.

“Seyard.”

Suddenly, Kisa spoke.

“I’m truly happy right now.”

The answer came immediately.

“So am I.”

A cozy moment spent with a beloved. Could there be a happier time than this?

As she had just said, Kisa was truly happy.

I’m happy. Kisa repeated to herself with closed eyes.

As if refusing to acknowledge any other, less pure emotions.

****

That day too, Kisa was at the Duke Hillan’s mansion.

While Seyard attended to his work, Kisa sat in a corner of his office reading a newspaper.

At first, she had intended to go elsewhere, concerned that her presence might disturb him, but Seyard had stopped her.

He wanted to be in the same space as her.

Sharing his sentiment, Kisa gladly stayed.

She pretended to read the newspaper diligently while occasionally stealing glances at him working.

‘He’s so handsome.’

Seyard was always handsome, but there was a magical charm about him when he scanned documents with serious eyes or occasionally engaged in difficult conversations with Gilliam.

As Kisa was engrossed in admiring him, their gazes met.

She hastily turned her attention back to the newspaper, embarrassed at being caught staring blankly at him.

Seyard then rose from his chair at the desk and approached the sofa where Kisa was sitting.

“Is there an interesting article?”

Since she hadn’t really been reading the newspaper properly, Kisa randomly pointed to an article.

“I was reading this.”

“This is…”

It was an article about a vagrant’s body discovered yesterday in the lower reaches of the Anne River that cuts through the capital.

The article explained that the identity had not yet been revealed, but judging from the stab wounds on the body, it appeared the person had died after being stabbed.

Furthermore, due to the lack of evidence or witnesses, the perpetrator had not yet been caught.

In all likelihood, the perpetrator would never be arrested, nor would the identity of the body ever be revealed.

This wasn’t just a recent occurrence.

The capital’s police officers weren’t idle enough to pay attention to every death of those wandering the streets.

Moreover, it was quite common for vagrants to take each other’s lives after conflicts.

Unless ordinary citizens became involved in their disputes, such incidents typically received little attention before disappearing from people’s memories, leaving behind just a few lines in articles.

After briefly reviewing the article’s content, Seyard spoke.

“It’s quite a heavy article. I didn’t know you were interested in this type of content.”

“Yes, I wasn’t originally. But today I was reminded of Cobi for some reason.”

“…..Why Cobi?”

He asked as he wrapped his arm around Kisa’s shoulder.

 

Chap 93

Forgotten Memories

“Well, until recently, Cobi was in the same situation as this victim.”

Kisa turned her head and met eyes with the man leaning casually against the sofa.

“It’s fortunate that he met Seyard when he did. Though it feels wrong to say this, if it hadn’t happened, he might have been in danger too.”

“…I see.”

Seyard relaxed his slightly tense lips and offered a faint smile.

“Kisa, you truly have a sunny disposition. Even worrying about Cobi.”

Feeling embarrassed, Kisa scratched her cheek.

“It’s nothing. He’s your friend after all.”

Although he didn’t strike her as someone with a particularly good impression, he was still someone dear to Seyard, so Kisa’s honest wish was for him to find a better path.

She imagined Cobi, who would be somewhere far away by now.

She hoped he would properly atone for his crimes, rehabilitate himself, and live diligently without committing any more wrongdoing.

When Kisa shared these sentiments, Seyard nodded leisurely.

“I’m sure he can do that.”

Coming from him, of all people, Kisa felt an inexplicable certainty.

At that moment, Seyard’s hand cupped Kisa’s chin.

“Kisa.”

Their gazes met, his touch both respectful and gentle, and her name spoken in that deep, beautiful voice.

Kisa now knew what would come next well enough to predict it with her eyes closed.

Naturally, their lips met.

The first few times had been difficult, but with repetition, the two explored each other’s warmth more frequently.

Thanks to this, Kisa, who had initially struggled to keep up with Seyard’s movements, could now act somewhat more proactively.

To confess, kissing was a far more pleasant activity than Kisa had vaguely imagined.

So pleasant that she felt slightly regretful for not having known about it until now.

Of course, this wasn’t to say she wished she had kissed Daniel or any other man before meeting Seyard.

Kisa sincerely thought it fortunate that Seyard Hillan was her first partner.

Although she didn’t dare ask, she suspected the same was true for Seyard.

‘He went to the monastery when he was young.’

He had previously confirmed that during his time at the monastery, he hadn’t been close to anyone of the opposite sex.

If so, then Kisa would be his first partner as well.

Thinking this, her heart swelled, yet contradictorily, a suspicion like black smoke formed in a corner of her mind.

For a first-timer, his kisses seemed too skillful.

‘Skillful…right?’

Naturally, as someone whose first kiss was with Seyard, Kisa had almost no basis to judge whether he was skillful or not.

She could only guess that since his attitude was more relaxed than hers and she felt so good, he must be skillful.

Perhaps he wasn’t particularly skilled either.

The reason she felt good might simply be because the person she was kissing was Seyard.

‘Yes, that must be it.’

Honestly, Kisa would prefer this explanation several times over than the possibility that he had other partners before her.

Otherwise, she would suffer from burning jealousy.

Certainly more than when she learned about Hazel’s existence.

Just as she was thinking this.

With a small groan, Kisa’s mind returned from imagination to reality.

Seyard had lightly bitten the tip of her tongue.

It didn’t hurt, but it startled her a little.

‘Is he telling me to focus on the kiss?’

However, for some reason, his tongue retreated obediently.

Kisa watched the departing lips with a slightly disappointed look.

How to express it—today’s kiss felt fresher and lighter than usual.

From the beginning, the fact that Kisa could drift into other thoughts was due to his somewhat loose movements.

“By the way, Kisa.”

Gently wiping away the saliva from the corner of her mouth, he asked.

“Do you perhaps have something troubling you?”

“Troubles?”

“It may be my imagination, but recently, you don’t look well. Are you tired?”

“Ah, I have been sleeping poorly these past few days.”

Fearing he would worry, Kisa hurriedly waved her hand.

“But it’s nothing! It’s not even insomnia. Sometimes I’m just like this for no reason. It gets better with time.”

“Is that so? So you don’t have any concerns—”

“No. None at all. What would I have to worry about these days? Everything is going smoothly.”

The external circumstances surrounding her were as calm as gentle waters, and above all, Kisa and Seyard’s relationship was excellent—it was enough just to gaze at each other.

Therefore, Kisa should currently be without worries and simply happy.

…She should be.

Seyard quietly observed his lover for a moment, then brushed her side-swept hair.

“That’s a relief then.”

He didn’t ask the same question again.

****

[Kisa, my beloved daughter. Come here.]

Her mother, who had smiled while saying those words, could not endure the particularly cold winter and fell into eternal sleep.

She has passed away. The red-haired doctor who resembled blood announced her death, and her father quietly covered his eyes.

Meow. There was a cat that cried like that.

An annoying cat that would always flee when Kisa tried to pet it, despite filling its belly with the food she provided.

On one winter day, that cat no longer avoided Kisa’s touch.

It could no longer avoid it.

Holding the small, cold body in her arms, Kisa…

“Miss!”

Her eyes flew open at the shout that struck her eardrums.

“Miss! Are you alright?”

Kisa stared blankly at the figure shaking her body.

“Nanny?”

Her nanny, with a worried face, was looking down at Kisa who lay in bed.

Judging by the darkness of the surroundings except for a single lamp illuminating the room, it seemed to still be night.

Raising her upper body, she asked her nanny.

“What’s wrong?”

“What do you mean, what’s wrong? You were moaning as if having a nightmare.”

“I was?”

“Yes, it’s a good thing I came to check on you.”

Occasionally visiting to ensure Kisa was sleeping well was one of the nanny’s duties.

In fact, shortly after the Countess of Vansfelt’s death, she had slept in the same bed as young Kisa.

This was because Kisa would frequently wake up and cry for the deceased Countess.

The nanny, sitting on the edge of the bed, carefully asked.

“Did you have a scary nightmare?”

“A nightmare.”

For some reason, she didn’t want to talk about the Countess.

The nanny viewed Kisa, who had lost her mother at a young age, with great sympathy, but Kisa honestly found it burdensome at times, though she appreciated the sentiment.

For that reason, Kisa mentioned another presence in her dream besides the Countess.

“I dreamed about Mustache Jack.”

“Mustache Jack? Ah, that stray cat?”

The name Mustache Jack came from the black markings around its nose that resembled a mustache.

It was a name given by young Kisa to a cat that used to frequent the Vansfelt mansion as if it were its own home.

Although Count Vansfelt wouldn’t tolerate animal fur in his mansion and thus couldn’t keep pets, Kisa was extremely fond of that cat.

For the young girl grieving the loss of her mother, Jack’s presence provided immense comfort.

It was Mustache Jack who restored Kisa’s smile after a long absence.

So much so that she had even insisted on taking over the responsibility of feeding him, a task that was originally rotated among the mansion’s servants.

For the typically timid Kisa, this was quite unimaginable.

But…

“When that cat died, it was really chaotic. I broke a sweat trying to calm you down as you wept uncontrollably. I was so worried you might get dehydrated.”

The sense of loss that struck Kisa when Jack breathed his last was equally immense.

With some exaggeration, it felt like losing her mother a second time.

Perhaps because of this, her memories of Mustache Jack’s death, like those of the Countess, were somewhat vague.

She remembered the cat’s death, but couldn’t precisely recall what caused it.

It seemed that erasing memories when faced with unbearable sorrow was Kisa’s way of coping, as she was just a child then.

‘I vaguely remember what happened after that.’

The person who first suggested creating a grave for Mustache Jack in the mansion’s backyard was Daniel.

For some reason, Daniel, showing uncharacteristic sympathy, took especially good care of Kisa during that time.

He had brought a shovel from somewhere and dug up the ground, saying they should make it secretly when the servants weren’t around, as the Count would surely disapprove.

Thinking about it, that was when Daniel began to seep into Kisa’s heart.

Jack’s death was the catalyst that made her rely excessively on Daniel.

The nanny shook her head, perhaps recalling the complexity of those times.

“Plus, Miss, you went missing then. I thought my heart would stop.”

Kisa’s eyes widened at the unexpected word that suddenly emerged.

“What? Missing?”

“Oh my, don’t you remember?”

“I really went missing?”

“Yes. You disappeared without a trace one day, and the mansion was turned upside down. We only later found out it was because of that cat.”

Even hearing this, she had no memory of it. It seemed to be part of the memories that vanished due to shock.

“Where did I go?”

“I wouldn’t know. If you don’t remember, then only Young Master Daniel would know.”

“Wait, why is Daniel’s name coming up here?”

“Because you left with Young Master Daniel.”

“How did that happen?”

“I don’t know. You were pale and could only cry, and Daniel seemed angry and kept his mouth shut, so there was no way to find out.”

The nanny tapped her cheek, reminiscing about the old days.

“Um…what was it again? You met a bad person outside? That’s all you said.”

 

Chap 94

Anxiety

“What do you mean ‘bad person’? Who was it?”

Kisa hurriedly bent toward her nanny, but the woman merely shrugged her shoulders.

“How would I know? I really only heard that much. Well, perhaps the two of you went outside and encountered some rough neighborhood children or persistent street ruffians?”

The nanny nodded several times, as if her speculation made perfect sense.

“You and Young Master Daniel were wearing nice clothes, so you would have attracted attention. Still, it’s a tremendous relief that you both returned safely.”

“…….”

Kisa stared into space momentarily before turning her gaze back to her nanny.

“Nanny, could you tell me more about that time?”

“Pardon? Why?”

“It’s bothering me for some reason.”

“You should be getting back to bed now.”

“I’ll go to sleep after hearing it. If I don’t, I’ll be too curious to fall asleep.”

“My goodness, it’s not even a pleasant story…….”

Despite saying this, the nanny folded her arms and began searching through her old memories.

She was too fond of chatting to refuse Kisa’s request.

“Well, that day, Marquis Lowens visited the mansion with Young Master Daniel, just like any other day. I was suffering from a severe cold at the time, so I was mostly confined to my room. But around early afternoon, suddenly one of the maids came looking for me, pale as a ghost.”

The incident had been such a major event that the nanny remembered it vividly, despite it being more than ten years ago.

[Would you believe it, Miss Kisa and Young Master Daniel were nowhere to be found!]

It was only natural that there would be a commotion when children not yet ten years old disappeared together.

Upon hearing the news, Count Vansfelt flew into a rage, scolding the servants who had failed to properly watch the children, making them tremble with fear.

[Marquis Lowens tried to restrain the Count. He was relatively calm.]

This was because Daniel, being quite the troublemaker, had a history of disappearing on his own several times at his own home.

The Marquis suggested that his son might have enticed Kisa to go out to play, and proposed that they send out servants to look for the two children before filing an official missing persons report.

Count Vansfelt accepted his friend’s suggestion, and servants from both families were dispatched throughout the capital city to search for them.

However, several hours passed without any sign of Kisa and Daniel, and they had just decided to file a missing persons report to get help from the police when…

“Miraculously, the two of you returned. And on your own feet, no less.”

Daniel was holding the crying Kisa’s hand with one hand while carrying a cat’s corpse in his other arm.

“Miss fell asleep as soon as you arrived at the mansion, so the Count and Marquis took Young Master Daniel aside to question him about what had happened.”

But no matter how much he was scolded, Daniel wouldn’t reveal the details.

Even the statement about meeting a “bad person” outside was only extracted after considerable pressing.

“After discussing it, the Count and Marquis decided to let the matter go. Although there had been quite a commotion, everything ended without any real trouble. The family doctor examined both of you and found that Miss and Young Master were both perfectly fine. Miss had been crying because of the cat.”

Kisa could roughly guess what happened next without having to hear it from the nanny.

Considering the timing, that was the only opportunity Daniel would have had to secretly call Kisa out and create the grave for Mustache Jack in the garden.

Kisa reflected on her hazy memories.

‘Come to think of it, it was near sunset.’

Everything seemed to have been bathed in a red glow from the sunset.

In that sunset, Daniel had hurriedly dug the ground with a shovel while Kisa weakly watched.

Looking back, the main reason Kisa had been so dejected at the time was probably not just the shock from the cat’s death, but primarily because she had just woken up after collapsing into sleep.

Moreover, Daniel, who had slipped away after being scolded by the adults, must have been hastily digging the ground to bury the corpse before it was time to leave.

‘No wonder my memories of that time are so vague.’

On that very same day, Kisa had experienced a major event that required her memories to be erased.

“Actually, Miss had been fussing a few days before that. Saying that cat was nowhere to be seen. But I never imagined you would go outside with Young Master Daniel to look for the cat…….”

Kisa tilted her head at the nanny’s lament.

While the circumstances suggested her words were correct, Kisa somehow didn’t quite believe them.

Daniel had been particularly attentive to Kisa during that period, but would he really have been kind enough to leave the mansion with her to look for Mustache Jack?

Daniel didn’t particularly like Mustache Jack, and whenever he visited the Vansfelt mansion, he was busy going out to play by himself through the dog hole.

‘Wait, the dog hole?’

Kisa immediately decided to confirm a suspicion that had just occurred to her.

“Was the hole in the wall near the back gate also sealed up at that time?”

“Ah, yes. Once they discovered that you and Young Master had slipped out through there.”

“I see.”

She had just assumed it had been sealed at some point, but there had been a specific reason after all.

Kisa fell into deep thought.

What on earth had happened outside?

The reason Kisa left the mansion was surely Mustache Jack, even if Daniel had other motivations.

That tabby cat had been precious to young Kisa at the time.

It wouldn’t be strange if she had lost her memory due to the shock of discovering Jack’s corpse.

‘But something doesn’t seem right…….’

Daniel’s mention of meeting a “bad person” outside also bothered her, and although she couldn’t explain why, she had a feeling that wasn’t the whole story.

What could have happened? What could have-

“Ugh,”

She clutched her forehead as a sudden headache struck.

“Miss!”

The startled nanny rubbed Kisa’s back.

“Are you alright? Are you in pain?”

“Thinking about what happened back then just gave me a bit of a headache…….”

“Oh my goodness! I suppose I shouldn’t have brought it up after all. Please lie down quickly. Should I bring you a headache remedy? Or should I call for the doctor?”

“It’s fine. I’m feeling better now.”

Kisa allowed herself to be pushed onto the bed by the nanny while stopping her from leaving immediately.

After tucking Kisa in tightly, the nanny instructed her with a worried expression.

“Don’t try to recall unpleasant memories and just rest easy. You’ve already been looking rather weak lately. And it seems you haven’t been sleeping properly either.”

“……So you knew.”

Kisa wasn’t the only one who had noticed her poor condition; Seyard had as well.

“Of course I knew. Who has been closest to Miss all this time?”

After a brief silence, Kisa spoke up.

“I don’t understand it myself. Why I’m like this. How should I put it…… I feel uneasy.”

Kisa found herself sharing her honest feelings.

Despite everything, the nanny was still her nanny. Although Kisa couldn’t fully like her because she was more Count Vansfelt’s person, she had still filled part of the void left by Kisa’s mother.

“I should only have happy things ahead of me, but strangely, I feel anxious. And because I don’t know why I’m feeling anxious, I feel even more anxious.”

The nanny gently stroked Kisa’s hand that had peeked out from under the blanket.

“It’s alright, Miss. It’s natural for you to feel anxious. After all, you’re about to start a new life.”

It was a wrinkled hand.

“There’s no one who’s only excited about becoming family with a new person and leaving a familiar home and beloved people for a strange place. All brides-to-be feel melancholic like you, Miss.”

“……Is that really the case?”

“Of course. It’s a symptom commonly called pre-wedding depression.”

“Did you feel that way before your wedding too, Nanny?”

“I did. It was a long time ago, but yes, I did.”

Listening to the nanny’s words, Kisa closed her eyes. A slight sense of relief filled her chest.

‘Yes, that must be it.’

The nanny, with more life experience than Kisa, was assuring her.

This anxiety enveloping her now was merely a rite of passage that everyone getting married goes through.

So it was nothing to worry about.

Nothing was wrong.

Afterward, the nanny told her own story of how anxious she had been before her marriage and how that anxiety had disappeared after the wedding.

Kisa fell asleep to the gentle sound of her voice as a lullaby.

Fortunately, she didn’t have any nightmares this time.

However, deep inside her, some form of anxiety still lurked.

The next day, Kisa hurried to the Duke of Hillan’s mansion as if being chased.

She wanted to confide in Seyard about the dream she had the previous night.

Only when she was by his side could she completely forget this inexplicable anxiety.

He was someone who always listened attentively to Kisa’s stories and provided comfort to her heart.

He silently listened as Kisa spent quite a long time explaining her nightmare, the cat named Mustache Jack, and the commotion that had occurred at Count Vansfelt’s mansion more than ten years ago.

“……I see.”

After the story ended, Seyard met Kisa’s eyes.

“To have experienced such a thing in your childhood, you must have suffered greatly.”

“Oh, it wasn’t that bad.”

Kisa waved her hand dismissively, feeling embarrassed to receive such sympathy from someone who had to leave his home at a much younger age than herself.

“No, it was. To have even lost your memories, how difficult it must have been…… My heart aches for you.”

He seemed genuinely regretful.

“However, dwelling on past events isn’t particularly beneficial either.”

“Ah, yes. That’s true.”

Suddenly, his hand moved toward Kisa’s wrist.

Seyard fingered the diamond bracelet he had given her as an engagement gift and said:

“You mentioned that no matter how hard you try to remember, the memories don’t come back, right? Then why not just forget about it?”

“Pardon?”

A subtle smile appeared on his sculpture-like face.

“Focus on the happy present and future rather than the painful past.”

 

Chap 95

Present and Future Rather Than the Past

Kisa blankly repeated what he had said.

“Present and future rather than the past…”

Seyard nodded his head firmly once.

“That’s right. What good does it do to recall painful memories?”

“Well…”

“To be honest, I don’t want to see Kisa suffering any more than this.”

His eyes, full of concern, were directed at her.

“In the past year, both of us, but especially you, have gone through a lot. The environment surrounding us has changed significantly.”

That was true. Kisa had broken off her engagement with Daniel, whom she had been engaged to for over ten years, became newly engaged to Seyard, and was now preparing for marriage.

“Although things are peaceful now, it’s understandable that you feel confused.”

Seyard seemed to attribute Kisa’s recent sleepless nights to these changes in her environment.

“If you dwell on past events, your confusion might only worsen.”

“Seyard…”

“Kisa, I’m worried about you.”

What could she say in front of her lover who expressed such concern with furrowed brows?

After a brief silence, Kisa opened her mouth.

“I understand. Thinking about it now, you’re right.”

Looking at him as his expression relaxed, Kisa also managed a faint smile.

“I really can’t win against you, Seyard. You’ve seen right through my heart again.”

In truth, until just moments ago, her thoughts had been entirely occupied with what might have happened outside on that day when her younger self left home to find Mustache Jack.

That’s why before coming here, while having breakfast with Count Vansfelt, she had asked him about that day.

She thought that the Count might know parts that her nanny didn’t.

But contrary to her expectations, the Count’s story differed little from her nanny’s.

Rather, he seemed quite displeased with the incident and was even more tight-lipped about it.

Well, it was understandable—the servants at the Count’s residence hadn’t noticed when the young lady went outside.

From his perspective, it was nothing short of a major disgrace.

According to her nanny, several servants were instantly dismissed because of that incident.

‘I feel a bit sorry that it was because of me, but…’

Strictly speaking, they were at fault.

Come to think of it, perhaps because Kisa had been such a well-behaved child, the servants who looked after her at that time tended to be somewhat inattentive.

Daniel, who often visited the Count’s residence, frequently came and went through a small gap in the wall, and no one had noticed until that incident.

They had believed Kisa when she claimed they were just playing hide-and-seek at Daniel’s insistence.

Though Kisa shouldn’t say it, it must have been an inexcusable dereliction of duty from the Count’s perspective.

Only her nanny, who had been ill and absent that day, was able to escape the Count’s wrath.

Anyway, Count Vansfelt seemed reluctant to recall the incident, but when Kisa kept asking, he reluctantly answered her questions.

“Well, what you heard from your nanny is all there is to it.”

“Really? I heard that you and Marquis Lowens questioned Daniel in detail about what happened. Don’t you remember anything else?”

“Even if you say that… how can I remember something from so long ago now?”

“Try to recall. Nanny told me that Daniel said we met a bad person outside.”

It didn’t seem likely that the meticulous Count would have simply overlooked such a topic.

Even if Kisa and Daniel hadn’t been harmed directly, there was every possibility they could have been involved in something unpleasant.

For instance, they might have unwittingly leaked information to political opponents who harbored ill will toward the Vansfelt or Lowens families.

When Kisa voiced these suspicions, the Count shook his head.

“That’s unlikely. Arthur and I were concerned about that too, so we questioned him thoroughly, but the ‘bad person’ Daniel mentioned was a child.”

“…A child?”

“He said it was a boy who appeared to be two or three years older than him. Certainly not an adult.”

When Mustache Jack died, Kisa and Daniel were nine years old.

That meant the boy who was two or three years older than Daniel would have been eleven or twelve at most.

Moreover, the Count continued:

“And the reason Daniel was so angry was probably because of the cat. He kept muttering something involving a mustache.”

“Is that so? What did Mustache Jack have to do with that boy…”

“Well, it’s obvious, isn’t it? The cat probably died from a stone thrown by some mischievous neighborhood kid.”

“What? Surely not. He was just a child.”

“Kisa, you might not know this, but at that age, children can sometimes be even more cruel than adults. They don’t have clearly established standards of good and evil yet.”

Count Vansfelt’s conjecture was eerie but sounded quite logical and plausible.

If young Kisa had witnessed Mustache Jack’s death due to someone’s cruel malice, it would certainly have been deeply traumatic for her.

‘Still…’

Somehow, the uneasy feeling in a corner of Kisa’s heart showed no signs of disappearing.

She kept feeling that there must be something else, something more to the story.

“Anyway, I don’t know anything beyond that. If you’re really curious, ask Daniel. If you’ve forgotten, he probably remembers it best.”

“Daniel has gone away to recover.”

“If you ask Marquis Lowens’ family, they could probably deliver a letter to him. Of course, getting entangled with your former fiancé over such a trivial matter would be nothing short of foolish.”

It was essentially a warning not to dig any further into past events.

Even without her father telling her so, Kisa had no desire whatsoever to write to Daniel.

Daniel, who had many grievances against Kisa, would certainly not tell her willingly.

Although she was concerned about Mustache Jack’s death, it wasn’t worth the risk of being manipulated by him again.

Still, she couldn’t help feeling troubled, so Kisa had sought out Seyard to confide in him about the whole situation.

‘I thought he would give me answers as he always does…’

And indeed he had. He gave her a clear and comforting answer: to forget.

It was strange. She had already heard similar advice from her nanny and the Count, yet she couldn’t let it go.

Though she understood their concerns, her desire to recover the missing pieces of her memory was still more desperate.

But facing Seyard’s worried eyes now, she felt an inexplicable guilt.

‘Right, why should I worry this person over some insignificant past?’

To the present Kisa, Seyard Hillan was as important as Mustache Jack had once been.

No, he was even more precious than Jack.

“Until just moments ago, I was obsessing over Jack’s death without even realizing it, but now I feel like my eyes have been opened.”

Kisa took his hands, which had been resting near her wrist, into her own.

“As you said, I should focus on the present and future rather than the past. Thank you. I feel much better now.”

After all, if she couldn’t remember it herself and wasn’t going to ask Daniel, it was best to just forget it cleanly.

“It’s nothing. I’m glad.”

He smiled quietly and brought the teacup on the table to his lips.

Kisa followed his lead and took a sip of the still-warm tea when he made an unexpected suggestion.

“Kisa, if you don’t mind, would you take a walk around the mansion with me?”

“Around the mansion?”

“Come to think of it, I don’t believe I’ve ever properly shown you around the mansion.”

“But you guided me when I first came here.”

“Back then, I only showed you the commonly used areas, but today I’d like to give you a detailed tour. After all, Kisa will soon be the lady of the Hillan family.”

Indeed, as the future Duchess of Hillan, she ought to be familiar with every corner of the mansion.

Usually, it was the most senior servant who introduced the mansion to a new mistress, but if her beloved did it himself, Kisa couldn’t ask for more.

“I’d love to, if it’s not a burden for you, Seyard.”

He extended his arm to Kisa as she rose from her seat.

“Fortunately, I don’t have much work today. Would you do me the honor of accompanying me?”

“Gladly.”

Kisa immediately took his arm, and the two of them left the Duke of Hillan’s study.

The Hillan mansion was enormous, and there were far more places Kisa hadn’t visited than she had imagined.

Even though she had come to this mansion countless times, Kisa had to make an effort to familiarize herself with the unfamiliar places as they toured around.

In a way, it was natural.

Kisa’s sole purpose had been to meet Seyard, so she had no reason to go anywhere he wasn’t present.

But Seyard diligently answered every single one of Kisa’s questions about the mansion without omission.

‘Even though he left this place as a child and has been busy with his duties as Duke since returning…’

Seyard was indeed perfect.

After the two had circled the entire Hillan ducal residence and returned to the Duke’s study where they had originally been, Seyard said:

“Ah, I just realized I missed one place.”

With a sheepish expression, he pointed to a room located a few doors away from the study.

It was a place that she had assumed was an empty room since he had passed over it without explanation earlier.

Leading Kisa to the door of that room, Seyard began to speak.

“Hmm, how should I describe this room… It’s a secret room.”

“A secret room?”

“Yes, a room where I keep my secrets that I don’t want others to discover.”

At those words, Kisa’s heart began to race.

Seyard’s secrets, unknown to others—it naturally elevated her mood.

However, the next moment, the words that came from his mouth were contrary to her expectations.

“Kisa, would you make a promise with me?”

“…What kind of promise?”

He placed a key in Kisa’s hand.

“Here is a key that can open all the rooms in this mansion. You may open any door you wish. Except for this room.”

“What?”

“Please promise me that no matter what happens, you will never open this room.”

 

Chap 96

Secret Room

Silence hung between the two people.

Kisa glanced at the firmly closed door and then turned her gaze to Seyard.

“…No matter what happens?”

“That’s right,” he affirmed her question with his usual expression.

A room that must never be entered. To be honest, it was quite a startling command.

“But don’t the servants need to enter for cleaning and such?”

“It’s fine. I do the cleaning myself.”

“You, Seyard?”

“Yes. Though it’s just basic sweeping and wiping whenever I go in there occasionally.”

Even so, it was hard to imagine the mighty Duke of Hillan himself rolling up his sleeves and doing menial chores.

Perhaps such thoughts showed on her face. He burst into laughter.

“Don’t worry. Despite appearances, I used to manage my own room when I was at the monastery. I was even mobilized for major cleaning several times.”

“Ah, I see. But…”

Kisa hesitated momentarily before continuing.

“If what’s inside is that valuable, wouldn’t it be better to move it somewhere else? Of course, the security at the duke’s residence is excellent, but you never know. There could be thieves.”

It would be several times safer to rent a safety deposit box at a bank rather than keeping it in an ordinary room.

However, Seyard firmly shook his head.

“No, there’s little risk of that. Because these things are only important to me personally, they have almost no objective value. They’re more like objects with memories attached.”

“I-I see.”

Kisa waited a moment, hoping he might explain what kinds of memories these were, but the words she wanted didn’t come.

“Anyway, you don’t need to concern yourself with this room. I’ll take care of everything.”

“……”

Kisa stared blankly at the key she had just received from him.

An antique decorative key made of brass. This key, which could open every room in the mansion, was truly a symbol of the Duchess of Hillan.

From the treasury where the family’s assets were stored, to the duke’s office containing various important documents, and even the duke’s most private space—his bedroom.

As the lady of the house, Kisa would have to manage these places alongside Seyard, and in his unavoidable absence, she would have to take full responsibility for the household alone.

In other words, handing over this key meant bestowing those powerful and weighty rights.

In truth, many heads of households were reluctant to pass such rights to their wives.

Even though she was a wife, she was still from another family. How much deep trust could exist between a couple joined in a political marriage?

For this reason, it was common to hand over the key only after several years of marriage, when they thought, “Now I can trust her.”

But Seyard had given Kisa the key even before they had officially married.

‘It means he trusts me that much.’

At the same time, it also meant that he didn’t want to show her that room, despite trusting her so much.

What is this feeling?

As Kisa was trying to examine her feelings, Seyard pointed toward the direction of his office.

“Well, shall we go back now?”

“Ah, yes.”

Because of this, Kisa missed the opportunity to mention the room in question and followed him to his office.

Afterward, he chatted about trivial matters as if nothing had happened, and when dinner time came, he led Kisa to the dining room.

Dinner passed as smoothly as usual, and soon it was time to return to the Vansfelt residence.

Only in the carriage on the way back did Kisa finally have time to reflect on what had happened today.

The secret room. Seyard’s secret. A room where he kept secrets he didn’t want to reveal even to Kisa.

Suddenly, her honest feelings burst out.

“…I feel hurt.”

Kisa couldn’t help feeling disappointed that he had secrets he kept from her.

But approaching it rationally, she couldn’t blame him.

No matter how close and intimate a relationship might be, could there exist a relationship in this world without any secrets at all?

Kisa herself hadn’t revealed everything to Seyard, and she wasn’t confident she would do so in the future either.

She tried to set aside her surge of emotions and judge based on objective facts alone.

“Right, I’m the same.”

Come to think of it, Kisa also had a place where she kept personal items away from others’ eyes.

It was the jewelry box resting in the lowest drawer of her dressing table.

In Seyard’s case, that place was just a bit larger.

Well, either the number of items was greater or they were larger in size.

“What am I thinking? It’s nothing special.”

With a lighter heart, Kisa returned home and headed to her room.

While she was at it, she opened the bottom drawer of her dressing table to check on her jewelry box.

“……”

She jerked her hand away from the jewelry box as if she had touched a hot object.

A memory she had been trying to forget came flooding back.

The most recent object she had stored in this jewelry box—memories related to Seyard’s old diary.

Those chilling phrases she still remembered clearly:

[Since coming here, there hasn’t been a single day I haven’t thought about death.”

It was sometimes my own death, but mostly the death of others.

The death of Brother Makkio, who forced his twisted faith on others.

The death of the abbot, who was only interested in the money from the Hillan family.

The death of the arrogant and stupid Cobi.]

Kisa unconsciously murmured a name.

“Cobi…”

Why, at this moment, did that name strangely linger in her mind? And with such an ominous resonance.

To prevent her thoughts from straying in an unpleasant direction, she hastily shook her head.

“Well, I met Cobi recently.”

So it had simply come to mind without any significant meaning.

Why was she feeling so uneasy about this? He should be doing well at the Hillan family’s villa by now.

Originally, this diary was written during a time when Seyard harbored resentment toward the world.

Kisa knew it was just a passing phase, as she herself had gone through a period when she disliked most people, including her cold-hearted father.

Didn’t they say that Seyard and Cobi got along well afterward?

“Needless worry.”

Even as Kisa tried to console herself with those words, she couldn’t bring herself to open the jewelry box as originally planned.

For some reason, she didn’t want to check that old notebook for the time being.

A few days later, Kisa met Seyard and returned the brass key she had received earlier.

She asked him to entrust it to her after they were married, though she appreciated the gesture.

Since the safe in Kisa’s room wasn’t particularly expensive, she didn’t feel secure keeping such an important key that could potentially determine the fate of the Hillan family.

At the same time, it wasn’t appropriate to keep it in Count Vansfelt’s safe either.

Seyard accepted Kisa’s explanation and took back the key without showing any particular disappointment.

As always, he simply responded, “I see.”

****

The existence of the secret room left an inexplicable uneasiness in Kisa’s heart, but the passage of time helped her bury it in the back of her mind.

Meanwhile, the year changed, and the noise of celebrating the new year spread throughout the streets.

Kisa spent time with the people of the Vansfelt residence as well as with Seyard, eating commemorative food and telling fortunes with cards for the coming year.

By then, a certain change had occurred in Kisa.

“Kisa.”

“…Yes?”

“Let’s stop now. It’s getting late.”

“Oh, come on, Seyard.”

Kisa looked at Seyard sitting across from her and pleaded with her index finger raised.

“Just one more glass. Let me have just one more.”

Hearing her slurred speech, he gave an embarrassed smile.

After appearing to contemplate for a moment, the man shook his head and took the glass from Kisa’s hand.

“No. You’re already quite drunk.”

“I’m fine.”

“Not from where I’m sitting.”

Kisa made a sulky face but obediently followed her lover’s wishes.

In fact, contrary to what she had said, she was aware that she was quite intoxicated.

Looking outside, darkness had long since fallen—it was time to return home.

“I should go now.”

Saying this, Kisa stood up.

But seeing her stumble severely, Seyard supported her.

“You seem to be enjoying alcohol more than before.”

It wasn’t just “seem”—it was definitely.

“Yes, I’ve discovered the taste for it. I just meant to have a glass or two with meals, but…”

Originally, it had been to forget the anxiety that came without reason, but before she knew it, she had come to enjoy the alcohol itself.

Wasn’t that good? When pleasantly intoxicated, she could sleep peacefully without any worries.

“……”

Seyard gazed at her giggling face and merely said in a gentle voice:

“It’s all fine, but I’ll have to stop you if I think you’re drinking enough to harm your health.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

“And I think you should stay here tonight and go back tomorrow.”

“What?”

“You’re too drunk. I’m worried you might fall on your way back.”

His words seemed reasonable, so Kisa, with her spinning head, agreed.

“Ah!”

Suddenly, Seyard swept Kisa up into his arms.

Ignoring Kisa’s protests that she could walk on her own, he quickly carried her to the guest room—the same one where Kisa had stayed during the engagement ceremony.

Lily, who had received orders from the Duke of Hillan, quickly prepared the room, and it was soon ready.

The servants must have cleaned it regularly to be able to receive guests at any time.

While Lily went to fetch water for washing, Seyard laid Kisa on the bed.

“I’ll be going now. Rest well.”

Just as he gave his greetings and was about to leave:

“Wait a moment.”

Kisa grabbed his sleeve, and their gazes met.

“…Don’t leave. Seyard.”

Nervously swallowing, Kisa looked at him with yearning eyes.

“Stay by my side tonight. All night.”

 

Chap 97

Crossing Paths

At that moment, Seyard’s pupils dilated.

“Kisa…”

Kisa felt an inexplicable satisfaction watching him call her name in a daze.

Perhaps she was pleased by the fact that the typically calm man was showing emotional agitation because of her.

“What?”

A few seconds later, he spoke with his usual face but in a slightly more subdued voice than normal.

“Why are you saying such things?”

His hand caressed the side of Kisa’s hair.

Kisa stared up at the man sitting on the bed, determined not to miss even the slightest change in his expression.

“Because I like you, Seyard. Because I like you, I want you to stay by my side.”

Though she had never been in a proper relationship, Kisa was no fool and possessed at least a basic level of awareness.

She fully understood the meaning of the words she was uttering, and Seyard knew this as well.

“……”

“……”

A tense silence filled the room.

Just as Kisa’s lips began to dry with anxiety that couldn’t be diluted even by alcohol, Seyard spoke.

“You’re drunk, Kisa. Let’s talk about this again after the effects of the alcohol wear off.”

Seyard withdrew his hand from the side of Kisa’s hair and tried to stand up.

“Is it because we’re not married yet?”

Almost simultaneously, a desperate question burst from Kisa’s lips.

“I’m fine with it. We’re getting married soon anyway, and many others do it too.”

It wasn’t something to be openly discussed, but it was rare for engaged couples to strictly maintain premarital chastity, even when their wedding was approaching.

Even the conservative Count Vansfelt had allowed Kisa to stay at Duke Hillan’s mansion.

“So there’s no need to be considerate of me—”

“That’s not it.”

But Seyard shook his head.

“That doesn’t matter. The problem is that you’re not in your right mind right now.”

“Of course I’m drunk, but this is something I’ve been thinking about even before drinking.”

To be precise, it was also because it was difficult to say while sober that she had borrowed the power of alcohol.

“Right now, I’m perfectly capable of making rational judgments. Trust me, Seyard.”

“That may be true. But Kisa, I……”

He paused briefly before uttering his next words.

“I’d like you to want me when you’re in your most sound mind.”

Was it just her imagination? The reddish-brown eyes she faced seemed darker, causing Kisa to draw in a sharp breath.

How to put it—it felt as if she was witnessing a hidden side of him that couldn’t be seen during normal times.

There were times when Seyard felt like a completely different person, and this was one of those moments.

“Not because of something else, but out of your pure desire.”

Kisa barely managed to move her stiffened lips.

“This, this is my pure desire.”

There was no way it could be because of something else. She simply wished for Seyard Hillan.

But his eyes narrowed.

“Really?”

“…Pardon?”

Seyard remained silent for a moment before holding a faint smile on his lips. It was a somewhat bitter expression.

“From my perspective, Kisa seems like someone who’s being pursued by something right now.”

Being pursued? That couldn’t be. Even as she thought this, no words of refutation came from Kisa’s lips.

Returning to his usual kind and gentle fiancé face, Seyard patted Kisa’s shoulder as if to comfort her.

“I apologize if I’m mistaken. But I still want us to do something like this when we’re both sober and free of any particular worries. It doesn’t necessarily have to be after we hold the ceremony, but…”

Suddenly, Seyard’s face drew closer, and Kisa felt a ticklish sensation on her cheek.

After lightly kissing Kisa’s cheek, Seyard finally rose from the bed.

“At least right now, it seems like a time when Kisa should rest comfortably. Well then, I’ll take my leave.”

Just as Kisa reflexively tried to call his name, Lily’s voice was heard from outside the door.

“Your Grace, Miss. I’ve brought water for washing.”

Instead of answering, Seyard opened the door and greeted Kisa.

“Sweet dreams.”

Kisa couldn’t stop him.

After Seyard left, Kisa washed up with Lily’s help, changed into her nightgown, and got into bed.

After Lily withdrew, there was no longer any tension to be found in the room where Kisa remained alone.

“Seyard.”

In the silence, Kisa called out the name she couldn’t call earlier.

He had said she seemed like someone being pursued. The meaning of those words…

“Ah, this won’t do.”

Due to the alcohol and the overwhelming drowsiness, her thoughts could progress no further.

Kisa closed her eyes, unable to resist her eyelids that felt as heavy as a thousand pounds.

Her consciousness was quickly dyed in darkness.

How much time had passed?

Her eyes flew open with a terrible thirst.

“Water.”

With no time to pay attention to the unfamiliar surroundings, Kisa instinctively sought water.

When she discovered the water bottle and glass on the nightstand, it felt like finding a treasure chest.

After quenching her thirst as much as she wanted, the current situation finally registered.

“Right. I got drunk and…”

Kisa’s entire body began to tremble as memories rose in succession.

“I was crazy! Crazy!”

She beat the innocent pillow repeatedly as shame welled up.

“How could I do such a thing to Seyard…”

Using the power of alcohol, she had made a clumsy attempt at seduction and was gently but firmly rejected.

Now that she thought about it with a sober mind, his rejection was completely understandable, which made it even more embarrassing.

[From my perspective, Kisa seems like someone who’s being pursued by something right now.]

That was correct. Although there was not a shred of falsehood in Kisa’s feelings toward Seyard, it wasn’t purely out of hope to be with the person she loved that she had acted so boldly.

…Kisa had hoped that he would wash away her anxiety with more definitive action.

She had tried to forget this unsettling feeling, which couldn’t be completely erased even with alcohol, through intimacy with him.

‘Most likely, Seyard intuitively sensed my underlying intentions and stopped me.’

She dropped her head weakly.

Looking back now, it had been a selfish action.

If one were to consider it, wasn’t she trying to use him for her own personal circumstances?

She couldn’t forget Seyard’s slightly bitter expression that she had seen at the end.

Resolving to formally apologize the next time they met, Kisa lay back down and closed her eyes.

However, the drowsiness that had once retreated did not return easily.

Her stomach churned from the hangover and she had a mild headache, but the feeling of being stifled was greater.

She wanted to organize her thoughts at this point.

She couldn’t make Seyard wear such an expression again with her insensitive words and actions.

‘Looking at the dim scenery outside the window, it seems like dawn…’

After pondering for a moment, Kisa got up, thinking of getting some fresh air.

She put on a thin coat that had been prepared beforehand on the coat rack and left the room.

This, too, seemed to have been prepared by Lily along with the water—she was an exemplary servant as always.

Thud, thud. Kisa’s footsteps echoed in the quiet interior where everything seemed to be asleep.

Perhaps because it was still early, she didn’t encounter anyone as she walked through the corridor.

However, as Kisa was about to leave the corridor and reach the entrance, a certain room caught her eye.

“This room…”

It was a place she remembered thanks to Seyard’s tour of the mansion not long ago.

The painting storage room. The Hillan family stored paintings that weren’t hung in the corridors or other rooms here.

Of course, he had said that items valuable enough to be called treasures went to the vault, so only relatively less valuable ones were kept here.

Kisa stared at the door, falling into contemplation. To be honest, she wanted to take a look inside.

When she had briefly visited with Seyard before, she had glimpsed the interior and, like most noble families, portraits made up a large portion of the stored paintings.

In reality, calling in a painter to immortalize one’s appearance in a portrait was a privilege only for the wealthy.

“Seyard’s portrait might be here too.”

Since the portrait painted after he became the head of the family was in his office, which she admired whenever she visited, she was curious about his childhood portraits.

It would be reasonable to assume that he had left behind a portrait or two before departing for the monastery.

Unfortunately, she didn’t have the leisure to look around at the paintings during her previous visit.

At that time, the two of them had to circle the entire large mansion, so they moved briskly.

‘But now it’s different.’

When Kisa placed her hand on the doorknob, the door opened with surprising ease.

She had planned to give up and go straight to the garden if it was locked, but she was in luck.

Stepping inside, Kisa examined the paintings lined up on the wall one by one.

The first to catch her eye was a group of solemn portraits that were distinctively larger than the other paintings and appeared to have been painted with several times more effort.

These were the faces of the successive Dukes of Hillan.

Come to think of it, the portrait hanging in Seyard’s office was exactly this size.

It seemed to be a long-standing tradition of the Hillan family to leave behind portraits in this format upon ascending to the position of family head.

While it was grand, it wasn’t the painting she was looking for, so Kisa hurried past the group of portraits.

Or rather, she tried to. Until she reached one particular painting.

The portrait hanging at the very end. A very familiar appearance even to her.

Vischer Hillan, it was his painting.

Kisa stopped in her tracks involuntarily, and in her ears, a distant voice was heard.

[I am Vischer Hillan.]

It was the memory of when she had first exchanged names with Vischer Hillan.

 

Chap 98

Vischer Hillan (1)

Feeling the memories of that day gradually reviving, Kisa murmured.

“…That’s right.”

Now that she thought about it, such a thing did happen.

It was quite an unpleasant incident for Kisa, so she had buried it deep in her heart, but seeing this portrait inevitably brought back those memories.

Her memories ascend back in time. Gently.

****

“Kisa.”

“……”

“Kisa?”

“……”

“Hey!”

“Huh?”

At the loud voice, Kisa opened her closed eyes and looked at the person sitting across from her.

Inside the bumpy, moving carriage, Kisa’s close friend, Melissa, tilted her head.

“Are you alright? You’ve seemed a bit dazed for a while.”

“Ah, sorry. I must have dozed off.”

“Really? But you look rather pale. Are you feeling sick?”

“Not at all. I think it’s because I couldn’t sleep last night. That novel you lent me was so interesting that I stayed up all night.”

Kisa waved her hand and forced a smile to prevent Melissa from worrying.

“Yes, it is quite entertaining.”

With that, Melissa easily dismissed her concerns and lightly scolded Kisa.

“Still, you’re something else. How could you stay up all night before such an important day? Looking at you, you’re surprisingly irresponsible sometimes. Anyway, make sure you don’t show any signs of fatigue in front of the Princess later.”

“…Okay.”

Her friend’s eyes gleamed with anticipation.

“I’m so excited though. I wonder what kind of person Duke Hillan is.”

That’s right. Today was the day Princess Arta would formally introduce her fiancé to the friends attending her tea party.

‘Duke Hillan.’

Kisa’s expression darkened at the thought of him.

A man who, despite being so admired and arousing much curiosity, rarely appeared in social circles.

Kisa felt somehow uncomfortable with this man with whom she had never had a proper conversation.

The reason was unclear. Was it because he possessed the red hair she disliked? Or because looking into those cold eyes reminded her of Count Vansfelt?

She wasn’t sure. It seemed like both reasons, yet neither at the same time.

She simply hadn’t had a good feeling since the first time she laid eyes on the Duke at a banquet.

No, actually even before that. From the moment she first heard the name ‘Vischer Hillan,’ Kisa had a vague premonition that she wouldn’t like him.

It was strange. Until now, Kisa had never disliked someone for such a trivial reason as not liking the sound of their name, but the young Duke Hillan was somehow an exception.

‘No, rather than dislike…’

It might be fear. Whenever she saw him, her chest would strangely tighten, and her knees would weaken.

Anyway, it was a great fortune for Kisa that Duke Hillan rarely attended social events.

She would see him maybe once a year, if at all, and even then, the Duke was always surrounded by people desperate to speak with him, allowing her to naturally avoid contact.

After that first meeting where she had greeted him while hiding behind her father who was exchanging pleasantries with the Duke, Kisa had no occasion to encounter him up close.

Until today…

Leaning weakly against the backrest, Kisa let out a small sigh, making sure Melissa wouldn’t notice.

‘Ah, I don’t want to go.’

It wasn’t just Duke Hillan; her physical condition was absolutely terrible.

She had brushed it off when Melissa asked earlier, not wanting to cause unnecessary worry, but in truth, Kisa was indeed sick.

Just a few hours ago, she had completely thrown up the food she had eaten for lunch.

The cause was, without fail, Count Vansfelt.

‘Julian, you unhelpful brat.’

Of all days, why did the report about her younger brother studying in another region have to arrive today?

Upon hearing from his subordinate that Julian’s attitude toward his studies was unsatisfactory and his grades below expectations, the Count had made no effort to hide his displeasure.

The sparks flew to Kisa, who was dining with her father.

He launched into a tirade against his daughter and criticized even parts that he would normally have overlooked.

Apparently, picking at her food made her look unpleasant.

Naturally, in such a situation, Kisa, who was of a sensitive disposition, could hardly eat comfortably.

To make matters worse, she was already feeling pressured by the fact that she had to attend the Princess’s gathering in the evening and meet Duke Hillan.

As soon as she rose from the dining table, Kisa felt nauseous and had to run to the bathroom.

While Kisa had always been prone to indigestion, this time it was particularly severe.

This was probably the worst her stomach had turned in the past two or three years.

However, unless she was bedridden and unable to move, she couldn’t ignore the summons of the esteemed Princess.

Moreover, today was not just an ordinary tea party gathering, but the occasion where the Princess would introduce her fiancé.

Kisa took medicine from her personal physician to calm her stomach, drank just a few sips of water, and boarded the Dos family’s carriage that Melissa had arrived in.

To be honest, only the nausea had subsided; her condition hadn’t improved at all.

Her hands and feet were cold, her body felt weak, and she had a slight pain in her solar plexus.

It seemed the medicine hadn’t completely cured her indigestion.

“The Princess said the Duke is a kind person, but I wonder if we’ll actually get to see that kind side of him? Oh my. To think he’s aloof in front of others but affectionate when they’re alone, it sounds so romantic.”

She couldn’t even hear her friend’s excited chatter about the anticipated meeting with Duke Hillan.

All she wanted was to get this over with quickly and return home, when Melissa changed the subject.

“By the way, I haven’t seen that dress before. Is it new?”

It was a magic spell that instantly revived Kisa’s mood.

“Ah, this?”

Kisa answered shyly, her cheeks turning red.

“It’s a gift from Daniel. He said it would suit me.”

“What, Daniel Lowens? Isn’t he studying abroad?”

“Yes. He sent it with a letter a few days ago.”

“It’s pretty! This style must be fashionable overseas.”

After examining Kisa’s pale yellow dress with sparkling eyes, Melissa soon made a mischievous expression.

“So you wore this precious dress given by your beloved fiancé on such an important day.”

“Well, yes.”

She would have preferred to just keep it in her wardrobe.

Partly because it was a gift she received from Daniel after a long time, but also because she could feel his taste in it.

It meant that he hadn’t just instructed a servant to choose something and attached his name to it.

She didn’t know what had prompted him, but Kisa was overjoyed by the fact that he had remembered his fiancée even while living abroad.

She had been visiting her wardrobe several times a day for the past few days, just wanting to look at the dress.

When she gently touched the soft fabric of the dress, it felt as if Daniel, who was far away, was right beside her.

‘I wish he would finish his studies abroad and come back soon.’

Just having him in the country would surely make her life twice as enjoyable as it was now.

Just as it had been in those days of old.

But one can’t remain forever lost in happy memories.

“Come on, let’s get out.”

As soon as the carriage arrived at their destination, the excited Melissa grabbed Kisa’s wrist and led her out.

The two headed toward the small banquet hall in the royal palace, which they had visited a few times before.

This event was a relatively small gathering, attended only by young nobles who were close to the Princess.

Along the way, they met up with other tea party members, and upon entering the small banquet hall, a palace attendant immediately guided them to where the Princess was.

“Welcome, everyone.”

Princess Arta greeted her friends with her usual confident smile. And then…

“Thank you for accepting my invitation. Ah, let me introduce you. This is my fiancé, Vischer.”

The tall man beside her turned to face Kisa’s group.

“Duke Hillan.”

Kisa hastily lowered her eyes and curtsied before their gazes could meet.

The others did the same, albeit with a slight delay, so it wasn’t particularly strange.

As her heart pounded oddly, a sweet baritone voice rang out above her head.

“I am Vischer Hillan.”

Just that simple introduction, nothing more, nothing less.

There wasn’t even a common courtesy such as “Nice to meet you,” but at least no one at this gathering seemed to take offense at that fact.

The head of the Hillan family, said to have a longer history than the royal family.

Moreover, for Vischer Hillan, who had ascended to the position of Duke at a relatively young age and had been managing his family remarkably well, this level of coldness was not arrogance but rather a characteristic.

“It’s an honor to meet you, Duke.”

“Um, thank you so much for the gift you sent to our family! My parents also asked me to convey their regards if I saw you today.”

As soon as his greeting ended, the young ladies around Kisa clamored to say a word or two to the rarely seen Duke Hillan.

Kisa mixed in with them appropriately and then found an opportunity to slip away from the crowd.

As she was trying to calm her still-pounding heart, a few young ladies approached her.

They were those who had lost in the fierce competition for spots next to the Princess and the Duke.

“Phew, both of them are so popular.”

“Indeed.”

Kisa nodded at one lady’s sigh-filled remark.

Afterward, the two stood in front of a table with food and exchanged various idle talk.

It was when the topic turned to the dress Kisa was wearing.

“Wow, a dress gifted by your fiancé who’s far away, how romantic. I didn’t know, but it seems that Young Master Lowens is quite considerate… Oh, Duke!”

The lady who had been smiling as she spoke suddenly looked behind Kisa and froze.

Her body naturally stiffened. Without turning around, she knew who was behind her.

In contrast to Kisa’s tension, Duke Hillan calmly explained the reason for his appearance here.

“I was looking to wet my throat.”

“Oh my, I’m sorry.”

At his words, the lady quickly stepped aside.

She had been blocking the table where wine bottles and glasses were placed.

“Not at all.”

While Duke Hillan was pouring wine into a glass, Kisa tried to quickly leave.

Unfortunately, that’s when the accident happened.

Thump! Almost simultaneously with the light impact on her body, something cold soaked Kisa.

Kisa turned her creaking neck to look at her side.

Her vision was filled with red. Her precious pale yellow dress was no longer its original color.

“Oh dear.”

Hearing the voice near her ear, she reflexively looked up at the man beside her.

“I apologize.”

Duke Hillan, with whom her eyes met for the first time today, offered an apology. With an utterly serene face.

 

Chap 99

Vischer Hillan (2)

“…….”

Although it was a situation where she should respond to the Duke’s apology, strangely, Kisa couldn’t say anything.

She couldn’t utter words to accept his apology or express regret about her soiled dress.

When she met the reddish-brown eyes behind those glasses, she couldn’t move at all, like a small animal captured by a predator.

Her hand, tightly gripping the reddened hem of her dress, trembled slightly. For some reason, she was certain.

That this was absolutely not an accident.

It wasn’t simply that the Duke’s face didn’t look apologetic at all. He was famous for showing minimal facial expressions anyway.

Rather, it was a more fundamental issue.

Although it was just a fleeting moment, Kisa felt a certain emotion in the Duke’s eyes as he looked down at her disheveled state.

Something like satisfaction.

“Oh my goodness!”

Just then, a sudden shout brought Kisa out of her thoughts.

“Lady Vansfelt! Are you alright?”

The young lady who had been conversing with her earlier approached Kisa and asked if she was hurt.

Kisa replied with a somewhat dazed expression that she was fine. The dress, completely soaked with wine spilled by Duke Hillan, was not so fortunate.

The young lady looked at Kisa’s dress and put her hand to her own cheek as if she felt the regret herself.

“What a terrible thing.”

Kisa also looked at her dress with despairing eyes.

Since it was originally a light-colored dress, there was little chance that the intense red stains would completely disappear even with the best cleaning.

As the daughter of a noble family, she couldn’t possibly go around dressed like that, so this dress would at best be relegated to the wardrobe.

Thinking about it made her eyes sting.

‘And I wore it for the first time today…’

The precious dress that Daniel had personally selected and sent as a gift was now ruined.

And with a color resembling this man’s hair, no less.

“It was entirely my fault, so I will certainly compensate you.”

Duke Hillan, who had clearly spilled the wine deliberately, expressed his intention to make amends with his customary precise and polite manner.

“If the lady wishes, I will procure an identical dress by whatever means necessary.”

What nonsense about an identical dress. Even if the same tailor made an exact replica with completely identical materials, it wouldn’t be the one Daniel had gifted her.

That dress which had made Kisa infinitely happy was gone forever.

However, it was not in Kisa’s current position to reveal even a hint of her uncomfortable feelings.

How could she say anything disagreeable when the great Duke of Hillan was apologizing and even offering compensation?

No, even if he hadn’t been the Duke of Hillan, Kisa wouldn’t have dared to protest.

Because she was afraid. The inexplicable revulsion she felt toward this man was greater than her resentment toward the culprit who had ruined the precious gift from her fiancé.

Was she such a coward? Or was her love for Daniel only worth this much?

With rising self-loathing, Kisa kept her gaze fixed on the floor and managed to speak.

“N-no, Duke.”

Just as she was about to reply that it was nothing and he shouldn’t worry about it, a familiar voice was heard.

“What happened?”

The onlookers who had been watching the unexpected incident at the party with interested eyes parted to the sides. They were making way for the Princess.

“Vischer, Kisa.”

Princess Arta, who had appeared leading other young ladies including Melissa, looked alternately at her fiancé and Kisa who was standing nearby.

“What is this……”

“I apologize, Princess.”

Before she could finish speaking, the Duke explained the situation.

“I was about to drink some wine but ended up disrespecting your friend. I am deeply ashamed for causing such a disturbance.”

Looking at Kisa’s wine-stained dress was enough to understand the situation without further explanation.

As she approached them slowly, the Princess asked.

“…It was your mistake, Vischer?”

“Yes, that’s correct.”

“That’s not like you.”

“Even I make mistakes sometimes. I am human after all.”

Afterward, the Princess remained silent for a moment.

Though it wasn’t a long silence, Kisa somehow got the impression that the Princess seemed displeased.

Was it because the occasion meant to introduce her fiancé to her friends had become noisy?

“Princess! I’m fine!”

Growing anxious, Kisa blurted out words she didn’t really mean.

Strictly speaking, it wasn’t her fault, but Kisa inherently detested being the cause of conflicts.

She preferred to endure if everyone else could be happy by her doing so; it was easier on her mind.

“See? Nothing happened except my dress getting a little stained.”

The Princess’s gaze then turned to Kisa.

“Kisa…”

She looked at Kisa with a somewhat complicated expression before clapping her hands.

“Hey, is anyone there?”

“Yes, I’m coming, Princess!”

As soon as she called, a palace servant appeared from somewhere with a wet cloth in hand.

While he wiped the wine from the floor with nimble movements, the Princess looked around at the people gathered nearby and said in a slightly louder voice.

“We had a small unexpected accident. But it’s nothing serious, so please continue enjoying the party. Despite appearances, my fiancé, Duke Hillan, is surprisingly shy, so please don’t stare too much.”

A few people laughed at the youngest princess’s usual cheerful and witty demeanor.

Not stopping there, Princess Arta ordered another palace servant to change the music.

Soon following her instructions, the court band stopped the piece they had been playing and began performing another with prominent violin melodies.

It was a piece the Princess had recommended to the members of the tea party group not long ago, which she apparently liked very much.

People responded to the Princess’s intention to change the atmosphere and turned their attention back to the party.

“Um, Princess.”

Kisa carefully called out to Arta.

It was obvious that she was not in a state to enjoy the party at present.

Although palace servants had roughly dried the moisture with towels, the state of her dress, more than 30% stained with wine, was disastrous.

‘I suppose the Princess will offer to lend me one of her dresses to change into…’

A gloomy prediction crossed her mind.

Considering Princess Arta’s character as Kisa had known her so far, she was someone who would readily extend such kindness to a friend, and more.

Normally, Kisa would have been pleased by her kindness, but not today.

She wanted to escape from this place quickly.

The shock of losing her dress was one thing, but she didn’t want to clash with Duke Hillan anymore.

Moreover, perhaps because she had expended no small amount of mental energy, her physical condition seemed to have worsened since earlier.

She desperately wanted to collapse somewhere and rest.

She missed her bed in her bedroom so intensely at that moment.

But what was this? The words that came out of the Princess’s mouth were the opposite of Kisa’s expectation.

“Kisa, I think it would be best for you to go home now.”

After silently observing Duke Hillan for a moment, she turned to Kisa and said.

“You were startled by what just happened, weren’t you?”

“What? Oh, a little.”

“My goodness, looking at you now, your complexion isn’t good at all. Your face is so pale.”

Just then, Melissa, who had been sticking close to the Princess’s side, whispered to her as if she had been waiting for this moment.

She was probably telling the Princess that Kisa hadn’t slept well the night before.

She might also have added that Kisa must be greatly distressed because the dress gifted by Daniel was ruined.

In any case, after hearing Melissa’s whisper, the Princess urged Kisa to leave with an even stronger tone.

Perhaps this was what people meant by a blessing in disguise.

“Then I shall take my leave now.”

Kisa didn’t refuse the Princess’s suggestion and headed for the exit.

Trying as much as possible not to look at the red-haired man who had been next to her.

Fortunately, he didn’t say anything to Kisa as she left the small reception hall.

Only the man’s scent, reminiscent of freshly washed laundry, tickled Kisa’s nostrils.

****

Finishing her recollection, Kisa carefully examined the face of the man in the massive portrait.

Except for wearing glasses and his bangs neatly swept back, he had the exact same appearance as Seyard.

“Yes, this is what he looked like.”

Why was it that although the incident happened only two or three years ago, she felt as if she was retrieving an old, dusty memory long forgotten?

The reason was obvious. Because she had wanted to forget.

For Kisa, it was difficult to fully accept the sense of loss regarding the dress along with the fact that she received such clear hatred from another person.

She still wondered why Vischer Hillan disliked her so much.

Of course, Kisa didn’t particularly like him either, but certainly not enough to deliberately spill wine on him to embarrass him at a gathering hosted by the Princess.

Moreover, Kisa had another opportunity to feel Vischer’s dislike for her after that day.

Not long after the party, a dress sent from the Hillan family along with excessive compensation money was proof of that.

That dress, supposedly a gift of apology, was completely different from what Daniel had given her.

As if mocking her, it was red in color. The very color that had stained her precious dress.

The enclosed message, written in elegant handwriting, stated that he was sorry but couldn’t find the original tailor, so he had commissioned the most famous tailor in Jacques to make a new one.

In other words, the only commonality between the two dresses was that they were made in the same country.

In the end, Kisa shoved that dress into her wardrobe and never wore it or looked at it again.

“…Perhaps it bothered him that someone like me avoided him.”

Just as Kisa let out a small sigh, an unexpected voice reached her ears.

“Who did you avoid?”

Someone was standing at the doorway.

The moment she saw him, Kisa was startled.

“Kisa?”

While Seyard, with his eyes wide open, approached her, she barely managed to calm her surprised heart.

Perhaps it was because she had been reminiscing about the past until just now.

She had thought it was the dead Vischer Hillan.

Chap 100

Don’t Hold Back

But the moment she looked again, he was unmistakably the person Kisa knew well.

Seyard. Always her gentle lover.

Kisa shook her head weakly and spoke.

“I was just a little startled because I didn’t know Seyard was there. When did you arrive?”

“Just now. I was about to go out for a walk in the garden when I noticed the door to this room was slightly open. I wondered, and here you are.”

Seyard approached Kisa closely and crossed his arms.

“I can’t believe you’re really here.”

Feeling somewhat embarrassed, Kisa scratched her cheek.

“I’m sorry for coming in without permission.”

“Don’t apologize. I’m the one who told Kisa that she could enter anywhere in this mansion.”

Indeed, on the day he had shown her around this place, he had said something like that.

‘Except for just one room.’

Quickly redirecting her thoughts that were drifting in a strange direction, she explained her reason for being there as if making an excuse.

“Actually, I’m similar to you. I was on my way for a walk when this room suddenly caught my eye.”

“…Is it because of this painting?”

Seyard turned to look at his brother’s portrait that Kisa had been admiring until just moments ago, with a somewhat ambiguous expression.

Kisa hurriedly waved her hands.

“No. Originally I came in wondering if there might be childhood portraits of Seyard, but when I saw this painting, I suddenly remembered something. I was just reflecting on past events.”

“Past events? What kind?”

“Well, it’s something that happened two or three years ago.”

Since it wasn’t particularly something to hide, Kisa told Seyard about the time she encountered Vischer Hillan at Princess Arta’s party.

Of course, in front of his family member, she didn’t mention how she disliked Vischer from the beginning or her suspicion that he had deliberately spilled wine on her dress.

Kisa tried to stick to objective facts until the end of her story.

“I see.”

After hearing Kisa’s words, Seyard drooped his eyebrows as if embarrassed.

“I’m sorry. I had no idea Vischer committed such rudeness toward you.”

“Oh no, it wasn’t rudeness. Nothing like that.”

“But Kisa’s cherished dress—”

“I felt that way then, but thinking about it now, I think it worked out for the best. After all, that dress was a gift from Daniel, that guy.”

Looking back, it was truly so.

If Vischer hadn’t ruined her dress that day, Kisa would have most likely worn it to various important events.

‘Just imagining it makes me cringe.’

Reflecting that it was actually fortunate that she could only wear it once, she continued.

“Also, because I ended up going home early that day, I was able to take medicine and rest well.”

In a way, Kisa’s wish to go home even before the party started had come true.

“So the Duke’s mistake actually helped me in many ways.”

She had originally said this so that Seyard wouldn’t feel uncomfortable, but Kisa increasingly found herself being convinced by her own words.

‘Oh, that’s really true when I think about it.’

How should she put it? At the time, it had been such a humiliating and unjust incident that she had sealed it deep in her heart like something that could appear in nightmares, but now that she’d brought it out, it wasn’t as bad as she had thought.

Vischer Hillan. Kisa looked again at the man in the portrait.

Even facing that person she had feared and avoided, she no longer felt particularly negative emotions.

No, because he looked identical to Seyard, she even felt somewhat favorably toward him.

She hadn’t recognized it well then, but looking again, Vischer was also quite handsome.

‘How fickle the human heart is.’

When she first heard the news of his death, she had only felt vague sympathy along with uneasiness, but now she genuinely felt sorry for him.

Despite having everything and being in a position others looked up to, he had left this world in an unfortunate fire accident in an instant.

At the same time, Kisa felt strange thinking that if Vischer hadn’t died, Seyard would have stayed in the monastery for his entire life and never would have met her.

Feeling a strange guilt, Kisa wanted to learn more about the person called Vischer Hillan.

So she decided to start by asking about the most noticeable thing.

“Did your brother have poor eyesight?”

“What? Why do you ask…?”

“Just curious. Seyard has good eyesight, so I wondered if this differs even between twin brothers.”

Maintaining eye contact with Kisa, Seyard remained silent for a moment as if recalling a memory.

“Well, I don’t think so. The last time I saw him, he was reading books just fine without glasses.”

“Oh? Then why did he choose to wear glasses?”

“I think he wanted to look older. Having become the head of the family at a relatively young age, he probably didn’t want to be looked down upon by others.”

“That does make sense.”

As expected. Kisa just hadn’t known that Vischer Hillan was also an ordinary person with human concerns.

“By the way, when was that? The last time Seyard saw his brother?”

She asked out of curiosity since it sounded like something that had happened relatively recently, and her guess was correct.

“Calculating back, it was about six months before Vischer died. While organizing the warehouse, he found some items I had used in my childhood and called me to a villa near Bonzmos to give them to me.”

This was the first time Kisa had heard this story.

“Well, that was the ostensible reason, but it was probably to see directly how I was doing. Vischer was thorough by nature. Too thorough to be satisfied with just hearing reports from his subordinates.”

“…I see that happened.”

Seeing Kisa’s expression darken, Seyard said something jokingly as if to comfort her.

“It’s alright. It wasn’t all bad. When we met, I asked him to increase the monthly allowance he sent me for living expenses, and he agreed without much protest. Thanks to that, I lived quite comfortably for a while.”

“Really?”

He gently embraced Kisa’s waist with both arms as she smiled slightly.

“More importantly, Kisa. Why are you suddenly curious about Vischer? Even if he is my brother, showing interest in another man in front of your lover is really too much. I’m jealous.”

Despite his words, to Kisa’s eyes, Seyard seemed pleased deep down.

Surely, he was happy that Kisa’s interest extended even to his family.

She could understand because she had felt similarly when he had briefly asked about memories with the Countess Vansfelt.

“Oh, Seyard.”

Kisa pretended to give in and buried herself in his embrace.

The two stayed like that for a while before going around the room to look at other paintings.

Incidentally, Kisa was able to successfully achieve her original goal.

As she had hoped, there was indeed a painting of Seyard from his childhood.

Unfortunately, there was only one, and even that was a small family portrait, but still.

‘That’s too much, really. To be treated this way just because he was born as the younger of twins.’

Even while clicking her tongue like this, Kisa eagerly appreciated the painting anyway.

Seyard at four or five years old was several times cuter than Kisa had expected.

However, there was one small problem…

“Which one is Seyard?”

Since the brothers looked so alike even in childhood, Kisa had to ask him which of the two children was her lover when he was young.

However, even Seyard himself shook his head with a troubled expression.

“I don’t know either. I barely remember this time, and I only saw this painting recently when I returned to the monastery and looked around the mansion.”

“I… I see.”

It was laughable that she couldn’t tell which one was which, despite having her lover’s childhood image right in front of her.

With no other choice, Kisa stared intensely at both children as if to memorize them before leaving the room with the paintings.

Which one was the real Seyard?

The truth remained buried in darkness.

Coming out into the hallway and looking out the window, she could see the dawn light still coloring the world.

The two had woken up so early that it seemed like there were still about two hours left until the Hillan mansion would wake up and begin its full activities.

Suddenly, Kisa wanted to know why he had woken up at such an early hour.

She explained her own reason was due to a hangover, but what about Seyard?

Hearing her question, however, he smiled somewhat meaningfully.

“Do you really not know why, Kisa?”

“What? Is it something I should know?”

When Kisa cautiously asked, he tickled his lover’s cheek with his right hand.

“Actually, I didn’t wake up early, I couldn’t sleep at all.”

“What?”

Suddenly, Seyard’s voice dropped low.

“I dare say, there’s no man in the world who could calmly fall asleep after hearing a request from the woman he loves to spend the night together.”

Kisa momentarily lost her words.

“Ah… that….”

Yes, that had happened.

The memory of last night, which she had forgotten due to Vischer’s portrait, came back to life.

Embarrassed, Kisa didn’t know where to look and bowed her head deeply.

“But Seyard, you seemed fine back then…”

To her delicate protest, like a newly grown sprout, Seyard answered mischievously.

“I desperately pretended to be fine. You can’t even imagine how much I was holding back then.”

After saying this, the man suddenly intertwined his hand with Kisa’s.

At the unfamiliar sensation creeping between her fingers, Kisa had no choice but to raise her head and meet his eyes.

At dawn, silence descended on the empty corridor.

The one who broke the silence that subtly tightened her chest was Kisa.

“You don’t… have to hold back.”

She conveyed her will in a clear voice.

“No, don’t hold back.”