Even If Your Regret Tries to Hold Me Back - Chapter 37

“You keep preparing for separation on your own, so let me tell you—I have absolutely no intention of parting ways with you anytime soon.”

“For the time being, that’s what it is. I’m just talking about what comes after that. It’s not like you’re going to take responsibility for my entire life either.”

Helena regretted the words as soon as she spoke them. Why did she have to be so stubbornly defiant? What did she want to hear that made her test him like that?

And there wasn’t even a proper response coming back.

“…….”

Ian just stared at Helena like someone caught off guard, not opening his mouth. Helena wanted to glean something from that frowning expression, but it wasn’t easy.

The silence that had always been natural felt grating at this moment alone.

For some reason, her chest stung as if bitten by an insect.

Helena swung the sword as if cutting away that unpleasant sensation, shaking off the dirt clinging to its tip. The blade was so smooth that even small movements made dirt clods fall off.

Moreover, an employee from the trading post happened to interrupt with a new horse. Thanks to that, the strange atmosphere was completely broken, just as she had hoped.

After the employee left, Helena extended the sword to Ian, changing the subject.

“It’s quite a famous blade.”

Ian silently accepted the sword and tucked it at his waist. Then, taking the horse’s reins, he addressed both Helena’s discernment in recognizing the sword and her earlier behavior.

“Have you learned swordsmanship?”

Helena’s shoulders, which had been tense about the returned topic, relaxed. He seemed to have decided to let it pass, fortunately. Even if it was deception, she was grateful for that consideration right now.

Helena began walking alongside him as he led the horse, saying:

“A little. There was someone who just thrust a sword into my hands, saying it would relieve my boredom.”

“Wasn’t it difficult?”

“It was incredibly difficult at first. But it felt like I was cutting through something with my own hands…”

“It was enjoyable.”

Ian, who had been glancing at her face, answered for her.

Helena pondered for a moment whether she could use his answer as her own and still be correct, then finally decided to agree.

“…Yes. Those times were enjoyable.”

It was sincere. She had liked the sword. It felt like things that wouldn’t be cut were being cut away.

It was only a feeling, but even that was a small liberation for her. A tiny breathing space she had barely found in the long regression.

…Though she used that scraped-together breath to breathe life back into Eugene.

As Helena drew in a breath as if swallowing it down, Ian asked with a somewhat reluctant tone:

“By any chance, was the person who taught you the sword… that Eugene person you mentioned before?”

Had he progressed from reading her expressions to now seeing through her thoughts?

Helena flinched at the unexpected mention of Eugene’s name. But even that didn’t catch Ian’s gaze.

Rather, he seemed to be feigning indifference after asking the question. So Helena also acted reluctant.

“Is that important?”

“I’m just curious.”

If he was curious, why was he looking at the grazing cow instead of her?

Since it wasn’t particularly important anyway, Helena decided to keep the secret.

“Then I won’t tell you.”

At that, Ian made a dissatisfied groan and turned his head.

He’s making an expression he doesn’t want me to see, Helena thought quietly as she looked at him. It was a small habit she had learned during their not-so-short time together.

Wanting to change the subject once more, this time she asked:

“So where are we going?”

As they approached the village outskirts, there were fewer and fewer people. By sunset, they would reach a crossroads where they’d have to decide which region to head toward.

Ian looked at Helena with slightly widened eyes as if he had never looked away. Facing him, Helena felt a bit deflated.

“Even if I’m not interested in my surroundings, I didn’t think you’d believe my intuition was completely nonexistent.”

“…….”

It was a transparent silence of affirmation that revealed his true intentions. Helena frowned slightly.

“I saw you buy a map of other regions yesterday. I won’t interrogate you about it, so just tell me where we’re going.”

At that, Ian’s previously widened eyes gradually narrowed.

He calmly countered:

“Is that important?”

“I’m just curious…”

Ah.

Helena let out a small exclamation mid-sentence. Without realizing it, she had fallen into the same trap she had set.

She had experienced many feelings through him, but she never expected to experience the heart of a fish being caught.

Ian didn’t even try to hide the mischievous look that crossed his face as he teased her.

“You’re not telling me either, so I don’t think I’m obligated to tell you.”

“…I didn’t know you were someone who held grudges.”

“It’s fortunate you know now.”

He, who had been walking slowly for the past few minutes, stopped walking altogether.

Then he grabbed Helena and lifted her onto the saddle. When she let out a brief exclamation of surprise, he laughed lightly.

Helena looked displeased but soon swung her right leg over to the other side. The horse stayed still while she settled into a stable position.

This was thanks to him stroking the horse’s head with the reins wrapped around one hand so she could move comfortably. He seemed to have a talent for skillfully handling everything – objects, animals, and people alike.

…How annoyingly so.

Ian, who had finished his brief communion with the horse, looked up at Helena.

“Still, I don’t want you to be anxious, so I’ll tell you. Aren’t I quite kind?”

“Indeed. You’ll definitely go to heaven later.”

Despite her sarcastic tone, Ian climbed onto the back seat with a relaxed smile. He brazenly rolled up his sleeves and wrapped his arms around her waist.

A strange sense of security tickled Helena’s stomach. Somehow, when she was with him, it felt like she’d be fine even if she fell off the horse – an absolute sense of security.

Then Ian leaned forward. And as if whispering some secret, he spoke close to her ear.

“Actually, I haven’t decided yet. Where to go.”

It wasn’t that close a distance, but it was enough to feel his breath.

Helena leaned forward slightly to distance herself from him. When she turned her head at an angle, she could see him at the edge of her vision.

“I thought you were a very methodical person.”

“It’s fortunate you realize it now.”

Those playful light purple eyes were irritating. Helena newly realized what it meant for a person to be irritating.

The horse began to move slowly. Ian pulled Helena closer more firmly and asked cheerfully:

“Do you happen to have somewhere you’d like to go?”

“If I tell you, will you listen?”

“It’s not impossible.”

Helena touched the thornberry brooch Ian had fastened to her robe that morning.

As her fingertips touched the red berry-shaped gem, words tumbled out of her mouth without her realizing:

“…The forest?”

****

The room where night had fallen was dark, and a man even darker sat in the center.

Eugene tilted a decanter filled with purple liquid, filling two glasses. There was one other person in the room besides him.

“Sit.”

“I’m fine standing.”

Despite Eugene’s invitation, Walter insisted on standing.

“If that’s what you prefer.”

Eugene didn’t mind and brought his glass to his lips. Just before drinking, he added:

“I specially prepared good liquor thinking of you, but it’s a shame.”

A light mockery disguised as jest fell, but Walter maintained his unwavering upright posture.

Even though the other knights who had finished reporting today’s search results had all withdrawn, he remained at Eugene’s command.

Though feigning tranquility, the sharp atmosphere pierced his skin.

Eugene brought up the main topic without suppressing his honed momentum.

“Did you know Helena could handle a sword?”

“…….”

At the lengthening silence, Eugene let out a sneer.

“How foolish of me to ask such a question. Of course you knew. Even though you stepped down from the captain position, everyone still regards you as their spiritual leader.”

“…I apologize.”

Walter bowed his head. Eugene raised the corner of his mouth crookedly and chided in a light tone:

“I’m not trying to reproach you. Don’t bow your head already.”

A dry breath passed for a moment. Eugene kept his yellow pupils fixed on Walter while tilting his glass to take another sip of wine.

“It’s not too late to do so after answering the questions I’m about to ask.”

The atmosphere grew even more constricted.

Even the sound of setting down the glass was sharp.

The now-empty glass had only a thin layer of liquid remaining at the bottom, sparkling as it caught the light reflected in the glass. Eugene’s interest turned elsewhere.

“Baron Deluchi here is quite the smoking enthusiast. Thanks to that, as you can see, I received quite a few recommendations.”

Eugene reached across the table. Various cedar humidors and cigar cabinets were scattered messily about. He opened whichever one his hand reached and pulled out a strongly scented cigarette.

“Would you like to smoke one too?”

“Thank you, but I’ll decline.”

“How old-fashioned. Then do you have a light? I was sure I had one, but I must have dropped it at the beach.”

“…I’m sorry.”

“Yes, live long.”

Speaking with the cigarette in his mouth, Eugene laughed between words. It definitely didn’t look like laughter from being in a good mood.

“However, Sir.”

Eugene, who had rummaged through the table to find a lighter, lit it. He drew in a deep puff of smoke and continued:

“No matter how much I think about it, you’re the only one who would dare to act as Helena’s teacher in swordsmanship. That fragile woman couldn’t have picked up a sword first.”

“…….”

“This is when you should bow your head, Sir.”

“I am ashamed.”

Walter bowed deeper than before.

Eugene tapped his cigarette with his finger, shaking ash into the empty glass. An ember resembling Helena’s hair sank into the dark liquid.

“Never again give that woman any opportunity to leave Evergale.”

“…I will keep that in mind.”

Walter straightened from his bow. Eugene nodded toward the door as if telling him to leave now.

Walter didn’t voice the words that instinctively rose up and turned around.

He wanted to say that while he was indeed the first to recommend the sword, she had been as skilled as someone who had wielded swords since long ago.

So there had always been opportunities to escape, and she had simply chosen now.

The initiative in the relationship hadn’t belonged only to His Grace from the beginning.

Walter Agyle, who closed the door soundlessly and turned away, prayed just as quietly:

‘Madam. I… I truly hope you never return.’