Ranobe Mo Ore Mo Sukina Gyaru - Volume 1 Epilogue

Epilogue – Me and Otaku

“…Hmm, ah… Yoda… Yoda, where are you?”

The morning after staying over at Yoda’s house.

It was just past 9 in the morning.

I woke up in Yoda’s traditional tatami room and quickly glanced around to make sure he hadn’t left while I was asleep.

And then—I found it.

Right next to me, where I had been sleeping, Yoda was peacefully dozing off with gentle breathing.

“…Thank god you’re here…”

Feeling relieved, I let out a sigh and gazed at him sleeping beside me.

…I had been talking to Yoda non-stop ever since I invited him to the tatami room to keep him from straying too far.

It seemed he had fallen asleep at some point. Even so, Yoda was still right next to me.

Considering Yoda’s troublesome nature, I thought he might go back to his room once I was asleep…

As I thought about that and let my gaze wander, I realized something.

“Ah…”

——I had been gripping the sleeve of his pajamas as if I were trying to detain a departing train by holding onto the platform edge.

“——”

My heart thumped loudly in my chest.

A sudden unexplained rush of emotions surged within me.

Why had Yoda stayed here? I understand the reason now! It was because I had been holding onto his sleeve.

…but there was no physical force in that grip.

The only thing Yoda could perceive from me holding his sleeve was my desire for him not to go anywhere.

“It can’t be… lie… are you for real…”

In other words, Yoda had sensed my selfish feelings through this small physical contact… and he had stayed with me so I wouldn’t be alone.

If he wanted to, he could have easily untangled himself from my grip…

In fact, that’s what I expected.

A normal response would be for him to shake off my hand, thinking his job was done after keeping me company with trivial conversations until dawn, and then return to his room. But——Yoda didn’t do that. He didn’t leave me alone.

…I don’t know what kind of inner struggle he had before deciding to stay here.

Maybe he didn’t sense my feelings at all and just slept next to me because he was tired. Of course, that’s a possibility too—

『 I don’t think I’m the right person to be next to Tsumakawa-san——』

I don’t think he, who voiced such a complaint, would so easily allow himself to sleep beside me for no reason.

So, surely—right now, as he sleeps beside me, he must have done so for my sake.

…He must have understood my desire for him not to leave, silently staying close and not going anywhere, in response to my feelings.

“Huh? No, well… wait a moment…”

A slightly ticklish sensation, as if something were scratching me, emanated from the center of my body, and a small emotion began to take form.

Before…I thought of him as a friend. But I liked him enough that if he had asked for it, I would have been willing to give him my body to some extent…

I was happy just being able to stay together even if he didn’t reciprocate my feelings. But now, it’s different.

I like Yoda-kun so, so, so much. Of course, this isn’t just a friend’s affection.

‘Like’ isn’t enough anymore. It might not even be enough to call it ‘love’.

Like an overflowing glass of milk tea, the like I had held within me had burst forth like a flood.

I like him so much that I can’t even look at his face directly.

I couldn’t understand how I had managed to talk to him like a normal friend when we were together last night…

“Yoda… Nezumayo-kun… Yoda-kun…”

I want to touch him. I want Yoda to touch me…

For the first time, through thinking this way, I was able to understand just a little bit about what romantic feelings are.

I thought I had learned about it from light novels, but maybe the answer that comes from oneself and the answer found in novels are a bit different.

So, this is my answer—because I like him, I want to touch him a lot; because I like him, I want him to touch me a lot.

I loved the sense of helplessness I felt when thinking that way.

…Right. By holding him like this, I finally understood that romantic feelings aren’t some incredible, untouchable thing.

Of course, I don’t think it’s a universal truth, but… being just ‘ordinarily special’ is probably just right.

“But, I really like… I love you, Yoda…”

Taking advantage of the fact that Yoda was asleep, I confessed to him the moment I fell for him.

…Oops, even though he can’t hear it, why is my face so hot?

Hehe, I don’t get it… Wait, isn’t this desire to touch and be touched similar to s*xual desire?

I thought for a moment, but upon closer consideration, I realized it was somewhat different.

Maybe the desire I have to touch him, as he lies defenselessly asleep, isn’t just about sexual desire.

Honestly, I want to do it with him, but it’s not because I want s*x.

It’s because I genuinely like Yoda and I want to convey these feelings, to say that I like him in a way beyond words.

So, the desire to be held by him reflects the yearning I feel for him.

To put it in extreme terms, I don’t even care if it ends in petting.

Anyway, I want to be touched by him… This desire for warmth that isn’t mixed with s*xual desire is rampantly taking over inside me, and I feel completely helpless about it.

“…If I take the initiative and kiss him, will he start to dislike me…?”

While feeling dizzy, I brought my face closer to his as he continued to sleep, but just before our lips were about to meet, I snapped back to reality and hastily pulled my face away.

…What the heck am I doing? This is just a straightforward night-crawling.

(TN: A common practice way back in ancient Japan where unmarried dude would steathily sneak into an unmarried woman’s home, silently crawl into a woman’s room, and make his intentions known. If the woman consented, they would sleep together. )

As far as my feelings are concerned, it’s not wrong.

So, it would be okay to go further… but, if we’re going to do that, we should do it properly, with mutual consent, right?

With that thought in mind, I released my grip on the cuff of Yoda’s pajamas and checked my phone.

I shouldn’t show my bare face to a man I’ve fallen for, so I’ll put on a full face of makeup, and if he’s still not awake, I’ll make breakfast for him…

“Having breakfast together with the one I like is the best… hehe…”

With that thought in my mind, I quietly stood up so as not to wake him.

After that, I discreetly aimed my phone’s camera at Yoda and took just one picture. Hehe… I got a picture of Yoda sleeping!

And so, after leaving the tatami room where he slept, I stretched and yawned widely in Yoda’s living room, illuminated by the morning sun streaming in through the open curtains.

On the morning when I had developed feelings for a boy I liked, the sunlight felt a bit more dazzling than usual.

***

The time flew by, and it was past noon when I left Yoda’s house.

“…I’m home, Papa.”

“…Welcome home.”

Returning to the Tsumakawa’s household, I exchanged just that brief conversation with my dad in the living room, then quickly retreated to my own room.

…Is it okay for Papa and me to maintain this cold war-like state?

As I entered my room with such thoughts in mind, I leaped onto the bed in a prone position and after putting my relationship with my dad aside for the moment, I yelled into my pillow.

“Aaaaah! I can’t take it anymoreeeeee!”

Why are romantic feelings like this?

I love, love, love, super love Yoda so much, I’m going crazy… Is this for real!?

Is everyone making their boyfriends with these kinds of feelings!? I can’t stop this overwhelming love, it’s so frustrating!

Actually, a while back, when Kanachamu broke up with her boyfriend and cried so hard, I was kind of put off, but it’s not at all strange to feel like that! It’s actually quite normal!

I’m confident I would cry even more if I were to break up with Yoda! And we’re not even officially dating yet!

“Sighhh… I’m genuinely happy… Really, truly happy!”

Incomprehensible words spilled from my mouth. More accurately, I was thrilled to have a genuine ‘like’ for Yoda, and even though I’m extremely happy just being with him, it’s so agonizing to have times when we can’t be together.

“Haa… I like him so much it hurts…”

With that thought in mind, I set the picture of Yoda sleeping that I had taken this morning as my phone’s lock screen.

When I saw his face filling up the screen, I tightly hugged my phone to my chest.

…It might look creepy from an outsider’s perspective, but it’s not like anyone is watching, right? It’s okay to do this much, right?

By making such justifications, I justified my own creepy behavior, and after that… I thought back to what had happened this morning when I couldn’t convey anything to Yoda.

I already love Yoda so much that it’s unbearable, and I’ve reached a point where I can’t stand to stay in the current state of our relationship.

I don’t want to be just friends. I don’t care about being best friends or where friends step up to.

What I really want is to become his girlfriend.

I wanted to be in a relationship where I could touch Yoda anytime I wanted and have him touch me… a relationship where that was allowed.

So, I really should have confessed to him——

『Uh, um, Yoda… Yoda-kun! I, I… I want… want to be… to be——』

I couldn’t tell him this morning. Even though I like him so much…

Well, maybe it’s the other way around. I couldn’t tell him precisely because I liked him so much.

The day I first met him in real life. I was in high spirits and made her this kind of proposition,

『Then, how about dating me?』

Those were the kind of words I desperately wanted to say this morning but couldn’t.

…It might be a bit ironic. Back when I only had a slight interest in Nezumayo-kun, I could easily speak those words.

But as soon as those feelings turned real, I couldn’t say them anymore…

In the end, I think my confession of that day lacked substance.

I don’t consider it bad, and at that time, I said it because I really wanted to go out with him, but now, from my perspective of truly liking him, that confession feels a bit superficial.

Actually, right now, I’m scared…

These feelings, so heavy that I can’t bear them alone – if I were to give them to him and they weren’t accepted—what would happen to my heart? I thought about that.

Because when I confess to him, what I plan to give him – it’s everything I hold in my heart.

The idea of it being so easily discarded terrifies me…if he rejects me, probably nothing would remain inside me.

If it was the old me, just confessing wouldn’t mean handing over my entire heart and feelings.

But now, saying ‘Please date me’ to him has come to mean giving my entire heart… That’s why I cried, unable to confess.

And I haven’t even been rejected yet… I can’t live if I get rejected by Yoda. That’s what I deeply fear——

“Will I be able to give them to him properly someday…?”

A girl who cries thinking about what it would be like if her feelings weren’t accepted, all of her – for someone like him, a stubborn Otaku who still insists ‘I can’t become friends with a girl.’…

I can’t bring myself to think anymore that maybe I don’t need to give them to him.

Someday, I want him to know. That I love him very much

And I want him to respond. With feelings just as strong as the ones I’ve given.

Maybe this is just a pipe dream… Maybe it’s just a convenient delusion to think that such a happy ending awaits me…

But I… I only like novels that have happy endings.

So, surely, even with the one I love so much, we can be together.

Without any basis, I held onto such a positive, gal-like mindset… and let my thoughts race toward the future with him.

“Someday, when I say ‘I love you,’ will you say ‘I love you’ too?”

This new feeling, serving as our prologue, marked the beginning of our new relationship.

Of course, my romantic involvement with Yoda isn’t everything, and he probably won’t fall for a girl who gets so obsessed with it.

However, what if my life were a light novel?

My story with a happy ending will surely begin here.

***

TL: Hiraeth