Saint's Prison - Chapter 54

Do you believe in God?

“Idiot. There’s no way that could be true.”

I was disgusted with the words I muttered out of desperation. Even so, I didn’t stop looking up at the sky. No, I couldn’t stop.

It was a daydream. The feeling of being eroded by something.

Dissolving… It’s strange to say that. Lately, the boundary between reality and dreams has been becoming blurry.

“You are…”

Before she could finish her sentence, Johanna choked on her words.

“Johanna?”

“…I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Eh?”

That was an indescribable tone of voice. Regret. Sorrow. Anger. It was a word spat out into the darkness, as if it carried all sorts of negative emotions.

“Hey, what does that mean…”

“…Excuse me.”

Before I could ask again, Johanna stood up.

After looking at my face once, she silently made the sign of the cross. It looked like a gesture of slitting her throat. Then, she turned on her heel and quickly walked away.

“What the hell…”

While watching Johanna’s retreating figure, a vague sense of unease swelled in my chest. What did Johanna perceive in me? And what am I dissolving into?

Every time I try to investigate the monastery’s secret, my thoughts blur as if to obstruct it. The intervals between my daydreams are getting shorter and shorter.

I sighed heavily at the terrifying uncertainty that was as vague and contourless as something soluble in water.

***

Walking down the hallway.

Damp wind strokes my cheek, passing through.

The dimness, combined with the eerie atmosphere.

As I listen to the sound of my own footsteps ticking away like a clock, I walk without thinking about where I’m heading.

“―――Kuro-dono.”

Called out, I turn only my head.

A man wearing a scapular over his tunic and a monastic cap stood quietly. With a characteristic hooked nose, he strokes it and smiles.

“…Benedict, the monastic priest.”

“Kuro-dono, how are you feeling?”

“Yeah, I’m doing fine.”

“That’s good to hear.”

Benedict, the Father priest, nods slightly.

With eyes filled with complex emotions, he gazes at me.

“By the way… do you believe in God?”

At the sudden question, my heart leaps.

Because, in the true sense, I don’t believe in God. Feeling as if I’m being judged, I involuntarily swallow my saliva.

After taking a shallow breath, I speak words of affirmation. I utter something I don’t even think.

“…Yes. That’s only natural, isn’t it?”

“Yes, it is. It is indeed. However, Kuro-dono, if you do believe, then never stop praying. That is the only thing we can do. Oh, may God’s grace be with you. Amen.”

“…And also with you, Father priest. Amen.”

I make the sign of the cross.

A few seconds of silent prayer.

Then, Benedict, the monastic priest, looks at my face and nods deeply.

As if to confirm, he strokes his hooked nose and bows with only his eyes.

“…Very well. Now, I have prayers to attend.”

With that said, the Father priest passed me and leaves.

Watching his retreating figure, I ask myself the question he posed to me.

―――Do you believe in God?

“…I do wish there was one.”

For me, God is just that kind of existence.

I don’t believe in him without a sidelong glance. But, I do wish there was one.

At New Year’s, I pray for a year of good health. I visit shrines for Shichi-Go-San. When taking exams, I pray for success.

These are annual events and things to fulfill my own wishes, not faith. That’s how I grew up. The quality of our prayers is different.

“…And still, you tell me to believe?”

Shaking my head, I brush off my own muttering. It’s nonsense. I should believe in what I believe. I chant that over and over again in my heart.

I close my eyes.

In my mind, I envision a thick darkness.

***

I found myself in front of my room’s door before I knew it.

The place where I feel most at ease.

I opened the door with a slow, lazy movement.

“Andy-sama!”

As soon as I stepped into the room, my name was called. Then immediately, I felt a puff against my chest. When I looked down, I saw sparkling silver hair. It was Amal.

“Hey, Amal. If you suddenly hug me like that, you’ll surprise me.”

“Hehe, I’m sorry.”

Amal said that and laughed like a child who had successfully played a prank. She didn’t look sorry at all.

She’s cute. My girlfriend is the cutest in the world. My face naturally softened.

Ignoring me, Amal took my hand and sniffed it, then frowned.

Then, she immediately kissed the back of my hand. She repeated this several times, then decisively put my finger in her mouth. Her tongue stroked my finger. The sound of saliva echoed. Each and every one of my fingers was licked carefully by her tongue. Then she licked my palm as well.

A 28-year-old man getting his hand licked by a 14-year-old, no, maybe she’s 15 by now… What kind of shame play is this?

“Hey, what are you doing, Amal?”

“Mmm, disinfecting…”

“Disinfecting…?”

“Mm, I smelled Johanna Scotus…”

Ah, I see. It’s marking.

If that’s the case, it makes sense… No, wait.

“But you know, my hand is all sticky now…”

“Please bear with it.”

Amal flatly dismissed my words. She didn’t give a glance at what I was saying.

“…This is important. Andy-sama is my lover, so you should only wear my scent. I won’t allow anything else.”

“Well, my hand is all sticky now, you know…”

“Please endure it.”

Amal cut off my words without a second glance.